Slip vs. Relapse
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Northern California
Posts: 563
Slip vs. Relapse
Hello all -
It seems common for alcoholics (myself included) to have some "slips" on their path towards sobriety. I'm curious if others differentiate a slip from a relapse if their A drinks again - do you consider a slip the same as a relapse? Or does the term "relapse" mean something different to you?
NCG
It seems common for alcoholics (myself included) to have some "slips" on their path towards sobriety. I'm curious if others differentiate a slip from a relapse if their A drinks again - do you consider a slip the same as a relapse? Or does the term "relapse" mean something different to you?
NCG
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Well, actually, a slip IS a form of relapse. It doesn't have to signal a long-term return to drinking, though. If the person picks him/herself up after a day or two and goes back to recovery with renewed determination and commitment, I suppose that is what *I* would consider a "slip."
No drinking is ever good for a recovering alcoholic. Relapse is NOT a requirement. I never picked up a drink after I had my last planned one at the end of my home detox. That was six years ago.
Even a "slip" means something is lacking in recovery--it might be simply underestimating the amount of work that is involved, or going to "slippery" places before you are on solid ground. If something is learned from it, then it need not be viewed as a failure.
I think it's important that slips not be treated lightly. They aren't inevitable, but they can point up where something is missing.
No drinking is ever good for a recovering alcoholic. Relapse is NOT a requirement. I never picked up a drink after I had my last planned one at the end of my home detox. That was six years ago.
Even a "slip" means something is lacking in recovery--it might be simply underestimating the amount of work that is involved, or going to "slippery" places before you are on solid ground. If something is learned from it, then it need not be viewed as a failure.
I think it's important that slips not be treated lightly. They aren't inevitable, but they can point up where something is missing.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 82
Today, I see a definite separation between a "slip" and relapse. It has only been in the last couple of months that my experience of 8 or so years ago has finally been able to come into the light and join the 'mystery solved' category.
I have some errands to run so will come back later to share my experience. However, for now, I'll share a couple of posts that led me to my new understanding.
Note: Bold is in the original; however, I did not bold the already capped parts (as in the original).
The Missing Piece: The Spiritual Malady
by Mike L., West Orange, NJ
"Carry THIS Message" Group, West Orange, NJ
From "The Doctor's Opinion" to the end of "More About Alcoholism" the Big Book discusses the first part of Step 1, which states, "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol". We've discussed, studied, and internalized material from the "Doctor's Opinion" to page 23 to see how we're powerless over alcohol bodily. We've used pages 23 - 43 to help us experience how we've been powerless mentally. Now I'd like to talk about a part of our "disease" which is seldom discussed in meetings nowadays: the "spiritual malady."
We often hear people say something like, "I have a three-fold disease: body, mind, and spirit."
When you ask them to describe what they mean by that statement, they seem to have a firm grasp on the fact that we alcoholics suffer from "an allergy of the body and an obsession of the mind" - that once I put any alcohol in my system whatsoever it sets off a craving for more alcohol. And when I'm stone-cold sober, at my very best, the thought will occur to me to take a drink - or sometimes I think very little about it or not at all, and I come-to out of a blackout after having experienced what page 42 refers to as a "strange mental blank spot." And of course this vicious cycle of my mind continuously taking me back to a drink and my body dooming me to not drink like "normal" people puts me in a senseless series of sprees and it makes it virtually impossible to stop.
It is agreed that the "mental obsession" is the part of our "disease" which leads to the first drink; and it's the first drink that triggers the "phenomenon of craving." But, what about the part of my "disease" that triggers the mental obsession in the first place? Why is it that people who have remained abstinent from drinking in Alcoholics Anonymous for 1 year... 2 years... 5 years... 10 years... and in some cases even 20 years or more, go back to drinking?
We know the physical craving does not cause these people to drink because it's been medically proven that after a few days of not drinking the alcohol is processed out of the body. And, if you've been in the AA Fellowship for a while, for most people, the mental obsession dissipates. So why is it that after a long period of sobriety many people in our fellowship return to drinking - EVEN WHEN THEY DON'T WANT TO? What is the third fold of our illness that triggers the mental obsession - WHEN NOT DRINKING - HAVING BEEN SEPARATED FROM ALCOHOL FOR A LONG PERIOD OF TIME?
Through closely examining our Big Book, along with much experience and practice with our Twelve Steps, as well as vigorous work with other alcoholics, the "missing piece" of Step 1 appears to be what is referred to on page 64 as the "spiritual malady."
Now, let me attempt to discuss the second half of Step 1: " - that our lives had become unmanageable."
For a long time I thought my life was unmanageable because of all the crazy insane things I did while drinking - like the car accidents, hurting people when I didn't mean to, failed relationships, loss of jobs, family dysfunction, jails, asylums, etc.
Finally, someone explained to me that those things are not the insanity that the Big Book talks about; nor are those things why the alcoholic's life becomes unmanageable.
Of course those things can be classified as "unmanageability" - but they are external unmanageability. The unmanageability that the 1st Step is pointing to is the INWARD unmanageability of our lives - the restlessness, irritability, and discontentment that most alcoholics have even BEFORE they ever picked up their first drink. There are many names for this "inward unmanageability". Some refer to it as "untreated alcoholism." Others use the term "bedevilments", which comes from page 52 of the Big Book (which I'll be discussing in a moment). Page 64 simply refers to this "inward unmanageability" as "the spiritual malady."
Our book promises us that "When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically." The mental and physical factors of alcoholism are put into remission AFTER the "spiritual malady" is overcome - which means I'm still in danger of drinking until I have a spiritual awakening - whether I think so or not.
Two key points I'd like to focus on from this point forward:
What really is this "spiritual malady" and how, if left untreated, can it drive an alcoholic back to drinking?
