myfreedom

AH keeps insisting we go to counseling. That we will heal from it. He really has no clue. So I emailed this lady that someone recommended to him. She said she would require him to actively work on the addiction. She feels this discernment counseling would be best right now instead of marriage counseling. Anyone go thru this?

DMC

My (3rd) marriage counselor was also an addictions specialist. (we did it for 8 years, but she was the 1st addictions specialist) She saw right through him, and suggested that we meet both together and separately. She was amazing and helped me a lot - him, I really don't know, as I think we were pretty irretrievably broken by then.

I don't know if it will help you, but it ultimately helped me. (Not by "saving" the marriage - mostly it was nice to hear someone other than my mother say that I wasn't crazy.)

myfreedom

I honestly do not think anything will help our marriage at this point. But I think hearing someone tell me that will give me the peace I need to put closure on it.

lillamy

All I know is that "discernment counseling" is less about ironing out differences so the marriage can continue, and more about finding out if it even makes sense to continue. As I understand it, it's usually not a long-term process, but more like... if you forgive the metaphor, having a repair guy come to the house to see if it makes sense to even try fixing the washer or if you should just throw it out.

Good luck. I understand the need to know that you're done. It took me a long time.

dandylion

myfreedom....upon reading the criteria that is given for this type of counseling...it is not considered appropriate when there is abuse (or threats of abuse).

At this point....YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO DO...just to satisfy him. Frankly, since he does not want to completely stop drinking....it sounds, to me, as a maneuver that he hopes will keep you in the relationship and still continue to drink. It seems that he continues to blame you for his drinking and just does not get it that his alcoholism is a deal breaker out of the chute.
Even with total abstinance....early recovery (1-2yrs.) is often rocky. On top of that, repairing a badly damaged marriage requires a lot of work, in itself, by both parties, alike.
Even with all of that...there still are no gurantees of a happy and satisfying marriage at the end of the road.

In your case, where the children are loath to return to the home with him in it---I believe that the children's emotions while going down a rocky road (again), with no gurantee of a stable outcome, needs to be considered. They are the ones who stand to lose the most.

I am not trying to be a negative voice....just saying that there is a reason that most therapists will not work with a couple if there is active addiction (or abuse) going on.

I do realize that this relative new approach to counseling those who are in marriage crisis, and, on the verge of divorce--is not to repair the marriage--but to decide whether to go ahead with the divorce, remain the same, or to decide to try to repair it with usual, traditional counseling.

LOl!...having said this...it is my thought that IF YOU can see some benefit of attending for yourself....I don't see where it would hurt. In fact...it might help you to clarify your thoughts, and, possibly bring into focus, even more, what the real problems are for your husband to see. (he might be thinking he can "manipulate" you to his point of view...but, I think it might result in shining a bright light on his own denial).
This therapy is, apparently, only done by experienced marriage therapists who have had advanced training in this type of therapy. So, there might be a good chance that they would "see" right through him.

You might get support from the therapist in dealing with your husband, and, that could be a plus for you.

This is what I suggest: If it will do no harm, and you can see where it might help you---it seems reasonable (to me) to give it consideration, and, possibly a try.

myfreedom....I know that this has been a long and rambling dissertation, on my part.
I just wanted to share my thoughts, on the subject with you, as I have followed your thread.

For my self--when i divorced the father of my three children, years ago...I had gone to three counselors (drug him along). The first two didn't seem very good at cutting through his narcissism and didn't last more than three sessions---he refused to go any longer--blaming me for everything. The third one was better--but, my husband quit as soon as it was suggested that he might be contributing to the marital problems (he wasn't an alchololic--just narcissistic). I, continued for another year, alone--basically it was individual therapy for me, at that point. It was enormously supportive for me and I came to see very clearly that remaining in the marriage was damaging to me and my children, in the long run. I divorced him...and have never regretted that decision.
That is my personal experience.

Just thought that I would share my thoughts with you.

dandylion

hopeful4

I personally could not counsel with my XAH who I believe also has a personality disorder. It was not even feasible. However, it did help me see that it was not possible and validated my own feelings. I had specifically picked a counselor he had not seen nor had I ever seen so he could not say the counselor was partial to either one of us. It lasted 1.5 sessions LOL.

What I did was go to a psychiatrist myself who specializes in helping families with addiction. I went alone and it helped me TREMENDOUSLY.

Tight Hugs, it's so hard I know, but you deserve healing.

myfreedom

I def am not doing this for the marriage sake, but for my well being. Think it will help tremendously and hopefully make him see that his faults unfortunately out weigh mine. And also help me to see that I need to completely let go of this man for my children's sake. I know things will not go the way AH is expecting them to and may even refuse to go back or want to see someone else. Bottom line is he has so many other issues besides alcohol and too much damage has been done to us.

hopeful4

Oh I understand. The reason I could not go w/him is because he would not go back after 1.5 visits. He was unable to hear himself be blamed and since he could not wiggle out of it, just thought the whole thing was BS. Whatever.

Just work on you!

myfreedom

Ok so this lady seems to think we have a shot?????? After I poured my heart out of all the horrible things AH has done to me, and after he plainly said that he does not want to stop, he enjoys those couple to relax himself, that why should he change who he is, that i married him that way, our kids have been hurt by it........ He goes himself and tells of his childhood and now she says that we both need to get rid of the trash, because thats what we see and what we don't see is each other. He has fear of betrayal, not just by me, his whole life. That he has taken out alot of bottled up past anger on me. I just don't understand where the drinking comes into play?????? We are supposed to try dating??????

dandylion

myfreedom.....I wonder if this lady has had the special training that discernment counseling requires....BUT IS NOT REALLY GROUNDED IN ADDICTIONS. That could easily be the case...?

I'm curious..how many sessions is this supposed to last?

dandylion

SparkleKitty

myfreedom, you have the power to stop participating in this dance any time you want to. You don't owe him anything.

myfreedom

I went one time, he is now going alone. She classified him as a functioning alcoholic and he needs to learn control?????????

ladyscribbler

Well you could consider this counseling session your "first date" and not go out with him again.
Not all counsellors are created equal.
Or maybe he is the "trash" you need to be rid of.
I think you know what's best for you. I was a big one for seeking out validation where none was really necessary. Abusive relationships erode your self esteem to the point where you are constantly doubting yourself.
Hugs.

dandylion

myfreedom...I think that if she can use "alcoholic" and "control" in the same sentence...she doesn't really understand alcoholism.

Ladyscribbler is right that you really don't need her validation if you know how you feel.

dandylion

ladyscribbler

Yeah she is clueless. Sounds like she needs educate herself on alcoholism. Someone should tell her to check out the stickies at the top of the home page.

Argnotthisagain

Wow. Sounds like a real loser of a therapist. There are therapists out there who have no right to be counseling people.

Let him continue with her, she obviously validates his crap. You can find a different counselors for yourself, if you want.
I've had many therapists over the years, and found the best last year on the recommendations of several friends who worked with her and made big strides in their own growth.

NoelleR

Here's a link to some information about 'Discernment Counseling..........:

Minnesota Couples on the Brink Project

Hope this clears up some of the...................mud(sic)

(o:
NoelleR

CodeJob

To be fair, you did not hear the T say this. He might be paraphrasing or lying. Call her and inquire...