Thanksgiving Plans

Old 11-09-2014, 09:25 AM
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Thanksgiving Plans

Hi,

My AH's mother offered to have Thanksgiving at her house as we seem to be squeezed at our house. This morning, he tells me if Thanksgiving is at his mother's house, he plans to buy a turkey and cook it over there. He plans to spend the whole day there, watch parades and football and be there until the evening. He said he does not spend much time with his 83 year old mother. He said I am welcome to come, and can leave after dinner to go to our cabin.

I told him I felt he did not want to spend Thanksgiving with me. His response was it does not matter what he says, I can spin it around to be negative.

So now he is pissed at me.
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Old 11-09-2014, 09:28 AM
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Just curious, why don't you want to go to his mom's?
Not to guilt trip you or anything but the lady is 83 years old and a lot of elderly people get lonely during the holidays.
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Old 11-09-2014, 10:07 AM
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Hi Joli, maybe I'm misunderstanding but what's your objection to his spending the day at his mom's house? He said you're welcome there too. Do you not want to go? It actually sounds like a nice offer to his mom, especially preparing the turkey!
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Old 11-09-2014, 10:26 AM
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Do you and his mom not get along? I guess I'm also unclear on why you feel he doesn't want to spend TG with you. Many people spend holidays like that with extended family, and he invited you as well. Maybe you are taking this personally where no slight is intended?

OT to Carlotta- LMAO at the new avatar. Good to see you Grumpy Cat.
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Old 11-09-2014, 10:34 AM
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never put yourself in competition with someone's mom. maybe there is more to the story than you shared...but it sounds like he wants to take his mom up on the offer to have T-day at her place and he wants to do the turkey and the whole nine yards over there. and he extended the offer to you to go and stay as long as you wish and leave when you wish.

my daughter and her bf have out of town plans for T-day and we have a dog recovering from reconstructive knee surgery and our house is basically on quarantine. just how it is this year....we don't HAVE to buy into any specific plans or traditions just cuz it's a holiday.
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Old 11-09-2014, 10:37 AM
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If his family remains in denial and blames you for his behavior, I'd plan a nice untraditional day alone up at your cabin!
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Old 11-09-2014, 10:50 AM
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Joli,
After reading your previous posts, I get the impression that there has been plenty of discord between you and your MIL. Without considering your AH, would you have a more pleasant day visiting with her, spending the day alone, or with other friends? You do have options. You also don't have to make that decision right now.
Sometimes things become clearer if we give them time (and space).
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Old 11-09-2014, 02:32 PM
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I do not mind being around the MIL. Just had a Mexican lunch with her and AH, her treat for my birthday at the end of Oct. The discord is with his sister, who will be there, and my husband. The sister does not like me and blames me for all my husbands problems.

History:
Last Christmas, I was volunteering doing gift wrapping at a local bookstore for my service organization. I counted the money on the evening of Dec. 22 and told AH I had $247.16. It was in a plastic bag on the end table between us. On Dec. 23, I go to the bank to make deposit. The deposit is only 197.16. Where was 50.00 missing. I text AH about missing $50.00. He tells me he knows I had it in a plastic bag, and I would just have to replace the money out of my own pocket. At home I ask him if he can help me replace half of the missing money. Then he asks me if I think he took the money, I said no. He continues to think I accused him of stealing money. Then he texts his sister and tells her I "basically accused him of taking money from service org. Then he calls his mother and tells her I accused him of stealing money. Meanwhile at home, he is belittling me for my money tracking. Where was my ledger. Was I sure I had that much money. I had an Accounting degree, did I count right. I went to store and on the way MIL calls my cell and asks why I accused him of stealing money. AH was so upset. Unfortunately, I felt the need to defend myself and started telling her things about AH she did not know. How he smokes pot, some of lies he has told me. She said he smoked pot when younger, but does not anymore. He is 55 and has been smoking since 17, plus he drinks lots of beer. I left for my Midwest state on Christmas Day.

In my home northern state, I get text from AH, asking what I told his mother as he got text from sister saying I was on her **** list, and I was so rude to their mother.

When I got back, I saw texts asking when his pain in the side wife got home and she wanted my Christmas gift from her and her husband returned. She also said I was going to have to do some serious talking if I was to attend any future family functions. Later in Jan. This sister told me I had major insecurities and needed professional help!!

In Feb. this sister unfriend me on FB, and still insisted I return my 2 gift cards for $100.00. I finally return them on Feb.21 with a hand-written apology, but she never accepted the apology. She and her husband invite my husband to events as a single and have been doing it for years. Sister does not want he at social events when MIL not there.

I have been to a few family dinners this past summer, but I can tell she does not like me. Earlier this year my AH told me I was not family, I was just his wife. If I was not invited to Thanksgiving or Christmas, he was still going to be with his family who live in our town.

My husband has made a lot of uni-lateral decisions in the past 6 months. This Thanksgiving one felt like another one. So to tell me he plans to spend all day with his mother, just did not sit well with me.