What is the remedy for it?
(By the way, our Big Book answers both of those questions in masterly detail in Chapters 4 - 11.) What is this "spiritual malady" we alcoholics suffer from and how can "untreated alcoholism" cause an alcoholic to return to drinking - EVEN WHEN HE/SHE DOESN'T WANT TO?
Imagine three layers. The first layer is our bodily reaction to alcohol when we ingest it - the physical craving. Under that is the second layer: the insanity of the mind just before the first drink - the mental obsession. Under that is the third layer: the inward condition that triggers the second layer, which in turn triggers the first - the "spiritual malady." Symptoms of this "third layer" as described in the Big Book include:
being restless, irritable, and discontented (page xxvi),
having trouble with personal relationships,
not being able to control our emotional natures,
being a prey to (or suffering from) misery and depression,
not being able to make a living (or a happy and successful life),
having feelings of uselessness,
being full of fear,
unhappiness,
inability to be of real help to other people (page 52),
being like "the actor who wants to run the whole show" (pages 60-61),
being "driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity" (page 62),
self-will run riot (page 62),
leading a double life (page 73),
living like a tornado running through the lives of others (page 82), and
exhibiting selfish and inconsiderate habits.
These name just a few of the symptoms of the "spiritual malady" that's described throughout our text. But still in all, these are just symptoms of the "spiritual malady."
What is it really? What is the driving force of the symptoms described above?
On page 62 the text explains that "Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles." This "SELFISHNESS-self-centeredness" (or the "ego", as some people refer to it) drives us to respond to life situations with the above "symptoms" as well as disorders and addictions other than alcoholism.
If this selfishness-self-centeredness continues to manifest in an alcoholic's life - EVEN IN SOMEONE WHO IS NOT DRINKING AND CONTINUES TO ATTEND MEETINGS - and the ego is not smashed and re-smashed by continuous application of all twelve steps, the sober (or "just not drinking") alcoholic is sure to drink again eventually... or even worse, continue to live miserably being "undrunk" (better known as a "dry drunk"). This is why we see people with 10 years in AA wind up in mental institutions - AND THEY HAVEN'T HAD A DROP TO DRINK!
You see, if I continue to act out with selfish - self-centered - ego-driven behaviors I will continue to experience the symptoms of the "spiritual malady." If I continue to experience this inward unmanageability, eventually my mind will seek out the "sense of ease and comfort" it thinks it can receive from taking a drink. Or, my ego can deceive me into thinking I'm doing perfectly fine. (i.e.: Fred's story in Chapter 3... Fred drank when there wasn't "a cloud on the horizon".)
Typically, we'll tell ourselves and others, "Well, at least I'm not drinking." All of a sudden, I can experience a "strange mental blank-spot" - otherwise known as a "sober blackout" - and before it even hits me I'm pounding on the bar asking myself "How'd this happened?"
So, ask yourself if you're suffering from the "spiritual malady" - particularly if you haven't had a drink for a while. What condition is your "inner life" in, currently? Are you experiencing any of the symptoms listed previously? (Also refer to the "Step One Unmanageability Exercise" also included in this issue of "This Day".)
Has it been a while since you've taken another alcoholic through the Steps?
Has it been a while since you have gone through the steps?
Have you ever taken all of AA's Twelve Steps?
Have you done more than one 4th Step inventory?
Have you completed all your 9th Step amends wherever possible?
Are you working with the disciplines and practices of steps Ten and Eleven (self-examination, meditation and prayer)... consistently... EVERY DAY?
Page 62 says, "Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness ("the ego"). We must, or it kills us! God makes that possible. And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self (ego) without [God's] aid."
Page 25 tells us, "There is a solution. Almost none of us liked the self-searching, the leveling of our pride, the confession of shortcomings, which the process requires for its successful consummation. But we saw that it really worked in others, and we had come to believe in the hopelessness and futility of life as we had been living it. When, therefore, we were approached by those in whom the problem had been solved, there was nothing left for us but to pick up the simple kit of spiritual tools laid at out feet. We have found much of heaven and we have been rocketed into a fourth dimension of existence of which we had not even dreamed."
This "fourth dimension", which we find out in the 10th Step is the "world of the Spirit", takes us beyond the physically, mental, and emotional dimensions of life - and eliminates the selfishness (ego) of the "spiritual malady." The term "spiritual malady" does not mean that our "spirit" is sick. It simply means we are spiritually blocked off from the Power of God, which enables us to remain sober, happy, joyous, and free.
To conclude, it's not my body - my allergic reaction to alcohol - that's going to take me back to drinking. It's really not my mind - the mental obsession - that is the underlying root of what will take me back to drinking. It's the "spiritual malady", as manifested by my EGO (selfishness-self-centeredness), that can eventually lead me back to drinking or sometimes even suicide.
On pages 14 and 15 Bill W. writes, "For if an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could not survive the certain trials and low spots ahead. If he did not work, he would surely drink again, and if he drank, he would surely die. Then faith would be dead indeed. With us it is just like that."
Thankfully, the "spiritual malady" is no longer a "missing piece" of Step One for me. It is a reality of my powerlessness and unmanageability and enables me to see why I so desperately need to seek a Power Greater than myself. And unless this malady is recognized, and a course of action (the Twelve Steps) is taken to enable God to remove it, the root of our alcoholic illness can lie dormant and burn us when we least expect it. END
I have some errands to run so will come back later to share my experience. However, for now, I'll share a couple of posts that led me to my new understanding.
Note: Bold is in the original; however, I did not bold the already capped parts (as in the original).
