Separated AH wants a divorce....heartbroken
Baby Steps
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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Separated AH wants a divorce....heartbroken
Spoke with AH today re finances and he told me he didn't want contact as its for the best but didn't want a divorce but how he didn't know if it was for the best for me to stay married. He then reiterated that he can't be with me because he drinks and how he doesn't want to give up drink or is too scared to try and fail he said he wants better for me than a struggling drinker who puts himself first that he has been selfish by leaving home and not telling me he wouldn't be coming home but how he did think he would come home someday and I had asked him not to lie, how it isn't fair to give me hope when he has none and how I should move on
I told him I was trying and that the night he told me he didn't want to be with me anymore I removed my wedding rings and I'm going to counselling. He got angry at that point saying right now I know you've taken yours off I'm taking mine off. After he had calmed down he told me our future is not going to be together, "I'm a drinker and your not" how "our futures can't be the same anymore if I'm not willing to stop drinking and it'll be lonely so yes I must be having a ball". I had previously said to him what his friends are telling people that he's having. Ball being on his own.
He then told me he wanted a divorce how it will cost a fortune but he will find a way through somehow, how he can't say the words I want to hear but he knows divorce is what needs to happen.
He has just sent a text saying I'm not in love with you, I don't want to be with you and I want a divorce. I should've said it sooner I'm truly sorry!! He said he realised last week when he was very drunk for 3 days because if he was in love with me he wouldn't be doing this!!
I am devastated I feel that my heart has been ripped out of my chest, after 8 months of mixed messages and telling me he is in love with me and all the rest he's finally had the guts to tell me the truth but do you know what he did it over text messages, he walked out telling me over the phone and now he says all this via text. I've been holding on hoping against hope that he would chose sobriety I've been so stupid hoping for the best trying to look at his actions but really listening to his words and wanting to believe them so much!!!
At least now I know where I stand
I told him I was trying and that the night he told me he didn't want to be with me anymore I removed my wedding rings and I'm going to counselling. He got angry at that point saying right now I know you've taken yours off I'm taking mine off. After he had calmed down he told me our future is not going to be together, "I'm a drinker and your not" how "our futures can't be the same anymore if I'm not willing to stop drinking and it'll be lonely so yes I must be having a ball". I had previously said to him what his friends are telling people that he's having. Ball being on his own.
He then told me he wanted a divorce how it will cost a fortune but he will find a way through somehow, how he can't say the words I want to hear but he knows divorce is what needs to happen.
He has just sent a text saying I'm not in love with you, I don't want to be with you and I want a divorce. I should've said it sooner I'm truly sorry!! He said he realised last week when he was very drunk for 3 days because if he was in love with me he wouldn't be doing this!!
I am devastated I feel that my heart has been ripped out of my chest, after 8 months of mixed messages and telling me he is in love with me and all the rest he's finally had the guts to tell me the truth but do you know what he did it over text messages, he walked out telling me over the phone and now he says all this via text. I've been holding on hoping against hope that he would chose sobriety I've been so stupid hoping for the best trying to look at his actions but really listening to his words and wanting to believe them so much!!!
At least now I know where I stand
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
Isn't there a small part of you that feels relieved?
I remember a few lives ago, I was engaged to a guy that broke off our engagement, I had a big engagement party, picture in the paper, huge ring, the WHOLE. NINE.
Then he wanted me/didn't want me/might want me/could want me/never wanted me again/on-off-maybe- maybe not/ for several months.
All the while he was seeing someone else. I KNEW it. There were signs but I chose not to see them. I felt tortured during the mixed signal time period. But my instincts were screaming. I felt sick to my stomach and I really believe a part of it was knowing this was going on and pretending it wasn't.
One night, my instincts took over and I walked in his house, in his bedroom and caught him. Them. RED HANDED. I mean RED. Fire engine red.
Sure I was devestated (and I was) but I was relieved as well. Relieved to finally know the truth. I could finally move on. I knew at that second, I was way above this. He was a piece of crap and nothing he said was going to change my mind. That was my ultimate deal breaker.
