Seeking some Objectivity
Seeking some Objectivity
My Alcoholic mate lives 2-1/2 hours away in my hometown. We have been separated 8 months. He has all of our animals.
I am contemplating transferring back there again, not to live with him, but to be closer to my animals, family, friends and church home. The recovery community there is also quite large, with at least one AlAnon meeting per day available.
So many of you post about trying to get away from your alky mates. I am just wondering what you all think about this possible plan. I clearly see now why it is recommended not to make any major changes (moves,etc.) for at least a year after we start recovery. I am feeling very lonely and stressed right now.
Many thanks!
I am contemplating transferring back there again, not to live with him, but to be closer to my animals, family, friends and church home. The recovery community there is also quite large, with at least one AlAnon meeting per day available.
So many of you post about trying to get away from your alky mates. I am just wondering what you all think about this possible plan. I clearly see now why it is recommended not to make any major changes (moves,etc.) for at least a year after we start recovery. I am feeling very lonely and stressed right now.
Many thanks!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
I would think about it and try to figure out what your number one motivation for moving is.
If it's the animals, maybe you can foster a pet where you currently are? Maybe you can request one or two of them back from your alcoholic mate?
If you want to move back for other reasons you've listed then I think I would want to settle in for some kind of set period of time before I start thinking about communicating about arrangements or visitation (???) of your pets.
In your mind, what is the best case scenario of you moving back? What is the worst case scenario?
If it's the animals, maybe you can foster a pet where you currently are? Maybe you can request one or two of them back from your alcoholic mate?
If you want to move back for other reasons you've listed then I think I would want to settle in for some kind of set period of time before I start thinking about communicating about arrangements or visitation (???) of your pets.
In your mind, what is the best case scenario of you moving back? What is the worst case scenario?
I would think about it and try to figure out what your number one motivation for moving is.
Your family, friends and church is there right? Would you have trouble transferring back with your employer?
I'm still not quite sure what you meant about your animals being there?
Who has them?
I'm still not quite sure what you meant about your animals being there?
Who has them?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: uk.
Posts: 106
My Alcoholic mate lives 2-1/2 hours away in my hometown. We have been separated 8 months. He has all of our animals.
I am contemplating transferring back there again, not to live with him, but to be closer to my animals, family, friends and church home. The recovery community there is also quite large, with at least one AlAnon meeting per day available.
So many of you post about trying to get away from your alky mates. I am just wondering what you all think about this possible plan. I clearly see now why it is recommended not to make any major changes (moves,etc.) for at least a year after we start recovery. I am feeling very lonely and stressed right now.
Many thanks!
I am contemplating transferring back there again, not to live with him, but to be closer to my animals, family, friends and church home. The recovery community there is also quite large, with at least one AlAnon meeting per day available.
So many of you post about trying to get away from your alky mates. I am just wondering what you all think about this possible plan. I clearly see now why it is recommended not to make any major changes (moves,etc.) for at least a year after we start recovery. I am feeling very lonely and stressed right now.
Many thanks!
Thanks everybody!!!
Part of the issue here, is that I am away from everybody, family and otherwise. People are great up here where I live, but I don't have a place of my own (renting a room- very tenuous situation). The landlord married a woman a year ago with BPD, who regularly brings strange people home to stay with them. He is also hooked on RX'd psychotrophic drugs.
I worry about my animals, who are all with my separated mate. To be honest, I also worry about my mate crashing and burning and I am 2-1/2 hours away. We own property together.
I wonder if my stress level would be less not being so far away. This doesn't mean I have to have much contact with him.
Thanks again, everyone!
Part of the issue here, is that I am away from everybody, family and otherwise. People are great up here where I live, but I don't have a place of my own (renting a room- very tenuous situation). The landlord married a woman a year ago with BPD, who regularly brings strange people home to stay with them. He is also hooked on RX'd psychotrophic drugs.
I worry about my animals, who are all with my separated mate. To be honest, I also worry about my mate crashing and burning and I am 2-1/2 hours away. We own property together.
I wonder if my stress level would be less not being so far away. This doesn't mean I have to have much contact with him.
Thanks again, everyone!
Guest
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Hamilton
Posts: 3
It sounds to me like your stress level would be less if you moved from where you are, but remained in the same location.
your house is your castle, a place of rest and regeneration, where you can work out the daily ins and outs in the best way for you.
by the sounds of it, moving back is not the ideal situation, you have moved away for a reason. but the space you're in isn't the right space. is there someone else you can stay with, that has a much more stable and balanced way of life, and some peace for you to reflect in?
your house is your castle, a place of rest and regeneration, where you can work out the daily ins and outs in the best way for you.
by the sounds of it, moving back is not the ideal situation, you have moved away for a reason. but the space you're in isn't the right space. is there someone else you can stay with, that has a much more stable and balanced way of life, and some peace for you to reflect in?
Is there any way to move to a place where you could also have a couple of your pets and rotate the visitation with your Alkie? How many pets and of what type are they? (My two dogs mean the WORLD to me, so I feel for you :-(
Thanks everybody!!!
