JT0626

Hi Everyone,

I am new on these boards. I had posted a quick intro in the newbie section & someone directed me to come to this board too. I haven't had a drink in a week. I started drinking heavy when I started dating my husband. His idea of fun was getting drunk & I (stupidly) went along with it. It started off with us drinking on the weekends when we saw each other. Then it progressed to drinking everyday when we started living together & that continued until I found out I was pregnant.

When I found out I was pregnant, I immediately stopped drinking. During my pregnancy I felt GREAT & was taking very good care of myself. I didn't miss the alcohol at all, never craved it. I didn't have another drink for over a year. I started drinking again with my husband & getting drunk every evening after our daughter went to bed.

With all the drinking came the weight gain & losing myself in my marriage. I realize I need to stop, so I only drank several times a week. Then I decided it's all or nothing, now a week without drinking.

My biggest challenge is that my husband still drinks on a daily basis. He is a certified functioning alcoholic. One thing I notice is that when he is drinking I feel a disconnect. I struggle with codependency (& have for years) so I took up drinking with him as a way to connect with him.

Now, I am on this recovery on my own. My husband says he will stop drinking one day, but that never happens. So far, I am not craving alcohol or going through any withdrawals (that I have noticed). I just hate looking over at my husband passed out on the couch when I would really love to have a nice conversation with him. It's a bit lonely at times.

Would love to hear from anyone here. Thanks for listening!

lillamy

"Functioning alcoholic" is a stage, not a kind of alcoholism. I was married to a "functioning alcoholic" who lost a six-figure job, a gorgeous home, his family, and his friends when the "functioning" stage was over.

Whether you're in recovery as an alcoholic or as a codependent, the same thing holds true: You are responsible for your recovery; he is responsible for his. There's not a thing you can do to make him stop drinking. Of course it sucks to be married to someone who's passed out drunk on the couch. Trust me, I know. But I also tried everything and then some to get my ex to quit drinking. It didn't work because it doesn't work.

I suggest you read some posts on here -- and consider what you want your child to see and learn. You're not just responsible for yourself; as the one adult in the house who has seen the light, you're also responsible for your child.

Also, the suggestion to alcoholics is usually to go to 90 AA meetings in 90 days. Focus on you, focus on your child, let your husband make his own choices.

maia1234

JT,
I agree with Amy, your recovery is just that, your recovery. Don't do it to try and get him sober. Do it for you because you feel better and have a little one that you need to be the best mom in the world to.

He is not going to get sober till he wants to. The same way if someone told you, you needed to get sober and you werent ready. Its ok, you need to just take care of you. Keep reading on SR and hit a aa meeting and maybe an alanon meeting also. There is great support in both groups. You don't need to share what you are learning, but you will learn all about stuff that you never knew. Maybe when you subtly start changing he will see a difffence in you and maybe he might want what you are having.

Please don't feel sorry for yourself getting sober. Be grateful of what you are doing and making a better life for you and your child.

Keep up the good work and stay sober, its worth it, the baby is worth it!!

Shellcrusher

Been there. It's a good thing to get away from so long as it's done for yourself. At first, I probably felt alot of frustration over the years thinking that I couldn't enjoy something that I enjoyed because my RAW would flip completely off the deep end.

Fact is, life is way better without the booze. I may have a nice Scotch with a buddy once or twice a year. Do I like it? Yeah. Do I miss it? Nope. Do I think about it anymore? No.

JT0626

Oh yes, I am fully aware my recovery is just mine & has nothing to do with him. I quit drinking because of all of the health implications it can have on you. Alcohol can be so unhealthy when you abuse it and I was abusing it. I want to be healthier for myself & also for my daughter.

I am currently focusing on me & getting myself in a healthier state of mind & body. I am fully aware that our daughter is watching & learning from us, this is why I chose to stop drinking all together. My daughter deserves a healthy parent.

Thanks for your feedback!

isitme

I did the same thing!! I felt I was doing it for the wrong reasons. I was doing it (drinking) because that was our time together as a couple. But I started to really dislike what that meant. That we'd get angry with each other easier, that we wasted hours and hours of possibly productive time just sitting and drinking, complaining or talking about all the things we were "going to do one day". I just got so tired of doing the same thing over and over. I didn't like that I was self medicating and just doing it because.. well, that's what we always did. I tried a couple of times to just cut back.. but it didn't really work. There was no consequences and it just didn't seem to make a difference if I had one more or not. So one day.. I just totally gave it up. I told him, "I can't do this anymore. If I don't ever really try, I'll never really know if the alcohol is what's making me feel so disconnected and discontent. These feelings of wasting my life drinking will never go away if I don't try."

So.. I just quit. It was actually much easier than I thought it would be. (Which I'm soooo grateful for!) He said all those same things your AH said.. "I'll quit one day, when I'm ready. But I don't see anything wrong with it. It's just a few. yadda yadda.." He kept on. But so did I. I wasn't drinking anymore, but I was still wasting time feeling like I needed to be there for him. That was our time together. But it got harder and harder to just sit there and watch him drink and listen to him ramble and complain. I just wanted to get up and make something happen instead.

I never asked him to quit or gave any ultimatums. But in a lot of ways, it started to disgust me to watch him. I felt so much better! So much more free and clear. I really wanted that for him too. I haven't had a drink in 120 days. (A lot of other things have happened since I quit, but regardless) I haven't felt this good in years!!

Do it for you, do it for your kids. I would be clear about what you envision your life to look like without drinking. For yourself and for him. so there are less chances of him feeling abandoned by you not being his drinking buddy any longer.

Good Luck!! Big Hugs!

JT0626

OMG, you get it! I was drinking for all the wrong reasons too. I never really liked drinking before & I could count on one hand how many drinks I had in my lifetime......that is before my AH came into the picture. Then I started drinking with him because we would get so silly & have fun. Then the fun wore off & we would fight really ugly when drinking. Drinking has not been fun for me now for a long time, so I decided to just quit. Not to mention, the drastic weight gain I have had in the past 6 years due to drinking.

First & foremost, I am doing this for ME. I have lost myself & now need to regain myself back. I want to be the same me I was before I got married & I am working on that now.

Thanks for sharing with me!