Some months later, when I had gotten a hold of my emotional self and had some perspective, I looked back at that time period during the he wants me/he wants me not phase and I cried alot about it. For myself. Out of shame and embarrassment for how I carried on and allowed myself to be made a fool of that way. For not valuing myself more and for thinking this guy was like.. I don't know perfect. For not setting boundaries and telling me I was not going to participate in this maybe/maybe not game. That I was too good for that. Not only did I participate in the game, I broke a sweat doing it. UGH.
How could I have lowered myself to what I did. All that begging and pleading and waiting, while pretending I wasn't waiting. Staring at the phone praying he would call. Not being able to talk about anything else with my girlfriends. Being so proud because I didn't call him for a few days.
I was pathetic. I really was and when I looked back I hated myself for being so spineless so needy and clingy and just about desperate for him to take me back. UGH. Even with my A I never went that low again. Not that low. I never will again.
Forget the alcohol. What if he was with another woman. Would you still put yourself through this? Don't you have a deal breaker? How far are you going to take this? I'm not being smart and I don't mean to be insensitive, my heart hurts for you.
I mean honestly, how great can this guy actually be? Really. He's not worth this. And in my opinion, NOBODY is. Not one person.
I remember a few lives ago, I was engaged to a guy that broke off our engagement, I had a big engagement party, picture in the paper, huge ring, the WHOLE. NINE.
Then he wanted me/didn't want me/might want me/could want me/never wanted me again/on-off-maybe- maybe not/ for several months.
All the while he was seeing someone else. I KNEW it. There were signs but I chose not to see them. I felt tortured during the mixed signal time period. But my instincts were screaming. I felt sick to my stomach and I really believe a part of it was knowing this was going on and pretending it wasn't.
One night, my instincts took over and I walked in his house, in his bedroom and caught him. Them. RED HANDED. I mean RED. Fire engine red.
Sure I was devestated (and I was) but I was relieved as well. Relieved to finally know the truth. I could finally move on. I knew at that second, I was way above this. He was a piece of crap and nothing he said was going to change my mind. That was my ultimate deal breaker.
Some months later, when I had gotten a hold of my emotional self and had some perspective, I looked back at that time period during the he wants me/he wants me not phase and I cried alot about it. For myself. Out of shame and embarrassment for how I carried on and allowed myself to be made a fool of that way. For not valuing myself more and for thinking this guy was like.. I don't know perfect. For not setting boundaries and telling me I was not going to participate in this maybe/maybe not game. That I was too good for that. Not only did I participate in the game, I broke a sweat doing it. UGH.
How could I have lowered myself to what I did. All that begging and pleading and waiting, while pretending I wasn't waiting. Staring at the phone praying he would call. Not being able to talk about anything else with my girlfriends. Being so proud because I didn't call him for a few days.
I was pathetic. I really was and when I looked back I hated myself for being so spineless so needy and clingy and just about desperate for him to take me back. UGH. Even with my A I never went that low again. Not that low. I never will again.
Forget the alcohol. What if he was with another woman. Would you still put yourself through this? Don't you have a deal breaker? How far are you going to take this? I'm not being smart and I don't mean to be insensitive, my heart hurts for you.
I mean honestly, how great can this guy actually be? Really. He's not worth this. And in my opinion, NOBODY is. Not one person.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: My Happy Place
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He has been playing with your emotions for quite some time now Butterfly.
Once again please don't use his words as a smoke screen for his actions.
Hold you head high and look forward to your future.
It's just not meant to be and even if he became sober tomorrow, would you want him?
There has to come a point when you say enough is enough. I hope for your well being you can finally say this is it. I am sorry you are hurting.
Once again please don't use his words as a smoke screen for his actions.
Hold you head high and look forward to your future.
It's just not meant to be and even if he became sober tomorrow, would you want him?
There has to come a point when you say enough is enough. I hope for your well being you can finally say this is it. I am sorry you are hurting.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,908
(((HUGS))) I know it hurts. Even if you know he isn't good for you, it still hurts when they say things like that. It will take time, but at some point you will realize that this is one of those strangely wrapped gifts. You can't see it now, but you will.
