Quacking??
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
going to say this gently....but SO WHAT. yet another text from the AH about......something. why are you still reading them? are you learning anything NEW? HELPFUL? positive? OR is it just more BS.
it's enabling to a degree, ya know, to still be there as his AUDIENCE. as long as at least ONE person drinks the juice, he will feel validated and will have no reason to stop.....until the auditorium is empty and the lights are off.
he has SO become your higher power....
it's enabling to a degree, ya know, to still be there as his AUDIENCE. as long as at least ONE person drinks the juice, he will feel validated and will have no reason to stop.....until the auditorium is empty and the lights are off.
he has SO become your higher power....
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Butterfly, you would do yourself a HUGE favor by paying no attention at all to these texts and conversations of his. He is in denial and does not sound prepared to move out any time soon from it, if ever. Ugh..
QUACK....
QUACK....
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 109
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
as long as at least ONE person drinks the juice, he will feel validated and will have no reason to stop.....until the auditorium is empty and the lights are off.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Originally Posted by Butterfly
So got a text from separated AH Saying I don't even think I'm an alcoholic, I know I have issues with it but it controls me not the other way round!!
I don't even understand this statement. Translate, I'm not an alcoholic, I have issues with drinking, but the drink controls me, not the other way around, or did he mean I am not an alcoholic, I have issues with it, but I can control it, instead of it controlling me?
Either way, he is still drinking, he is in denial, he is defending his bottle, he ran away from home to be with his bottle, he is not giving his bottle up, he is justifying what he is doing in the most nonsensical way. They have institutions for people who think this way.
Is he trying to make you feel sorry for him? Why should you feel sorry for him? He ran away from home to be with his bottle, and he will defend that bottle till his death.
You on the other hand is still waiting for some sense from non-sense. He will continue to do this as long as you still listen to this BS.
He wants to keep you on the hook, he tells you he doesn't love you, then he sends this crap out. He knows your triggers, and he will keep baiting.
Is this what you want? He is no where near giving up the bottle.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Butterfly.....LOL! You know that it is Quacking...as you have indicated by the title f your thread.
Mr McQuackerson sounds very drunk as his text doesn't even make god sense....
Drunk people will do any kind of babbling.
One the serious side....what plans do you have for your upcoming weekend?
dandylion
Mr McQuackerson sounds very drunk as his text doesn't even make god sense....
Drunk people will do any kind of babbling.
One the serious side....what plans do you have for your upcoming weekend?
dandylion
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Several years ago, my therapist offered me a perspective that has been and continues to be pretty revolutionary for me. I'd like to share it with you in case you find any value in it. She told me this at a time I was in great distress, my first marriage had exploded and I was embroiled in a one-sided relationship with a charming, emotionally-unavailable man who had no intention of making a commitment to me. I just could not see it; I had allowed the totality of my self-worth to hinge on his Not Rejecting Me. I was obsessed, I cried all the time for about three months, and I wanted to just lie down and die 24/7.
My therapist told me that each person we allow in our lives is a mirror, reflecting back on us something about ourselves that is, for better or worse, dominant or important to us at any given time. If I chose to keep people in my life who loved and accepted me as-is, and only wanted the best for me, eventually that would help me love and accept myself, and want better for myself than I had accepted before. If, however, I chose to keep people in my life who reflected my insecurity and victimhood, whose inability to love themselves reinforced my own, I would likewise stay stuck in that place.
Letting go of toxic influences requires a leap of faith. It is so hard to let go of the familiar -- it's so hard that we make up stories about people we are afraid to lose, stories about who they REALLY are underneath all the abuse and cruelty, stories of who they might become if we leave them, stories about why they don't MEAN to do what they do, they just can't help it. Fairy tales. Movie stories. In other words, a lotta ********.