The Missing Piece: The Spiritual Malady
by Mike L., West Orange, NJ
"Carry THIS Message" Group, West Orange, NJ
From "The Doctor's Opinion" to the end of "More About Alcoholism" the Big Book discusses the first part of Step 1, which states, "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol". We've discussed, studied, and internalized material from the "Doctor's Opinion" to page 23 to see how we're powerless over alcohol bodily. We've used pages 23 - 43 to help us experience how we've been powerless mentally. Now I'd like to talk about a part of our "disease" which is seldom discussed in meetings nowadays: the "spiritual malady."
We often hear people say something like, "I have a three-fold disease: body, mind, and spirit."
When you ask them to describe what they mean by that statement, they seem to have a firm grasp on the fact that we alcoholics suffer from "an allergy of the body and an obsession of the mind" - that once I put any alcohol in my system whatsoever it sets off a craving for more alcohol. And when I'm stone-cold sober, at my very best, the thought will occur to me to take a drink - or sometimes I think very little about it or not at all, and I come-to out of a blackout after having experienced what page 42 refers to as a "strange mental blank spot." And of course this vicious cycle of my mind continuously taking me back to a drink and my body dooming me to not drink like "normal" people puts me in a senseless series of sprees and it makes it virtually impossible to stop.
It is agreed that the "mental obsession" is the part of our "disease" which leads to the first drink; and it's the first drink that triggers the "phenomenon of craving." But, what about the part of my "disease" that triggers the mental obsession in the first place? Why is it that people who have remained abstinent from drinking in Alcoholics Anonymous for 1 year... 2 years... 5 years... 10 years... and in some cases even 20 years or more, go back to drinking?
We know the physical craving does not cause these people to drink because it's been medically proven that after a few days of not drinking the alcohol is processed out of the body. And, if you've been in the AA Fellowship for a while, for most people, the mental obsession dissipates. So why is it that after a long period of sobriety many people in our fellowship return to drinking - EVEN WHEN THEY DON'T WANT TO? What is the third fold of our illness that triggers the mental obsession - WHEN NOT DRINKING - HAVING BEEN SEPARATED FROM ALCOHOL FOR A LONG PERIOD OF TIME?
Through closely examining our Big Book, along with much experience and practice with our Twelve Steps, as well as vigorous work with other alcoholics, the "missing piece" of Step 1 appears to be what is referred to on page 64 as the "spiritual malady."
Now, let me attempt to discuss the second half of Step 1: " - that our lives had become unmanageable."
For a long time I thought my life was unmanageable because of all the crazy insane things I did while drinking - like the car accidents, hurting people when I didn't mean to, failed relationships, loss of jobs, family dysfunction, jails, asylums, etc.
Finally, someone explained to me that those things are not the insanity that the Big Book talks about; nor are those things why the alcoholic's life becomes unmanageable.
Of course those things can be classified as "unmanageability" - but they are external unmanageability. The unmanageability that the 1st Step is pointing to is the INWARD unmanageability of our lives - the restlessness, irritability, and discontentment that most alcoholics have even BEFORE they ever picked up their first drink. There are many names for this "inward unmanageability". Some refer to it as "untreated alcoholism." Others use the term "bedevilments", which comes from page 52 of the Big Book (which I'll be discussing in a moment). Page 64 simply refers to this "inward unmanageability" as "the spiritual malady."
Our book promises us that "When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically." The mental and physical factors of alcoholism are put into remission AFTER the "spiritual malady" is overcome - which means I'm still in danger of drinking until I have a spiritual awakening - whether I think so or not.
Two key points I'd like to focus on from this point forward:
What really is this "spiritual malady" and how, if left untreated, can it drive an alcoholic back to drinking?
What is the remedy for it?
(By the way, our Big Book answers both of those questions in masterly detail in Chapters 4 - 11.) What is this "spiritual malady" we alcoholics suffer from and how can "untreated alcoholism" cause an alcoholic to return to drinking - EVEN WHEN HE/SHE DOESN'T WANT TO?
Imagine three layers. The first layer is our bodily reaction to alcohol when we ingest it - the physical craving. Under that is the second layer: the insanity of the mind just before the first drink - the mental obsession. Under that is the third layer: the inward condition that triggers the second layer, which in turn triggers the first - the "spiritual malady." Symptoms of this "third layer" as described in the Big Book include:
being restless, irritable, and discontented (page xxvi),
having trouble with personal relationships,
not being able to control our emotional natures,
being a prey to (or suffering from) misery and depression,
not being able to make a living (or a happy and successful life),
having feelings of uselessness,
being full of fear,
unhappiness,
inability to be of real help to other people (page 52),
being like "the actor who wants to run the whole show" (pages 60-61),
being "driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity" (page 62),
self-will run riot (page 62),
leading a double life (page 73),
living like a tornado running through the lives of others (page 82), and
exhibiting selfish and inconsiderate habits.
These name just a few of the symptoms of the "spiritual malady" that's described throughout our text. But still in all, these are just symptoms of the "spiritual malady."
What is it really? What is the driving force of the symptoms described above?
On page 62 the text explains that "Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles." This "SELFISHNESS-self-centeredness" (or the "ego", as some people refer to it) drives us to respond to life situations with the above "symptoms" as well as disorders and addictions other than alcoholism.
If this selfishness-self-centeredness continues to manifest in an alcoholic's life - EVEN IN SOMEONE WHO IS NOT DRINKING AND CONTINUES TO ATTEND MEETINGS - and the ego is not smashed and re-smashed by continuous application of all twelve steps, the sober (or "just not drinking") alcoholic is sure to drink again eventually... or even worse, continue to live miserably being "undrunk" (better known as a "dry drunk"). This is why we see people with 10 years in AA wind up in mental institutions - AND THEY HAVEN'T HAD A DROP TO DRINK!