Go ahead and give yourself time to be sad, because divorce is sad, even when it's for the best. Also, read your signature line. The fact that you posted those words says something.
Go ahead and give yourself time to be sad, because divorce is sad, even when it's for the best. Also, read your signature line. The fact that you posted those words says something.
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Join Date: May 2012
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(((((hugs))))) Butterfly, I'm sorry you are hurting today.
I do want to point out that his messages haven't been so mixed - he's been very, very clear from the get-go that he intends to continue drinking & does not want to continue being married/living together while that is going on. He has moved out so that he can protect his drinking & hasn't shown a single sign of wanting a sober life, in any way. He may still truly love you but his addiction comes first & has for quite some time now.
I even wonder if he expected you to be intolerant of this behavior for this long & anticipated you being the one to call it quits before now? Either way, I'm sorry it's come to this but I hope you will see this as an opportunity to move forward on your own. (((HUGS)))
I do want to point out that his messages haven't been so mixed - he's been very, very clear from the get-go that he intends to continue drinking & does not want to continue being married/living together while that is going on. He has moved out so that he can protect his drinking & hasn't shown a single sign of wanting a sober life, in any way. He may still truly love you but his addiction comes first & has for quite some time now.
I even wonder if he expected you to be intolerant of this behavior for this long & anticipated you being the one to call it quits before now? Either way, I'm sorry it's come to this but I hope you will see this as an opportunity to move forward on your own. (((HUGS)))
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Butterfly,
I know it hurts. I know he loves you. I know you love him. It just stinks!!
Alcoholism just strips you and them of everything. I got my divorce last wednesday, after so, so many years. I am selling my house and buying something for myself. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. But really, I was running everything before the divorce anyway, so not much has changed.
I have been alone for a very long time. Now I am making my own decision with out worring what he would say. He moves Saturday, me Sunday. Last night when the garage door opened I got chills as I always do when he comes home. Hoping he won't come in and talk to me wasted. I know this is awful, as I am in the midst of it. But I know for 34 years that he was never going to get sober with me enabling him, so all i was doing was punishing him and me. Maybe God will bring us back to gether at some time in our lives, but not now.
Two nights before the divorce, at midnight he came in my room and asked if he could sleep with me (just sleep). I said yes, we talked and cried for hours. He did say that he was sorry for all his drinking. Powerful night of saying good bye to each other. Then the next day he sent me an email asking if this was the right decision. I said yes because he loved his addictions more then me. He responded with a sad face and said "love you forever".
Not sure what will happen, but I know that my life was going no where and all i was doing was prolonging the inevitable. He was never going to make me happy with all his addictions, he knew that, Kids knew that and I knew that. It just took me a long time to get READY to do what I had to do.
Take your time, prepare yourself and when you are ready to accept life on lifes terms you will. I am sorry for your pain, I do understand and I hope one day that we all find serenity in our lives.
I know it hurts. I know he loves you. I know you love him. It just stinks!!
Alcoholism just strips you and them of everything. I got my divorce last wednesday, after so, so many years. I am selling my house and buying something for myself. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. But really, I was running everything before the divorce anyway, so not much has changed.
I have been alone for a very long time. Now I am making my own decision with out worring what he would say. He moves Saturday, me Sunday. Last night when the garage door opened I got chills as I always do when he comes home. Hoping he won't come in and talk to me wasted. I know this is awful, as I am in the midst of it. But I know for 34 years that he was never going to get sober with me enabling him, so all i was doing was punishing him and me. Maybe God will bring us back to gether at some time in our lives, but not now.
Two nights before the divorce, at midnight he came in my room and asked if he could sleep with me (just sleep). I said yes, we talked and cried for hours. He did say that he was sorry for all his drinking. Powerful night of saying good bye to each other. Then the next day he sent me an email asking if this was the right decision. I said yes because he loved his addictions more then me. He responded with a sad face and said "love you forever".
