I must change

Old 11-09-2014, 09:29 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
irisgardens's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
I must change

I must change

Spirit of the Universe, I pray to remember,
No one can make me change.
No one can stop me from changing.
No one really knows how I must change,
Not even I. Not until I start.
Help me remember that it only takes a slight shift
In direction to begin to change my life.

From Hazeldon Daily Message
irisgardens is offline  
Old 11-09-2014, 09:39 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
irisgardens's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
Today I prayed this prayer.

Have been very down and discouraged but I know this is true...although I am new to this layer of recovery...I am not new to recovery...

Although I am overwhelmed by the realization of how deep my need for recovery goes...I am going to work this one small step at a time.

I am going to get up and be today.

I don't know exactly what that means...have a plan in my head...but recently nothing I plan comes to fruition because I feel so bad...so not going to talk about what I am going to do...but just going to get up and be. That will be enough for God to take me to the rest of whatever the day has in store.

I am grateful to be alive and for a husband who, after 7 months away, will be home on 11/20. I will have a bit more support then...although I still need my naranon meetings and to continue these small changes...the slight shifts.

I did it on Thursday--rather than impulsively going to my brother's daughter's wedding because I had just enough for a cheap plane fare...calling ahead to ask if there was any free or cheap place to stay (answer no); telling him I didn't want to go if I wasn't welcome (the family all kept relationship with Mom when she scapegoated me 13 years ago and I LOVE family but they all get uncomfortable when I am around...and there are grudges although to me it has all been silent treatment--there is no silence on their part) and this brother has always been honest with me...so I asked him...he said...when you and Mom are together there is tension...so I know that I am not welcome...I guess I did anyway...I am not allowed to talk at family gathers (& they have gotten fewer and fewer) but I needed to be able to release Mom in love before being able to take this step of calling ahead and discerning what is true...and then just relieving him (& myself) without shaming, blaming or anything else. Also not caretaking him by allowing him to have all the troubles and making them worse than my own--it is finally bad enough that I know it is not worse...and yet I didn't whine or complain...so proud of me...but also thing I was very sad...my naranon group said I was finally feeling...so that is good. It was a quiet sad...but truly sad...

So today it is time to get up and get a cup of coffee and see what goes from there.

My son went to a soccer tournament so more alone than the past 1 1/2 weeks when he came home -- he is 20 and going to school and working and good company when he is here which isn't much--just enough to know I am not as completely alone in the world as I was feeling and in many senses, since the job stopped truthfully experiencing.

OK--today I will get up--praying that God will give me the energy to attend my favorite annual antique show...haven't been in a couple of years...but have to get ready first.

God bless to all here.
irisgardens is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 09:28 AM.