advice please.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: uk.
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advice please.
At the risk of humiliating myself further I would like to ask the people here for their thoughts on domestic violence and consequences.This isn't the first time that my partner has asaulted me,and I don't mean "just" slapping.Do I just walk away or press charges(she isn't drinking but is abusing god knows what).I feel
stupid that I have letthis happen again.I don't want to hurt her, but would it be a wake up call for her if I were not to just leave it?
stupid that I have letthis happen again.I don't want to hurt her, but would it be a wake up call for her if I were not to just leave it?
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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Hi, Christopher,
I've worked in the DV field for a very long time (retired prosecutor). NO ONE should suffer abuse.
YOU have to decide what is best for YOU. You certainly have the right to file charges, but I would suggest that if you are doing that to "send a message" or give her a "wake up call" you are likely to be disappointed.
You might want to call your local DV hotline and ask to talk with a counselor about what your best move might be. Walking away is an option if it can be done with safety. If you feel she is dangerous (and I don't know how much more than a slap she has inflicted on you), then pressing charges might protect you or her next victim.
Focus on what's best for you, not what might be best for her. Criminal charges might have very little impact on her drinking.
I've worked in the DV field for a very long time (retired prosecutor). NO ONE should suffer abuse.
YOU have to decide what is best for YOU. You certainly have the right to file charges, but I would suggest that if you are doing that to "send a message" or give her a "wake up call" you are likely to be disappointed.
You might want to call your local DV hotline and ask to talk with a counselor about what your best move might be. Walking away is an option if it can be done with safety. If you feel she is dangerous (and I don't know how much more than a slap she has inflicted on you), then pressing charges might protect you or her next victim.
Focus on what's best for you, not what might be best for her. Criminal charges might have very little impact on her drinking.
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Thank you: yes,perhaps that does sound "tit for tat"- suppose I wanted her to see what is happening rather than to pretend it is all ok.She hasn't injured me-has done in the past.Its a wake up call for me-I don't know what she is capable of.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
Chris, I have no experience in this field but I believe domestic violence: physical, mental or emotional is never ok. You have a right to be safe. I would report her the next time it happens. Drunk,high, or sober DV is still DV.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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Do I just walk away or press charges
walk away AND press charges. no one deserves to be abused. EVER. it's time to quit worrying about what will get thru to HER, and wake up and do what is best FOR YOU.
walk away AND press charges. no one deserves to be abused. EVER. it's time to quit worrying about what will get thru to HER, and wake up and do what is best FOR YOU.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: VA
Posts: 142
I also work in the DV field. Abuse will escalate over time if it is not stopped. Throw in alcohol and it's a recipe for disaster. Last year we all watch a battered wife deny in court that her husband assaulted her. The charges were dropped & they left the courthouse hand in hand. He murdered her that same night. Please, please, please don't allow this to continue. It's not going to get better.
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Christopher,
Please know two things:
1) You do not deserve this and you don't have to accept this, and
2) You are not alone. While not spoken about a lot, men are also victims of domestic violence but often do not report it because they feel an additional layer of shame about having been victimized by a woman.
I just want to second that abuse gets worse. Please take care of yourself and do what you need to do to be safe.
Please know two things:
1) You do not deserve this and you don't have to accept this, and
2) You are not alone. While not spoken about a lot, men are also victims of domestic violence but often do not report it because they feel an additional layer of shame about having been victimized by a woman.
I just want to second that abuse gets worse. Please take care of yourself and do what you need to do to be safe.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 765
Hi Christopher
Alanon talks about helping us see if we are in some way contributing to the situation (i.e. needling, criticizing, nagging, controlling the alcoholic, trying to tell them what they should do etc.) Things like judging, silent scorn, etc can push old buttons in the alcoholic then they react. (this is for all humans not just the A.)
If any of that rings true and if you want to stay married, I suggest going through the steps with an Alanon sponsor or AA sponsor if you are also a drinker.
If you don't want to stay married and this person is a dry drunk, you are always free to leave too.
Only you have the answers and the steps help being them up.