Not sure what will happen, but I know that my life was going no where and all i was doing was prolonging the inevitable. He was never going to make me happy with all his addictions, he knew that, Kids knew that and I knew that. It just took me a long time to get READY to do what I had to do.
Take your time, prepare yourself and when you are ready to accept life on lifes terms you will. I am sorry for your pain, I do understand and I hope one day that we all find serenity in our lives.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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It gets better, I promise
I've been through almost exactly what you just described. We were divorced after 20 years of marriage. Take it one day at a time, one minute at a time, if that's what it takes to get through this. It does get better but you have to work on you. One day, you'll suddenly realize that you're going to be just fine and that the pain is bearable. And the best part is that you'll begin to live again and when your brain and your heart simultaneously recognize and embrace that together, the absolute joy you'll feel will be indescribable.
Go to Al-anon if you aren't already, read the CAL as well as some of the other books SR members have suggested on other threads and keep coming back to this board. I think SR helped me more than any other resource I had. I still have a long way to go, but looking back, I can honestly say I'm grateful for what happened to our marriage because I can feel and live again. I could barely breathe most of the time when we were together. My XAH is still drinking and I can see much more clearly now that it would have just kept killing me emotionally and spiritually. He pushed the divorce so he could keep drinking and because of his decision to do that, I am much better off in so many ways. I fought so hard to keep our marriage together and I was only prolonging the inevitable. I am exactly where I should be right now and you are too.
There are many voices of wisdom on this board who kept me sane and believe me, I felt insane as well as totally devastated. Keep coming back and I know they'll do the same for you.
Go to Al-anon if you aren't already, read the CAL as well as some of the other books SR members have suggested on other threads and keep coming back to this board. I think SR helped me more than any other resource I had. I still have a long way to go, but looking back, I can honestly say I'm grateful for what happened to our marriage because I can feel and live again. I could barely breathe most of the time when we were together. My XAH is still drinking and I can see much more clearly now that it would have just kept killing me emotionally and spiritually. He pushed the divorce so he could keep drinking and because of his decision to do that, I am much better off in so many ways. I fought so hard to keep our marriage together and I was only prolonging the inevitable. I am exactly where I should be right now and you are too.
There are many voices of wisdom on this board who kept me sane and believe me, I felt insane as well as totally devastated. Keep coming back and I know they'll do the same for you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
So sorry for the hurt you are feeling.
You are right, you now know where you stand.
Although it hurts the only thing you can really do is take a deep breath & begin working through the process.
It won't be easy & yes it may hurt but at the end of it all you will come out with a healthier happier life.
Hugs.
You are right, you now know where you stand.
Although it hurts the only thing you can really do is take a deep breath & begin working through the process.
It won't be easy & yes it may hurt but at the end of it all you will come out with a healthier happier life.
Hugs.
Baby Steps
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
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Thank you everyone. Firesprite I know he has been clear about wanting to drink but there's been the comments of days where he is wanting to quit, wanting to be at home with me, being in love with me and wanting his future with me, but yes these comments have been mixed with I can't come home if I can't stop drinking
I thought I would be relieved but I'm not part of me deep down hoped that he would come to his senses seek sobriety and come home I kept thinking he's in love with me and wants to be with me he will work this out. I have been trying to move on but tonight I realised I have been hanging onto hope, pretending that everything's ok when I'm with other people but when I'm at home I withdraw I can't face seeing other people I don't have the energy to pretend. I've been pretending for so long, it's only when I come here or at counselling can I pour my heart out. I realised today I haven't wanted to move on without him and I have been waiting for him to make the decision then I will know that if I move on there is no hope for us. Again just like in our marriage I've been waiting for him to make the decisions.
Maia he has told me he doesn't love me and he doesn't want to see me says it kills him to see the hurt he's caused.
I thought I would be relieved but I'm not part of me deep down hoped that he would come to his senses seek sobriety and come home I kept thinking he's in love with me and wants to be with me he will work this out. I have been trying to move on but tonight I realised I have been hanging onto hope, pretending that everything's ok when I'm with other people but when I'm at home I withdraw I can't face seeing other people I don't have the energy to pretend. I've been pretending for so long, it's only when I come here or at counselling can I pour my heart out. I realised today I haven't wanted to move on without him and I have been waiting for him to make the decision then I will know that if I move on there is no hope for us. Again just like in our marriage I've been waiting for him to make the decisions.