You see, if I continue to act out with selfish - self-centered - ego-driven behaviors I will continue to experience the symptoms of the "spiritual malady." If I continue to experience this inward unmanageability, eventually my mind will seek out the "sense of ease and comfort" it thinks it can receive from taking a drink. Or, my ego can deceive me into thinking I'm doing perfectly fine. (i.e.: Fred's story in Chapter 3... Fred drank when there wasn't "a cloud on the horizon".)
Typically, we'll tell ourselves and others, "Well, at least I'm not drinking." All of a sudden, I can experience a "strange mental blank-spot" - otherwise known as a "sober blackout" - and before it even hits me I'm pounding on the bar asking myself "How'd this happened?"
So, ask yourself if you're suffering from the "spiritual malady" - particularly if you haven't had a drink for a while. What condition is your "inner life" in, currently? Are you experiencing any of the symptoms listed previously? (Also refer to the "Step One Unmanageability Exercise" also included in this issue of "This Day".)
Has it been a while since you've taken another alcoholic through the Steps?
Has it been a while since you have gone through the steps?
Have you ever taken all of AA's Twelve Steps?
Have you done more than one 4th Step inventory?
Have you completed all your 9th Step amends wherever possible?
Are you working with the disciplines and practices of steps Ten and Eleven (self-examination, meditation and prayer)... consistently... EVERY DAY?
Page 62 says, "Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness ("the ego"). We must, or it kills us! God makes that possible. And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self (ego) without [God's] aid."
Page 25 tells us, "There is a solution. Almost none of us liked the self-searching, the leveling of our pride, the confession of shortcomings, which the process requires for its successful consummation. But we saw that it really worked in others, and we had come to believe in the hopelessness and futility of life as we had been living it. When, therefore, we were approached by those in whom the problem had been solved, there was nothing left for us but to pick up the simple kit of spiritual tools laid at out feet. We have found much of heaven and we have been rocketed into a fourth dimension of existence of which we had not even dreamed."
This "fourth dimension", which we find out in the 10th Step is the "world of the Spirit", takes us beyond the physically, mental, and emotional dimensions of life - and eliminates the selfishness (ego) of the "spiritual malady." The term "spiritual malady" does not mean that our "spirit" is sick. It simply means we are spiritually blocked off from the Power of God, which enables us to remain sober, happy, joyous, and free.
To conclude, it's not my body - my allergic reaction to alcohol - that's going to take me back to drinking. It's really not my mind - the mental obsession - that is the underlying root of what will take me back to drinking. It's the "spiritual malady", as manifested by my EGO (selfishness-self-centeredness), that can eventually lead me back to drinking or sometimes even suicide.
On pages 14 and 15 Bill W. writes, "For if an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could not survive the certain trials and low spots ahead. If he did not work, he would surely drink again, and if he drank, he would surely die. Then faith would be dead indeed. With us it is just like that."
Thankfully, the "spiritual malady" is no longer a "missing piece" of Step One for me. It is a reality of my powerlessness and unmanageability and enables me to see why I so desperately need to seek a Power Greater than myself. And unless this malady is recognized, and a course of action (the Twelve Steps) is taken to enable God to remove it, the root of our alcoholic illness can lie dormant and burn us when we least expect it. END
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 82
The above article can be found on Barefoot's World website. Also, mentioned in the article is the "Step 1 Unmanageability Exercise" that can also be found on that website. I don't have enough posts to use URLs yet.
Note: I don't normally share the experiences of others but information/experience on this phenomenon is sparse (from my experience) so hope no one minds. I found it in the archives of another AA online group *where posts are visible from the web*. (So no 'closed meeting' problem that I can see.)
The Curious Mental Blank Spot
by Louisa » Tue Oct 23, 2012 2:51 pm
Probably the least understood feature of alcoholism, especially to normies, is the mysterious mental phenomena described in the Big Book as the "curious mental blank spot." Treatment facilities offer a neural/anatomical explanation for what happens. As one of my new sponsees recently paraphrased it to me, she was taught that the disease of alcoholism centers in the brain's limbic system, a portion of the brain more primitive than the frontal lobe wherein reside all our personal resolves not to drink. She was taught that, at certain times, the limbic system can either bypass the frontal lobe, or manipulate it to come up with a reason why drinking is okay. The "solution" she was told, was to remind herself every morning of the importance of her recovery program. She was told that "refreshing" the commitment of her frontal lobe each morning would keep it better on guard against her limbic system's ploys.
I have to tell you, though there's a lot of truth to what she was taught, I could not help smiling, as I sat in my customary sponsor's chair, at how easy her treatment center made it sound. One might just as well "refresh" one's skull against the impact of bullets prior to playing Russian Roulette. Because when the blank spot strikes, it doesn't matter WHAT your frontal lobe has been refreshed with lately. We become putty in the disease's hands. The Big Book tells us in no uncertain terms:
"The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. ...[N]either he **/she] nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His [/her] defense must come from a Higher Power."
In other words, god alone can protect us when the curious mental blank spot comes up.
Here is my own most recent experience with the curious mental blank spot. A few summers ago, when about fifteen years sober, I went to my parents' house for a family dinner. My family culture is sopped in wine. Someone told me to take a seat at the formally laid dining table. I was very hungry, I sat down and saw, centered behind my plate, a glass of white wine, beaded with condensation and sparkling in the indirect sunlight. My brain went ZONK. I looked at the wine. It spoke to me. I struggled in my mind to remember why it was I couldn't just pick up this glass and start sipping. "Because you're an alcoholic!" said my frontal lobe. "That's why we've gone to AA for all these years."