Alanon talks about helping us see if we are in some way contributing to the situation (i.e. needling, criticizing, nagging, controlling the alcoholic, trying to tell them what they should do etc.) Things like judging, silent scorn, etc can push old buttons in the alcoholic then they react. (this is for all humans not just the A.)
If any of that rings true and if you want to stay married, I suggest going through the steps with an Alanon sponsor or AA sponsor if you are also a drinker.
If you don't want to stay married and this person is a dry drunk, you are always free to leave too.
Only you have the answers and the steps help being them up.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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WM, nothing the victim does "causes" or "contributes to" domestic violence.
There is often right and wrong on both sides of any relationship, but when you are talking about physical abuse, the solution to that does not lie in working one's Al-Anon program better. Helpful suggestions include leaving, safety planning, protective orders, or seeking help from law enforcement.
There is often right and wrong on both sides of any relationship, but when you are talking about physical abuse, the solution to that does not lie in working one's Al-Anon program better. Helpful suggestions include leaving, safety planning, protective orders, or seeking help from law enforcement.
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WM, nothing the victim does "causes" or "contributes to" domestic violence.
There is often right and wrong on both sides of any relationship, but when you are talking about physical abuse, the solution to that does not lie in working one's Al-Anon program better. Helpful suggestions include leaving, safety planning, protective orders, or seeking help from law enforcement.
There is often right and wrong on both sides of any relationship, but when you are talking about physical abuse, the solution to that does not lie in working one's Al-Anon program better. Helpful suggestions include leaving, safety planning, protective orders, or seeking help from law enforcement.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
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lThank you to everyone who has replied.I probably did try to control what she was doing by removing medications that were all over the floor-I was frightened -I have had to give her naloxone at home on other occasions(supplied by harm reduction team) while waiting for the emergency services,she has been in resus several times-she doesn't seem to see or ? care what she does to herself.There have been times when I have been very scared-I have gone to bed and put furniture against the door -no normal person would live like that.I have enough insight to see that she is almost an amalgamation of both my parents.Feeling anxious around someone and being unable to relax was my warped idea of attraction and intensity-dont know any other way to explain it-I have never felt comfortable or at peace with her,even when things were ok.You know,I feel sick inside ,I have to do some serious thinking and carry on with counselling-havent carried on with alanon because trusting people is something of a problem for me.Sounds even more nuts
then to have CHOSEN someone I can't trust.I don't know-the mad things we do!
then to have CHOSEN someone I can't trust.I don't know-the mad things we do!
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Join Date: Sep 2014
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For my part, I have shouted at her,lectured her,pleaded with her and begged her: there is no doubt in my mind that she has been abused-I have been desperate to make her better yet the more I try it seems the worse it gets.I'm willing to look at why that happens and that it could be because underneath it is really a selfish act- concentrating on her problems is a very convenient way of avoiding my own-my level of personal responsibility is not good either really.It is a crazy and very unhealthy situation.Thanks again for taking the time to reply-I need insight and sanity because mine feels quite shaky at times.Bless you all.
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Originally Posted by Christopher1 
Do I just walk away or press charges(she isn't drinking but is abusing god knows what).
Most cases do not usually go all the way through the courts
No one should ever be treated in this manner
for
without love there is nothing
and -- this does not show love
MM
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Join Date: Jan 2014
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
WM, nothing the victim does "causes" or "contributes to" domestic violence.
There is often right and wrong on both sides of any relationship, but when you are talking about physical abuse, the solution to that does not lie in working one's Al-Anon program better. Helpful suggestions include leaving, safety planning, protective orders, or seeking help from law enforcement.
There is often right and wrong on both sides of any relationship, but when you are talking about physical abuse, the solution to that does not lie in working one's Al-Anon program better. Helpful suggestions include leaving, safety planning, protective orders, or seeking help from law enforcement.
Because a victim who stays with an abuser seems to me to be contributing. And someone who antagonizes an abuser seems also to be contributing. I don't say this to blame the victim.... It is never their fault that someone abused them. But how is it not contributing when they continue to stay and to engage in the patterns of abuse?
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Originally Posted by FreeOwl
Really?
