Codependency

Old 11-02-2014, 09:17 AM
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Codependency

While working my program and realizing just how codependent I am I began to wonder how I got here. I had a great childhood. No alcoholism or abuse. We went to church as a family. We had fantastic vacations. My dad was a teacher and my mom was a nurse. I had what I consider a fairy tale upbringing. In the literature I have read there are several references to what happened when we were young, etc...I cannot think of any one thing growing up that led to me being so codependent. I honestly think that everyone is a codie to some degree. The more I read, the more I am convinced that codependence is rampant among so many people. I am working on my codie self very hard but there is that little voice in me that wants to blurt out to other's, "you are codependent and need help! Let me suggest the book Codependent No More to you!"

Thanks for letting me share!!
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Old 11-02-2014, 09:24 AM
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Ha. Well, your mother and father are both in the helping professions. I think people who choose those types of jobs have increased sensitivity for the suffering of others - and sometimes the codependency actually began several generations earlier.

They would have naturally modeled "caring" behavior at home and it isn't a bad thing - only when we don't know how to implement healthy boundaries.

Keep digging
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Old 11-02-2014, 09:27 AM
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Thanks bimini...that helps a lot...
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Old 11-02-2014, 09:27 AM
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My therapist is really into nailing down why I do what I do and why I am the way I am. While I understand the importance in doing that sometimes I come to the conclusion that there is no reason, that's just the way I am!!
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Old 11-02-2014, 09:44 AM
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Bamawife....I hear what you are saying....and, I have heard others on this forum express the same feeling ("but I had a great childhood!").

For one thing....I think it is easy to be oblivious to the more subtle and less visible dynamics within our family that might be dysfunctional.
For the second thing....I think every single family can have certain areas of dysfunction.. but, not in others......and, yet, be functional in the overall. There sure aren't any "perfect" families, anywhere!

Another area that I don't think gets as much consideration as is due....there are many more areas of influence in a young person's life than JUST their own family sphere. Family only makes up one area of a person's total environment. Peers can be equally important....as well a neighborhood and community influences. (I could go on and on...LOL).

The best definition that I have heard for co-dependency is this: Co-dependency is not so much the relationship with another as it is a LACK OF RELATIONSHIP WITH ONE'S SELF....FOR WHATEVER REASON.

I just thought I would share these thoughts with you....

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Old 11-02-2014, 09:44 AM
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I will add a little more information to this. I am a funeral director/embalmer and so is my RAH. Perhaps my codependency stems from my job??!! Working around death and grief on a daily basis is not for everyone.
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Old 11-02-2014, 09:51 AM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Bamawife....I hear what you are saying....and, I have others on this forum express the same feeling (but I had a great childhood!).

For one thing....I think it is easy to be oblivious to the more subtle and less visible dynamics within our family that might be dysfunctional.
For the second thing....I think every single family can have certain areas of dysfunction.. but, not in others......and, yet, be functional in the overall. There sure aren't any "perfect" families, anywhere!

Another area that I don't think gets as much consideration as is due....there are many more areas of influence in a young person's life than JUST their own family sphere. Family only makes up one area of a person's total environment. Peers can be equally important....as well a neighborhood and community influences. (I could go on and on...LOL).

The best definition that I have heard for co-dependency is this: Co-dependency is not so much the relationship with another as it is a LACK OF RELATIONSHIP WITH ONE'S SELF....FOR WHATEVER REASON.

I just thought I would share these thoughts with you....

dandylion
That helps a bunch!!! There is a great deal of dysfunction in my family now that is due to one of my brother's. He is ALWAYS the victim regardless of the circumstance. I have detached myself from him. My mother is very codependent these days and although I love her dearly and will do what I can for her, I am having to detach from her in a few ways. She has started preaching about making peace with my brother, nothing is his fault because it's all his ex-wife's fault....blah, blah, blah. I simply state my opinion and change the subject. I tell her daily that I am only worried about my side of the street. Maybe my mom has always been codependent to some degree and I never noticed it??
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Old 11-02-2014, 09:57 AM
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bamawife....LOL!! as kids, we accept everything that happens in our own family as the normal. A little kid has no other frame of reference.

