Timeiskey

What do they say? Its always darkest before the dawn? I sure hope so. I don't know if I have ever felt this alone or this rejected. I don't mean to wallow on here, but this is bona fide depression and its really a hard time. I am about to choose to move to a much less safe neighborhood simply because the market here is so hot and I can't find a place where I want to live and I have to move.

Now, even the friends that I made when I moved here have stopped being so friendly. I tried to be upbeat around them, but any little hint about being sad or concern about finding a place has been met with comments like, "I don't know why you can't just get a little strength around you and ignore him." So no more invitations to parties or lunches. Everyone is out together doing things and I am uninvited and unwanted. My friends and family are in different states and its hard to meet new people unless I want to be somewhere where people are drinking.

There are a few people in the neighborhood that I can drop by and talk to when they are outside but other than that- I am alone all the time. The few "friends" I have are heavy drinkers...this city is full of them and I don't want to be around it anymore. And I miss my ex. I know that it takes time and space. I know that I am better off...at least, in my mind I know this, but with all of this time on my hands and my neighbors to the left and him to my right always out and about doing whatever the hell it is that they are doing, well it just makes me feel even lower knowing that no one wants to be around me. It doesn't feel like this will ever end.

I have been going to a therapist, but since I don't have a lot of money, it is with a graduate student who doesn't have the skill set yet to really help. My only other option is to come out of pocket and I don't have the money. I can't get out of this sadness. I wish I hadn't moved here. I wish I hadn't met my ex. I wish I had made better choices. I am working on my Codi issues and have stopped reaching out to people who obviously don't want to be bothered. I just keep thinking about this time last year, when there were friends and someone to love. I could sit outside on my patio and people would just converge. It was such a happy time. Now, they pass by quickly and don't look my way. If I had handled the break up better- if I had worked through my issues earlier, I just keep thinking that at least there would be some happiness in the midst of all this pain.

I don't expect that anyone here will be able to help. But its the only place left that I can say these things. I am at the end of my lonely rope and there doesn't seem to be anywhere to go from here. Don't worry, I am not going to do anything reckless or foolish, I am just so alone right now. I met a few ladies that seemed awesome, but really, they are just bar flies who want to drink until the sun comes up. I am so sick of all of this.

Timeiskey

One more thing, I don't seem to have the strength or gumption to "get out there" on my own. When I first moved here, I was so full of joy and strength and hopefulness. I was fearless and in a new city that held such promise. Now my beloved city, where I left a good paying job and friends to come to, seems lackluster and somewhat dark even on the most beautiful of fall days. I came to write and take a chance on myself. I came with my pockets full of money and such possibility. After a year with an A, I made choices that have left me broke and alone. I have good paying work that if I can get done will bring me at least some financial security for awhile, but its hard to even work well now. Pray that I find a decent place to move to soon. Pray that I find some people who are not always in the bottle.

dandylion

Timeiskey....it is so true that when one is depressed...the whole world feels grey. All things seem negative. A lot (not all) of that has to do with the chemicals in our brain.

There is a difference between the bad feeling of depression and the bad feeling of grief.
Grief is composed of intense feeling (of lonliging and sad aching)...while depression is more like the absence of sharp feelings...feeling flat and dead.

I get the feeling that you are more o n the grief side (it is possible to have a mixture).

I have this suggestion: Take an action....(action changes your thoughts...which changes your feelings...which changes the chemicals in your brain....). Take the action of volunteering to those who are less fortunate than you. go to the homeless shelter and work. Take food to shut-ins. Work in the local food pantry.
This will put you face to face with others who have a different vibe than those currently around you. They will view you from your positive side rather than this current tragedy (which they don't know about). Positive energy attracts positive energy.

Do not believe that everything is a dead end and that you cannot be helped. That is not fact--that is just negative projections which you have drummed up (we all do that, at times).

Timeiskey...take heart....and take ACTION. It helps..I promise!

dandylion

Hawkeye13

I'm sorry you feel so alone.
I started out as a poet hanging with poets and that, like hanging with musicians,
is an alcohol-soaked venue pretty much everywhere. Part of the territory, as it were.

