AW1111

My AH will be coming home next week after being away for over 30 days in rehab/detox. So much has changed in such a short amount of time!

I have been religiously going to Al Anon and therapy on weekly basis. I feel I have a whole new outlook on life...it makes me sad it took my AH checking himself into rehab to finally take a candid look at myself and figure out why I let myself get so sick over someone else's choices. In just a short amount of time I feel I am finally on the right track for MYSELF. I feel strong and educated. I finally feel like I am starting to regain my self worth back and no matter what life throws at me, I will be able to take care of myself.

My AH has made leaps and bounds as well. He too has a completely different outlook on life. I have been able to visit him once a week at his treatment center, and every week is giving me more confidence that he has "seen the light". The way he talks, the way he is facing his disease, his ownership and acceptance...everything.

Numerous staff members have even come up to me when I was waiting, or leaving visiting hours, to tell me the progress he has made and his determination to tackle his sobriety. His therapist in rehab also told me the director asked him to speak to the newcomers that were just entering the facility to encourage them that there is hope and to answer questions. They all keep telling me he is on the right track to really living his life sober.

We have also been attending marriage counseling at the facility, and this has truly helped us both clear up a lot of resentment. We have been learning tools to help us rebuild the trust that came along with the drinking, and have been learning to communicate better about our feelings. I feel like everything is going way better than I expected?

But that is where I need some advice from my SR family...am I being naive? Is this something that I want so bad I am being too optimistic and letting my guard down too soon? I suppose only time will tell if he applies everything he learned to when he is back in reality with all of the triggers and stressors of life. Is it wrong for me to want to wipe the slate clean and move forward? I want this version of my husband forever...I know we have a long uphill battle but I want to believe we have a chance. He genuinely wants this.

I have read so many horror stories on this site and I don't really hear about any positive endings...am I about to walk into a brick wall or is it ok to be optimistic and start fresh? Thank you everyone.

Dee74

I believe you can be both optimistic and cautious AW.
It will take time for trust to build again between you too.

There is lasting recovery tho, certainly - there's thousands of examples here on SR

I wish you and your husband the very best

D

AW1111

Thank you Dee, I am trying to stay level headed and not fall back into my "forgive and forget mindset". That was a HUGE part of my enabling and co-dependent ways... I need time to reflect. I just want this to be IT you know? I want to be happy with my best friend again...I miss him!

legna

As Dee said, there are many of us who have recovered. Your husband can too. I believe being optimistic is fine. I've found that keeping a positive mind set moving forward is helpful; allowing that mind set to become an expectation is when I begin having problems. Below I found something that gave me pause:

What do you mean by 'letting your guard down'? If I'd have said something like that, I think I would mean, "being too optimistic and letting hope in" or "being too optimistic and letting the fear go".

In the latter case, I'd try reminding myself that either way fear doesn't help.

happybeingme

I think its great you are optimistic. My husband and I have survived my alcoholism. We have almost 24 years of marriage. The only caution I would have is beware the "pink cloud". Its a feeling of near euphoria. And while its great to feel it doesnt last and the let down can be tough.

As long as you understand life deals you ups and downs and things will always be a challenge at times if you work on your recovery and leave him to his you should be fine.

m1k3

Optimism is fine as long as you are willing to see reality as it is. Yes there are lots of stories of couples who make it and there are lots of couples that don't. Right now you don't know where you stand. So be optimistic but don't fall back into old habits.

Hope clouds observation.

Your friend,

Hammer

I think I am. Optimistic, that is.

Dunno.

Sometimes hard to tell from the inside, and I notice that folks on the outside seem to vary mostly depending on their own perspective.

I think I am optimistic for me and the kids.

Fun work lined up, good projects and play with the kids ahead. They are doing great in school, too. Program and God stuff is all good, too. Much to be thankful for.

As far as the A . . . They have their own path. I am glad to not be tied too closely to that or with that. In my case -- I figure Mrs. Hammer may straighten out and be a decent wife. Or not. And if not, likely her replacement will.

All Good By Me.

SeriousKarma

Life without optimism sucks.

Given a choice between a glass half full and a glass half empty I'd choose the half full one any day.

Work you program and enjoy the fruits of your labor. If, at a future date, you're put to the test you'll know what to do for that situation, at that point in time. Your program is there to keep the rug from being pulled out from under you. There's no point in future tripping now. Enjoy your free glass of water!