Part of the issue here, is that I am away from everybody, family and otherwise. People are great up here where I live, but I don't have a place of my own (renting a room- very tenuous situation). The landlord married a woman a year ago with BPD, who regularly brings strange people home to stay with them. He is also hooked on RX'd psychotrophic drugs.
I worry about my animals, who are all with my separated mate. To be honest, I also worry about my mate crashing and burning and I am 2-1/2 hours away. We own property together.
I wonder if my stress level would be less not being so far away. This doesn't mean I have to have much contact with him.
Thanks again, everyone!
Part of the issue here, is that I am away from everybody, family and otherwise. People are great up here where I live, but I don't have a place of my own (renting a room- very tenuous situation). The landlord married a woman a year ago with BPD, who regularly brings strange people home to stay with them. He is also hooked on RX'd psychotrophic drugs.
I worry about my animals, who are all with my separated mate. To be honest, I also worry about my mate crashing and burning and I am 2-1/2 hours away. We own property together.
I wonder if my stress level would be less not being so far away. This doesn't mean I have to have much contact with him.
Thanks again, everyone!
^^ Just things to think about - not answer here in the thread
All you guys have made points that are well taken.
My company might have an opening down there in March, and I am already stressing about whether or not to pursue it.
I freely admit that I feel like a real mess right now. Not sure what to plan. Very hard to go just one day at a time.....
My hometown has a lot of mixed memories for me. Also made the top ten list of the most drunken cities in the US in Forbes magazine.
Before my mate and I separated and I was still drinking, I used to fantasize about loading up the car and moving to another state.
Thanks again for all your support. I felt pretty good for most of these 8 months of sobriety. You are right that if I can get a different place to live here, it would afford me some objectivity about the whole thing....
My company might have an opening down there in March, and I am already stressing about whether or not to pursue it.
I freely admit that I feel like a real mess right now. Not sure what to plan. Very hard to go just one day at a time.....
My hometown has a lot of mixed memories for me. Also made the top ten list of the most drunken cities in the US in Forbes magazine.
Before my mate and I separated and I was still drinking, I used to fantasize about loading up the car and moving to another state.
Thanks again for all your support. I felt pretty good for most of these 8 months of sobriety. You are right that if I can get a different place to live here, it would afford me some objectivity about the whole thing....
Thanks everybody!!!
Part of the issue here, is that I am away from everybody, family and otherwise. People are great up here where I live, but I don't have a place of my own (renting a room- very tenuous situation). The landlord married a woman a year ago with BPD, who regularly brings strange people home to stay with them. He is also hooked on RX'd psychotrophic drugs.
I worry about my animals, who are all with my separated mate. To be honest, I also worry about my mate crashing and burning and I am 2-1/2 hours away. We own property together.
I wonder if my stress level would be less not being so far away. This doesn't mean I have to have much contact with him.
Thanks again, everyone!
Part of the issue here, is that I am away from everybody, family and otherwise. People are great up here where I live, but I don't have a place of my own (renting a room- very tenuous situation). The landlord married a woman a year ago with BPD, who regularly brings strange people home to stay with them. He is also hooked on RX'd psychotrophic drugs.
I worry about my animals, who are all with my separated mate. To be honest, I also worry about my mate crashing and burning and I am 2-1/2 hours away. We own property together.
I wonder if my stress level would be less not being so far away. This doesn't mean I have to have much contact with him.
Thanks again, everyone!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Hollywood, FL
Posts: 86
This is a difficult time for you. Your current living condition does need to change. Why did you move 2 1/2 hours away in the first place?
It may be too soon to go back to the hometown.
Volunteer at an animal shelter.
It may be too soon to go back to the hometown.
Volunteer at an animal shelter.
Last edited by FeliciaM; 11-12-2014 at 08:20 AM. Reason: speel
I moved up here to take a job. It was originally meant to be a temporary arrangement, with me eventually transferring back where I came from. To be honest, I have some severe misgivings about going back there. Just not sure what to do....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
I moved up here to take a job. It was originally meant to be a temporary arrangement, with me eventually transferring back where I came from. To be honest, I have some severe misgivings about going back there. Just not sure what to do….
I'm personally more of a pros and cons list and take a poll of informed people kind of a gal.
I do agree that your living arrangements don't sound very peaceful. Maybe a move to a different home in your current town would help you feel a little more grounded in your current area.
Regarding the worry about the animals…I think my sponsor would tell me that it's a let go and let God kind of a thing. There isn't much impact you can have with your pets whether your 20 minutes away or 2.5 hours away since you're not living with them. Do you own a home together and he's living in it without you?
Sending hugs.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 765
There is still a lot of information I would need to give my opinion but so far from what I've read I've come up with this: Your own words said: "I clearly see now why it is recommended not to make any major changes (moves,etc.) for at least a year after we start recovery. I am feeling very lonely and stressed right now."
I find that usually at either the beginning or end of a persons share, a lot is revealed.
I find that usually at either the beginning or end of a persons share, a lot is revealed.
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