caramella

Hi.
I am new here, and I don't really know where to start. I have a problem in my relationship and I am getting to the stage of deep depression - again.

Here's my story:

Six years ago (I was 16) I moved to a foreign country with my folks. I met the most wonderful guy I had ever met my entire life. I fell in love, and so did he. He was 13 years older, but it didn't seem to matter. We were the most happy couple around, seriously in love, really happy, always together and best friends. He was the kind of guy that everyone liked, he had hundreds of friends, all the girls were crazy about him. He was good looking, kind, caring, considerate, intelligent, talented in music (he sang and played piano, guitar etc.) My parents loved him. I loved him like crazy. He drank a lot, specially whiskey, but it never bothered me at first, because he was very kind and happy and I always felt very safe. Until one day, we were at a party and he changed completely. He started accusing me of touching his friend's you-know-what and yelled at me, called me all kinds of names and was furious. I had never done such a thing and I was very shocked of the way he was acting. I cried, I was scared and at the same time totally dependent on him to get home from the party. It developed and got really ugly. I was scared as hell. The next morning I woke up from him hugging and kissing me and saying he was sorry. I didn't know what to think, and since I had never known him like this I forgave him and thought it wouldn't happen again. But it did.

I went on like this for a year. He forbid me to talk to anyone, girls or guys at parties. I had to stand by his side and smile. If I didn't I was sure to be yelled at and called names when we got home. I couldn't drink anything, because then he would say "Shut up, you're drunk so you don't know what you are talking about" He never did anything to me in public, so no one knew what I was going through. He did all kinds of things to me except physical abuse and it truly was a nightmare. When he was sober he was the best. It was hard for me as he was my link to all the friends I had, and it was a foreign place where I didn't have much of a network apart from him. But after a year I figured I had to leave. It got too much. I told him I was going back to Norway for a holiday, but I never returned.

I had anxiety and depression problems the first two years after. I was very tense around people who were drinking, and I never drank myself. He terrorised me a lot on the phone and in emails in the beginning. It has now been 4 years since I returned, and I only hear from him occasionaly by email, but I never respond.

2 years ago, I met what I thought was the love of my life. He is also older, I didn't know I liked older men, and I don't really think I do. He's 38, I'm 22. When we first met, I told him my story. I explained why I sometimes get scared, why I have panic attacks and why my relationship to alcohol is not all good. He seemed to understand this so well, and he assured me that he only liked a glass of good wine with good food, and that he at all was not a heavy drinker. To me, that sounded perfect. We have been living together for a year and a half now. Already in the beginning of our relationship I noticed that he drank a lot and that he easily got tipsy and sometimes drunk. He would get soft tounge, his eyes changed and he would have a hard time making sense when talking. This made me feel very insecure and sometimes scared. I tried to confront him, but he got angry and it just became worse.

Sometimes he would show very similar signs as my ex, and get angry for no reason, keep me up for hours talking nonsense, run away at night, cry, get emotional etc. This made me very frustrated.

There has been a handful of REALLY bad episodes, but it is not often. I have made him aware of it and I told him that if he ever hurts me like that again he will have to go. He gets very defensive when we talk about the drinking. Sometimes he says he will try to get better, but he will never admit that he has a problem. He doesn't usually drink every day. But lately he has stayed at work (he is chef in a restaurant) after work and got drunk or tipsy EVERY night. He makes promises he can't keep, he doesn't call or answer the phone, and he doesn't seem to care about my feelings at all. It seems he will use any opportunity to drink, he comes home smelling of it every night, and he sometimes blames me for himself getting so drunk. He says it's because I pressurize and control him. I have asked him to give me an example on how I do that, but he fails to give that. I have tried being patient, but I can't help it! I dread every weekend and every event, because I know he will get *********! I worry all the time and I feel unhappy. I try to tell him this, but he just gets angry and says I have no reason to be unhappy. Where's the respect?

Is he an alcoholic although he doesn't drink EVERY day? How can I confront him without making him angry? What should I do? Why did this happen to me again? Can someone please help, it is getting out of control.

Sorry for such a long note.

Lorelai

Welcome to SR !
Alcoholics don't have to drink every day to be alcoholics. If someone's drinking is causing problems for you, it's a problem.

Keep reading and posting. There are many wise and caring people on this board.
L

Laura_298

I'm 22 also, and started in whirlwind relationships with older men and eventually women at 16 as well. It seems I share you affinity for people who can't function without a substance. Same as you, they seemed great in the beginning, then things would get out of control. I now realize that I was probably not the best judge of character because I was depressed and hated myself and didn't see that I was attracted to torturous relationships because they let me stay right where I wanted to be: in hell, suffering, but at least with somebody needing me. Drama made my world go around, and it was all I had. I centered my concerns around counting their drinks, worrying about their safety, praying they'd come home sober, watching their eyes to see if they were "off". I became like a detective, able to tell if they had been drinking within seconds of entering the house--In my head : "her speech is too loud, too excited, she just tripped a little and why did she just throw her bag over there? wierd. oh she smells like orange juice that's been out too long. she's wasted."
You know what I mean?
I was not happy. I don't know what happened first for me--I got on anti-depressants, I went to therpy, I looked up alcoholism on the internet and got here, I looked up Al-Anon meetings in the paper and went there, I got a mantra in my head, "No More." Eventually, the ideas and positivity from these sources wiggled there way through my messed up head and changes in my life became natural, exciting, and possible. With the help of Al-Anon saying stuff like, "Think about YOU. Detach from the drinker's drinking. What do you like to do, if you could do anything? You can. Now do it." I was able to leave. I focused on art, art-making, good music, my job which I'd been starting to screw up, looking at cute places to live, envisioning what I wanted to be doing. The B.S. of a raging alcoholic didn't fit it. I still love the girl I left, and see her once or twice a week when we work on photo shoots and watch a movie (we only do 'planned' stuff now), but her and her drinking, which continues, aren't ruining my life anymore. I made an effort to get out and find new friends and that made it easier too. It's never gonna be perfect, but perfect is not something I'm looking for anymore. I am just trying to live my life to make it emotionally safe for me. I feel like you and me share the fact that we both missed out on easy-going fun teen years (who really has those anyway??) and have been in a cycle of overly mature relationships when we are both should have been finding ourselves, and emotionally maturing and developing our goals, talents, and skills in the world. I dissolved all mine in chaos until I heard it enough that I don't have to. In fact, I am worth the extra effort that it takes to be happy. You are
worth it and your note makes me want to root for you! Good luck-try to go to Al-Anon, it works.
Hugs, L

Zoey

Caramella Welcome..
You didn't mention trying Al-Anon meetings?? Have you??
These posts really help, a place to tell it, is an extreme help.
Reading these posts lets us know we are not alone. HUGS Clancy46l