PippiLngstockng

Hi folks

I haven't been around much lately. Busy with work, family, friends and just wanting to move forward...

But xah is trying to drag the children and I back down the rabbit hole. My mind is increasingly free, but until the divorce is finalized and he gets less crazy, there's this bungee cord tied between he and I and I get constantly pulled back.

So he really is denying any possible wrongdoing with the children. The photo of his genitals on his phone? That was just a dumb accident and won't happen again. Didn't mean for DD14 to see it. ( In the meantime, she says she sees it every time she closes her eyes. She is binge eating horrible jars of Nutella that she hides in her room. A thin dancer, she's put on lots of weight. And he said to her that her 'tattling' on him cost him $3,000 in legal fees. So accordingly he wanted her to 'tattle' on me and tell him about my boyfriend. To which she refused)

The therapist and pediatrician wrote to the judge expressing concerns about xah and his behavior during visits with the children. Xah responded by meeting with them for the first time and likely convincing them that there is nothing wrong with him. No alcoholism, drug abuse, child abuse...Just me making a big deal about nothing...
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Then xah had his lawyer write the judge insisting the children speak to him.

They go tomorrow. They are not going to want to say much. Their Dad has been working on minimizing past events ans blaming me and them for making a big deal about nothing much.

At the same time, the children are all convinced he hasn't got a strong hold on reality and they worry that he will harm them or me.

Do any of you out there have any advice as to how to prepare the children to speak to the judge? They met with him once before and got the idea he didn't want to know about any problems. So they kept silent. Which means I can't do much to protect them from further trouble. So I would hate for the scenario to repeat itself.

My lawyer thinks we can ask for alcohol and drug testing before visits. And that xah be in regular therapy of some kind. The way it is now,xah gets 3 one-week unsupervised visits with the children here in Europe. He rents a chalet in the mountains and they do outdoor sports. If they refuse, they stay in their chalet rooms all day alone with their computers. Then he gets 1 week with the children in our family howuse in the US at xmas and 4 weeks during the summer. These visits are a real mixed bag for the children. They have fun at times but they have to be tough and dealing with their unstable father is difficult for everybody.

Thank you in advance for your thoughts!

lillamy

The only advice I would give them is to tell the truth, and don't be intimidated if the judge questions their veracity.. Just keep telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

redatlanta

Exactly what Lillamy said - plus not much else. The judge may ask if the children were prompted by you to say certain things. Best that the only thing the children say "my mom just told me to tell the truth".

Good luck Pippi - I hope this comes to an end soon.

PippiLngstockng

I know. I tell them to say the truth. It's the only way.

But if the judge doesn't directly ask if there have been problems, the children are not inclined to bring up anything. At least that is what happened last time. So the judge concluded there were no problems. Which frustrated my eldest no end. He felt let down by the judge. He was waiting for the judge to give him an opportunity to bring up issues, but felt he never got it and suddenly the interview was over.

desypete

let the judge see the kids and let the judge decide is the best thing to do, your sounding like you want the judge to do what you want the judge to do ? but his job is to judge things without you or your ex trying to make his or her mind up for them

the judge only interest should be what is best and fair for the kids and not what is best or fair for the parents who are at loggerheads with each other

kids suffer so much when parents can not sort things out between them in a fair way,

the kids love both parents and not just one even if one is worse than the other they still love them

i have been through it all when i had my war with my ex wife over our kids and the one thing that stuck in my mind was when they told me
its not about me or what i want its all about the kids
i didn't like that at all : ) but thankfully i did come to see it and understand just how much my kids love there mum the fact i no longer loved her made no difference on how the kids feel about her

hopeful4

Tell them to remain calm, tell the truth, and if there is something they want to tell the judge that does not get addressed to politely ask to address the judge with concerns they have.

Praying for all of you!

PippiLngstockng

My lawyer's interpretation of the judge's interests is that he doesn't want to deal with this case :-). That is what my oldest child concluded, too.

The judge recently tried to send our case on to another judge, who returned it to him. But now with this letter from the children's doctor and therapist, he knows matters will need to be addressed.

There is this idea that parents bother the legal system because they are angry with the other. I have very little remaining emotional feelings about my ex as a former partner. Not anger, not bitterness...just concern for the well-being of my children.

My eldest goes back and forth between feeling the visits are okay and being upset for the ways his father lets them down. I totally get it. When I went before the judge the first time because xah was violent with me, I felt sorry for him and lied to the whole courtroom, saying it had all been a misunderstanding.

Boy, do I see now how that was an opportunity to protect myself that I lost.

The children could say nothing today, as I did that time many years ago. What will be will be. But I protected xah and in doing so, was left to deal with worse abuse down the road.

I am stronger now. I hope my children will be able to find a way to be free of guilt feelings and shame and stand up for themselves some day.

hopeful4

Oh Pippi, I am sorry. I know it's so hard for children. It an entire different layer of feelings they have. It's a crying shame what has happened to the legal system. People have abused it to the point that the judge walks in feeling manipulated, in which case you and your children don't get the care you deserve.

Please never blame yourself. He is to blame for his own bad behavior, no getting around that.

Take good care of you and your littles.

XXX