My story ....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
My story ....
Well, it has been a long 2 1/2 yrs. ABF was clean when i met him. He told me that he had a problem with pills when his marriage fell apart. XW cheated and became addicted to cocaine. We got along so well. He was funny and attentive and so intelligent. It was shortlived as i could see that he was having issues dealing with the loss of his family. Anger, mourning, rage towards XW. He quickly fell into the trap. I watched him (as if i was outside looking in) self destruct. And i lost myself along with him.
I had no experience with drugs. Didn't know what an oxy, perc, hydro etc was. i didn't know the difference between an opiate, amphetamine, or benzo. I didn't know how people used them nor the equipment needed. After a couple of weeks, he needed something to sleep. That eventually let to cocain, meth, then heroin. It went quickly. I ignored all of my values. I had fallen for this mess of a man. He was very charismatic. Everyone falls in love with him. But he made it clear that he was so completely in love with me. Eventually the drugs and his choice to use robbed us of any future.
I came to understand what codependence was. I struggled with that.
I married my XH at 21. He drank a bit but it seems social. That increased over the years along with the abuse. Chokings, stranglings, verbal and sexual abuse, suffocation, bear hugged, etc. It cycled. The abuse, the make up honeymoon phase, more drinking and more abuse. I finally went thru with having him removed after 19 yrs of marriage. And i never looked back.
I have always let things run longer than some people would. I would be sure of my feelings. Sure of my decision and i never went back to anything or anyone i removed from my life. It was my way, a final end.
So time passed and i kept watching 'us' like it was happening to someone else. The pain. The tears. The broken promises. Detox. Failure. Detox. Small success. Failure. I have watched him stop breathing. Have a seizure. Revived him. He denies that any of them happened. I truly believe that even he cannot understand how any of this self destruction could actually happen while he feels so good. I buried my pain, my thoughts, my feelings to get thru each day. Each moment. I always hoped for one thing ... his sobriety. He knows this. But the man that can feel it is gone. He disappeared, so quickly and the one that is left is like living with someone who has died. Like a dream wrapped around a nightmare.
I am beginning to deal with the things that i have done to enable this. Without me, it would not have all been possible. I nearly lost everything except that when it came down to it, i was not willing to give up my life or freedom for him. I began to protect my heart. To protect my life. Insulate who i love from being affected by this situation. I had for a time, begun to cut. It's a disease to balance the pain outside with the pain inside. It's an ugly, really ugly place to be. The self hatred is visible. And it truly doesn't hurt cause the feeling inside ones head won't allow it to hurt. I had starved myself. Cried thousands of tears. And yet during all of this, it was all raw reality. I never used drugs. I don't drink. Or smoke. Or even drink coffee or caffeine.
I have always believed in walking straight thru the pain, no around it or avoiding it. So witnessing what was happening to ABF was all new to me. He has never laid a finger on me. His choice is to sell himself or his requests .... to manipulate, lie, take what he needs. He has the trigger of a hundred options, cocked at any moment. Ready to use to get what he wants. Then he will pick a fight so that he can go do what he wants without feeling any guilt. After all, it's always someone elses fault.
why ?
Cause he's an addict and as zoso77 says, that's what addicts do.
nothing here on SR stuck with me more than that simple phrase.
it brought me pain and often relief - made me realize that i could not reason with someone who is altered by chemicals. That i was responsible for the things i chose to do or the things i chose NOT to do. I helped him along and i will have to find a way to deal with that pain. But until then, i work on my codependence issues.
I used to attend Alanon when i was with my XH. It helped a lot. Taught me how to focus on my feelings and what i needed, while not continuing the spiral of his addiction. So here i am again.
I have spent 2 years reading what everyone here writes. I didn't post anything because i felt my story in each of their words. And now i realize that this is happening to me and it's my choice to let it continue or to say goodbye to this amazing human who had a life of pain and cannot seem to find a way to face it. Avoiding it each time he uses.
He is terrified of losing me but heroin is stronger than that.
I walked straight thru it. The scars are on the inside. Invisible to most.
Thanks to everyone here as you can see there are thousands watching, reading, absorbing. Reading stories that relate and feeling the compassion from some very key people (you know who you are!). It begins to sink in and stick and i can truly say that SR has helped keep me sane during this madness.
I feel as if the burden is beginning to lift. The decision is near. And i will survive this as i have so many other things in life. I pray for strength and hold my faith tightly. With good reason
I had no experience with drugs. Didn't know what an oxy, perc, hydro etc was. i didn't know the difference between an opiate, amphetamine, or benzo. I didn't know how people used them nor the equipment needed. After a couple of weeks, he needed something to sleep. That eventually let to cocain, meth, then heroin. It went quickly. I ignored all of my values. I had fallen for this mess of a man. He was very charismatic. Everyone falls in love with him. But he made it clear that he was so completely in love with me. Eventually the drugs and his choice to use robbed us of any future.
I came to understand what codependence was. I struggled with that.
I married my XH at 21. He drank a bit but it seems social. That increased over the years along with the abuse. Chokings, stranglings, verbal and sexual abuse, suffocation, bear hugged, etc. It cycled. The abuse, the make up honeymoon phase, more drinking and more abuse. I finally went thru with having him removed after 19 yrs of marriage. And i never looked back.
I have always let things run longer than some people would. I would be sure of my feelings. Sure of my decision and i never went back to anything or anyone i removed from my life. It was my way, a final end.
