Mrrryah1

My fiancé is leaving town today, until Sunday.

In the past, this is always a huge trigger for me. I don’t know what it is exactly, the change? The loneliness? The freedom to “get away with it”? But my AV or whatever you want to call it comes on heavy when I’m left alone to my own devices (in early sobriety). I've had many binges/relapses start this way...

Anyways. My brain is crazy enough today that I’m pretty sure I’ve “made the decision” to drink about 700 times, and then of course “made the decision” to not drink. I’ve got ping pong thoughts today, all day.

I don’t like admitting this , but I might as well be honest and reach out. I’m worried. I don’t know what’s going to happen over the next few days with my brain going this crazy.

Right now, in this moment, I want to stay sober, but my resolve is week.

So frustrated. I need a lobotomy.

biminiblue

I've lived alone for 25 years.

I have crazy brain.

I don't drink.


There. Proof it can be done. This is on you 100%. You know what happens, last time you emptied your accounts and were in serious trouble.

Get to a meeting several times a day. Use the AA phone list.

SoberLeigh

Are you going to AA tonight? Is there a meeting in the morning and one at lunch time? Do you have trusted sober friends that you can ask to stay with you and keep you accountable?

You are early in sobriety; ask for help; do whatever it takes to get through this time sober.

retiredusaf

Go to a meeting. Go to a non drinking friends house. Clean the house. Drink lots of water. Go for a drive. Go to a park. Do anything you want but don't drink! I am on my 4th sober day and I understand.

JT0626

Keep posting here everytime you get the urge. Don't do it, you are going to be fine. Come back frequently if you have to. You can do this, you are much stronger than this!

LBrain

whew... for a second there I thought it was something I did.

Spend time on the weekender thread with weasel and the troops. It's a music themed weekend and I'm sure you can add something to the party. Offer some encouragement to newcomers and share your ESH.

doggonecarl

I vote this.

It takes a certain amount of integrity to get sober. We aren't twelve years old anymore. We can't be sneaky where the only danger is in getting caught. We are adults and the danger is in the misdeed.

You've quit drinking. So you don't drink. Period.

Soberwolf

Hi Mrrryah read your plan separate the AV from who you really are and what your trying to do

Acceptance Mrryah ? we know we cant drink safely let alone responsibly

Reinforce your resolve by rereading your old posts and start going meetings every day as that was really helping you gosh you were helping others and feeling great you can have that again

Acceptance really is the answer but in the meantime http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...e-surfing.html

pivotalplains

Hi Mrrryah,

I'm back here today on day 2 again, and I feel like your post is exactly what I should have come here and written on Sunday night. My fiancé also left on a trip, which has always been a trigger for me in the exact same ways you describe.

I made the wrong choice, and drank. I absolutely regretted every moment of it, but I did it anyways because that's what the voice in my head was telling me to, and I listened to it, which was a huge huge mistake.

I regret it 1000x over, and wish I could take it back more than anything. I felt all the same old horrible feelings I did before- loneliness, disappointment, lack of the 'euphoric' buzz that I was missing, anger at myself, feeling hopeless, etc.

Don't make the same mistake I did. I wish more than anything that I was celebrating my day 20 instead of back at day 2 and feeling miserable, both mentally and physically.

YOU CAN DO THIS. Think back to all the things you hate about drinking. I personally found a lot of comfort (and a bit of humor, which often helps ) in the "Reasons to Drink Today" thread, where people sarcastically outline all the horrible things they "miss" about drinking and their drunk selves. It helps to remind me of all the obstacles we put in our own paths every day we decide to drink, and the fact that I don't want to go back to that place again.

Try to make plans with non-drinking friends (if you're honest about why you're calling, they'll most likely go out of their way to make time for you) and stay close to SR. Sometimes I spend hours on here reading through threads for inspiration and as a reminder that we're all in this together, and we are not alone.

My thoughts are with you!

Fly N Buy

There are many paths....but this one may be a bit harsh, though I do not judge.

I knew it was simply time to grow up. I can get and drink alcohol any damn time I want - Now! Today! But, with the acceptance I cannot or I will die - maybe not today, but who knows.....AND the desire to be undrunk I worked through it, for now.

Do you know what the world record for sobriety is ?????

























































24 hours........
Breathe, meditate, go to meeting(s) etc. Find your way that isn't surgical~~

fly

Ellay

You can do this. Think of how much better you are owing to feel on Monday posting that you made it. Play the tape allllllllll the way to the end when your brain starts playing ping pong. Stay close. Join us on the weekend thread.

Mrrryah1

Okay - this I don't understand. Sorry Fly - this might also sound harsh, I just don't understand. And here's why.

You just simply made the decision to not drink again, and then stuck with it, because you knew it was time to grow up?