Eauchiche

AW, I am so happy for you!
Many of us never get to the stage you and your husband are at now. I wish both of you the very best.

walkinganewpath

I've wondered the same thing. My AH went to rehab for 28 days - made it a week after that. Somethings are improved - but that could be because I've been working on me via Alanon and therapy.

My expectations of AH are different than they used to be as are my responses to him/his behavior. So even though he is still actively drinking things feel better for me and I'm still realistically optimistic. Realistically I've started making sure I have an escape plan if needed (applied for a job, reinstated my inactive personal checking account and got a debit card, registered my own car in my own name, etc). I'm still optimistic and hopeful that things will work out - still working on my definition of "working out" though - lol!

Give him room to work his program and keep working on your self. Wishing you both the best!

LexieCat

Yup, optimism grounded in reality is the way to go. No matter how bad things are there is always hope--for us, at any rate. And for him, too.

Just realize that no matter HOW well he works his program, and no matter how sober he stays, it is a HUGE adjustment for both of you. I can almost guarantee that from time to time he will display old behaviors. If he addresses it, then it doesn't mean he's headed for a relapse.

My first husband has been sober for 34 years, and I vividly remember that some days I felt I was going insane with some of the things he said and did (he was never abusive except to himself). He recently told me (and I don't remember this but I don't doubt that it happened) that I yelled at him once to "Call your sponsor and tell him not to bring you back until you're FIXED!" Heh, we survived and have remained good friends through a very amicable divorce (which had nothing to do with drinking).

Keep working on yourself while he works on himself. And yeah, go ahead and hope for the best. It happened for us, in that relationship.

Bamawife

My RAH has been home from rehab for 10 days. He and I are both working our programs. I did not know what to expect when he came home. For the first week it was somewhat awkward. It seemed as though we didn't know what to say, do, etc...he was very, very quiet and that is unusual for him. Things seemed to begin changing yesterday. He is more like his normal, sober self and cracking a few jokes. He has respect for me working my program and I respect him doing the same. We are definitely having to adjust to a new way of living and I am okay with that. Right now he and our son still aren't speaking and it bothered me at first. I started thinking about it and praying about and realized that I am also powerless over that relationship. So, instead of having a family Thanksgiving, my mom and I are going out of town the weekend before Thanksgiving to celebrate with my children and their SO's. In the past if I had said I was going to do that, my RAH would have gotten angry. Instead he understood.

I wrote all of this to just share my experience with you. I wasn't really prepared for how much I had changed in addition to the changes he made. I continue to take it one day at time--even an hour at a time. Right now, though, things are pretty good!

I wish you the best!!

cynical one

Being realistically optimistic is great. But, IMO major life changes do not occur within a months time. Look how many gym memberships are sold and intentions of living a lifestyle of healthy eating and exercise occur every January as part of a New Years resolution. January is easy being excited about the possibilities. By March making the time to hit the gym before or after work every single day becomes tiring and inconvenient, and all those new recipes we were excited to try out fall wayside to it's just so much easier to pick something up at the local restaurant some evenings. We're creatures of habit, and trying to change things that are ingrained within us takes time. In the long run the tortoise wins the race by taking it one step at a time.

NYCDoglvr

I suggest being optimistic and letting go of expectations at the same time. Expectations are beliefs about the future, and no one knows what will happen. It's much better to hope for the best than expect it. Congrats on all your hard work, it really pays off.

AW1111

Thank you everyone for the invaluable feedback. Honestly, it brought me to tears (happy ones).

This has been such an emotional roller coaster and like many of you said, I need to continue to focus on me and let him work his own program. That is definitely my plan.

The mention of the "pink cloud" made a lot of sense to me, and reminded me that I still need to be realistic because everything has not be solved in just one month. I am just trying to be honest with myself and the situation, and don't want to be on a "pink cloud" and start neglecting warning signs. I need to still be prepared either way.

I feel really good, and feel that it's ok to be happy about all of the positive changes we are making for ourselves and our marriage. I want to really start trying to live more in the moment and enjoy every day...my goal is to stop future hopping! Still struggling with that one.

AW1111

I had to stop and think about that...and you are so right. You are spot on about fear doesn't help either way. I will hold on to those words...thank you!

NYCDoglvr

When I got sober 23 years ago I never drank again. But my recovery in Alanon has been two steps forward, one step back and I think that's fairly common. I'd think "oh great, that's fixed!" only to find change is a process and much slower than most of us want. What helped a great deal was Alanon, which taught me to be gentle with myself and learn patience. Good luck!