But my disease was ready. Before the thoughts were even complete, it was ridiculing them, the way children sometimes mince words in imitations. "Oh! You're an alcoholic! Oh dear, oh dear! And you're in AA with all those brainwashed people, aren't you -- believing every little thing they tell you, not thinking for yourself! Don't you remember what rebels we used to be? Just drink the frickin' glass!"
The argument seemed completely solid. I was ready to reach for the fabulous wine. There didn't seem anything else to do - I didn't WANT to ask anybody to take it away; I didn't WANT to ask if Mom had Martinellis!
But my hand didn't move. And then something did happen. A new voice entered my mind, something completely different in tone and urgency than the voice of my disease. It suggested calmly: "Why don't you wait five minutes and see if this is still true? You can do five minutes, can't you?"
Yes, I agreed. I could. I would drink the wine, yes, but not for five minutes... because.... because..... the voice had said so.
It took maybe twenty seconds of pausing for my frontal lobe to wrest the wheel back. All that sobriety has given me, all the joys of life and mountain climbing and a son who's never seen me drunk, of my dear friends in AA and the trust and confidence with which I'm able to be ME among them, and most of all my mental health - twelve years off anti-depressants, twelve years of emotional growth! Oh my god, these were worth all the world to me! How could I possibly have considered trading them for a lousy liquid I would swallow -- only to p*ss it out again in the despair of relapse?! Sobriety! I loved my sobriety!
Thank god it was still intact. Because that gentle voice, that calm voice, the one that saved all my happiness, was the voice of my higher power. It did for me what no amount of self-knowledge can do for a real alcoholic.
I found my voice. "Hey, could someone take this wine for me?" I asked pleasantly. "Mom, do you have any Martinelli's?"
I was back to business as usual - living life connected the god of my understanding.
Louisa
Note: I don't normally share the experiences of others but information/experience on this phenomenon is sparse (from my experience) so hope no one minds. I found it in the archives of another AA online group *where posts are visible from the web*. (So no 'closed meeting' problem that I can see.)
The Curious Mental Blank Spot
by Louisa » Tue Oct 23, 2012 2:51 pm
Probably the least understood feature of alcoholism, especially to normies, is the mysterious mental phenomena described in the Big Book as the "curious mental blank spot." Treatment facilities offer a neural/anatomical explanation for what happens. As one of my new sponsees recently paraphrased it to me, she was taught that the disease of alcoholism centers in the brain's limbic system, a portion of the brain more primitive than the frontal lobe wherein reside all our personal resolves not to drink. She was taught that, at certain times, the limbic system can either bypass the frontal lobe, or manipulate it to come up with a reason why drinking is okay. The "solution" she was told, was to remind herself every morning of the importance of her recovery program. She was told that "refreshing" the commitment of her frontal lobe each morning would keep it better on guard against her limbic system's ploys.
I have to tell you, though there's a lot of truth to what she was taught, I could not help smiling, as I sat in my customary sponsor's chair, at how easy her treatment center made it sound. One might just as well "refresh" one's skull against the impact of bullets prior to playing Russian Roulette. Because when the blank spot strikes, it doesn't matter WHAT your frontal lobe has been refreshed with lately. We become putty in the disease's hands. The Big Book tells us in no uncertain terms:
"The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. ...[N]either he **/she] nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His [/her] defense must come from a Higher Power."
In other words, god alone can protect us when the curious mental blank spot comes up.
Here is my own most recent experience with the curious mental blank spot. A few summers ago, when about fifteen years sober, I went to my parents' house for a family dinner. My family culture is sopped in wine. Someone told me to take a seat at the formally laid dining table. I was very hungry, I sat down and saw, centered behind my plate, a glass of white wine, beaded with condensation and sparkling in the indirect sunlight. My brain went ZONK. I looked at the wine. It spoke to me. I struggled in my mind to remember why it was I couldn't just pick up this glass and start sipping. "Because you're an alcoholic!" said my frontal lobe. "That's why we've gone to AA for all these years."
But my disease was ready. Before the thoughts were even complete, it was ridiculing them, the way children sometimes mince words in imitations. "Oh! You're an alcoholic! Oh dear, oh dear! And you're in AA with all those brainwashed people, aren't you -- believing every little thing they tell you, not thinking for yourself! Don't you remember what rebels we used to be? Just drink the frickin' glass!"
The argument seemed completely solid. I was ready to reach for the fabulous wine. There didn't seem anything else to do - I didn't WANT to ask anybody to take it away; I didn't WANT to ask if Mom had Martinellis!
But my hand didn't move. And then something did happen. A new voice entered my mind, something completely different in tone and urgency than the voice of my disease. It suggested calmly: "Why don't you wait five minutes and see if this is still true? You can do five minutes, can't you?"
Yes, I agreed. I could. I would drink the wine, yes, but not for five minutes... because.... because..... the voice had said so.
It took maybe twenty seconds of pausing for my frontal lobe to wrest the wheel back. All that sobriety has given me, all the joys of life and mountain climbing and a son who's never seen me drunk, of my dear friends in AA and the trust and confidence with which I'm able to be ME among them, and most of all my mental health - twelve years off anti-depressants, twelve years of emotional growth! Oh my god, these were worth all the world to me! How could I possibly have considered trading them for a lousy liquid I would swallow -- only to p*ss it out again in the despair of relapse?! Sobriety! I loved my sobriety!
Thank god it was still intact. Because that gentle voice, that calm voice, the one that saved all my happiness, was the voice of my higher power. It did for me what no amount of self-knowledge can do for a real alcoholic.
I found my voice. "Hey, could someone take this wine for me?" I asked pleasantly. "Mom, do you have any Martinelli's?"
I was back to business as usual - living life connected the god of my understanding.