I remembering someone asking a celebrity from a very wealthy family what it felt like to be so rich....they answered: It just feels normal to me because I have never been any other way!

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Old 11-02-2014, 10:02 AM
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Dandylion,

You have me thinking about neighborhood, friends, etc...growing up. My best friend of 38 years grew up in a single mom household. Her mother was a rampant alcoholic. My parents helped raise my friend. Her mother worked shift work and my friend would always stay at our house overnight. Her childhood was awful.

Maybe that is also a part of where I began my codependency?!
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Old 11-02-2014, 10:24 AM
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bamawife....It think that something to keep in mind when discussing co-dependency is that when we engage in those behaviors before we attend to ourselves enough..or, continue even after they are harmful or neglectful)to ourselves in some way. In other words...when our own welfare does not come first.

To me..it sounds like your mother was kind and loving toward your friend. Adults should reach out and care for the young.

It is a lot about boundaries.

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Old 11-04-2014, 06:03 AM
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In my family, the worst thing you could do (after lying) was to be selfish or self-centered. I was frequently told "the world doesn't revolve around you!"

I was raised to be a codie!!

And it was taken to a ridiculous level. I will share the "Last Cookie" rule from my family. So there is one cookie (or piece of cake, pie, candy, pizza, whatever.) And you'd like to eat it. To just eat it was selfish and inconsiderate. You had to ask other family members if they wanted it. If no one said they wanted it (and most likely they wouldn't, because then THEY would be considered selfish), then you could eat it. But you asking in the first place was ALSO considered selfish (damned if you do, damned if you don't!) So no one ever dared ask. And the cookie goes stale and needs to be thrown out. Which then leads to the wasting of food rant.....ugh!

If you were to ask me, I had a pretty good childhood. But now I'm taking a closer look and discovering layers of dysfunction that have really shaped my codie-ness.
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Old 11-04-2014, 07:53 AM
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Speaking as someone who was raised to be fanatically independent (the take home lesson of my childhood was "If you don't take care of yourself, no one will" ) I actually concluded the opposite: codependence must be learned, because you never see small children confuse their best interests with someone else's. Basic human nature is to look to your own needs first. The problem comes in when children are rewarded for being caretakers, or taught that self care equals selfishness, as posters have mentioned.

As an adult, now I look around and try to keep in mind that no matter what people are like, no matter what their maddening behavior patterns are, there's a reason for it.
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Old 11-04-2014, 08:15 AM
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There's another aspect to this, I think -- and that is that when you've had a picture-perfect childhood, where the people around you aren't dysfunctional, and you're loved, and you're cared for, and you learn that it's polite and nice to not insist on having your way... two things happen:

1) You are conditioned to caring for other people -- because that's how you were raised in a good way. You take care of grandma when she gets old because that's love. You run to the store for your neighbor when he's broken a leg. You let your neighbor's kids hang out with you for an hour between school and their mom gets home from work. Etc. It's normal, neighborly love that is the glue of a functional society. It's good stuff. Until you meet someone who takes advantage of it. Which leads me to

2) When you have little or no experience of dysfunction, you think that dysfunction happens to other people -- the poor, the mentally ill, the different people. And so when you're faced with it you don't recognize it.

That's sort of what I've dug down to in my life. My parents are raging codependents, both of them, but in the context I grew up in, it worked. Nobody took advantage of them; we were just people helping people out -- family, friends, neighbors. Even my aunt and uncle who were both alcoholics didn't take advantage of my parents. But when I grew up, I felt like helping people and being there and putting my own needs last was normal.

And I didn't recognize dysfunction when I saw it. And when I recognized it, I felt like Spiderman -- "with great power comes great responsibility" -- like I was somehow obligated to pour myself out to help the dysfunctional person because I had been so blessed.
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Old 11-04-2014, 08:29 AM
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I'm with lillamy for the 2468th time

That's exactly it.

Then! Once you have figured this out, it seems everyone wants to take advantage - so that's a whole other little nut to crack. How do these people find me? How do I sidestep them early-on?

The first time a man hit me - I truly thought it was my fault, because I had never heard of domestic violence. I needed to do better, be kinder.

I had to buy a one bedroom condo so I would stop taking in strays. People. Not dogs. "Helping" becomes a curse without healthy reciprocation.
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