Butterfly, your AH is not the man you want him to be. And every time you look into his mirror you see yourself as a victim, unworthy of love, not good enough for anyone. And every time he looks into yours, you tell him -- whether you mean to or not -- that his treatment of you and your marriage is okay with you, that you are his to toy with, that you are not worthy of being a priority to him, that he can do anything to you and you will still listen to him, still worship him, still need his validation more than you need your own.
I was braver and stronger and more determined than I ever gave myself credit for, and in reflecting on that time in my life now, I can barely understand how things got so low. You can move past this. You have to decide to. You have to decide you want to feel better no matter what it means letting go of. Sending you strength and courage and patience. And hugs, always hugs.
My therapist told me that each person we allow in our lives is a mirror, reflecting back on us something about ourselves that is, for better or worse, dominant or important to us at any given time. If I chose to keep people in my life who loved and accepted me as-is, and only wanted the best for me, eventually that would help me love and accept myself, and want better for myself than I had accepted before. If, however, I chose to keep people in my life who reflected my insecurity and victimhood, whose inability to love themselves reinforced my own, I would likewise stay stuck in that place.
Letting go of toxic influences requires a leap of faith. It is so hard to let go of the familiar -- it's so hard that we make up stories about people we are afraid to lose, stories about who they REALLY are underneath all the abuse and cruelty, stories of who they might become if we leave them, stories about why they don't MEAN to do what they do, they just can't help it. Fairy tales. Movie stories. In other words, a lotta ********.
Butterfly, your AH is not the man you want him to be. And every time you look into his mirror you see yourself as a victim, unworthy of love, not good enough for anyone. And every time he looks into yours, you tell him -- whether you mean to or not -- that his treatment of you and your marriage is okay with you, that you are his to toy with, that you are not worthy of being a priority to him, that he can do anything to you and you will still listen to him, still worship him, still need his validation more than you need your own.
I was braver and stronger and more determined than I ever gave myself credit for, and in reflecting on that time in my life now, I can barely understand how things got so low. You can move past this. You have to decide to. You have to decide you want to feel better no matter what it means letting go of. Sending you strength and courage and patience. And hugs, always hugs.
Baby Steps
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Amy he has been playing the pity card since yesterday, he's been suspended from work, his daughter has abandoned him and he's lost the love of his life!! But hey ho his first thought after getting suspended is great I can have a drink now but drink doesn't control him!!
Dandylion I'm not doing anything this weekend except crawling into my bed with lots of hot drinks, coming down with the flu
Dandylion I'm not doing anything this weekend except crawling into my bed with lots of hot drinks, coming down with the flu
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Butterfly, A's are crazy people. You need to detach from all his mumbo jumbo. It really doesnt matter anyway. The only thing that matters is if he stop drinking and works a program.
That's it. He has to much to say. I do have to admit when I do my NC my life is better. I thin about him but there is no DRAMA. Life is less stressful dealing with all the crxp!!
Stay positive, do your thing and stay busy. Who cares what they are doing or saying. They are just plain DRUNKS!!
That's it. He has to much to say. I do have to admit when I do my NC my life is better. I thin about him but there is no DRAMA. Life is less stressful dealing with all the crxp!!
Stay positive, do your thing and stay busy. Who cares what they are doing or saying. They are just plain DRUNKS!!
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: My Happy Place
Posts: 700
I'm sorry you are not feeling well. Rest and get better.
I am glad you didn't respond. I mean what can you possibly say to that?
He is stuck in a land of make believe and until he wakes up.....
Can u block him from the phone and just have an email account for conversing about the kids?
Does he see them at all?
I am glad you didn't respond. I mean what can you possibly say to that?
He is stuck in a land of make believe and until he wakes up.....
Can u block him from the phone and just have an email account for conversing about the kids?
Does he see them at all?
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Maia I'm like you I feel so much better with NC but I allow myself to get sucked by in!!
Sungrl thank you there was nothing to say but laugh, his follow up message was he is in love with me but he's a drunken waster again I didn't reply.
He doesn't have Internet access so no email but it's grand he told me today he won't be contacting me again!!