Louisa
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
In my experience and observation, any alcohol taken in by an alcoholic flips the "drinking" switch back on. Some alcoholics (especially those in the early stages) can exercise some degree of control, but many, many cannot, once they get that booze into their systems. But even for those whose alcoholism hasn't progressed as far, it sort of "resets" back to the default setting, which is drinking. That's why alcoholics in AA (and many others, too) count from their last drink. Even one has a "reset" effect on the craving for more that is part of the disease.
Some people (especially those new to recovery) get very indignant about having to "give up" their sober time, especially if the slip involved a couple of drinks. It isn't that you reset your time as a punishment, it is simply recognizing that a drink is a drink. About the only time I'd tell someone not to restart his/her count is if the drink was REALLY, TRULY accidental (picking up someone else's drink, for example--provided, of course, that s/he did not continue to sip once realizing the mistake). Otherwise, drink = slip. Restart.
Some people (especially those new to recovery) get very indignant about having to "give up" their sober time, especially if the slip involved a couple of drinks. It isn't that you reset your time as a punishment, it is simply recognizing that a drink is a drink. About the only time I'd tell someone not to restart his/her count is if the drink was REALLY, TRULY accidental (picking up someone else's drink, for example--provided, of course, that s/he did not continue to sip once realizing the mistake). Otherwise, drink = slip. Restart.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
For me, personally, there's little difference (except in the case of a true accident, like Lexie pointed out), it's semantics IMO.
To me both represent a lapse or weakness in one's recovery (relapse of behaviors & mental processes) which is more important to me than the volume of alcohol consumed during the event itself, or the number of days it goes on.
My RAH's "slip" last fall consisted of a few drinks, one night. But it exposed a hole in his recovery program that was enormous & the resulting fallout of the DUI he obtained that night created an aftershock of events that he is/we are STILL dealing with. It's hard to even consider it "just a slip" when the ramifications were so huge.
(I don't know if HE considers it a total relapse & whether or not he reset his days to zero afterwards. I assumed he did - he sought out a new sponsor/AA group at the time & his sponsor seems to hold him more accountable.... but I never clarified it with him. It wouldn't change my opinion & his recovery is his to work/define so I guess it never really occurred to me to ask, but now you've gotten me curious, lol!)
To me both represent a lapse or weakness in one's recovery (relapse of behaviors & mental processes) which is more important to me than the volume of alcohol consumed during the event itself, or the number of days it goes on.
My RAH's "slip" last fall consisted of a few drinks, one night. But it exposed a hole in his recovery program that was enormous & the resulting fallout of the DUI he obtained that night created an aftershock of events that he is/we are STILL dealing with. It's hard to even consider it "just a slip" when the ramifications were so huge.
(I don't know if HE considers it a total relapse & whether or not he reset his days to zero afterwards. I assumed he did - he sought out a new sponsor/AA group at the time & his sponsor seems to hold him more accountable.... but I never clarified it with him. It wouldn't change my opinion & his recovery is his to work/define so I guess it never really occurred to me to ask, but now you've gotten me curious, lol!)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Northern California
Posts: 563
Thank you everyone for your thoughtful responses.
I agree, whatever you call it (slip or relapse), drinking represents a problem in the recovery plan that needs to be addressed. When I drank in early October I was so disappointed in myself. I took a hard look at my recovery plan and how I was following it, and it wasn't too difficult to find the holes that needed addressing, and I got baçk to working the strengthened plan the next day. I don't use AA, but I reset the clock counting my sober days.
My BF has had several "slips" (he doesn't like that term - but refuses to say what he'd call them) since the beginning of September. This after five months of attending AA meetings (which he'd done for periods of time in his past), and having a sponsor (a first for him this time in AA.)
He doesn't like to count his sober days, but defensively says that whatever-he-wants-to-call these instances of drinking shouldn't wipe out the five months. I asked him what happens if you are in AA and you drink. He said something about writing it in a book, and that yes people may mention it in meetings but some don't. He said he didn't take his six month chip because he'd drank.
I think one of my main issues is that he's not remorseful about these instances. I asked him directly if he felt bad about them. His response was that looking back if something bad happened (like a DUI) then yes he regretted drinking but for the most part no, he didn't beat himself up about it. I am completely the opposite - I mentally beat myself up for days, apologize for any bad behavior, etc.
I know it's his recovery to work, but I just can't help but feel that with all these slips and not meeting with his sponsor regularly he's no longer fully committed. As far as I can tell he hasn't met with his sponsor in over a month. He says AA is not a program, it's a support group. He attends AA meetings but will then drink later on that day. And the drinking instances are becoming more frequent. Last week it was Sunday afternoon. This week he drank Thursday night (a little), Friday afternoon and night (a little more than Thursday), and Saturday early evening and night (so even more than Friday.) I fear he's on such slippery ground.
Another thing that bothers me is that during one of the first few instances I asked him to be honest with me about his drinking. When I slipped in early October, I told him the very next day - but then again I felt remorseful and regret. He said he answered honestly that he'd drank when I'd asked him. I said that was great, but asked that he TELL me when he's drank, without me having to ask first. And he agreed. (He drinks in the garage, or at the park down the street and hides the bottles in the garage or in his car or truck. He doesn't drink out in the open.) Yet these past two weekends he hasn't told me. I know him well enough to tell when he has and how much he's had - also the smell, etc. And I haven't asked him. I know that my asking won't stop him from drinking, and it was just upsetting me when I'd have these conversations with him (especially because he expresses no regret!)
It was VERY bad earlier in the year when he was drinking - week long binges leading up to me and his family writing intervention style letters to him, and a trip to the emergency room for his DTs (not his first trip - and he's been hospitalized in the past as well.) I will not live with that again. I'm concerned that my own codie behavior, and also my own recent slip (causing me to give him a pass on his slips), will keep me from seeing if he's in full relapse. Though I certainly will recognize a week long binge, I'd like to get off the crazy train before it reaches that point.
