BarrysMama

Hello SR Family :-)

...curious what some of your experiences have been with inter-personal relationship changes after becoming sober..

Clearly, alcohol did our relationships zero favors, but wondering how sobriety can affect them as well.. I could see it going many different ways... thank you

Nuudawn

I ended a relationship when I sobered up...simply because I could not stay sober if I remained in it.

I actually fell into a new relationship at 2 months sober with what I thought was a "normie".

Ya..there are no "normie's" for me at this stage of the game.

There are other ways to not "be present". Barely sober...I showed up at the intimacy table way more than he did...and that's not saying a whole lot.

Just yesterday I was chatting with my sister about my feelings and thoughts on how sobriety relates to love and relationship and connection...
whereas "addiction" is all about unlove and disconnection...

There are other places to hide from love and connection than just in substances...

Anna

I think that you should expect change.

I had been married a long time, though my drinking lasted for about 3 years. So, part of my use of alcohol was to avoid dealing with relationship issues. At least, I could avoid seeing things clearly. When I stopped drinking I felt a lot of guilt and shame and so swung a bit too far in that direction and I tended to take the blame for everything that had happened. As time went on, I began to see things in a more balanced way and with the clarity that I needed. I would say that recovery has made things better and has enabled me deal with the issues instead of hiding from them.

JT0626

I'm going to be real honest here. As I continue my journey of sobriety & get myself back, I can totally see a change in my relationship with my husband in the near future. Although I love him, I got a feeling that if he doesn't sober up it will be the demise of our marriage. I think that's part of the reason why I have failed before & been afraid of being 100% sober. At this point, I am choosing not to be afraid of sobriety - it can only bring me good things my way.

It is what it is, but I know in my heart that I could not continue in the marriage if his drinking continues the way it is.

Hawks

It's been a rocky road for me.

It's still rocky at times, but occasionally it's sand.

And that's a nice change, cause it was all rocks for a good long while.

BarrysMama

These are very insightful posts... I want to thank you guys for being so candid- It's comforting to me

Rachinator

JT and I are in the same boat. I love my husband dearly, but when I sobered up I'm seeing the devastating effects long term drinking has caused. My relationship with my daughter has improved, I'm more involved and not drinking while doing activities with her. I guess if you are in a relationship with an alcoholic it gets worse, but with a non alcoholic it's awesome

MissPerfumado

I began drinking heavily some 15 years ago in an emotionally abusive relationship (I had tendencies anyway but it was a crucial reason the switch was flipped, in hindsight).

I got out after 8 years but I've been haunted by the ghost of that relationship ever since, which includes my boozing.

My last relationship was the result of my continuing lousy relationship choices. This last relationship has sucked the life out of me. It has been push-pull, back and forth for months. I basically felt addicted to him ...! No surprises there.

The day I found the strength to start my recovery from alcoholism was the same day I decided to walk away from the toxicity of the relationship. I have a feeling of peace in my heart that I haven't known for a long time.

anattaboy

My wife and I got sober within a week of each other and I did leave for a week after I quit because it was volatile with one still drinking. At 4 1/2 months we are pretty civil to each other and communicate better and more often. We used each other as a crutch to stay drunk and now we do the same for sobriety. We talked through my wanting a drink last week-end. In the past this has usually gone the other way-each giving the other permission to drink just this once or an all out mutual eff-it. Other than that the dynamic is still changing as we define our new lives. With 3 girls from 4 to 13 to raise we've plenty to keep us busy.

Latte

I ended a marriage. I don't know that it was going to really end but I finally took the emotional and legal steps. I had to. I couldn't live with the shame and regret that had been building up for 10 years. I own my part, and keep my side of the street clean. He puts on a good show. He has his own issues that don't involve substances but those aren't my problem.

I live with someone. I should have waited. Should have, could have etc. I am not the same person I was. Life is very different today.

Nonsensical

I woke up one Tuesday morning under the coffee table in the same clothes I had put on Saturday. There were some broken items nearby that I had knocked over on my way to the floor. I remembered having thrown my car keys into the garage after they had been demanded of me. (You want'em so damn bad, go get'em!) I remembered having said some very mean things.

Four days of sobriety later I could not believe what a terrible woman I had married. What a terrible wife!

I couldn't believe what a good wife she became after I was sober for 90 days. She had changed SO MUCH!

