Just another day
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Virginia
Posts: 175
Just another day
Yesterday was a great day but today is just blah.... I spoke to my husband last night and he got upset with me because I told him that I didn't want to talk to him everyday.
Am I wrong for not wanting to talk to him everyday?
I just feel like everytime we talk he puts pressure on me about getting back together. I don't want that right now and maybe never.
He just doesn't understand and he gets so sad sounding that I start to feel quilty but then I stop and say to myself that he's the one that caused this not me, he did this to himself so, why feel quilty.
He still blames everything on his drinking but I think it's funny because how can he still blame it on drinking when supposedly he's not drinking anymore.
He still shows me absolutely no respect and the only thing he say's about that is " I know I have to work on that" well what in the hell is he waiting for. I didn't cause any of this nor did I ask for any of it to happen like I wanted an alcoholic for a husband but it happened so now I have to work with what life dealt me the best I know how.
The hardest part for me is to stop obsessing and worrying so much about his feelings. What about my feelings? I have always put everyone else's feelings before my own and it's really hard for me to reverse that but I'm getting better. This is a very slow process. I wish there was such a thing as a quick fix.
Why is it so easy for some people to just put their past behide them and move on without even looking back? I wish I could be like that. It's been almost 2 years and still live very much in the past.
Still on that roller coaster up and down up and down but one good thing, the hills don't seem to be quite as high as before.
Am I wrong for not wanting to talk to him everyday?
I just feel like everytime we talk he puts pressure on me about getting back together. I don't want that right now and maybe never.
He just doesn't understand and he gets so sad sounding that I start to feel quilty but then I stop and say to myself that he's the one that caused this not me, he did this to himself so, why feel quilty.
He still blames everything on his drinking but I think it's funny because how can he still blame it on drinking when supposedly he's not drinking anymore.
He still shows me absolutely no respect and the only thing he say's about that is " I know I have to work on that" well what in the hell is he waiting for. I didn't cause any of this nor did I ask for any of it to happen like I wanted an alcoholic for a husband but it happened so now I have to work with what life dealt me the best I know how.
The hardest part for me is to stop obsessing and worrying so much about his feelings. What about my feelings? I have always put everyone else's feelings before my own and it's really hard for me to reverse that but I'm getting better. This is a very slow process. I wish there was such a thing as a quick fix.
Why is it so easy for some people to just put their past behide them and move on without even looking back? I wish I could be like that. It's been almost 2 years and still live very much in the past.
Still on that roller coaster up and down up and down but one good thing, the hills don't seem to be quite as high as before.
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Join Date: Sep 2001
Location: Peoria, IL USA
Posts: 105
There seems to be a little joke HP has in recovery. A's seem to think that everything changes over night just because they don't drink one or two days or weeks or months. Anons on the other hand need years to resolve things in their minds for recovery. Anyone have any answers as to why. Sure would like some insight on that subject myself.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: North America
Posts: 362
I agree with you all....I would love some insight on this too, I will say I have learned from some of the members on the Nar-anon board..
One of the things that has been said to me, that has really stuck was that..We are trying to make DRASTIC changes to our thinking and personalities. That takes lots of time. That really made sense to me. It is almost like we are at war with ourselves.
Ogly can shed some good light on this topic..
Right now, I'm havin a little breakdown at work, so I will get back to that, you all take care.
Love,
bonbon
One of the things that has been said to me, that has really stuck was that..We are trying to make DRASTIC changes to our thinking and personalities. That takes lots of time. That really made sense to me. It is almost like we are at war with ourselves.
Ogly can shed some good light on this topic..
Right now, I'm havin a little breakdown at work, so I will get back to that, you all take care.
Love,
bonbon
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
There is a difference between an A who is not using and and A who is recovering...a BIG difference!
I, too, have always wondered about those people who seem to breeze through life without a care. I am always looking inward and monitoring my every move and it gets a little old. When is it their turn? I prefer to think that the grass just SEEMS to be a little greener over there from where I sit. That is one of the things I always have to work on (work..again!?).
Paula
I, too, have always wondered about those people who seem to breeze through life without a care. I am always looking inward and monitoring my every move and it gets a little old. When is it their turn? I prefer to think that the grass just SEEMS to be a little greener over there from where I sit. That is one of the things I always have to work on (work..again!?).
Paula
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hmmm...
We all need years to recover. The reason some addicts think everything should be okay once they give up the substance, is that they have given up the most obvious symptom of their problem. Then, alas, they begin to face the kinds of things that anons have had to come to grips with. Our problems are often hard to recognize and sort out . The rest of the addiction problem is hard to sort out, too.
I think one of the reasons anons have such difficulty changing their behavior, is that our society and culture teach us that we are SUPPOSED to support, we are SUPPOSED to compromise, we are SUPPOSED to be self sacrificing, we are SUPPOSED to be generous, love is SUPPOSED to conquer all. We are taught that these behaviors make us noble human beings. Unfortunately, anons tend to be overacheivers in these areas. Like addicts are not moderate with their substance, we are not moderate in our "selfless" behavior. We want to be good. We are having to reevaluate our very definition of goodness. No wonder it takes years.
Smoke
We all need years to recover. The reason some addicts think everything should be okay once they give up the substance, is that they have given up the most obvious symptom of their problem. Then, alas, they begin to face the kinds of things that anons have had to come to grips with. Our problems are often hard to recognize and sort out . The rest of the addiction problem is hard to sort out, too.
