story74

So, the X swears he is clean. He has been trying to be a father (although he has no idea) to our son. He finally got back into town and it took him a month to see his son. In 2 years he saw his son for 1 hour. But, all the sudden he swears he is clean. In fact, he just got a great job. He just scheduled a supervised visit. He is being respectful to me on the phone. I am in a weird position. I want to be nice to him for my sons sake, and for my own well being. I don't want to fight. Ultimately, I would LOVE to co-parent and be friends. I don't want a custody battle. I currently have sole custody and he gets supervised visits. Here is the BUT. BUT, I don't trust him. BUT, he is living with the woman he cheated on me with and who knew he hadn't see his son in 2 years. She has 2 mugshots floating around and a 3 page police report. LOTS od DUIs. I can handle him, but she is vicious. She has not only a checkered past, but has interfered (calling, email, texts) when my husband and first broke up. She is also very controlling and is 13 years older than my X. SO, my mind is racing. I am imaging that eventually my X will want more. I don't want to go to court. Oh, and legally she is not allowed near my son. Her name is on the court papers. I am so scared that I will one day have to allow my son around this crazy woman. My mind is racing into the future with so many what ifs. Just typing this I feel better.

He makes me so nervous. He has cheated on me, destroyed my family and hurt my son. He has abandoned us. He comes back unapologetic ( not once has he even apologized...really apologized...for anything he has ever done. This is just the worst position to be in. I want what is best for my son. I want him to have a relationship with his father. I just don't want all this anxiety that comes with it. It is also really hard for me to believe all the sudden, without rehab, hanging out and living with the same people...he is sober.

I just want to be happy and live my life. My son is such a good boy, and he doesn't even get who he is. He doesn't even know him. I'm so tired being in mama bear mode. I just wish I had someone I could trust that could field all the calls, go to all supervised visits...yadda yadda. BUT, my son told me that it is so important to him that this complete loser and I are friends. It is such a weird situation because my X and I get hold really well. We always were great friends, so this isn't the problem. The problem is that I feel like I have to forgive him and be his friend for my sons sake. The one person I trusted more than anyone and the one person I thought would never hurt me totally screwed me in so many ways emotionally and financially and now I have to be a grown up and be there friend because a child is involved. I have spent the past 3 years hurting and healing and raising my son all alone. I never wanted my son to be a child of divorce...never. I was in it to win it. Damn drugs.

I'm just trying to figure out how to handle all of this without a life time supply of Xanax. How can I just stay in the present and not let my mind race into the what ifs? How can I enjoy what I have now. How can I not feel anxious everytime he calls. The past 2 years,when he has been disappeared, has been really nice. I just don't trust him. I don't want to deal with him. BUT, if he is healthy my son does need a father.

One thing for sure (and he knows) I am taking it super super slow. He has a lot to prove.

AnvilheadII

you do NOT have to be friends with him. you can be cordial and civil, that is all that is required. your son isn't calling the shots, your ex isn't calling the shots, YOU ARE.

you do as much as you can handle and nothing more. you keep the visits to a minimum, you keep your lives separate. you are legally divorced, yes? and you have a parenting plan in place?

Jaeger

I agree with Anvil. I am civil with my XH and we can now calmly discuss matters but friends..no. You have supervised visitation now and it takes a lot of time & money to change that. If he was in no hurry to see his son when he first came back, do you really think he will go through all that it will ll take? You sound like a great mother! Just keep doing what you are doing and he will most likely just go away.

story74

Yes, we are divorced. Yes, I have a parenting plan. THANK YOU for the kick in the butt reminder. It is so easy to get sucked in. I can have boundries, and will.

jjj111

Story, I'm sorry he is jerking you around again. I've followed your posts in recent months. Didn't he show up like this recently and then not follow through on visiting? I think you should go with your gut here. It sounds to me like he's full of it. Maybe he gets a kick out of getting you wound up? Are there ways to limit contact? Are you obligated to arrange visits when he hasn't shown you any convincing evidence that he's sober? If he doesn't have the get up and go to actually follow through on a visit, it seems unlikely he would have the follow-through to pursue his custody rights legally. How old is your son, btw? It seems like to some extent you ARE the mama bear and that your son might need to be protected from his unreliable behavior, even if he (your son) doesn't have the maturity to understand that yet. Anyway, good luck, you are clearly working very hard to figure out what the right thing is and then do it!