GracieLou

My mother – The relationship went south. I thought it would improve but the longer I was sober and the clearer my mind got the more I could see that we practically had no relationship and what we did have was extremely negative. She is a narcissist and I could not handle having her in my life anymore. I asked her to move out of my home and I have no talked to her or seen her. I have went no contact.

My Father – no contact before or after I got sober. There was no response to the amends I sent him and I didn’t expect one.

My children – This has improved! My daughter and I get closer and closer. She turns to me know when she needs advice or just a shoulder to cry on. I am so grateful today that I can be there for her. I don’t see my son as often but the last time I saw him things were better. We were able to sit and just enjoy each others company. They are both grown and living their own lives so I don’t see them as often I want.

Friend – The relationship has slipped off to almost nothing. He still drinks and the longer I was sober the less I could be around him. I can see the warped thinking so clearly. I still see him now and then as we live in the same park but we don’t talk much. He gives me kudos that I have stopped drinking but does not seem interested in stopping himself.

My pets – Improved! My cat snuggles and purrs all over me every night. My dog wants to lay with me on the couch. Everybody is sassy and happy.

Work – I feel these improved. I am not “friends” with anyone at work but there are a handful of people I am closer to and they are friends on FB. I am just easier to be around. I don’t complain very often any more and I just sit in my cube and do my work or scope out SR (shhh :P)

BF – I am currently in a relationship with another recovering alcoholic. He has relapsed several times which has put a strain on the relationship to say the least. I honestly don’t know where this relationship is right now. There are good days and bad days. I think I am letting some time pass and some strength to build up before I make a decision either way. My sponsor taught me I can make a decision but not act on it right away and I think that is what I am doing here. Giving me more time, giving him more time, letting the dust settle…not sure really. I am just not ready to make a final decision.

I drank almost all the people away in my life except my one friend and my children. Now I have a new life and new friends. All of the old ones drank and they drank alcoholically like I did. I was not friends with social drinkers and I am still not..LOL Funny how that worked out. All of my friends today are sober.

As long as I continue to live a genuine, honest and sincere life I think I will continue to have the relationships I have now and I see them all getting better as time goes on. I am so grateful for all of them and I hope I continue to make new ones.

There was a time I wanted nothing more than to be left alone. I wanted solitude and isolation.

Now I cherish the people in my life. Some of them I owe my sobriety to, some my sanity. This includes all of you on SR as well. While we may not know each other personally we support and give hope to each other. You are all included in my prayers and the people I am grateful for. SR is one big relationship!

desypete

i went nuts trying to find myself a relationship with someone in my first year or 2 sober, i was convinced the only thing wrong in my life is because i didnt have the love of a good women
it would be heaven to have someone to cuddle up to instead of the lonely existence i had back then
i used to be jealous of all the other aa memebers who had wives to go home to and i had none

of course it was all about me me me and what i needed but to me it felt normal until of course i tried a few relationships out
i fell in love as quick as i could get my trousers off
this was it the love of my life, everything is perfect now and sober living is just brilliant thank you god etc i would exclaim
until that is the person had to try to cope with me and my sulks if they didnt hug me on time when i wanted them it really was a hard part of my growing up and facing how needy a person i was in a relationship

today i am quite happy on my own i dont need a relationship to make me happy i have my kids and i am quite content
i had a girl firend a few years ago and she helped me a hell of lot as she was hard as nails to me she wouldnt let me get away with my sulks etc lol

i am good friends with her today but not in a relationship as things in her own personal life got to complicated plus i had a son who got ill and i had no time for anyone other than my son who sadly died from his illness

since then i wouldn't make anyone a good partner as i really am in so much pain in my own life and if i never have a relationship again it doesn't bother me anymore i would rather have my kids back anyday than a relationship
there hard work is what i found once you get past the trousers down side of things and you have to cope with each persons ways well then it really is hard

would you believe my ex girlfriend didnt find it funny that i would fart in bed for example ? : )
the cheeky women expected me to get out of bed and go to the toilet for that sort for thing lol

of course i stood my ground on that issue and demanded my rights to fart were ever i dam well choose

something i have been told i need to work on by the way : )

actualy to be honest she did just get used to me and my childish ways infact she loved my sillyness and i am glad me and her are still good friends