irisgardens

Continues to be rough but my f2f naranon meeting is a blessing and my lifeline.

Am trying not to let the feelings avalanche take me out too much.

Working with doctor and therapist to feel better...it will take a few weeks.

Just doing my best as I can really trigger my stuff when I am trying to do everything all at once now.

Reading the literature and posts.

Working not to blame myself for all the 'mistakes' of the past but rather to be grateful and to acknowledge that I have been working this program for 19 years and have gone and done as much as possible for me...and that each person has their own pace.

Working to not blame myself for FOO and a majority of immediate family have chosen to not participate in any kind of recovery and my days of pushing and forcing are over...so I guess I have grown.

Learned yesterday that I am a person who talked (always did...didn't know what I was doing...just talking about what I observed) about the 'elephant in the room' and I have not stopped...I speak as openly about my own codependency as I have the courage now...have had enough experiences with being rejected that I am more cautious now...and need to be in groups a while before I can trust...but naranon is good.

Also finally got enough clarity to realize that I have been addicted to needy people all my life...for the longest time I just thought that they needed help and when others didn't go to them in really hard circumstances that I could do that...but have come finally to recognize the pattern of giving too much of myself away and realizing that needy people take my help and care but when their own lives turn around...they are gone and I am all alone again...and that is not healthy.

I am praying for healthier people in my life (as I become healthier again) who work on their own selves...it feels like I tumbled down Mt. Everest from the last time this happened...13 years ago...and did I work it...but there are more triggers requiring me to deal with more feelings...realizing that no matter how hard I work to fix...I cannot make alcoholic parents (dad passed but was sober for 11 last years which were best years of my life with him as he was so much kinder and accepting than in my whole life)--mom is still drinking and alienated foo because I brought up what was appearing in my own children...the addiction issue...and they needed denial to prevail; still do.

I can tell that I have made progress...and yet the trail seems to be leading up Mt Everest again...my RAD still blames me for all the interventions and work I insisted on--I am having to set boundaries with her as she is very angry (with me), blames me for everything, and says that it is my fault...I realize it is because she chose never to work on her own issues...but it is discouraging and she is so negative towards me but I know it is her path and I have done all I can...a lot...and now it is all about her choices...

Also, her youngest sister is lost in active heroin addiction...and I just pray to my HP to talk to her HP to ask for her to live and turn her life around...although all that is hard.

I have had to let go and let God around family and set some boundaries...and there are more good moments as the two oldest and the youngest are now back in my life after cutting daughter off and cutting me off as the 'labeled' enabler...and I have survived that. I need to continue.

Oh boy...so very tired...but going to do my best with boundaries with all...as I have always focused on doing my best with that (had none when I started working my program)--but I have to be gentle with me...perseverant in my program but I know that there is so much and I cannot do anything but work my program...let go and let God...and with the third...since she is an adult--22...(the others were teenagers so had more support)--and quite frankly praying that she gets arrested again...because that might help...but who knows.

I am choosing to walk with faith...and grateful that I was born and raised by my grandmother (who raised me in faith rather than so much religion as she had a hard life too)--I could tell when little but she told me to rest my prayers in God (my HP) and to trust and obey...and even though I have almost gone down for the count so many times over the past 12 years...I am still walking in faith...and will continue to turn as much over to my HP and to work my program and to be grateful for every little thing I can be...and it is a lot...so...grateful that I am walking (limping more or less) but taking things one step at a time...trying not to judge myself or to blame myself (which was another layer I found in the past 2 years) and just working my program.

Vale

irisgardens,

With all due respect, you get down on yourself alot.

I'm glad you had those last 11 years with your Dad.

I'm not going to research every post----but you bring good
cheer and good humor and good camaraderi to this watering hole
and for that we all are grateful.

I was deserving of the title enabler, too. So what! My title first
and foremost is human being. You will NEVER go down for the
count and neither will I.

We need you here----and you have a duty to US.... a duty to
keep living, keep sharing your feelings-----and keep showing us how
it's done. So walk, limp, or crawl.....I don't give a damn about your
chosen form of locomotion. Hell, if you're on fire, drop and roll!

But what you bring to us here is important. YOU are important.
And this duck has a dark side-----a hard bill that he's 'gonna nip you
in the ass with if you DARE to not acknowledge the value you bring
to our little watering hole.

You are stronger than you know, friend.

Ann

I think you are doing very very well and progressing much more quickly than I ever did.

You are doing the "do" things and they will truly help you in your recovery. What others think of all this, the good things you are doing for yourself, really doesn't matter. Sometimes they may try to run interference because they see the gravy train pulling out of the station.

Embrace the goodness, take time for the children who are not the ones causing problems, and most of all keep surviving and moving forward...sometimes it may feel like Mount Everest, but when you reach the top it's one heck of a lovely view.

You're doing wonderfully well, remember to rest along the way and enjoy the journey.

