Kboys

"It's none of your business what other people think of you." Something I've read on a few posts here... can't remember who posts it, but it's something I've been thinking about a lot lately, and reminding myself of...

I tend to overanalyze AH's comments, and moods, guess what he's thinking, assume what he must be thinking, and tell him what I think he's thinking, and what his actions mean, even when I'm entirely off base (or am I?). I started to do this more and more throughout our relationship, as I became more and more insecure after all the cruel drunk name-calling and criticisms. And the cheating.....

I also find it difficult to not wonder about (obsess over?) the negative things he has told the girl he cheated on me with about me. What lies has he told her? What truths has he told her? Does she know everything about me, and what does she think of me? How much is he lying to me about his continued relationship or lack thereof with her? (he still works with her two days per week... UGH... but that's another post I guess)
Why do I care what she thinks of me? Or anyone else that he works with for that matter?

So... I've really been trying to not do that. It makes me crazy. Every time I start wondering and start feeling the anxiety that goes along with it, I've just been taking a deep breath, and telling myself to stop. then I switch my focus to anything else, like the tree in front of me, or feeling of the beautiful fall day, and I just try to take it in, and appreciate the moment. And it has been helping...

How do you not let it be your business? How do you get past caring what other people think of you?

Hope4Life

I just try to be the best person I can be and help whoever needs help to the best of my ability. Living with the saying 'just do the next right thing' as my mantra and letting my actions show the kind of person I am.

I have been in the same place you are and it is very unhealthy. After spending many years drinking and partying with people who loved to gossip, I walked away from an entire community of folks I thought were my 'friends'. I soon learned they were nothing more than drinking buddies and left them behind.

My Avatar says it all.

AnvilheadII

well.....it sounds like MAYBE you are focused more on what others THINK...not so much about what they think ABOUT you. trying to climb into their heads, think their thoughts. we do this in an effort to gain some level of control......if i know what you are thinking, i might be able to to change things.

but really what it does is keep us out of our own heads. instead of you deeply contemplating how YOU feel about the fact that your husband slept with another woman and still to this day has some level of a relationship WITH her.....you wonder what HE thinks and what SHE thinks. you focus on trying to interpret THEIR lives instead of your own.....and as soon as you try to stop, the internal screaming starts..........

you're probably going to want someone skilled in this kind of stuff to talk it out with. cuz i don't think you are at peace with it all. and that will leave you restless, irritable and discontent - and obsessed!

hopeful4

I guess that I realize who my X is and try and think that anyone who knows me and knows him will see through my actions who I am as a person. Anyone who does not know me, why should that affect me?? So, I don't let it.

I agree, to talk it out would be good. And truly, time does heal a lot of things.

Timeiskey

That is a hard one. Codi behavior. I am working on limiting myself when it comes to playing out other people's thoughts of me...in my mind, it is rarely nice and good. We are so worried about what other people think of us...what do you think of you? And in reality, whatever a woman who would engage with a man who is supposed to be in a committed relationship thinks isn't something that you should worry about...not that it makes it any easier. When my ex immediately started dating someone and I would see her, at first, it broke me down wondering what she thought, what she was told...all of it. But when I stopped letting my mind go there, it was much better...still miserable but much better. and now it is getting even better. Big HUGS.

NYCDoglvr

It was an eye-opener when I realized that while I was obsessed with what abf was thinking he had not the slightest interest in what I thought or cared about. He wasn't in some forum posting about me, after all. It helped me stand back and ask myself if this is acceptable in a "relationship". The problem wasn't him, it was me and my codependency. I had these problems because I picked him! It was the beginning of the end of the relationship, the start of recovery.

FireSprite

I've been thinking about this one a lot today Kboys, because I think it's a really important hurdle to jump in recovery if it's not a behavior that comes naturally (or has been suppressed as in the case of an ACoA who has had to adapt to alcoholism from very early in life.)

I don't know if I have ever fully examined how I feel about this before now, so I'm speaking from retrospect. I don't know WHEN I hit a turning point with this but I know it was largely due to me finally realizing that:

* I had deeply examined my own inventory & embraced every flaw I could "see" with a true effort to change. I ws happy with my morals & sense of ethics.

* I had re-examined myself as necessary over MANY years..... I've been doing this in one way or another since I was 15 (ACoA). It was one of those things I didn't even realize I was doing naturally in an effort not to go mad. I'm not afraid to own my side of the street, even if I sometimes have to re-work it until I get it right.