Maia he has told me he doesn't love me and he doesn't want to see me says it kills him to see the hurt he's caused.
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I know it hurts now, but I hope that some day in the future you will be able to look back at your post and see how he is pulling you this way and that - he loves you, doesn't want a divorce, doesn't want you to see him drinking because it hurts you, wont stop drinking even though it hurts you, wants a divorce because you *gasp* took your rings off after he said he didn't want to be with you - he is all over the place and you're trying to keep up. No wonder you're feeling the way you do, anyone would under these circumstances.
Take care :-)
Take care :-)
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
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I'm not trying to be negative Butterfly, I just hate to see you holding onto the hurt while he's not committing to any kind of change.
I know it sounds ridiculous to say that this isn't personal - after all, you have decades together with this man, have raised children together & all that.... but it isn't about you at all Butterfly, even though I KNOW it feels that way, at least a little bit. This is ALL about him. ((((HUGS))))
I know it sounds ridiculous to say that this isn't personal - after all, you have decades together with this man, have raised children together & all that.... but it isn't about you at all Butterfly, even though I KNOW it feels that way, at least a little bit. This is ALL about him. ((((HUGS))))
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
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Originally Posted by FireSprite 
I'm not trying to be negative Butterfly, I just hate to see you holding onto the hurt while he's not committing to any kind of change.
I know it sounds ridiculous to say that this isn't personal - after all, you have decades together with this man, have raised children together & all that.... but it isn't about you at all Butterfly, even though I KNOW it feels that way, at least a little bit. This is ALL about him. ((((HUGS))))
I know it sounds ridiculous to say that this isn't personal - after all, you have decades together with this man, have raised children together & all that.... but it isn't about you at all Butterfly, even though I KNOW it feels that way, at least a little bit. This is ALL about him. ((((HUGS))))
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Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 399
Something fishy is going on.. My ex did the same thing said there was no one else so I believed him, bla bla.. we had this mushy I love you ending and then bam a few months on I found out there was more than one woman in his life.. He was excellent at hiding it.. I hope that's not your case but sounds so similar
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Why is the sky blue? Why is the grass green? Why do cows moo?
I don't know why. Nobody does. Why does your husband tell you he loves you the. Tell you he doesn't? Dunno. Drunk babble would be my guess. What he really feels and thinks I don't even think he knows. It doesn't sound to me like he has any rational basis for what he says or does except for one thing....he is going to drink and that is all there is too it. I think that is the only feeling or desire this man has the ability to accurately discuss.
I know it's hard but.....you have to stop trying to figure it out. If Freud were resurrected today he would be unable to decipher what your husband really feels.
This is just alcoholism. That is all. I bet if you sat with him and discussed the past year and the things he has said and done he may remember 10%.
I don't know why. Nobody does. Why does your husband tell you he loves you the. Tell you he doesn't? Dunno. Drunk babble would be my guess. What he really feels and thinks I don't even think he knows. It doesn't sound to me like he has any rational basis for what he says or does except for one thing....he is going to drink and that is all there is too it. I think that is the only feeling or desire this man has the ability to accurately discuss.
I know it's hard but.....you have to stop trying to figure it out. If Freud were resurrected today he would be unable to decipher what your husband really feels.
This is just alcoholism. That is all. I bet if you sat with him and discussed the past year and the things he has said and done he may remember 10%.
Baby Steps
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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thank you redatlanta, I think I am in shock a bit I never thought he would say those things or say he emans it. your right the only thing he knows for sure is that he wants to drink and as he said he doesnt want to stop or is afraid to fail either way he will continue to drink until he hits rock bottom, I just hope its soon but i dont think it will be. Whether he meant what he said or not I have to accept it as truth and accept that he doesnt want to stop drinking!!
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