Kboys

AH started drinking again this afternoon. He made it exactly one month. He just called me at work. It's his day off today. The kids are with my mom, spending the night with her. The first night they have been away in a long time, and I was looking forward to a night alone with AH without them. So he called me to tell me he was "feeling anxious" and wanted me to come home so he "wouldn't drink" I told him I could tell he was drinking already, and that I wanted him to leave. He admitted it, told me he was sorry, he's making dinner and wants to have a nice night too. I told him to leave again, but I know he's going to be there when I get home. I don't know what to do. Just thankful the kids aren't home tonight.

spiderqueen

Ugh, I'm so sorry Kboys, how disappointing. I remember all the times my XABF and I would finally have a night alone, my kids would be with their bio dad, and when I got to BFs house, he'd already be half gone. Those were lonely days.

Maybe take yourself out to a movie, or call a girlfriend and meet for tea?

FireSprite

((((HUGS))))) I'm sorry, how disappointing. What is your boundary for this type of situation? What do YOU want to do?

Kboys

I told him if he moved back in, I would take NO more, not even once. I've put up with way too much already. Will I follow through with that? I don't know. I knew this was coming sooner or later, and part of me has been hoping for it, for another "reason" to make him leave again.... But I guess a little part of me was starting to get a little bit of hope back... This sucks. I don't want to go home.

FireSprite

Then don't. Walk around Walmart, get some coffee at Starbucks. Go see a movie, get a pedicure, call a friend, stay with a sister....... think about what you really want, and think about how best to enforce whatever boundary YOU are comfortable with. ((((HUGS))))

gippy1968

Maybe go hang with your mom and kiddos?

alove2nv

This is how i felt last night......dont go home. Go to your moms or something. ((Big hugs))

guava

Crap. I'm sorry. I know you were realistic about things but after more than a few weeks I totally understand hope creeping back in. I wouldn't go spend the evening with him either...just do something for you and take some time to think about what you want. (((hugs)))

FireSprite

How are you this morning Kboys? (((HUGS)))

Kboys

Thank you for your responses everyone. I went to the grocery store, and the drug store, before going home, and took my time... Then I went home. AH was there waiting with dinner made. He said he had bought a bottle of vodka, drank half, and dumped out the rest because he felt guilty and sick to his stomach. I didn't believe that at first, but as the night went on I could tell he was starting to sober up. He was pleasant, and remorseful... seemed a little pathetic actually. I wanted to have a nice night without the kids. I didn't want to be angry and I didn't want to fight with him. So it was okay, I guess. But this is how it starts for him... He has just "a little" and keeps himself under control, and I don't get too upset, and I don't follow through with making him leave... so he has some more the next night, and by the end of the week it's back to the way it was. We talked about it a little bit this morning. He apologized, said it's not going to happen again... Yeah. I guess I'll just see what happens in the next few days.
His truck has been in impound for over thirty days now, since his last arrest, so it can be released. His mother is putting it on her credit card... I wasn't going to do it... over $1,800. So it will be much easier for him to get vodka now, although he still has no driver license and says he is not going to be driving. We live in a small town and all the Highway Patrol and Sheriff's Deputies know his truck and know he's not supposed to be driving.
Anyway... I don't know, just going to see how it goes for now.
I appreciate the responses.

dandylion

Kboys.....you can predict how it is going to go, already. You are still in your area of comfort to a great degree. You get enough of your emotional needs met by his presence to keep going as it is. this is your decision and of, course, that is o.k. if that is what you decide and that is what you want, right now.

He---knows that you do not mean the boundaries that you have set...because you didn't enforce them as you said you would. He knows just what to say or do to keep you where he wants/needs for you to be. He is not ready/able to choose between you and the drink....so, he is trying to ride the fence in a way that keeps you both.
He knows that your words are hollow when push really comes down to shove.f

Kboys, I don't think you are ready for separation mentally and emotionally...just yet.
This happens with a lot of people.