* People who REALLY know me, especially any of those unrelated to my AH, saw the real me & reflected good things back to me which reinforced my opinion that I LIKED MYSELF when I wasn't molding myself in relation to others around me.

So, what did I care what people-who-don't-know-me or who have-an-agenda-against-me or whatever think?

It's literally as simple as "If they don't even KNOW me, how can their opinion of me MATTER? It has no weight, no value. No basis. Fiction.

lillamy

For me, that behavior -- trying to get inside other people's heads and figure out what they're thinking -- is founded in insecurity and fear.

Here's how my brain works: If I can figure out what another person thinks, I can be a step ahead of them when they act, and then I don't have to be surprised/betrayed/hurt.

It's a protective strategy that I've used to avoid pain. But I can tell you that for me, the obsessing over what's going on in other people's heads (my boss, my ex, my troubled daughter) has brought me a little other than stress, worry, and pain. Because I can spend days and weeks and months trying to figure them out -- but they're still not going to behave in a predictable way. I'm still going to get hurt. Obsessing about what they say/think about me -- that is just an added layer of pain and stress.

I think for me, I've finally gotten to a point where I honestly do not care what people think about me -- for the most part. I like me. I like who I am. I do my best to be courteous and nice to people, set clear boundaries, and not compromise with who I am. If people talk trash about me, then that's on them. That's got nothing to do with me. I'm not perfect; I'll make mistakes, and when I do, I apologize. But I won't apologize for being who I am, for standing up for myself.

I think I realized when I heard AXH's lies about me that... that when you have people in your life who are hellbent on badmouthing you, you could be Mother Theresa and they'd still find something to hold against you. So you might as well be who you are.

Stung

Because I don't feel like I'm good enough. I was raised being told I wasn't good enough. It was never enough. I've recently learned that "enough" doesn't exist. There is no bar that I can reach where I'll be enough in someone else's eyes. I just need to be good enough for me and seek validation from myself (my therapist helps me with this BIG time.)

Therapy. Also, alanon has really helped in this aspect. There are a lot of screwed up people out there, I'm not alone in my dysfunction. Also, gratitude helps keep me centered in that I have so much goodness in my life, I only hope everyone else can feel that gratitude about their own lives.

Hope that helps.

Kboys

Thank you all for your responses.

SoloMio

I've been there, and frankly, because I know for a fact that I would have to have been made the bad guy, I don't even think about it, or care about it. Why would you care what your AH's [whatever you want to call her] thinks about you?? Of course there is no way she can know you from what he has said about you. Put it out of your head and check it off your mental list.

When AH relapsed he went to a counselor who seemed really cool to me because of her background in Buddhism and yoga and other spiritual topics. But she learned what she knew about me through his filters, and she took the bait hook, line and sinker. Then she told him exactly what he wanted to hear just as he was about to relapse: "Your wife is very controlling person. Why shouldn't you have a glass of wine with your steak?"

Bingo. The genie opened the magic door and he began his relapse from 5 years of sobriety from which he never recovered. I totally get that he was manipulating her for what he wanted (permission to drink), and whatever she thinks of me, and how much or how little I control him is totally of no consequence to me whatsoever. I know who I am, and that's all that matters.

And when I think about what he might have told other people about me along the way, who cares? It's just so much dribble and bibble and quack.

Kboys

Thank you. I know, so true... trying to not care about it. Trying every day, and hopefully I will get to that point where I TRULY DON'T CARE.

My AH saw a therapist about six times earlier this summer, and it was the same thing, I was just "too controlling, and thrived on the drama." The therapist told him he is "not an alcoholic, " he really doesn't "expect him to stop drinking." So because I know the therapist professionally, and scheduled the first appointment for AH (not many therapists to choose from in our small town) he was throwing it back at me, "Well, you recommended the guy, so he must be right..."

It just occurred to me that I truly DON'T care what the therapist says or thinks about me, but I do care what AH's "whatever she is" thinks... not sure why that is...
I think part of what bothers me the most is that AH's "whatever she is" knows that I know he cheated on me with her. She knows he's an alcoholic. And she knows I keep letting him get away with all this S**T and come home. Beyond that, I don't really know what he has told her, except, like you said, I know that he had to make me the bad guy to her.
So I think she thinks I'm a doormat, and I guess I think I'm a doormat, so that's why that bothers me... because I think it's true. The things I know are NOT true that I assume he has told her still bother me though... Anyway, I don't know...