Because a victim who stays with an abuser seems to me to be contributing. And someone who antagonizes an abuser seems also to be contributing. I don't say this to blame the victim.... It is never their fault that someone abused them. But how is it not contributing when they continue to stay and to engage in the patterns of abuse?
Because a victim who stays with an abuser seems to me to be contributing. And someone who antagonizes an abuser seems also to be contributing. I don't say this to blame the victim.... It is never their fault that someone abused them. But how is it not contributing when they continue to stay and to engage in the patterns of abuse?
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Originally Posted by FreeOwl
Really?
Because a victim who stays with an abuser seems to me to be contributing. And someone who antagonizes an abuser seems also to be contributing. I don't say this to blame the victim.... It is never their fault that someone abused them. But how is it not contributing when they continue to stay and to engage in the patterns of abuse?
Because a victim who stays with an abuser seems to me to be contributing. And someone who antagonizes an abuser seems also to be contributing. I don't say this to blame the victim.... It is never their fault that someone abused them. But how is it not contributing when they continue to stay and to engage in the patterns of abuse?
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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Why don't we ask the question, "Why doesn't the abuser leave? Why does the abuser stay with someone with whom s/he is angry enough to assault?" As between the abuser and the victim, who is RESPONSIBLE for the choice to use violence? And violence IS a choice.
Apart from pathological causes of violent behavior, ninety-nine percent of the time abuse isn't about anger, it is about power and control. The abuser does it because it is to his/her advantage to abuse the victim.
As LadyinBC points out, leaving can be highly dangerous for the victim. In addition, most abusers are highly manipulative and are able to convince the victim that the victim deserved it, that the abuser will change, etc. Many victims of abuse suffer from some degree of PTSD. Leaving is often a lengthy process that ideally involves safety planning and other services.
Abuse is never the victim's fault. It is the fault of the person who chooses to use violence.
Apart from pathological causes of violent behavior, ninety-nine percent of the time abuse isn't about anger, it is about power and control. The abuser does it because it is to his/her advantage to abuse the victim.
As LadyinBC points out, leaving can be highly dangerous for the victim. In addition, most abusers are highly manipulative and are able to convince the victim that the victim deserved it, that the abuser will change, etc. Many victims of abuse suffer from some degree of PTSD. Leaving is often a lengthy process that ideally involves safety planning and other services.
Abuse is never the victim's fault. It is the fault of the person who chooses to use violence.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
You've gotten a lot of good advice here. Remember the Alanon saying "You didn't cause it; you can't control it; and you can't cure it". These issues are hers to deal with or not deal with as she sees fit. We can't lead anyone else's life or require them to live as we want them to, even if they are abusive.
What we do get to do is decide what is healthy for us, and take action for ourselves based on that alone.
You might google "Mosaic threat assessment" and take the on-line confidential test that is used in many police departments (including by the US Capitol police in Washington D.C.) to look at past behavior of abusive people and see what level of future violence they might be prone to.
Take care of yourself, and if you decide to leave, do some research on how to do so safely. There are lots of threads here on SoberRecovery that you can find in the stickies and by the search function.
We never have to live an abused life. From my own experience, I think that having allowed myself to be abused without leaving, I unwittingly reinforced the behavior that it was okay to do. While my journey toward emotional health since I left my abusive alcoholic partner 2.5 years ago has been at times difficult, it has also been the most constructive thing I have ever done.
ShootingStar1
What we do get to do is decide what is healthy for us, and take action for ourselves based on that alone.
You might google "Mosaic threat assessment" and take the on-line confidential test that is used in many police departments (including by the US Capitol police in Washington D.C.) to look at past behavior of abusive people and see what level of future violence they might be prone to.
Take care of yourself, and if you decide to leave, do some research on how to do so safely. There are lots of threads here on SoberRecovery that you can find in the stickies and by the search function.
We never have to live an abused life. From my own experience, I think that having allowed myself to be abused without leaving, I unwittingly reinforced the behavior that it was okay to do. While my journey toward emotional health since I left my abusive alcoholic partner 2.5 years ago has been at times difficult, it has also been the most constructive thing I have ever done.
ShootingStar1
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