So time passed and i kept watching 'us' like it was happening to someone else. The pain. The tears. The broken promises. Detox. Failure. Detox. Small success. Failure. I have watched him stop breathing. Have a seizure. Revived him. He denies that any of them happened. I truly believe that even he cannot understand how any of this self destruction could actually happen while he feels so good. I buried my pain, my thoughts, my feelings to get thru each day. Each moment. I always hoped for one thing ... his sobriety. He knows this. But the man that can feel it is gone. He disappeared, so quickly and the one that is left is like living with someone who has died. Like a dream wrapped around a nightmare.
I am beginning to deal with the things that i have done to enable this. Without me, it would not have all been possible. I nearly lost everything except that when it came down to it, i was not willing to give up my life or freedom for him. I began to protect my heart. To protect my life. Insulate who i love from being affected by this situation. I had for a time, begun to cut. It's a disease to balance the pain outside with the pain inside. It's an ugly, really ugly place to be. The self hatred is visible. And it truly doesn't hurt cause the feeling inside ones head won't allow it to hurt. I had starved myself. Cried thousands of tears. And yet during all of this, it was all raw reality. I never used drugs. I don't drink. Or smoke. Or even drink coffee or caffeine.
I have always believed in walking straight thru the pain, no around it or avoiding it. So witnessing what was happening to ABF was all new to me. He has never laid a finger on me. His choice is to sell himself or his requests .... to manipulate, lie, take what he needs. He has the trigger of a hundred options, cocked at any moment. Ready to use to get what he wants. Then he will pick a fight so that he can go do what he wants without feeling any guilt. After all, it's always someone elses fault.
why ?
Cause he's an addict and as zoso77 says, that's what addicts do.
nothing here on SR stuck with me more than that simple phrase.
it brought me pain and often relief - made me realize that i could not reason with someone who is altered by chemicals. That i was responsible for the things i chose to do or the things i chose NOT to do. I helped him along and i will have to find a way to deal with that pain. But until then, i work on my codependence issues.
I used to attend Alanon when i was with my XH. It helped a lot. Taught me how to focus on my feelings and what i needed, while not continuing the spiral of his addiction. So here i am again.
I have spent 2 years reading what everyone here writes. I didn't post anything because i felt my story in each of their words. And now i realize that this is happening to me and it's my choice to let it continue or to say goodbye to this amazing human who had a life of pain and cannot seem to find a way to face it. Avoiding it each time he uses.
He is terrified of losing me but heroin is stronger than that.
I walked straight thru it. The scars are on the inside. Invisible to most.
Thanks to everyone here as you can see there are thousands watching, reading, absorbing. Reading stories that relate and feeling the compassion from some very key people (you know who you are!). It begins to sink in and stick and i can truly say that SR has helped keep me sane during this madness.
I feel as if the burden is beginning to lift. The decision is near. And i will survive this as i have so many other things in life. I pray for strength and hold my faith tightly. With good reason
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 408
Joie,
Your story sounds like what my future would have been...thank you for sharing. We are very similar, I stay far too long than I should, but I am in my twenties and am coming to the realization and acceptance that I can not compete with the opiates.
Your story sounds like what my future would have been...thank you for sharing. We are very similar, I stay far too long than I should, but I am in my twenties and am coming to the realization and acceptance that I can not compete with the opiates.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Florida
Posts: 41
Thank you for sharing your story. My story is so similar. Divorced my AXH after 17 years together only to fall in love with another addict. They are so different, yet the same. I never even thought about finding my own recovery with my AXH. I am working on myself now and trying to find gratitude in my situation. Its so nice not to feel alone.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 276
We see things through in two ways: to the end at which the basic human moral code says we must, and to the end which our own personal compass points us.
There is nothing wrong with your having stuck with things longer than most people would. I can honestly say that "most people" that I can think of probably would have "toughed it out" with my exAH just as long as I have, if not longer. And many wouldn't have called it quits at all...
Every post on every thread, every quiet action toward emancipation-even something as silly as refusing to buy his favorite snacks or ignoring a phone call, every hour spent in self-care, is a step toward your freedom. I had to learn that, too-that we do not always make our breaks from our addicts and our oppressors loudly.
Hubris is loud.
Courage is reserved and often, goes unnoticed.
Well done, lady. You got this.
There is nothing wrong with your having stuck with things longer than most people would. I can honestly say that "most people" that I can think of probably would have "toughed it out" with my exAH just as long as I have, if not longer. And many wouldn't have called it quits at all...
Every post on every thread, every quiet action toward emancipation-even something as silly as refusing to buy his favorite snacks or ignoring a phone call, every hour spent in self-care, is a step toward your freedom. I had to learn that, too-that we do not always make our breaks from our addicts and our oppressors loudly.
Hubris is loud.
Courage is reserved and often, goes unnoticed.
Well done, lady. You got this.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Joie, I have followed your wise posts but never knew your full story until now and I want you to know that it touched my heart.
Thank you for finding the courage to share and thank you for sharing your light with so many.
I hope that the lessons of your past will bring you wisdom and special blessings for the future. ..you deserve them.
Hugs from my heart to yours.
Thank you for finding the courage to share and thank you for sharing your light with so many.
I hope that the lessons of your past will bring you wisdom and special blessings for the future. ..you deserve them.
Hugs from my heart to yours.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 26
Thank you Joie for all the support you give to us here on SR . Remember how far you have come and where you are at today .. It didn't take years and years this time around to see what a wonderful life you truly deserve , I commend you for your efforts in wanting to make a better life for yourself in what ever way you see fit . I thank you for your support and the inspiration you bring to many. In your Devine right time you will make the best choice for your life .. We all tend to stay in situations longer then we needed to but I look at it as maybe we need to learn this lesson a bit longer so we don't repeat it .. Thank you for your light ..
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
