The Color of my Addiction
A simple guy making his way
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Maine
Posts: 7,867
The Color of my Addiction
If you were asked to assign a color code to your addictions, then shade in the days of a calendar over a years time, would you do it?
Would you want to see a visual depiction of how you use?
Patterns popping off the page representing failures and successes?
I did just that. January 2011 I was desperate to end my addictions. I wanted to see my progress of sobriety. I wanted to see how far I had come. Well... That desire ended up being an interesting exercise that lasted two years. I would not give up.
The deepest of hope at the start of each day.
The deepest of despair come the next morning as I colored in the day before.
The brash cockiness of a sober drunk as I colored in the days efforts before it was done... only to add color over color through my tears the next morning while cursing myself.
Small notations scribbled in the box representing the days intensity... Dollars spent... Capturing the momentary thought that needed remembering.
Each day I woke and stared at my patterns. I reaffirmed my commitments. I declared my wins. I did this everyday thinking that soon... I would need but one color.
Green was for sober.
Yellow for drinking.
Red for crack... I never did drugs without drinking.
Below is my drinking and drug use mapped in the color coded days of 2011.
I was surprised when I came across the calendar this morning. I snapped a pic of the months and patched them together.
It's kind of pretty... Even artistic when I look at it all miniaturized like this.
What it can't possibly show is the depth of my despair... as I strung yellows and reds together. As the red Sunday's turned into sick day Monday's because I was in such horrible shape.
I have only one color I use these days... Green.
And for that I am so very grateful!
Would you want to see a visual depiction of how you use?
Patterns popping off the page representing failures and successes?
I did just that. January 2011 I was desperate to end my addictions. I wanted to see my progress of sobriety. I wanted to see how far I had come. Well... That desire ended up being an interesting exercise that lasted two years. I would not give up.
The deepest of hope at the start of each day.
The deepest of despair come the next morning as I colored in the day before.
The brash cockiness of a sober drunk as I colored in the days efforts before it was done... only to add color over color through my tears the next morning while cursing myself.
Small notations scribbled in the box representing the days intensity... Dollars spent... Capturing the momentary thought that needed remembering.
Each day I woke and stared at my patterns. I reaffirmed my commitments. I declared my wins. I did this everyday thinking that soon... I would need but one color.
Green was for sober.
Yellow for drinking.
Red for crack... I never did drugs without drinking.
Below is my drinking and drug use mapped in the color coded days of 2011.
I was surprised when I came across the calendar this morning. I snapped a pic of the months and patched them together.
It's kind of pretty... Even artistic when I look at it all miniaturized like this.
What it can't possibly show is the depth of my despair... as I strung yellows and reds together. As the red Sunday's turned into sick day Monday's because I was in such horrible shape.
I have only one color I use these days... Green.
And for that I am so very grateful!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
I like this, Weasel! Your days of drinking/using and your sober days kinda tend to cluster... I think this pattern is typical for those of us who were bingers. I did not do this during the last year of my drinking, but I think it would have looked similar, except that my drug was only alcohol during that time and I probably almost never had more than 3 sober days in a stretch. Some years before, it would have looked more uniform, most days "yellow"... My drinking pattern during the last year was definitely more erratic, showing probably that I really struggled with trying to muster up some sobriety but kept failing.
I did something similar in the first ~3 months of sobriety, to monitor my cravings and try to understand my triggers. It helped me lots because looking at the pattern as a whole, I saw many things that I did not realize on a daily basis. Visualizing thought patterns and emotions tend to help me in many areas, I do exercises like that with my therapist as well.
Great job on your sobriety and thanks for sharing this
I did something similar in the first ~3 months of sobriety, to monitor my cravings and try to understand my triggers. It helped me lots because looking at the pattern as a whole, I saw many things that I did not realize on a daily basis. Visualizing thought patterns and emotions tend to help me in many areas, I do exercises like that with my therapist as well.
Great job on your sobriety and thanks for sharing this
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
Green is your true color!
A simple guy making his way
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Maine
Posts: 7,867
Yeah I guess we all had times like this. We start and stop so many times. Odd to look back on it and feel this way today. I cringe and feel so far removed from that way of thinking.
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