Thanks again for your responses -
NCG
I agree, whatever you call it (slip or relapse), drinking represents a problem in the recovery plan that needs to be addressed. When I drank in early October I was so disappointed in myself. I took a hard look at my recovery plan and how I was following it, and it wasn't too difficult to find the holes that needed addressing, and I got baçk to working the strengthened plan the next day. I don't use AA, but I reset the clock counting my sober days.
My BF has had several "slips" (he doesn't like that term - but refuses to say what he'd call them) since the beginning of September. This after five months of attending AA meetings (which he'd done for periods of time in his past), and having a sponsor (a first for him this time in AA.)
He doesn't like to count his sober days, but defensively says that whatever-he-wants-to-call these instances of drinking shouldn't wipe out the five months. I asked him what happens if you are in AA and you drink. He said something about writing it in a book, and that yes people may mention it in meetings but some don't. He said he didn't take his six month chip because he'd drank.
I think one of my main issues is that he's not remorseful about these instances. I asked him directly if he felt bad about them. His response was that looking back if something bad happened (like a DUI) then yes he regretted drinking but for the most part no, he didn't beat himself up about it. I am completely the opposite - I mentally beat myself up for days, apologize for any bad behavior, etc.
I know it's his recovery to work, but I just can't help but feel that with all these slips and not meeting with his sponsor regularly he's no longer fully committed. As far as I can tell he hasn't met with his sponsor in over a month. He says AA is not a program, it's a support group. He attends AA meetings but will then drink later on that day. And the drinking instances are becoming more frequent. Last week it was Sunday afternoon. This week he drank Thursday night (a little), Friday afternoon and night (a little more than Thursday), and Saturday early evening and night (so even more than Friday.) I fear he's on such slippery ground.
Another thing that bothers me is that during one of the first few instances I asked him to be honest with me about his drinking. When I slipped in early October, I told him the very next day - but then again I felt remorseful and regret. He said he answered honestly that he'd drank when I'd asked him. I said that was great, but asked that he TELL me when he's drank, without me having to ask first. And he agreed. (He drinks in the garage, or at the park down the street and hides the bottles in the garage or in his car or truck. He doesn't drink out in the open.) Yet these past two weekends he hasn't told me. I know him well enough to tell when he has and how much he's had - also the smell, etc. And I haven't asked him. I know that my asking won't stop him from drinking, and it was just upsetting me when I'd have these conversations with him (especially because he expresses no regret!)
It was VERY bad earlier in the year when he was drinking - week long binges leading up to me and his family writing intervention style letters to him, and a trip to the emergency room for his DTs (not his first trip - and he's been hospitalized in the past as well.) I will not live with that again. I'm concerned that my own codie behavior, and also my own recent slip (causing me to give him a pass on his slips), will keep me from seeing if he's in full relapse. Though I certainly will recognize a week long binge, I'd like to get off the crazy train before it reaches that point.
Thanks again for your responses -
NCG
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Being in AA and having a sponsor don't automatically equal working a program or being in recovery any more than wearing a tiara makes you a real princess. It doesn't sound like he was ever really sober, just trying the white-knuckle approach - which doesn't seem to have been working all that well.
I look at "slip" and "relapse" like po-tay-to and po-tah-to. Whichever way you say it, it means the same thing.
I look at "slip" and "relapse" like po-tay-to and po-tah-to. Whichever way you say it, it means the same thing.
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
I personally don't really see the difference to me it is the same thing. For me it would be a pretty big screw up and there is no way I would just "slip" into a drink. It would be a relapse for me because it is intentional. I have no doubt in my mind if I even had one drink there is no way I am stopping. Because I can't.
Stoic
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Wash D.C.
Posts: 321
My AW is a full-time alcoholic.
To me, a "slip" is when she stops drinking for a short time due to her body not allowing her to function anymore.
Then, she recovers from her slip, and begins drinking again.
It's a sad waste of a life.
To me, a "slip" is when she stops drinking for a short time due to her body not allowing her to function anymore.
Then, she recovers from her slip, and begins drinking again.
It's a sad waste of a life.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
At this point, he's not recovering--he's drinking, but making a token "effort"--to placate you, I suspect. It doesn't mean he won't eventually "get" it--I know some people with long-term sobriety who started off the way he is--but he is fooling no one. Not even himself, not really.
Are you going to Al-Anon? I know a lot of "double winners"--several of whom are still living with a drinking spouse/partner. Put your own sobriety FIRST, but if you choose to stay with him, I suggest you find yourself a good Al-Anon group to cope with your responses to his drinking. The hiding, etc., is what alcoholics DO. It's just another part of the disease, so it's a little unrealistic to demand that he tell you when he's been drinking.
Hugs, hang in there, and whatever you do, put your own recovery first.
Are you going to Al-Anon? I know a lot of "double winners"--several of whom are still living with a drinking spouse/partner. Put your own sobriety FIRST, but if you choose to stay with him, I suggest you find yourself a good Al-Anon group to cope with your responses to his drinking. The hiding, etc., is what alcoholics DO. It's just another part of the disease, so it's a little unrealistic to demand that he tell you when he's been drinking.
Hugs, hang in there, and whatever you do, put your own recovery first.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
Something I learned in math class a long time ago....................:
If A=B, and B=C, then it follows that A=C.
Now, to relate this to Slip vs Relapse......................:
If Slip=I drink, and Relapse=I drink, then it follows that Slip=Relapse; the number of drinks and/or the length of time drinking doesn't matter.
(o:
NoelleR
If A=B, and B=C, then it follows that A=C.
Now, to relate this to Slip vs Relapse......................:
If Slip=I drink, and Relapse=I drink, then it follows that Slip=Relapse; the number of drinks and/or the length of time drinking doesn't matter.
