Am I wrong?
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Macon, GA
Posts: 7
Am I wrong?
For the past two years of our relationship me and my fiancé have experienced many ups and downs when it comes to his alcohol problem. At the beginning everything was wonderful, but when I became pregnant and could no longer drink he started upsetting me. He received a DUI and now has spent way to much time and money on this. He has also spent time in jail after failing urine tests for alcohol. Since our daughter has been born he has been in jail twice and in detox twice, he is now in a six week rehab and after he gets out of there he wants to move back in with his mom to get better. We are living with my father and grandmother until we are able to get a place of our own, but now that he has lost his job we do not have the money to get our own place. Am I wrong for not wanting him to move back in with his mom? I believe that he should stay here with me and OUR daughter while he recovers.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Not knowing anything about the dynamics of your relationship, it's hard to say. You alluded to your own drinking before you were pregnant. Were the two of you drinking buddies before that? Do you drink now?
Sometimes alcoholics in early recovery do better where they are in an environment that will provide maximum support for recovery while they concentrate on that. It could be that he feels that living with you and the baby at your dad's house would be an uncomfortable situation. I also don't know how old he is and how old you are.
Are you getting any support for yourself at this time? I would suggest that you find an Al-Anon group, especially now while you have your family to help care for the baby. Whether or not he stays sober, Al-Anon can help you make good choices for yourself and your child.
Sometimes alcoholics in early recovery do better where they are in an environment that will provide maximum support for recovery while they concentrate on that. It could be that he feels that living with you and the baby at your dad's house would be an uncomfortable situation. I also don't know how old he is and how old you are.
Are you getting any support for yourself at this time? I would suggest that you find an Al-Anon group, especially now while you have your family to help care for the baby. Whether or not he stays sober, Al-Anon can help you make good choices for yourself and your child.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Macon, GA
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We were drinking buddies, then after I got pregnant I quit all together and have not touched a drop since. I was never addicted to alcohol the way that he is. I am 20 and he is 23. I have found that his mother coddles him and babies him when he slips up and starts back drinking. With us living with my dad I can see how it would bother him, especially since my dad drinks as well. But my dad hides his drinking around us, he leaves whenever he wants to drink. My fiancé would go and get his beer and drink before he got home because he knew how it made me feel. I just do not understand why on earth he'd see that the best for him is to leave me and our daughter behind to get better and leave us out of his journey to recovery. Plus, I cannot stand his mom, she acts like I am the reason for his drinking. She blames me for all of the stress that he goes through. He has NEVER had to take responsibility for his actions. She has paid for his DUI and everything. Now that we have a daughter together, he feels overwhelmed with responsibility and he has lost a lot of attention. He is use to being the main focus of attention. I want to support him as much as I can, but it is so hard to do so when he doesn't want to be around for us.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
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So sorry you're dealing with this. If I knew what I knew now I would have left my ex when I was pregnant with my youngest son. Your bf is an alcoholic. Rehab isn't a magic bullet. He might just want to leave because he knows his mom will support and enable him no matter what.
Let him go for now. If he gets sober and decides to be responsible for his family, you guys can always move in together, get married, etc.
I had to start over as a single mother. I moved back in with my mom and started over from scratch. It wasn't easy, but it was better than waiting for an alcoholic to clean up his act so that I could have the life my kids and I deserved.
Let him go for now. If he gets sober and decides to be responsible for his family, you guys can always move in together, get married, etc.
I had to start over as a single mother. I moved back in with my mom and started over from scratch. It wasn't easy, but it was better than waiting for an alcoholic to clean up his act so that I could have the life my kids and I deserved.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Well, it may very well be that he wants his "mommy" to take care of him, which doesn't bode well for his being ready to assume responsibility for a child.
Rather than getting too worked up over this choice of his, if I were you I think I would work on getting myself situated financially and emotionally to be a single mom. It could be that he will recover and step up, but you can't count on that. Becoming stronger and more independent will be to your advantage regardless of whether he stays sober or becomes responsible.