Hugs

Ann

Hi ya Vale.

You bring light and smiles to every thread you post on.

Don't let it go to your head, but your cheering us on is very inspiring.

Vale

My threat still stands.
The duck will nip HARD if irisgardens degrades the
value that SHE brings to this place.

Vale

Too late.....it went to my head.

(Not as serious a problem as it would first appear,
have you seen a ducks noggin? Not alot of volume
up there!)

irisgardens

Hey Vale (DUCK--it's stuck in my head now)!

Thanks for making me laugh...it is hard for me to laugh and you give me so much (don't blush or duck away...just take it like a duck!)

Thanks...I am working it...and I love this family here that I am finding...and I am not so lonely as I have been the last several years...and that is all good!

irisgardens

Ann--thank you...your words always help and you inspire me to keep keeping on...and am working on overwhelming guilt right now (the therapist said survivor's guilt--but truly--it was because I was let go from work and I had convinced myself that I could do everything and anything again to help my family survive--and that is not true...so just being honest).

I worked myself into a wet messy heap by too many hours, too much problem solving and did realize (but realize now) that my foo issues came up as the two guys in charge had my parents personalities...and together are very challenging as they are driven, unaware or uncaring about people, and want to be successful in business at all cost.

I don't blame my parents...and I loved my Dad for always being there in my hard times even when I didn't know I was having them (still don't know until I go down for the count...but other people can read it and aren't always kind)--the being let go re-triggered the trauma of Mom and sister cutting me off as soon as Dad passed away and I was no longer needed (I help just because it always seems like the right thing to do but have helped myself into being too stressed to do what I need to do at work...get emotional...and then get let go (in the past years of the great recession) and I seem to believe that I am the only one who can do it for everyone...but realize I can't...and so that is good).

Have been told by the doctor that I can be triggered into flashbacks (it was a certified trauma in my life--along with my son passing (that I have dealt with and have done it many times--but the addiction of my kids...I think retriggers the life or death fear--so working with those two triggers--sucks and makes me mad but I am getting up and moving and doing).

I cannot do it all...not even part of it...how's that for speaking the truth for once.

I am fighting through these two triggers and doing my recovery.

I do not want that sharp beak of The Duck to get my behind side...had a rooster do that when I was about 7 (helping grandma in the chicken coop and she was afraid of the rooster and older than me so deserved my help) and have kept my distance ever since...it hurts!!! :-)

Thanks...and I am just going to work on keeping posting feelings here...I have trouble with that and when I post am always afraid I did it the 'wrong' way...but am going to continue anyway.

It is helping.

Vale

two guys in charge had my parents personalities...and together are very challenging as they are driven, unaware or uncaring about people, and want to be successful in business at all cost.
=============•
how very sad for them.
they will (no doubt too late)....discover what a
losing life strategy this is.

Twofish

Dear Irisgardens,
You have been so full of hope and a shining star to our family Please never leave us!
Didn't that Sweet Duck tell you....?
That we love you?
And don't let him fool you...he doesn't bite, he blows kisses!
Sewiously, keep posting, you're doing just fine!
(((Hugs)))
TF

irisgardens

thanks for the reassurance...and I love you all and I am feeling more and more part of here...so am posting what is real for me...because it helps make it real...then I can feel it and let it go.

yeah...too bad for those guys but they are not my problem...asking my HP (God) to help my mind come back together (when it is time) to be able to figure out what the 'right' job for me is...and to find it...and in the meantime...just grateful for all here...and working my program which has been like coming up from the deep (starting at age 40)--to wake up and find that the only person I can work on is myself.

I truly love people and have questioned whether that is my fatal flaw--but being here is helping me understand that ACOA issues or not...my dad always cared about family and taught me to do so...and although his alcoholism was a deterrent (as a kid--I always wondered why I could feel that he had a heart but he couldn't show it--but understand now and from the 11 years spent with him as he dried out because of the stroke)--I knew God was giving me a blessing and I am now happy because I have learned that even in the hardest of situations our HP's are so very powerful when we are powerless.

Thanks guys...I thank you for the reassurance...I am always ok caring about others...that's what I do...but kind of digging through my feelings and then letting them be and feeling them...I used to have a private therapist to be comfortable but that is not possible right now...and so working to push past and to just be myself and not sugarcoat as much.

LOVE YOU ALL!!!

irisgardens

Sweet Duck is right! So much heart...now I'm getting all emotional and sentimental!

Vale

irisgargens wrote/
and I am just going to work on keeping posting feelings here...I have trouble with that and when I post am always afraid I did it the 'wrong' way...but am going to continue anyway.
=======================
If there was a 'wrong way' to post, the duck
would have found it by now----

-get in line----take a number.

We are here for each other. There's no wrong way to do that.

Twofish

*nods* Sweet Duck...
We are here for each other!
No wrong way about that!!
TF