My kids are older 16 & 20 he collects my son for school every morning (if he's going to work) and brings him home sometimes if my son is leaving school at the time he is leaving work. It's. 15 min car journey and he only continues to do it as he works near my sons school he doesn't go out of his way. My son would sometimes go over once a week for his dinner but is home early saying he has homework to do he has stayed over twice and on both occasions he has come home the next day in really bad form. He hasn't been to his flat in about 2 weeks, since he last stayed over.
My daughter hasn't seen him since the night before he went away on holiday about 4/5 weeks. She is very angry with him and feels that he chose drink over us. She asked me tonight would it help if she told him to get help or he would lose her. We talked about giving ultimatums if she didn't mean them and she admitted she would feel responsible if she walked away and something bad happened to him. I've told her not to say it and I've tried to explain addiction to her but she gets angry with me!!
In his self pitying moments he tells me how she's abandoned him and how selfish she is (AH hello she's selfish I think not). He doesn't see how angry and hurt she is about his choices or that she has a right or that he has abandoned them and he isn't willing to take any responsibility at all. He gets angry with her when she annoyed with him then he sends her messages about how much he loves her and misses her!!
Sungrl thank you there was nothing to say but laugh, his follow up message was he is in love with me but he's a drunken waster again I didn't reply.
He doesn't have Internet access so no email but it's grand he told me today he won't be contacting me again!!
My kids are older 16 & 20 he collects my son for school every morning (if he's going to work) and brings him home sometimes if my son is leaving school at the time he is leaving work. It's. 15 min car journey and he only continues to do it as he works near my sons school he doesn't go out of his way. My son would sometimes go over once a week for his dinner but is home early saying he has homework to do he has stayed over twice and on both occasions he has come home the next day in really bad form. He hasn't been to his flat in about 2 weeks, since he last stayed over.
My daughter hasn't seen him since the night before he went away on holiday about 4/5 weeks. She is very angry with him and feels that he chose drink over us. She asked me tonight would it help if she told him to get help or he would lose her. We talked about giving ultimatums if she didn't mean them and she admitted she would feel responsible if she walked away and something bad happened to him. I've told her not to say it and I've tried to explain addiction to her but she gets angry with me!!
In his self pitying moments he tells me how she's abandoned him and how selfish she is (AH hello she's selfish I think not). He doesn't see how angry and hurt she is about his choices or that she has a right or that he has abandoned them and he isn't willing to take any responsibility at all. He gets angry with her when she annoyed with him then he sends her messages about how much he loves her and misses her!!
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 94
Oh Butterfly, again hugs, you are going through a very tough time, another milestone in your journey through this pain. There has been some very wise advice on this forum from more experienced, resilient and sensitive people than me. But just for today, I'll break out of my usual sympathetic mode, and offer you some advice that really worked for me when I first started dropping in here. I browsed, I read posts, I researched websites, trawled articles, you name it... all in an attempt to find out how to recognise what I was dealing with and come to the best possible decision for me. My circumstances were different - I left my husband - but I followed all the advice and guidance I could find to the tee. Had my safety plan, executed it to the letter... except barring his number. I felt that was a step too far, too unfeeling, too ... I really don't know why I didn't bar him straight away. Three weeks on and threats of suicide, pleading, trashing my things ... I barred him finally. And it was the biggest relief not to have to hear that ping when the text drops into your inbox, and you reel before you even open it to read. Then you're left reeling and trying to make sense of the 'message' - is it code, is it for real, what's he trying to tell me...? When I barred him, I experienced a real sense of peace. He couldn't get inside my head (lol he already occupied my every waking minute!). Please, if you're not feeling well, just try barring his number to get some peace, even for a few days and see how it feels. Look after yourself xxxxx
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I'm both codependent and a recovering alcoholic. Codies have the same mental obsession for another person that alcoholics have for booze. Denial and rationalization are what keeps us active in our addiction. The "cure" for both addictions is NC one day at a time.
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