Rather than getting too worked up over this choice of his, if I were you I think I would work on getting myself situated financially and emotionally to be a single mom. It could be that he will recover and step up, but you can't count on that. Becoming stronger and more independent will be to your advantage regardless of whether he stays sober or becomes responsible.
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It's just so consuming, it is all I think about! I cannot help but hold onto the fact that he may come back. I think I am living on that. I'm not ready to just give up that easy. It feels like a feud between me and his mother. She is always going behind my back to baby him! She also seems a bit obsessed with him and I know that she is not helping him at all. He knows he can always fall back on her when times get hard. I do want to make this work between me and him because of how much I love him. Even though a big part of me says he is going to slip again, the smaller part is LOUD and yells that he will come back completely changed. How do I tell him it's time for him to make a decision? How do I say that I no longer want to deal with him coming and going. At my house for a while then back to mommies when it gets hard. After his first detox he stayed with her then a week later he was right back with me and our child. It's breaking my heart
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Hollywood, FL
Posts: 86
As heartbreaking as this might be. You can not tell him what to do or how to do it. His recovery is his business and his alone.
It is time for YOU to make a decision. I was in your shoes 26 yrs ago.
I hung on and hoped for him to change, it never happened. We were engaged for three years, I just couldn't take it anymore. I was taking on ALL the responsibility of raising our daughter. We tried everything, even counseling. We were on again off again, I loved him but it wasn't enough. I was a single mom even when we lived together. When our daughter was 7 we finally split. He moved on quickly, dated a single woman with six kids, then six months later met and married a woman with two kids. I was devastated and stayed single while being a single mom.
During those 7 years I was getting my ducks in a row. I worked part time, got my college degree, section 8, food stamps and medical assistance for my daughter. Eventually I landed a good job, additional education and raised my DD with help from a few relatives and good moral support from a few friends.
You can NOT afford to wait around for someone else to take care of you and your DD. Save yourself years of agony. Do it on your own with help from family if they can help. Go to Al-anon to learn to take care of your self and your daughter. They will keep you focused on what you can do to help yourself.
Alcoholics make a lot of promises. Let him focus on his recovery and you on your recovery and your future.
It is time for YOU to make a decision. I was in your shoes 26 yrs ago.
I hung on and hoped for him to change, it never happened. We were engaged for three years, I just couldn't take it anymore. I was taking on ALL the responsibility of raising our daughter. We tried everything, even counseling. We were on again off again, I loved him but it wasn't enough. I was a single mom even when we lived together. When our daughter was 7 we finally split. He moved on quickly, dated a single woman with six kids, then six months later met and married a woman with two kids. I was devastated and stayed single while being a single mom.
During those 7 years I was getting my ducks in a row. I worked part time, got my college degree, section 8, food stamps and medical assistance for my daughter. Eventually I landed a good job, additional education and raised my DD with help from a few relatives and good moral support from a few friends.
You can NOT afford to wait around for someone else to take care of you and your DD. Save yourself years of agony. Do it on your own with help from family if they can help. Go to Al-anon to learn to take care of your self and your daughter. They will keep you focused on what you can do to help yourself.
Alcoholics make a lot of promises. Let him focus on his recovery and you on your recovery and your future.
Last edited by FeliciaM; 11-09-2014 at 09:12 PM. Reason: spell
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
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Sorry to hear what you are going through. It is very clear in your post that you love this man and want him living with you and his daughter, but that you believe his mother is getting in the way.
This was the opposite of my situation. My mother in law would not let her son have a place to stay when he was acting out and going crazy because she had already gone through it earlier in her life and was fed up. But, similar to you, my husband wanted out of my parent's house because he no longer liked living with in-laws, which is pretty normal.
