I hate that I'm still stuck.

Old 11-03-2014, 07:45 PM
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I hate that I'm still stuck.

I really hate that I am still stuck. I am still hurting. I am still crying. I am still feeling the loss of him in my life. I am still trying to figure out what the f**k happened and why I couldn't stop it. I am still trying to wrap my head around how he could tell me how much he loves me and wants to share his life with me - and show me in so many ways... and then end the relationship by yelling "F**k you!", hanging up the phone and never once looking back. I don't understand how he can tell me that he'll arrange to have my things returned to me, then after two and a half months of no contact later, when I send an email simply acknowledging that we still have things to exchange, he replies with cursing and threats and copies in his parents and mine (mind you, we are in our early 40's) and then I get a "cease & desist" letter in the mail from an attorney.

How can this be the same man I loved?! Why does he hate me so much?! Why do I feel like I never mattered? How can he just delete me from his life like I never existed? Why am I still wondering if he cares, if he misses me, if he thinks about me? Why am I still wondering if maybe I made a mistake - maybe he's not an A?? Why do I still feel guilty that I couldn't find a way to deal with and accept his nightly drinking?? Maybe if I showed more compassion? Maybe if I tried to be more understanding and less controlling? Was I being controlling, or was it him blaming me? Will he ever realize what he gave up for drinking?

Why the f**k are my feelings and emotions STILL all over the place? I can get angry at the drinking him, but I cry over and miss the sober him so very much. Up, down, Up down... over and over. I'm emotionally exhausted.

Is this what dating an alcoholic does to your thinking?! W.T.F.

I want to be OVER this!
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Old 11-03-2014, 08:39 PM
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I know how you feel. I have wondered all things you have written about. Active alcoholics are cold and harsh and will never take responsibility. I have had the same obsessive thoughts of how I could just be dismissed like I am nothing and we share a daughter. It hurts like hell and is gut wrenching to be treated as if you never loved each other at all.

I come from a complete place of love in saying this, you have to stop focusing on him and the reasons why because it just does not matter. I had to ask myself why I was obsessing over this one man who treated me horribly. Why did I want him to miss me? You have to do the internal work. It is so challenging I know! We have to take responsibility as well and why we are sick enough to allow ourselves to be treated in such a manner. It took me years to get to where I am today but even today I struggle with those thoughts here and there.

You are an articulate human being..I have read your posts. You deserve to be treated with the utmost respect and have a loving relationship. You have to ask yourself why you think so little of yourself that you are wondering about him anymore. I ask myself the same thing when I start having obsessive thoughts.

Us codies are like the As where we dont want to do the work at times and just want to know the quick answers. I promise you...when you tackle the tough things, you will come out stronger and smarter in the end.

Keep posting. PM me if you need to. We are all here and will support you!
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Old 11-04-2014, 01:42 AM
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Yep yep and yep.. I still feel ur pain and the EXA has moved on with many women whilst im left in a state of confusion probably for the rest of my life ..the emotions get harder and deeper but some other things will get easier
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Old 11-05-2014, 09:08 AM
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I went through this experience with my mother and sister...and it took 13 years...it was very hard and took all I had plus all the therapy, recovery, and everything else I could muster. Only recently did my therapist tell me (a new old one) that it was perfectly fine...it was, after all, my mother. She is an active alcoholic and is very narcissistic. I am glad I no longer feel the cravings around wanting her back in my life...I only 'woke up' to the fact that I came from two alcoholic parents when my 2nd daughter was doing crystal meth and I had her and even more me in every recovery based activity possible for me at the time. I am grateful for waking up...I am grateful for the work...I am grateful, in the midst of a great deal right now for God leading me through. Thank you for reminding me that I do believe in recovery...just because I am having to reach deeper now around my recovery doesn't mean I haven't done it faithfully...just digging in and gripping.
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Old 11-05-2014, 09:50 AM
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I imagine if you sit down and wrote out the story, the whole story, of this relationship you would SEE that he really wasn't as awesome as you now have him bulit up in your head. and that for every "I Love You" he said there was at least if not twice as many putdowns, arguments, silent treatments, rage and other outbursts. while perhaps he never layed a hand on you (or maybe he did and you minimized it as "not that bad") you were in a Cycle of Abuse....and you became his Intermittent Chicken.

Lots of Tension Building, Blowups and then Make Ups/Honeymoon Period. You fear his rage but you know that is how you will also get the romance, the sweetness, the promises. so you become willing to accept the abuse to get your "payout" - the little crumbs you have come to consider Love.

When you know deep down this is NOT love. Love does not hurt, not like this. Love doesn't come at a price. Love doesn't demand we sacrifice our self respect or doubt our own truths.

Do exactly what the enforceable legal order says - Cease and Desist. quit asking Why, How. Stick with the facts. This is exactly what has happened and your job is to stay in today and move forward, leaving him behind, but taking the lessons forward with you as you go.
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Old 11-05-2014, 11:38 AM
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Because he is still manipulating.

I am so sorry. XXX
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