Karivan

I have been married for 14 years and this is the second marriage for both of us. My husband drank beer when we first got married but in the past 6 years it's gotten steadily worse. Now he drinks vodka when there isn't any beer in the house. I was invited last week to a nice dinner at a 4 star restaurant through my work and begged my husband to stay sober for it. When I got home from work that day he was already high but told me he had only had 2 beers. I later found an empty 12 pack in the garbage. At dinner he had 4 vodka/gin martinis and got really drunk. I was so embarrassed. This isn't the first time he has done this at a work outing and I told him I will never invite him to one again. He also got drunk at my college graduation party, which really hurt.
He refuses to admit he has a problem because he holds down a job and does things around the house. I'm ready to leave the marriage because he won't get help. My sister, brother-in-law, and cousin have died in the past 4 years from alcoholism. I can't sit by and watch him die.
I know this is a long post but I don't know where to turn. I set up counseling sessions that he never showed up for and tried to get him into AA but he never went. I know he has to want to do it and I want to be happy. What have other people done when it's finally over? :scared1: How do I tell him and get out? He never gets physical but he is very good at dishing out mental abuse.

wolflvr

Hi. thanks for replying to wrote I had written. Your hubby and mine should get married. My husband was the beer guy then it turned into the vodka guy. He is nothing like he used to be as far as the drinking but as I said 1 drink to me is too much. I dont think he is capable of drinking 1 drink. I get the "I have a good job" line too. Woopy doo, so do a lot of people. I feel like you do. Sometimes I feel I would be happier without him but another part of me says to stick by him and believe in him. He has changes a lot in some ways but so far its not enough. Do you talk to your hubby about this and tell him you may leave? If so what does he say? I dont know how you handle his drinking as far as talking to him about it or what but does his family get involved or anything? I feel bad for you because I know what you are going through. The embarassment they can cause us is ridiculous and not fair. I hope that you whether you stay or leave you can find happiness within yourself. It is not right they take away our laughter and smiles by their selfish actions. We are beautiful women and I say its time we take back our lives and be happy. Are ya with me sister? haha

Yreva

Karivan- I feel so bad for your situation...sounds alot like mine. I shouldn't tell you what to do, because only you can make that decision when you feel like you are "done". Here is my "story" and I only hope it helps.
My AH is a functioning alcoholic too. We both are self-employed and we have a great house, and 2 kids together. I also couldn't stand to watch him destroy himself even if life was (on the outside) looking great. I got to that point after him once again saying he had to go "to a meeting" and he didn't call or come home- his best friend finally found him TOTALLY drunk and brought him home about 1AM. I thought I was going to have to take him to the ER he was so drunk! He puked all over the bathroom and himself and proceeded to call himself every name in the book. He also was NEVER physically abusive, but when drunk could dish out the mental abuse. I waited a few days after this incident and decieded I was done with the cycle his drinking and our relationship had created...I told him that he needed to move out. Not because I didn't love him, but because I did love him and I wanted him to figure out what he needed. To watch him drink and destroy all that we had built together and himself was to much for me, and I didn't want the kids to watch it either. He moved out- got drunk a couple times - was very mad at me for a while, and has now entered treatment. It still isn't easy with him in treatment, but I have been attending AL Anon and am trying to get my life on track and keep my kids healthy and happy. It is not an easy road, but it sure beats the road I was on before- just watching him destroy it all! Do what you need to do to keep sane and healthy- continuing the cycle isn't working- You cannot sign him up for AA nor can you make him WANT to get better- The only thing you can do is deciede when you are done that you want him to get out and get help- then the ball is in his court...very scary, but also very liberating- if you work on it you will be free from worrying how much he drank-
Read you post- you "found the 12 pack in the garbage" - I have done this a million times- you have to free yourself from the need to "police" his drinking- obviously he will either drink or not drink no matter what you do....you are making yourself crazy worrying about it. Also you know exactly how much he had to drink at dinner- 4 vodka/gin martinis....try to take the focus off of him and detach from his drinking. I really recommend an Al Anon meeting. Hang in there and keep coming back here. This site has been a great place for me, and I hope for you too. Keep learning and reading posts here and you will be better off for it.
Di

cwohio

ladies - we are all sisters in this post. i too have a functioning AH, worse as the years have gone on - vodka his poison. it also has gotten worse as he was downsized 1 1/2 years ago (but was retirement eligible and gets a pension every month). he now sits home everyday, does some minimal upkeep. our house is paid off (he paid the mortgage payment and i pick up utilities, food, my car payment). i get the verbal abuse also - how i would still be in a basement apartment if it wasn't for him, blah, blah.