(o:
NoelleR
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
Originally Posted by NoelleR 
If Slip=I drink, and Relapse=I drink, then it follows that Slip=Relapse; the number of drinks and/or the length of time drinking doesn't matter.
(o:
NoelleR
(o:
NoelleR
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Yep. Slip = Relapse.
All the rest of the nonsense are just more lies an A tells themselves, and then anyone else who will listen.
This stuff can be a mess.
Back about 7 years ago or so when Mrs. Hammer relapsed (slipped -- snort), her sponsor told her to tell me, and "start counting days" (set a new Sobriety Date). Instead, Mrs. Hammer came to me and told me she had drank Cooking Vanilla, and I asked if her she had to go to the meeting and tell them?
We had been through that with her AA friends, and I had watched others. Everyone cries, and then rejoices that recovery is sought again, applause, hugs, and watch the new day begin. Truly lovely and amazing stuff.
INSTEAD she then lied to me. She said the sponsor said it was okay, and that she did not need a new date. That puzzled me and I looked oddly at her. Then she started yelling, "Are You Questioning My Sobriety?" I had no idea what that meant, so I just shrugged and let it pass. Now that I do understand what it means and why, I would have said, "Oh Hell, Yes!"
So over the years, she has lied and lied about it all. As I had watched her spiral down on the path to an Eating Disorder Rehab -- that was when I found about the lies -- her sponsor was going over the details of the Eating Disorder, the discussion of Relapse came up and the truth came out.
Since Mrs. Hammer lies and lies and lies about it -- per "How it Works" she never could / can recover without becoming honest -- so she is trapped in her own web of lies.
Most recent was when it came up in the Depositions -- about the Slip=Relapse -- afterwards she came around and apologized for about 15 seconds about how much that had hurt the family . . . and then spent the next 15 MINUTES "'splaining" how it was not "really" a Relapse.
Per my most excellent Alanon training (THANK YOU, ALANON!) I avoid in engaging in the nonsense.
Just a plain bizarre crazy world over there.
What seems to drive the whole mess is that she has too much pride and arrogance to acknowledge the truth and re-set her "Chip Date." That is what her stuff is all about. Pride and Arrogance. That stupid "Birthday Chip" crap -- which is not even part of the Big Book.
IF she were truthful, she would have to stop claiming she has 18 years or some such nonsense, which of course has now compounded because she has been lying about it for so many years. Otherwise she could already be back up to 7 or 8, and our family would not have been put through all this misery.
About the only folks she has fooled on it all anymore are the AA Gossip Girls, who scream four letter words at me in AA/Alanon parking lot because of all the lies she has told them, regarding me. I now consider all that as a pretty good indicator of where their collective programs are at. The Gossip Girls are the ones who do the Chip stuff with her, now, and the kids and I just roll our eyes and sit it out.
==================
How it works
RARELY HAVE we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.
All the rest of the nonsense are just more lies an A tells themselves, and then anyone else who will listen.
This stuff can be a mess.
Back about 7 years ago or so when Mrs. Hammer relapsed (slipped -- snort), her sponsor told her to tell me, and "start counting days" (set a new Sobriety Date). Instead, Mrs. Hammer came to me and told me she had drank Cooking Vanilla, and I asked if her she had to go to the meeting and tell them?
We had been through that with her AA friends, and I had watched others. Everyone cries, and then rejoices that recovery is sought again, applause, hugs, and watch the new day begin. Truly lovely and amazing stuff.
INSTEAD she then lied to me. She said the sponsor said it was okay, and that she did not need a new date. That puzzled me and I looked oddly at her. Then she started yelling, "Are You Questioning My Sobriety?" I had no idea what that meant, so I just shrugged and let it pass. Now that I do understand what it means and why, I would have said, "Oh Hell, Yes!"
So over the years, she has lied and lied about it all. As I had watched her spiral down on the path to an Eating Disorder Rehab -- that was when I found about the lies -- her sponsor was going over the details of the Eating Disorder, the discussion of Relapse came up and the truth came out.
Since Mrs. Hammer lies and lies and lies about it -- per "How it Works" she never could / can recover without becoming honest -- so she is trapped in her own web of lies.
Most recent was when it came up in the Depositions -- about the Slip=Relapse -- afterwards she came around and apologized for about 15 seconds about how much that had hurt the family . . . and then spent the next 15 MINUTES "'splaining" how it was not "really" a Relapse.
Per my most excellent Alanon training (THANK YOU, ALANON!) I avoid in engaging in the nonsense.
Just a plain bizarre crazy world over there.
What seems to drive the whole mess is that she has too much pride and arrogance to acknowledge the truth and re-set her "Chip Date." That is what her stuff is all about. Pride and Arrogance. That stupid "Birthday Chip" crap -- which is not even part of the Big Book.
IF she were truthful, she would have to stop claiming she has 18 years or some such nonsense, which of course has now compounded because she has been lying about it for so many years. Otherwise she could already be back up to 7 or 8, and our family would not have been put through all this misery.
About the only folks she has fooled on it all anymore are the AA Gossip Girls, who scream four letter words at me in AA/Alanon parking lot because of all the lies she has told them, regarding me. I now consider all that as a pretty good indicator of where their collective programs are at. The Gossip Girls are the ones who do the Chip stuff with her, now, and the kids and I just roll our eyes and sit it out.
==================
How it works
RARELY HAVE we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I was told a slip is at the end of a relapse. Relapse is a process, it doesn't just happen out of the blue. In terms of AA, it's typically when people stop going to meetings or cut back a great deal. People, places and things can trigger a relapse. Hanging out with heavy drinkers, going to bars, etc.
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