His whole family is in denial about his problems as he hides it well. I think he was out of pot on Dec. 23 and detoxing. He is very irritable when detoxing, which he is doing today. I have to watch what I say when out of pot as the verbal abuse starts if irritated!

I will not be going north for Christmas this year as my Mom died in May. Big change for me.

Thanks for reading. I may escape to cabin as spending all day with his family will be boring as heck!
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Old 11-09-2014, 03:17 PM
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Given the last you have just written, I wouldn't go, or maybe just for the meal, but I personally wouldn't go and subject myself to SIL.

I have similar issues with my SIL. When RAH was in rehab and I was seriously considering divorce (really because of how MIL had my head twisted) she sent me the most hateful text that my RAH had been a happy person when he met me and that I was an unhappy person and never would be happy and she was glad none of them would have to talk to me anymore and pretend to like me. Since then she is not a part of my life. My MIL is not part of my life either. I don't prevent RAH having a relationship either. I just choose not to be around them. It sucks at times because I miss out on my niece and step nieces' lives and I love those girls to pieces. It was my nieces 1 year bday party today and I didn't go just because I cannot be around MIL or SIL anymore. I am considering volunteering to work Thanksgiving and Christmas because my FOO is pretty dysfunctional too.

I would skip it. It sucks to miss out on stuff like that but is being around those people and the grief it will cause worth it?
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Old 11-09-2014, 10:36 PM
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You're husband is a J.E.R.K.

And I'm being generous!
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Old 11-09-2014, 11:21 PM
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Hi Joli,
Sorry you are going through all of this stress. I also do not get along really well with my sister in law or mother in law, as we have had some confrontations in the past (although we all are on cordial terms at the time). The minute my husband starts doing things with them without me would be a dealbreaker for me for the relationship. I believe that if there is a problem between one of us, then this conflict needs to be explored and addressed. The minute people stop communicating and begin not inviting people over to places is unhealthy. If my husband's family cannot be nice to me and think that they can deal with this by hanging out individually with their son, well then this would make it that much easier for me to end the relationship (but this would only happen if my husband permitted them to do this, which so far he has never done. My husband is against doing things without me).
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Old 11-10-2014, 06:50 AM
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OK, so here's I guess what I don't get: Your husband steals money from you, and you're upset with his sister?

I think spending Thanksgiving alone in a cabin sounds like heaven compared to the alternative you have.
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Old 11-10-2014, 07:01 AM
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Sounds like your husband is stirring the drama pot in order to deflect attention from his unacceptable behavior. Look over there, my sister said blah blah about you because you blah blah my mom. Whatever you do, don't look over here and see what I'm doing- lying stealing, drinking, drugging.
Since this tactic has been successful he will keep using it until it no longer works.
What do YOU want to do for TG?
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Old 11-10-2014, 07:12 AM
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Hmmm...sounds like more husband issues than anything else. I am also wondering what he has told the SIL and MIL that you don't know about. I would say #1 that he stole money that you worked hard for. That he ran and talked crap about you to his family. Tells you that you are not family. He drinks and smokes pot.

Maybe your issue needs to be a lot more with your H than his family. Not saying they don't have issues, but am saying he is likely the stem of those issues in a lot of ways.

Good luck no matter what you decide. As it was said, you do have choices.
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Old 11-10-2014, 08:39 AM
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Oh whoa!!
Well, since your MIL will have plenty of people with her and it sounds like it would lead to the making of a Jerry Springer Thanksgiving special I agree that it is wise to spend the day peacefully in your cabin (see my avatar )
Your husband seems like quite the drama king and I have seen it with addicts where they stir the pot and get everyone fighting so the attention is diverted from them.
What is sad is that people fall for it, the bottom line is that you do not make him drink and neither does his family. You guys might hurl accusations of enabling at each others (it is very common for codies to blame others for the alcoholic drink, I have done it myself) but in the end, he is the one who chose to pick up that first drink.

Enjoy your quiet time at the cabin
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Old 11-10-2014, 09:02 AM
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Did you ever find the missing $50.00 that magically jumped out of the plastic bag?

If you and he were in the house, you did not steal the $$, who did?

and you still trust this person? forget the family drama, they will continue to back him up, but why do you stay with him and tolerate such disrespect?
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Old 11-10-2014, 10:29 AM
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[QUOTE][Did you ever find the missing $50.00 that magically jumped out of the plastic bag?/QUOTE]

No, I never found the missing $50.00. I had to let this situation go as it was all my fault it was missing. He was the only other person in the house. No one broke in as the 2 Schnauzers would have raised the alarm.

Why have I put up with disrespect:
I do not have any family in my city. They all live up north. Plus I did not want to lose a lot of my retirement. Some will go to him. I am more educated and have higher income.

However, I am getting to point I do not want to live on egg shells anymore. He said in marriage counseling he feels he is walking on egg shells too!

I am working on my inventory again. My divorce filing is still active. If I start it up again, the 60 days are already past. My sponsor told me to not pass up this bird-in-the-hand.
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