You didn't obsess about alcohol when you weren't drinking?

Because I've heard over and over again in AA, that "It is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker, that he will somehow, someday, both control AND enjoy his drinking".

So - that's what I'm experiencing, right now. I'm pretty sure it's cookie cutter alcoholism. It's not that I haven't hit a bottom or whatever else... it's not because I haven't decided to "grow up" yet. It's because I'm an alcoholic.

Do I want to be experiencing these thoughts? No.

When I come back from a relapse am I always firm in my resolve to quit forever, only for these damned obsessive thoughts to creep back in minutes, hours, days, weeks later? Yes. 100%.

I don't get when people tell me "you quit - just stop thinking about it - end of story." or "I just made the decision to stop" or whatever else, especially on this website. Really?

These type of comments don't line up with how my brain works. Am I different? Or am I just misunderstanding?

I know for a fact that if I don't quit forever, and I mean right now, there's a chance I will die. My brain logically understands this. And yet I'm still struggling with thoughts of drinking.

I know that's insanity. I will freely admit it.

Maybe I misunderstand.

Mrrryah1

Thank you for this.

ccam1973

Mrrryah, you don't need to drink. Do something to get your mind off of it. Take yourself back to the last time you were drinking; that's reason enough to stay sober today.

Do what ever it takes to not pick up that first drink. As long as you don't have that first drink, you will wake up happy tomorrow... otherwise you will regret your decision and be back at day 1.

Trust me, the "ping-pong" effect does taper off with time, but you have got to get some time under your belt for it to get easier.

You can do it, no excuses.

Soberwolf

Hi Mrrryah just stick wiith us keep on posting

Fly N Buy

The point is once we admitted to our inner most selves we cannot drink and we do not. Each of us had to have a plan to get through cravings. Of course they happen. We have to find a way to have the obsession removed. Relapse does not have to be part of recovery - the fear of that keeps me sober. I may never, ever get another chance. It's not a game for me.....it's life or death.

For me, it did not take long to get past the obsession. When I completed step 3 I have not ever obsessed again~! It was removed......period.

That was around 30 days...... Until that time I went to meetings - daily, sometimes more. I ate gallons of ice cream. I smoked way to many cigarettes. I walked the dog, I read, I meditated - sort of> I yelled at God and prayer for release......

Growing up for me meant I had to accept not just I couldn't drink, but getting undrunk was going to suck! It would involve cravings. Regardless of who wasn't home or who was I WOULD NOT DRINK and stick to my plan.

That's the point.....

All that said, do I still think bad thoughts ? Do I still occasionally think about some Knob Creek bourbon in fine crystal with a couple of ice cubes? Sometimes - but, TODAY I refuse to give in to my sick, obsessive alcohol crazy brain. I have turned my troubles over to a power greater than myself....

I hope you find peace my friend. It 's there!!
fly

JanieJ

If I can stay sober, believe me, you can too.

There's nothing more crazy and downright stubborn than my AV.

You got this.

Dee74

Hi Mrryah

I had to learn to live with the thoughts and cravings. Thoughts are one thing - how we respond to them is another.

There's a raft of tips here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-cravings.html

you have AA support and numbers to call (I hope?)

There's no reason you have to drink this weekend and, looking back at your recent history, every reason not to, yeah?.

'Because I'm an alcoholic' is not a suitable reason to drink - it's a cop out. Don't use it.
There are thousands of sober alcoholics here.

Sometimes in the early days I had to lock myself in my room because the desire was so strong. I spent a lot of time on SR. The cravings passed, I stayed sober, and in time the cravings died.

I did whatever it took not to drink or get high - if you do the same, you'll do fine Mrrryah

D

tnman1967

Exactly my thoughts also. I've said it before on here that I decided to accept that I can't drink and I have no interest in drinking anymore. Yes it is part growing up and realizing that we have choices. See, I'm not a subscriber to the "powerless mantra". Yes I have cravings, yes I have thoughts about drinking and feeling sorry for myself when friends talk about drinking etc. But I decided that this is the last time I'm quitting. I have tried off and on for 30 years and yes it does take stamina and will power. I realize this is controversial for some and I don't mean any harm. Whatever works for you but for me it was time to realize that I'm not a victim and no one else is making me drink.

biminiblue

You know, thoughts are just thoughts.

Have you ever had a thought to quit your job and move to a tropical island? Did you do it? Do you ever think you'd like an expensive new car? Do you ever think you "should have" done something that you forgot to do? Do you ever remember something unpleasant that happened? Do you ever think you'd like to spend time with some handsome stranger? Do you sometimes start singing a song to yourself and can't stop?

Thoughts. They come and go. They come and go all the time. They don't have power. They are thoughts.