But he did never leave me and continued to live with my parents and me. He began to pressure me to find an apartment, which we now have. He is nice 80% of the time but can be angry and irritable the other 20%, especially if he has too much to drink.
If my husband had decided he wanted to stay at his mother's house and leave me for awhile, this would have been a dealbreaker for me (even though other people on these boards may disagree). That would just bother me too much that I probably would just have let him go and ended it. I did not have to do this, however, as he wanted to be with me.
This was the opposite of my situation. My mother in law would not let her son have a place to stay when he was acting out and going crazy because she had already gone through it earlier in her life and was fed up. But, similar to you, my husband wanted out of my parent's house because he no longer liked living with in-laws, which is pretty normal.
But he did never leave me and continued to live with my parents and me. He began to pressure me to find an apartment, which we now have. He is nice 80% of the time but can be angry and irritable the other 20%, especially if he has too much to drink.
If my husband had decided he wanted to stay at his mother's house and leave me for awhile, this would have been a dealbreaker for me (even though other people on these boards may disagree). That would just bother me too much that I probably would just have let him go and ended it. I did not have to do this, however, as he wanted to be with me.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Originally Posted by imisspunkin 
Why didn't you leave?
None of that happened. He is still drinking. When my ex husband passed away in 2013 my oldest son came back to live with us and he got drunk (after he was supposed to be sobering up during a temporary six week separation) as soon as he got paid and started verbally abusing and threatening my son.
I called my mom. That was where I had stayed during the summer while we were separated. I told her what was going on and we left the next weekend. He was on a bender and didn't even notice us packing until the day before we left when he ran out of money and sobered up a little.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Macon, GA
Posts: 7
I understand that it is time to focus on me, that is the hardest part to do. He has constantly had this spell over me and has always gotten his way with me and ran me over. I'd let him get away with calling me bad names and i'd just chalk it up to him being drunk, because in the mornings he was always so "sorry" and now, he seems like he's on the right path and I don't know how to get on through the days caring for our daughter without him and wondering why on earth he does not want to be here?
I will NOT drink to that!
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Baltimore MD USA
Posts: 634
Originally Posted by FeliciaM
You can NOT afford to wait around for someone else to take care of you and your DD. Save yourself years of agony. Do it on your own with help from family if they can help. Go to Al-anon to learn to take care of your self and your daughter. They will keep you focused on what you can do to help yourself.
Alcoholics make a lot of promises. Let him focus on his recovery and you on your recovery and your future.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 256
Sorry for what you are going through. Being a single parent of little ones is hard and I often thought that having my AH back here after his 2 detox and 2 rehab stays would make things easier for us to work on both our recoveries while caring for the kids. It hasn't been that way and the 3 months AH has not been living here has been hard for me (b/c I don't have the help at home) but also peaceful (b/c I am not stressing about whether he is on the verge of a relapse or already drinking.)
If you AH feels he needs to stay elsewhere, then let him. He has to decide what is best for his recovery. Maybe his mom does coddle him (hard for mom's not to even when kids gets older) but for him that may be a better choice than living with your dad (who still drinks.) All you can do is focus on you and your child.
In hindsight, I wish my AH had taken the suggestion of his counselors this summer to move out after his 1st rehab stay and work on himself before jumping back in to the family lifestyle. I was supportive of it and told him to do what ever he felt was right for him. He came back here instead. If he had done that then maybe it would have saved us alot of heartache.
If you AH feels he needs to stay elsewhere, then let him. He has to decide what is best for his recovery. Maybe his mom does coddle him (hard for mom's not to even when kids gets older) but for him that may be a better choice than living with your dad (who still drinks.) All you can do is focus on you and your child.
In hindsight, I wish my AH had taken the suggestion of his counselors this summer to move out after his 1st rehab stay and work on himself before jumping back in to the family lifestyle. I was supportive of it and told him to do what ever he felt was right for him. He came back here instead. If he had done that then maybe it would have saved us alot of heartache.
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