I would suggest that....in the meantime...that you work a program of your own. One that helps you to get stronger within your own self and develop your own self confidence. So, that, if you do separate you will be strong and well armed for your journey.

I don't remember if you go to alanon or have a counselor of your own....but, if you don't this would be an enormous help for your own support system.

dandylion

meggem

Part of one of your posts from early October:

"As I wrote last time, I know it was the wrong decision for me to let him come home, and I have regret over it, but I’m trying to use this time to work on myself and get stronger until the day he does drink again, so that I can make him leave again and stick to it this time. I started reading Codependent No More, and hopefully going to my first Al-Anon Thursday night."

biminiblue

Well, he's not serious. If you let him stay, he'll know you aren't either.

So sorry it has gone this way, K.

Kboys

Thank you...
You are right Dandylion, I am not yet ready emotionally to separate from him, although there are times I feel like I am, and I want to be ready... I have gone to two Al-Anon meetings. Only one is offered per week in my town. I felt good there and hope to continue.
I hate that I doubt myself, and stretch my boundaries, but today I feel like, well, at least he was honest with me. He didn't try to lie about it, and nothing "bad" happened last night, so I guess I can let it slide this time. So why would he take me seriously, when I keep doing this? I drive myself crazy

alove2nv

Kboys, you and I sound like we are in the same boat. I think about this day and night. Drive myself crazy. I pray either he gets the strength to stop for good, or I get the strength to leave him for good. One way or another, but something has to give! ((Hugs))

hopeful4

Not wanting to go home was a big sign for me. That is not healthy. You have a choice what to do about it. Is it possible for you to go to your mom's house and stay too? It might help you to have some distance today.

XXX

AnvilheadII

I hate that I doubt myself, and stretch my boundaries, but today I feel like, well, at least he was honest with me. He didn't try to lie about it, and nothing "bad" happened last night, so I guess I can let it slide this time.

which is exactly what he was hoping you would do....

the boundary WAS you drink, you leave. it was not, well if you start to drink, but ONLY drink HALF the bottle, and then pour the rest out and nothig BAD happens, i guess that's ok and doesn't really count. somehow while being without a vehicle, unable to drive, he still managed to do what? go buy you flowers? go visit his ailing aunt in the hospital? go to a meeting? nope, nope and nope.

he bought booze. and drank it. and now because he said he's sorry and he did cook dinner, he bought you off. even when you KNOW exactly how this will go.

he drank.
you enabled.
and on it goes.
until one of you wakes up and stops.

LoveMeNow

I remember when I used to think "at least he told the truth or didn't try to lie about it." Looking back, I realize how low my standards had become. Not now, being honest is a given. My gosh, even my 4 year old niece knows how to tell the truth.

P.S. An addict/alcoholic "truths" are always enmeshed in many more lies.

cgfox

I feel for you KBoys. My bf started too. For a while... I just learned it today. Actually he did say something about "wanting to talk" yesterday (and I stupidly thought he was going to break up, but it just might be his way of doing things: waiting for me to decide).
I don't have any advice. I just understand when you say you hate that I doubt myself, and stretch my boundaries, but today I feel like, well, at least he was honest with me. He didn't try to lie about it, and nothing "bad" happened last night, so I guess I can let it slide this time. because I did the exact same thing. And I might be doing it now by not giving in to my urge of asking him questions about when it happens etc. . By letting it go I am still enabling him. I don't know how to end that vicious circle. If I react, I make it about me. If I don't, I enable him.

Kboys

Thanks cgfox. I feel your frustrations.
"By letting it go I am still enabling him. I don't know how to end that vicious circle. If I react, I make it about me. If I don't, I enable him. "
I don't know either... I just know that they are going to do what they are going to do, regardless of what we say. It is hard for me to not react, and to just let it go. But the times that I am able to, I am usually glad that I did.

"he drank.
you enabled.
and on it goes.
until one of you wakes up and stops."

I know, thank you Anvilhead. I just can't seem to get past the "knowing" and move on to the part where I "wake up and stop." But I do think I'm headed there...