Karrets

Hi everyone
my AH is now in prison which I'm glad about because he is safe. I made the mistake of going to see him. He said unprompted he is doing his time 4 months then wants to go into a 6 month rehab.
I told him I'm glad he is thinking that way but his words mean nothing. So now I feel like I'm waiting for him to get clean. He hasn't written and I wrote to him last week but I refuse to write again till he gives something back.
I'm sick of waiting for this man to get clean. I feel he may be too old he's 36.

zoso77

Then don't wait.

By your own admission a few weeks ago, you said you were tired of being burnt by your AH. So now you're at another fork in the road. You can either stay coupled to him and go through more of the same, or you can put you first and stop the madness.

You have a choice. And it's up to you what that choice is.

Karrets

I think I'll decorate

AnvilheadII

you don't HAVE to wait. considering where he is RIGHT NOW. when people are locked up they often SAY they'll do a LOT Of things when they get out....get straight, clean up, get a job, etc etc. as it is, he's moving backwards....not forwards.

Karrets

Yeah his words mean nothing. He is just planning his next screw up. Cheers I know you guys keep it in perspective

lucky236

What if he never change, can you come to terms with that? Waiting for him to stay clean for how long till the next relapse? You can support him but dont fully trust his words till you see it in action.

Karrets

No I would never go back to living with him as an addict. I can handle one in recovery but my AH had never shown me what that looks like.
How do you support someone that you love and they love you without actually being together. Sounds impossible?

desypete

talking as someone who has come out of prison and turned his life around i have had to deal with all sorts of doubting people who never think it will ever happen
i am just glad some of us do change and that some people never give up on us

but i do understand how frustrating it can be and i would never blame anyone who does give up more so if they keep on doing it over and over again, everyone has a cut off point where enough is enough and there is no shame in that

i wish people would comment on issues like these were they have real experience of it all rather than rushing off with there own heads thinking they know just what that person who is locked up is thinking

i planned on never drinking again ever when i was in prison i certainly hated it being in prison having to watch my back all the time in case of being attacked there are no human rights in a prison like you have outside and if anyone knows anything about anything you have to keep your mouth shut for your own safety

but even with this sort of fear it still didnt get me to stop my drinking and i did end up going back again
i even lost my kids to social workers as i just couldnt get my act together and enough was enough

thankfuly all that sort of bad livng is over 10 years ago now and i have had my kids back for the last 9 years been a single parent and even had to watch my 16 year old son die from stomach cancer and care for him every min of the day through it all

so maybe some of us who end up in prison dont need others to throw away the key on us as some of us really do make it out of the other side

the only people in the world who wanted to know me were the people in aa and without them i certainly would not be here today, i realise its a bit to strong for the arm chair critics but it just happend to be what happens out there in real life

today i try to help others who are down in that low end of the spectrum by doing prison meetings etc
the only reason i do it as i know there is a way out for anyone if they want it, just like aa gave me the way out for me

i would ask the op is her partner doing anything like inside prison meetings for his problem are they being run in his prison ? as many prisons dont have them sadly but the choice is yours on if you wait for him or not i dont even think he himself would blame you if and when he gets honest about it all
good luck to you

Karrets

Thanks desypete. .I think it's wonderful you have recovered and thanks for your openess. I guess unless you have lived and loved an addict/alcoholic you can't understand our side just like we don't know what's going on for our loved ones.
I know prison won't fix him and I think the way we treat addicts in this country is appalling. I guess he needs to be where you were and I pray he is one day

Hope7726

I've read some of your previous posts and it seems like continuing to wait for this man to get his act together is a waste of time. I know you love him and you desperately want to believe he will get clean and your life together will be a happy one (that's what we all want) but how much more are you willing to go through? You probably feel like you've invested so much already and don't want to walk away now. And I'm sure you tell yourself as soon as you walk away it will be just your luck that he magically decides to get clean and then you've given up the opportunity to be with him. I'm no psychic but I can tell you that won't happen.

May I suggest using this time that he is in prison to really work on yourself and boundaries. You know he is in a "safe" place so you don't have to stress about that. I just really don't see your situation getting better, I'm sorry. I hate to see you do this to yourself.

Karrets

Hi hope can I just ask how do you know he won't get clean? This isn't a criticism and I agree with the taking care of myself I I took control of that when I kicked him out and I'm not in touch with him. He's doing his thing and I'm doing mine.
I'm just curious as to why you say he will never get clean? Can you expand perhaps with your experience or knowledge. Cheers

Hope7726

Hi Karrets. Judging by some of your previous posts, it doesn't sound like he really wants to get clean. Like you said a few weeks ago, you kicked him out and you felt he should be begging to come back. But he's not. Using is more important to him than anything else. And if you read the stories here on SR of all of us who have been in a relationship with an addict, you will see that the vast majority of us have been disappointed. We stand by our addict, really hoping and believing he/she will get clean and return to the person we knew before addiction came along. It just doesn't happen. When an addict really wants to get clean, he has to want it more than anything he has ever wanted in his life. He has to be willing to pour his heart and soul into it, because that's how big of a fight it is.

My ex-bf was clean from heroin for more than 8 years. I didn't know him when he used but from what I heard, I couldn't believe he had let his addiction ruin his life like that. Amazingly, he did get clean and he turned his life around. He did become his "old self" again for many years. But he neglected his illness. He didn't treat it everyday. He didn't recognize that this is a disease that requires constant care. He slowly started to unravel and eventually went back to using. I'm not saying it's impossible for someone to get clean and stay clean for the rest of his life, it's just highly unlikely, and I think even most professionals would tell you that.

I can't remember which drug/s your addict uses. If it is heroin, you should read the sticky note labled "6,8,10 times."

zoso77

Karrets,

None of us can say with 100% certainty that he won't. If you want to hang on to that fact, that's your right and your choice.

With that being said, the probability that he will embrace recovery is very low. Is it zero? No. But it's pretty damn close.

If you're determined to see this through to the end, again, that's your right and your choice. But before you make your choice, you can't be in denial about what you're up against.

Good luck.

hopeful4

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

lucky236

My experience with my boyfriend is that the addiction has already created a sub personality in his being. And that no matter how many times he tries to quit his doc, something pulls him back in. Its hard to get rid of this innate entity because it is a part of him now. Staying clean does not mean this sub personality will dissapear so to speak, it waits for the right moment, a moment of weakness before the cycle continues again.

Karrets

Thanks hope I've not read that sticky I will now. Thanks for all your replies as always. Its starting to sound like in recovery I would be just as unimportant. I really appreciate all the responses

Karrets

Zoso I ain't ever going back to that I can put my life on it. I was sick so so sick I don't feel like I'm breaking anymore and getting on with life. I have down days and reach out to you guys to help me not to be ruled by the small piece of my heart.

lucky236

I felt the same with my situation I couldnt go back it felt like he was dragging me along to the pits of hell with him. Im slowly trying to pick up the pieces of my soul that I lost, its been tough to find myself again but Im healing each day.

Karrets

My thoughts are with you lucky. .. keep going forward eh? X X X

Hope7726

I also found the sticky called A Doctor's Advice... to be very insightful.