FreeOwl

I wanted to share something that happened this week. I think it's important, and probably something that many of us in addiction have shared.

I think we're pack animals. At the core, we are tribal in nature. Yet this modern world has many influences that place increasing distance between us. How many of us scarcely know our own neighbors, much less spend any heartful time with them? When was the last time - apart from perhaps an AA meeting - many of us sat with other human beings and shared deeply? How many of us have a 'council of elders' in our lives???

Well for me, I know that being connected heartfully with other human beings is important. I have this with my Lady - but I mean beyond that. And, I mean outside of romantic relationship or family. Life can be so isolating.... and so many people are wandering through it in quiet isolation. Even many folks who appear to have 'so many friends' can be lonely and have a hole deep within - because being around other people doesn't necessarily equate to being WITH people.

So the other day I mentioned to a friend that I really enjoyed being part of her yoga class and that I had intended to connect with her fiancee because he seems like such a sincere and centered man, and I have begun to really recognize and feel the lack of good male friendship in my life. The lack of a "tribe". So the next day the guy reaches out and says hey, I heard you were up for a hike or something. And so yesterday, we got together and went for a hike for about an hour in newfallen snow in the fall woods along a rushing river. We talked about life. About frustrations and joys. We shared perspectives and in doing so found common experience. What I found in it was connection, feedback, a sense of camaraderie, a feeling of not being alone. Walking in nature, not staring at a screen. Being surrounded by serenity and having another of my kind sharing, hearing, seeing me in kindred sincerity.

How rare this is today in the world. How lacking in my life. How essential to being a Whole Human.

So one step in my recovery process, one action in my joyful sobriety, is building and spending time with my Tribe. I have a feeling that the anxiety and depression and emotional turbulence I have been dealing with is in part a symptom of being isolated. Disconnected from my Tribe. A man needs other men. A man needs heartful sharing. A man needs other warriors by his side. I'm sure a woman needs all of these things too - I only speak with the male voice here because that is my experience.

May you all have a happy, sober day today.



(and thank you for being my 'virtual tribe'. You are also essential.)

Waterfalls2014

FreeOwl, this is a great message. Even tho I'm a woman I agree 100%. Friendships are something to cherish. I went to a hockey game last week and was looking around at people laughing and having fun. It dawned on me that I can have that life again too. The isolation can end and new friendships can be formed. It's exciting to think about new experiences and forming new bonds with others. I'm glad you had fun. I hope you've met a new life long friend

bunnezjp

I have a tight circle, but at my core, I am still a Lone Wolf, more like a Mako shark. Even in Sobriety, I prefer to operate alone, or with one or maybe two other people at most. Its just how I roll. Great post, though

Bunnez

Conquest

I'm proud to be a new member of the SR tribe. What a great post, FreeOwl. Thanks!

ArtFriend

I've heard from many men I have known that they feel lonely, even though they might have a sig other. I think it's harder for men to share their feelings, especially to other men. Glad that you found this guy FreeOwl and you can remain lifelong buds!

helpimalive

I get ya. I'm a woman, but I often feel like having a partner or whatever can't be enough. I often dream about having a close-knit group of friends who stick together. You know. Like in all the tv shows. :p So that's awesome you did something about it.

Briar

This is so beautiful. I know very well that need for a tribe. My hangup is that I don't trust people not to hurt or judge or abandon me, and I know how quickly I fall for people when I let my guard down, so seeking a community feels dangerous. Meetings have been helpful, but I'm not prepared to call any of those people outside of meetings even if they've asked me to. It's tough.

FreeOwl

I definitely have a 'lone wolf' side. But I have found that 'no man is an island' applies to me.

I believe that meaningful connection and sharing time and experience with others is key to human wholeness.

Not the lets go out and watch a game with friends kind of togetherness - but the 'sharing on a deep level, being there, really seeing and being affirmed or affirming another' kind.

Verte

FreeOwl, I thought about your post throughout doing my Saturday stuff. I'm definitely a tribe member and love the idea of a 'virtual tribe'. My tendencies lean towards herding and keeping things together. Pushing and tucking in the stragglers. Bringing what's up, back down. All the while moving forward. I do this for work in real life and it is very meaningful to me.

Conquest, I really like that visual you posted. That was in my head all day as well.

Great post. Thanks.

ShineLove

Hi FreeOwl. Thank you for your post. I am a woman, and yes, I have a very close-knit circle of girlfriends. We commit to meeting once a month to sit "in circle" and share what we call our "sustainable stories," which basically is how we've grown and what we've learned from our challenges (without venting, gossip, or idle chit chat, just pure listening and reflecting). I know of a few similar circles for men in our community, but they're much less common. I think there needs to be more outlets like this for men. I hope you find your tribe, and I agree with you 100% how vital it is to our well-being. Best to you.

Hawks

Spiritual moment?

Verte

Well, this is truly intriguing. You are just going to have to consider starting a thread about how this is done. Listening and then do the others reflect on similarities and share? Sounds respectful. Do you meet together monthly for this sole purpose? Sorry to tangent FreeOwl

FreeOwl

No worries! This is exactly what I mean.

A few times in life I've had small groups of men who would do exactly this sort of thing together. I think it is essential - yet a dying or lost form of togetherness.

I used to have a group where we would all get together and just share; dreams, challenges, visions, fears... Then others would share their own experience - not advice - just experience or reflections. 'What arises for me is....'. No judgement or advice bit often, guidance.

I think I will start a small group here and get this going again. I think this sort of thing is a fundamental human need. It sort of happens at AA meetings sometimes.... But because the core purpose is recovery I think even AA isn't quite it.

This sort of thing is simply about being seen, heard, respected, honored, cared for, supported as a human - and bringing all of that to other humans.

FreeOwl

This is understandable. Perhaps it could start with just one close friend...


Trust and intimacy is scary stuff.

Ms Marie

Wonderful post! I have been thinking about finding a new "Tribe" of Sober friends.

LBrain

sometimes I feel like Ishi myself. It is true that men usually do not connect on a deep level.

FreeOwl

Yet when we do, it is like coming home.


The modern world socializes us into a terrible, painful isolation. The only acceptable forms of male closeness seem to be sports and drinking.

Ahhh, but experience the power of a few brave men sitting in a circle sharing from the heart their True Selves and you will marvel at the injustice of the world's expectations and teachings.

What is a man, really, who is never seen but for the mirror???

Wastinglife

I have been extremely isolated since getting sober. My drinking ended a 6 year relationship and I moved back to my home city where all my old friends had married/kids etc. They all slowly moved on with their lives and careers whereas I descended into alcoholism and regressed.

38, broke, single, and lost would describe me now but the worst part is the loneliness from any meaningful human contact. Alcoholism drove everyone in my life away.

FreeOwl

Boy that sounds pretty grim. I can relate to feeling isolated and alone and how awfully that can undermine the sense of self.

Is there any way you might begin to add in reconnection with others to your sobriety?

Perhaps volunteer work, a club or exploring a new interest that involves others? Martial arts? Yoga?

Isolation is so terrible if it is constant and it's so essential to have nourishing connections with others in our lives.