I think one of the reasons anons have such difficulty changing their behavior, is that our society and culture teach us that we are SUPPOSED to support, we are SUPPOSED to compromise, we are SUPPOSED to be self sacrificing, we are SUPPOSED to be generous, love is SUPPOSED to conquer all. We are taught that these behaviors make us noble human beings. Unfortunately, anons tend to be overacheivers in these areas. Like addicts are not moderate with their substance, we are not moderate in our "selfless" behavior. We want to be good. We are having to reevaluate our very definition of goodness. No wonder it takes years.
Smoke
Member
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Colorado
Posts: 161
BonBon asked me tocome over and give my insight - for what ever it is worth - I have found that th reason that is has been so hard for me to recover is because it is SO much easier to focus on others problems than my own...
"The hardest part for me is to stop obsessing and worrying so much about his feelings. What about my feelings? I have always put everyone else's feelings before my own and it's really hard for me to reverse that but I'm getting better. This is a very slow process. I wish there was such a thing as a quick fix." There is no such thing as a quick fix and the more you wish for one - the fatrther back in your recovery process you will through yourself.... the more you wish for things that you know do not exsist - the more you derail yourself because those thought are designed to keep you from moving forward.... it is not something we want to admit beccause we use day dreaming as an escape from our reality... It is fine to day dream little - but not to constantly wish for something that does not require some effort... Everything worht having requires work... including recovery.....
Why is it so easy for some people to just put their past behide them and move on without even looking back? As far as i know - the people who say they have done that - there has been YEARS of work behind it - and it just seems easy.... People say Ogly - you are SO strong, GOD i wish you could be like me.... folks it has taken me 36 years to get to this point... it has taken a divorce, 3 years of an addict in my life, visits to shrinks, bing laid off - you name it to get to this level of serenity and i still fall back on occassion... I have not just walked away from my past.... instead i embrace my past as the university of life.... i amnot afraid of repeating my past if necessary because i know will survive... in my experience people who have moved on understand the statement... the past is thepast and there is nothing to do but learn from it.... living in the past does nto allow you to move forward and have a better life....
the people who hold onto thier past are inmy experinces the ones who are afraid of the future... who are afraid to admit that mistakes were made and most importantly are afraid to forgive thmeselves that they are not perfect.... I was one of those - i thought i had to be perfect and i was drowing in my past flubs.... life SUCKED that way.... now - i apologize to myself... i understand that the only opinion i really care about is mine and God's and he forgives everything - so why shouldn't i.....
"I wish I could be like that. It's been almost 2 years and still live very much in the past."
The thing is you can..... You CHOOSE to live in the past... what do think would happen if you CHOSE to live in the present? What are you afraid of... remember it all boils down to fear....Are you afraid of someone judging you? Are you afraid of what you think you will loose? But have you ever thought about what you will gain....
Here is your homework assignment....
Make a list.... what you gain by living in the past and what loose by living in the past and what fears you have about leaving the past behind.... make that same list if you were to live in the present.....Then make the list about your fears about living in the present....
It will be a VERY eye opening list and hopefully your springboard into living in the present!!
Go have a GREAT day today... in the present!
Love
Ogly
"The hardest part for me is to stop obsessing and worrying so much about his feelings. What about my feelings? I have always put everyone else's feelings before my own and it's really hard for me to reverse that but I'm getting better. This is a very slow process. I wish there was such a thing as a quick fix." There is no such thing as a quick fix and the more you wish for one - the fatrther back in your recovery process you will through yourself.... the more you wish for things that you know do not exsist - the more you derail yourself because those thought are designed to keep you from moving forward.... it is not something we want to admit beccause we use day dreaming as an escape from our reality... It is fine to day dream little - but not to constantly wish for something that does not require some effort... Everything worht having requires work... including recovery.....
Why is it so easy for some people to just put their past behide them and move on without even looking back? As far as i know - the people who say they have done that - there has been YEARS of work behind it - and it just seems easy.... People say Ogly - you are SO strong, GOD i wish you could be like me.... folks it has taken me 36 years to get to this point... it has taken a divorce, 3 years of an addict in my life, visits to shrinks, bing laid off - you name it to get to this level of serenity and i still fall back on occassion... I have not just walked away from my past.... instead i embrace my past as the university of life.... i amnot afraid of repeating my past if necessary because i know will survive... in my experience people who have moved on understand the statement... the past is thepast and there is nothing to do but learn from it.... living in the past does nto allow you to move forward and have a better life....
the people who hold onto thier past are inmy experinces the ones who are afraid of the future... who are afraid to admit that mistakes were made and most importantly are afraid to forgive thmeselves that they are not perfect.... I was one of those - i thought i had to be perfect and i was drowing in my past flubs.... life SUCKED that way.... now - i apologize to myself... i understand that the only opinion i really care about is mine and God's and he forgives everything - so why shouldn't i.....
"I wish I could be like that. It's been almost 2 years and still live very much in the past."
The thing is you can..... You CHOOSE to live in the past... what do think would happen if you CHOSE to live in the present? What are you afraid of... remember it all boils down to fear....Are you afraid of someone judging you? Are you afraid of what you think you will loose? But have you ever thought about what you will gain....
Here is your homework assignment....
Make a list.... what you gain by living in the past and what loose by living in the past and what fears you have about leaving the past behind.... make that same list if you were to live in the present.....Then make the list about your fears about living in the present....
It will be a VERY eye opening list and hopefully your springboard into living in the present!!
Go have a GREAT day today... in the present!
Love
Ogly
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