hummingbird358

My son is 20 and in his 2nd year of college and doing well but is now going to commute. He has been into smoking weed for a few years but recently has been doing a great amount. He could not get a job this summer because he failed the drug test for weed and then could not get hired other places. So he worked for my dad painting. He has spent all of that income on weed and now has no money. WHY can't he see what he is doing??? He sells gift cards family gets him for holidays/birthdays for cash. He sells things around the house. He takes the money out of our spare change jars. He feels his girlfriend should give him money. WE pay for his gas to drive back and forth to college, we pay for his car insurance, for college, for food. I refuse to buy him anymore gift cards due to him selling them for weed money.
WHEN will he wake up?? I am so afraid it will be too late soon! He does well in college but he rarely speaks to me or anyone in the family. He never is with us more than 3 minutes at a time so there is never a chance to have an adult conversation. He refuses to go out to eat with us or eat dinner with us at home. My daughter forgot her coat and I asked him to take it with him since they go to the same college. He refused to give her the coat unless she paid him for it. SO when he came home with it in his car, I took it out and mailed it to her! He is taking 7 classes and says he really doesn't have time for a job but I feel he could get a part time job on the weekends. WHen will he realize what he is doing to himself and his family?

Dee74

Sorry - I forget - is he living with you hummingbird?

If he is, maybe it's time for some pretty stringent ground rules about what happens in your home?

D

Ann

With love in my heart, I have to say that he already realizes what he is doing because it is working for him.

My son was no different, except he didn't go to college, but there came a time when I realized that every nickle I gave him ended up going for drugs. He sold his gifts, even groceries that I bought him thinking "well he HAS to eat"...no, even eating takes a back seat.

He steals from you, he holds belongings hostage for money, he is walking all over everyone...and he will continue until you all stop playing his games.

Think about this...if you all stopped paying anything for him, including college, he would survive. He would have to find a way to work and pay for his accommodation and food...or he could spend his money on drugs and live on the street. Don't be afraid of the street, shelters have counselors who will connect him to "real" help when he is ready.

I learned that I couldn't love my son clean, I couldn't buy him sobriety, I couldn't beg, cry, manipulate, shout or beg him into recovery. We ARE powerless over their lives and addiction but we are not powerless over our own actions.

Please choose to let go, to let him find his own way without dragging his family and loved ones with him as he spirals out of control.

Letting go is the most loving thing we can do, it's the only way to save ourselves and it gives them the dignity to make their own choices and learn from the consequences.

My prayers go out for all of you. You are "me" not so many years ago and I know your pain, really I do.

Hugs

AnvilheadII

just throwing this out there, but it sounds like he might be doing more than just weed. the behaviors, the stealing, the unwillingness to spend any period of time with family or go out to eat, those all sound like traits of more serious drug use. IMHO. over the course of my 54 years i've known a lot of folk who smoked a lot of weed and i've never heard of anyone outright stealing to get some pot.

i think you have some tough choices to make. like cut off his funding.
WE pay for his gas to drive back and forth to college, we pay for his car insurance, for college, for food.

he has no motivation to get a job, to support himself, cuz he's got the Bank o' Mom n Dad taking care of that stuff. he has a sense of entitlement and is unwilling to consider anyone else but himself and what HE wants.

if anyone else came into your home and STOLE from you, what would you do? he took your possessions without permission, he took money from you without permission. he won't even give his own sister her coat when they attend the same college.

it's time for him to grow up and he can't do that if he's still allowed to live in comfort in the feathered nest.

DoubleBarrel

He's 20. Time for him to live on his own.

These are largely HIS problems. Once he's out of the house, don's support his lifestyle.

I suggest an alanon meeting.

I will explain in the post below what I see in your post.

DoubleBarrel

You are focused a lot on another person, and what they are doing. I suggest, as hard as its going to be, to put the focus on YOURSELF, as you are the only one that you CAN control.

Hope7726

You can't control when he will wake up but you can wake yourself up and see that you are enabling him by paying all of his expenses. I know it feels like these are necessities for him but really, they are not. Paying his tuition, AS LONG AS HE IS DOING WELL IN CLASSES, I can understand. But his car and insurance, not your problem. If he really needed transportation to school, he would find it. Not sure if he is eligible but when I was in college I did work study jobs. They are paid, easy jobs on campus and most will allow you to do homework while you are there.

If he can't get jobs now because of failing drug tests, how is he ever going to get a job after college? He needs to feel the consequences of his actions. That won't happen as long as you are making life easy for him. Enabling = creating a comfortable environment for unacceptable behavior.

Do you have Al-Anon or Nar-Anon near you? I highly recommend you check it out.

GardenMama

I agree with all of the other posters here. And I have to agree with Anvilhead's hunch that he may be using more than pot. I thought my daughter "just" used pot and drank beer, but she was actually using heroin. I learned about that when she nearly died. There's a long story in between then and now, but I eventually had to cut her off from any kind of support, including even coming to our home. She has four months clean now, and is doing better than ever with her recovery, but she is in charge of what happens in her life from here on out, and we are all much better off. I highly recommend going to a NarAnon or AlAnon meeting and spending time on this board reading all that you can. This is hard stuff, and it will take you working on your boundaries to get traction and understanding regarding addiction and recovery, for loved ones as well as for the addicts we love.

racingthoughts

While other drugs certainly sound like a possibility, stealing money to support a weed addiction can definitely occur. I should know, I used to do it. When you're deeply entrenched in the stuff it can have some nasty withdrawals (probably not bad compared to other drugs, but still bad enough to cause a strong sense of desperation to get more).

What seems to be even more telling of another possible problem is his unwillingness to spend any time with you/your family. While weed made me a bit withdrawn, it never even got close to the point of refusing to go out to dinner with my family, that's ridiculous. None of my friends that smoked/still smoke did this either, and probably would be appalled at the idea of it. Even when I didn't want to do something with my family, I still did most of the time because I simply felt I owed it to them.

If it were just the stealing/money issues and he wasn't outright giving you guys a giant middle finger like he is by refusing to spend any time with you, I'd say just cut the finances (except school maybe). The fact that he is however, makes me doubt that you should even pay for that. He obviously doesn't respect the dedication you have shown him, or you in general. That part I personally find more disgusting than the stealing.

Btw, unless he is getting into more serious stuff, I don't think it's ever really too late. Weed will make a mess of his life, but it won't kill him.