I found I had to stop interacting in that community entirely to get away from alcohol and heavy drinkers / alcoholics which made my world seem lonely and "sterile" for awhile.
Then I realized that my world was as rich as I was willing to see and make it, and though I am early in the process,
a recent trip "back in time" to a party with my old friends has really shown me that their world is an illusion maintained by drink and not looking honestly at what they are becoming.

Rally your spirits and accept the illusion you joined was just that, and cleave to the work you came to New Orleans to do, and have faith it will carry you. You will come through this stronger and with a clearer view in the end.

I can relate to your story as a fellow academic and dreamer. Truth is Beauty and all that.

It still is all you need to know. . .

Florence

To me, it sounds like clinical depression quacking at you, not the actual state of things. Counseling is important. Make counseling with a qualified expert a financial priority. I know it works because it's what got me from there to here, but you have to dig in and make it #1.

Also, it sounds like you need new playgrounds and playmates. I did some volunteering and professional development stuff to meet people who had shared interests that wasn't all about being in a bar drinking to get drunk. It took time, but I expanded my circles indefinitely.

It's time to rally!

marie1960

I heard someone say, "life doesn't begin until you are feeling uncomfortable."

I truly am sorry for how you are currently feeling. I wholeheartedly, can empathize.

I agree with Florence, exposing yourself to new elements/experiences is certainly a healthy step for you to take.

Yes, it may feel awkward/uncomfortable at first, but I was pleasantly surprised to be embraced by the new people I met when I joined a worthy service organization. We already had the "common bond" we shared the same focus, so the foundation for new relationships to be formed is not as difficult as I made it out to be .( in my mind)

I can appreciate not wanting to be around the bar flies/ party girls and boys. That for me is a dead end street filled with lots of unnecessary drama, and more drama.

I can only suggest, Be brave, and step outside your comfort zone, and get ready to embrace the new experiences that are awaiting you.

A wise member here, said to me, " sometimes we hang on to the pain, because it's all we have left."

Push, pull, drag, crawl, but do something good for yourself, begin with something simple, you and you alone are the only one who can help YOU.

I/We will be right here rooting for you, it will get better, I promise, you will not always feel like you currently do.

meggem

(((((Timeiskey)))) I'm rooting for you too...

Timeiskey

Thank you all for your support today. I feel a little better just by coming on here and seeing how many people care. I am looking into a volunteer opportunity right now You are all right, I have to take a step forward to get past all this pain, sadness and loneliness. Sometimes, it just gets hard to see through this fog.

Florence

It really does get hard sometimes. You are not alone in that.

I have to pay attention to the HALT (am I Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired?) and make sure I'm eating well, sleeping well, and exercising daily. If I'm not doing those things, I have to make conscious adjustments to fill those gaps. If I'm doing all this and it isn't working, or I'm struggling to do it, time for counseling. If I'm being extra hard on myself, I imagine giving myself a little hug and letting myself off the hook. Make some fish sticks and ketchup for dinner and watch crappy TV, go to bed early. I give myself a day "off" from worrying and "working on myself" all the time.

Be nice to you! Grant yourself the same forgiveness and leeway you'd offer to a friend, and take some steps to honor and love yourself and your priorities.

Timeiskey

That is beautiful Florence. Thank you.

Shellcrusher

That all alone feeling is terrible.
Seems like I've been a ball of negativity for a long long time and people simply don't like being around people like me. Since I've started working hard on my recovery, people tend to spend a bit more time talking to me. Why? Maybe I'm reaching a more sane level. A level where my outward energy isn't all messed up and prickly.

I've also found some sort of camaraderie by attending Alanon meetings regularly. It's not like I'm buddies with the other people but I'm not alone when I'm there. That helps me maintain a more serene state of living which seems to attract more people and the feelings of loneliness are lessened.

I've found that the answer to these problems is soo simple and yet I had to make it more complex because I was/am nutts.