SeaofConfusion

So, some time ago a member of my AH's family decided that an intervention for my AH was a good idea. I agreed to it, though with some reluctance, and helped make the arrangements. My AH was clearly at the point where something needed to change, and this seemed like a logical nest step after talking to many counselors and professionals on the topic. We proceeded, the intervention went badly, nothing changed. MY AH and his family member are now estranged - he hates this family member with the heat of a thousand white-hot suns, and mostly refuses any contact with them. This, he says, is because said family member "betrayed him" and he can't forgive that. Apparently, my role in helping isn't as bad - because he says he is not as angry with me. It makes no sense to me, but I accept that I may not have the best vision on this.

My AH demanded (and he used the word "demanded") that I stop speaking to this particular family member, who he feels continues to actively "conspire" against him. While this family member and I do continue to talk about me and mine, which means peripheral conversation about the AH, the AH isn't really the focus of conversation. We offered help; he refused. Intervention over. He is continuing to drink as he always has, more or less. I refused to give in to his "demand", and said if he couldn't have the basic respect to honor my wish that he at least do something differently, then why should I (and yes, I acknowledged that that might be a bit juvenile on my part).

But in the clear light of day, I'm questioning my response. This is his family he is making "demands" about. Do I honor the request, knowing that it supports his addiction, isolates me further, and will tear the family further apart? (My AH is already turning the holidays into an issue, as he refuses to participate in anything that this family member is at.) Or do I hold my ground?

SparkleKitty

Well. You could try "demanding" that he stop drinking, too. How would that go?

The "can't Control" part of the three C's works both ways, you know? He can't control you any more that you can control him. Unless you decide he can.

Sounds like he is just trying to protect his denial of his problem at all costs. You don't have to participate if you don't want to.

LexieCat

Agree with SparkleKitty. Alcoholics love to divide and conquer. You have every right to whatever friendships and support you want, regardless whether he likes it or not. You don't have to have this person over to your home--that would be invading his space--but talk on the phone, talk in person in some other location? Hell yes.

He has the right to cut off his family if that's what he wants, but he doesn't get to call the shots for you.

desypete

have you ever thought of just leaving him so he can depend on himself ?
the one thing us alcoholics are good at is losing people and ending up on our own it might sound sad but its not really its the only thing that will bring us down to our knees

i often wonder how come people stay with there drunks i know lots of people who came to aa and they still managed to keep there partners infact for many it was because they knew this time the partner was going to leave them that they took some real action

alcohilcs end up knowing no one else in the world will put up with them so they cling on to there wives as they need them as there little boys lost so to speak without them

so if you want to see your partner start to at least change and stop the drinking then maybe its going to take some hard action from you to show your not putting up with it anymore ?