lighteningbug

I don't even know what to say in my story. I want to get to know you and I want you to know me. And I want to be honest. I dread your judgement, but I have to put it out there if I want to utilize this board effectively. The most important fact about me is that I am an dual-diagnose addict. I acknowledge that and accept that. And I am ready to address my demons. My addiction is not simple, though, because I practice the horrors of transference. I find something to abuse and when I let it run it's course, I find something else. I am pretty good at stopping something, but the problem is I am compelled to pick up something to replace it. I don't experience withdrawal. This is progressive and I am scared about the yets.

I am a bulimic bipolar with BPD tendencies. I usually take my meds properly. My husband has them locked up and he doles them out to me. As i said, i usually take them. But a popular habit of a bipolar is to think they are ok and don't need their meds. I fall in this category. However I have been making a great effort to be compliant lately.

My four main addictions right now are alcohol (weekend binge drinking), oxycodone, vyvanse, and sudafed (yes, the locked up stuff behind the counter.) I have a prescription for Oxy because I am in pain management. i have a prescription for vyvanse (an amphetamine) for ADD. I abuse all of it. How do i do that if my husband doles it out? I am deceptive and sneaky and hoard because i engage in binging. I was a binge eating bulimic for ten years. I don't need to drink every day - a pick a day and hit it until i black out. I suffer with my pain in order to build up a stash. I don't even really need the vyvanse that much (just for work) but i binge on that too. i also have a history of xanax, valium, sleeping pills, benedryl, and even tylenol. Why have 1 pill or 1 drink when i can have ten? The more the better. My psychiatrist and pain management doctor are oblivious. No one in my social circle or work know. I cover my tracks. I am full of deceit.

I don't believe in God, but if i did i would be thanking him that i have never done any illegal drugs. All my vices can be legally purchased at Walgreens.

It sounds so dire to me as i re-read what i have written here. But i am grateful for one thing. I am functional. I am a wife and mother who maintains a household and works a fulltime job. I have never been trouble for anything. But I am terrified of that changing. Addiction is progressive. I am also terrified of my behavior killing me.

It has to stop. My first plan of attack is making an appointment with an addictions counselor. I need one on one.

I didn't plan on writing all of this. The words just kept coming. If you made it this far, thank you for reading.

Bug

helpimalive

Welcome again. Sounds like you have a plan and you want to be sober. I have heard those are good things

SmartyPants

welcome lighteningbug! you are not alone with these complex needs/dual diagnosis/poly-substance use. recovery is possible. getting as honest with your husband and professionals as you have been with us might be a good idea. what they don't know about, they cannot help you with. you are thankful not to be using illicit substances? heck, who needs em when you can take that cocktail of over-the-counter stuff! legal/illicit ... no difference. i think honesty is key here. honesty with others and yourself. whichever meds you do actually need, they usually start working better when we stop mis-using substances. stability sounds like it might be a good starting point for you. get all the help you can - have you considered going to Narcotics Anonymous ... you would most certainly be welcome in the NA groups i attend. the word god crops up here and there but believing in god is not a requirement for membership - many members don't believe, although some often end up finding something or other they can believe in. best wishes and thanks for the post!
Pants

Erratic

Welcome. I suffer from EDNOS and BPD and all that comes with it. So ur not alone xx. Good to see u here.

lighteningbug

I feel so much better putting all of this out in writing. I think i am just going to let my husband read my post. It will help us open up a dialogue.

As for my using, i am not drinking (last time was Fri) and i do not have any Oxy or Vyvanse. I refuse to buy any more Sudafed. I feel pretty good - no withdrawal.

I feel hopeful. I am watching my 5 and 6 year olds playing right now and all i can think is that they deserve better. They need a clean Mama.

Bug

lighteningbug

Oh, I am thinking of going back to NA. I spent time in those rooms during my Xanax phase. I know where there is a meeting. I just have to go.

Bug

Wastinglife

Hi Lightening Bug. I have ADD and am prescribed Vyvanse. I was diagnosed while in rehab for alcoholism age 34. I knew I had ADD since my mid-20's but never got an official diagnosis due to procrastination, not having a referral, and being drunk every night.

I pick up only a week supply of Vyvanse at a time because I found myself double dosing sometimes for the buzz. I got used to it so no longer get the 'rush' I was chasing the first few months but for an alcoholic/addict, it is very tempting.

lighteningbug

The more Vyvanse I take the more I get done. Housework, work, projects. It is speed afterall. I want to take it properly. Damn AV demands otherwise.

Bug

Jwalker

Welcome and thank you for your honesty!

Jwalker

SmartyPants

you might get more done, but at what cost? - in the long term?
getting stability and working on yourself should allow you to find a way to function like any other productive human being without the need for substance mis-use to achieve this. it took me a bit of time, but since becoming abstinent i can achieve more things than i dared dream possible before - whether i had been using or not! recovery rocks

lighteningbug

That is what I want Smarty. In fact, I don't want to take any meds at all. But then i question myself - who am I for real? What kind of person will I be unmedicated? I don't even know. But I can't go off my psych meds. I become one moody bug.

Bug

lighteningbug

In any case, my first step is to stop drinking. As for cravings, I did well yesterday and today far. My husband and i usually drink fri, sat, and sun nights. I stopped Friday. And i have noticed a decrease in his drinking too! He is just a few beers kind of drinker. Not an alcoholic. He is being considerate about drinking in front of me. It will be nice to go to work tomorrow with no hangover.

Bug

least

Welcome to the family, LightningBug. It's good to have you with us.

lighteningbug

Thank you for the warm welcome!

versa1977

Glad that you are being honest with yourself, now it's time to be fully honest with your therapist and with your husband. Both are with you to help you, but by not being fully honest with them you are depriving them of fully giving you the help you deserve and need. I too decided to take a look in the mirror - for myself and especially for my daughter. I was a social drinker - typical at parties, when I went out (2x a week maybe), but this past six months it changed. I was stopping at the store to pick up liquor and would binge drink one day a week..then it was 2-3 days. I drove one day with my child in the car - that nite at 4 am I woke up and decided ENOUGH! I found SR and I won't lie , I have slipped up but I can say I haven't felt how I did 2 months ago.good luck on your journey. I'm in SW Fl--today is a good day for reflection :-) rain is cleansing.

Hevyn

Hi Bug. Writing out my thoughts and fears here really helped me so much. The anxiety I felt when I first joined went away and was replaced by a warm, calm feeling of acceptance and understanding. We're glad you are with us.

Nowsthetime

Hey Bug and welcome. First and foremost, you will never be judged here. You will get brutal honesty and support. For me honesty was the most important part of recovering. It sounds like you are ready for a change and we are here to go with you in your journey. You said it best, nothing like a clean momma!

Hope to see you around posting.

lighteningbug

I feel very welcome here! And I am definitely sticking around.