anyway.......i don't think if it gets to that point that i could tell him to leave, i would have to do it myself. sucks doesn't it to try to build something after so many years and maybe have to give it all up and start again. i think about that every so often, but less now that i have begun Al-Anon. i am going to give this my best shot.

i understand your confusion. i am not sure how i would approach the situation either. like i said, it would be me leaving as i am sure i would run into a fight about it being "his house" per say.

i hope some of the others who post can shed some light.

i'll be thinking about you - chris

Nightowl

cw - I don't knolw about OH, but in Indiana if you are married - everything is owned 50/50. Your marriage splits - you split the stuff 50/50. Sure people can argue and waste money on lawyers but I would view that house as yours too. Screw him.

My SO used to tell me how lucky I was because he didn't go to bars and he didn't beat me. Oh, lucky me!!! They can rationalize anything.

I'm sorry Karivan that you experienced that work outing recently and that his drinking is making you question your life. It sucks. I hope your DH can figure out how disruptive his drinking is before it's too late. In the mean time, good luck and take care.

cwohio

owl - i understand - i just meant that if it came down to me asking him to leave vs. me leaving, it would probably be easier for me to leave. now as for the other - not sure about what's whose and i don't really care at this point. not to that point yet and i guess i'll croos that bridge if and when i come to it. your answer made me chuckle tho ("screw him"). i know about the rationalization - "i'm not doing anything to you", (yes you are dingdong, your committing slow suicide right in front of me). i've heard the "not beating" line too. thx for the chuckle! cw

prodigal

Nope, no such thing. Alcoholics don't deal with reality very well - if at all - and with their denial kicked into high gear ("But I only had one drink, babe.") I call that DYSFUNCTIONAL.

My husband has a graduate degree in engineering from one of the most prestigious universities in this country, he is an Army lieutenant colonel who has been meritoriously decorated numerous times, and he has excelled in his profession. I guess you could call that a "functioning" alcoholic. His other "proof" that he's NOT an alcoholic is that for the six months he was deployed to Kosovo, and the nine months in Iraq and Kuwait, he didn't drink!! Guess what???? Alcoholic beverages are not available in those Muslim countries so he couldn't drink even if he wanted to. But just let him get a sniff from a bottle of Scotch, and watch out!

I've watched an intelligent, gifted man fall down and pass out cold on our dining room floor, have blackouts that have lasted for an entire weekend, and totally embarrass me in front of our neighbors when he attempted to "talk" to them. Functional?? Heck no!!

Karivan

You guys are great! You have made me feel like I'm not alone in this and I really like your answers. Actually Colorado isn't a community property state but my money paid for the down payment for the house; he didn't work for a year after we moved here and he made less than half of my salary for the rest of the time. He is NOT getting the house. (or the dogs) My sons are grown men so at least there aren't any kids involved.
I am starting to live my own life, getting my own friends and hobbies so that I won't be so alone after he leaves. My family lives in another state so I don't have anyone here. I love Colorado though, so I won't move elsewhere. I told him the night after the dinner that he either gets help or leaves. He hasn't drank this week but I'm sure we've all been through the dry periods. It never lasts if they don't want to quit. Football season is coming up and that always triggers a lot of drinking!

Karivan

You guys are great! You have made me feel like I'm not alone in this and I really like your answers. Actually Colorado isn't a community property state but my money paid for the down payment for the house; he didn't work for a year after we moved here and he made less than half of my salary for the rest of the time. He is NOT getting the house. (or the dogs) My sons are grown men so at least there aren't any kids involved.
I am starting to live my own life, getting my own friends and hobbies so that I won't be so alone after he leaves. My family lives in another state so I don't have anyone here. I love Colorado though, so I won't move elsewhere. I told him the night after the dinner that he either gets help or leaves. He hasn't drank this week but I'm sure we've all been through the dry periods. It never lasts if they don't want to quit. Football season is coming up and that always triggers a lot of drinking!