irshfn

I'm feeling lost right and don't know what to do. I guess I should give some background. I had been living with my alcoholic boyfriend for 5 years before he left in June. He said it was because we were fighting but I believe he left because he wanted to drink again. He had been sober for 1 1/2 years up until June. I didn't start going to Al-Anon until he left and realized that I was part of the problem. I'm working on my character defects with my sponser but as they say it doesn't happen overnight. I am having a really hard time figuring out if I'm doing the right thing. My ex has been saying since he left that he wants to work things out between us but as soon as we have to talk about our issues he gets mad and runs away. Then he comes back and the cycle starts all over. Trust of course is a big issue. The first year we were together I denied that he had a problem. The next 3 years was him drinking and using then we would recover financially, emotionally etc only to start the cycle again. I know I love him and we had plans on marrying. My sponser says talks like we should be over and I shouldn't have any contact with him. I can honestly say right now I am not ready to do that but she tells me I have too much contact with him. I am having a difficult time with the fact saying goodbye to him because I don't know if it's over. Right now I am focusing on myself and my recovery. He wants to come back home but he is still drinking/using and that won't happen. I really feel like I am losing my mind. When I talk to my sponser I feel like I am failing the program by talking to my ex believing that there is still hope for us. I really don't know what I am asking but any guidance would help.

Thanks, A

Gabe

Hey irshfn,
Whoa, back up. Nobody fails the program, okay. And hope is never, ever a bad thing. Your sponsor is there to suggest and assist, but not to run your life. You are the one who makes the decisions about how your relationship will progress. Take your time and live this one day at a time.
Welcome to Sober Recovery, I'm glad you found us.
Please join us on the Family and Friends and Naranon boards.
Gabe

Moontime

Im suggesting the same as your sponsor. AA is a recovery program, if we are not changing, then we are not recovering. We need to change everything that affects our spiritual growth. It's very easy for you to get caught up in his web of alcoholism. It's very easy for people to get us drinking/using before we get them sober/clean. We are addicts/alcoholics using/drinking is what we do best. I'm assuming your sponsor sees this.

phil

Hi Irshfn, First Glad to see you here. It truelly is a wonderful place.

I dont see anything wrong with what your doing right now. In your post you said you are continuing you program and your not with him while hes using. which is exactly what you should do. Your in a program to help you with yourself and understand the person in your life whom has an addiction problem. Why shouldnt you love him or care about him? Fact is, it seems your putting yourself first and thats what you should do. I dont believe someone has the right or judge for that matter whether you in your heart can love or otherwise. You do whats best for you! Help him and Love him if you can BUT! keep yourself straight and narrow. Its called support! If by chance you cant help him or whatever this road leads to next. Id suggest you cross that bridge when you get there. This disease offers no answers and no easy way out. And unfortunatly it doesnt care about how many victims it takes while it continues its destruction.

Magichappens

Hi Irshfn,
Welcome to SR. There is a lot of support here. These forums, along with Al-Anon and counseling have helped me to heal and become whole. The fear, insecurity, and anger that had built up for years is slowly being replaced by faith, self esteem, and self love. Keep working in Al-Anon. It takes time, but it is worth the effort. Like Gabe, I invite you to join us in the Families and Friends forum. The experience, strength and hope that we share there has helped me on my recovery journey. Hope to hear from you soon. Hugs, Magic