BryanM

I went to a meeting locally within the last few days (I don't want to give out specifics because I don't want to point out where or who it was). It was my first time to this meeting. I walked in and sat at a table with one other person, That person must have recognized someone and went to sit with them about 5 minutes later, leaving me to sit by myself. The normal preamble went through but the chairperson did not ask about newcomers or anything like that. I ended up leaving about 30 minutes into it without having being acknowledged in any way. I'm not exactly unapproachable ... I wasn't even wearing my leather trenchcoat! I was well groomed ... ummm ... I don't know .. but it felt very "clicky" like nobody else should have been there except the established group. I am disappointed because it's very close to my house.

Anyway, just wanted to vent and see if anyone else has had any similar experiences.

LBrain

that seems to be the norm around these parts. Not so much not acknowledging newcomers and such, but it is definitely a click. Without question. Some groups compete with each other. Or rather, point out what's 'wrong' with other groups. A big turnoff for sure.
I think you'll have to go through an initiation period - show up every meeting for a few months while they feel you out. Of course I live in a small town.
It's unfortunate but it happens.

IOAA2

Hi.
I understand, however certainly that is not how most meetings are run. At the next meeting it will be entirely different.
Just like people meetings have their own characteristics, there are no rules that go 1,2,3 and so on. The same people are there that are driving on the road or at the check out at the market and mostly want to help others. There are obvious exceptions and after a lot of years I have stopped going to meetings that I don’t like for various reasons, BUT I still go to meetings for my remember whens and to perhaps help another alcoholic.

BE WELL

Xtreem

I'd go back a time or two just to make sure.

Just because that meeting that night may have been odd and they had clicks, does not mean all of the people share that mentality or that it is true.

I'd cont. to go back regardless, you have a seat there as long as you want one.

desypete

dont get me started on this topic lol

it well known most aa members dont do any service work at all and that includes trying to help new comers who come to the rooms of aa

they talk about there 12 steps and how there changed blah blah but when it comes down to giving anything back to aa or helping out sadly there lives are to busy for that

i went to a meeting out of my area so i was new face, i was outside having a smoke before the meeting with some aa memebers who i didnt know
not one of them asked me am i new
they ignored me and just chatted away to there regulars

the best part was when the meeting was thrown open for shares and many of them were telling the room that there changed people and that they thanks aa for it and for the people who helped them when they were first around

so i had a share in the meeting and i pulled no punches in mentioning how no one even asked me if i was new or took any interest in me whatsoever, it was clear i was aiming my share at those who had already said how much there changed people : )

the new comer is the most important person in any aa room or they should be and everyone in that room should be there to try to help a new comer when they come in its part of the 12th step but more importantly its the help we give out that sticks with the new comers and when they get to be regulars they will always remember the help that was given to them and they can then do the same for new comers when they come in

i am sorry you experienced what you did , if you had come along to any of my area meetings you would of got a much more kinder and helpful approach
we put new comers first and if anyone from out of the area comes visiting they will get greeted and made at home

there are small pockets of friends that people might call clicks but thats only natural as there people who have helped each other and grown closer to each other but they wouldnt exclude anyone new or shouldnt do

have a look around and try different meetings is the best bet there should be plenty of people around who do work there 12th step
good luck to you

ScottFromWI

I have has similar experiences. In the workplace, at churches, at social gatherings, conferences.... The point is that sometimes groups of people act that way. The fact that it was an AA meeting is largely irrelavant, you just experinced some bad individual behavior. Remember what your goal is, and maybe try a different time or a different meeting. You'll find a group that works.

Nonsensical

I got on a bus yesterday with a bunch of strangers and everyone ignored me. Same thing happened at the waiting room in the doctor's office. I didn't talk to them and they didn't talk to me.

Should an AA meeting be different? Well...maybe. I think I'd just expect them to act like ordinary people, though.

heath480

You would get a better response in the Alcoholism 12 step support forum.

Discussing AA is against the rules in the newcomers forum.

biminiblue

desy, you crack me up.


To the original post:

I know groups of people gravitate to others they know, but coming from sitting at home by myself with a bottle of rum and a TV, with no friends - I wasn't about to be the one trying to worm my way into these cliques. I went for over three months, over 140 meetings at seven different locations and only two people reached out to me. I swear I don't smell, or drool. I even have all my teeth.

I mentioned that each group should have a Service Position of Greeter. That person could plug newcomers into the group personally. Maybe get them a schedule and a list of phone numbers, and then organize a follow up phone call to that newcomer. In AA you're expected to do all the calling yourself as a newcomer. That just doesn't work with an isolated alcoholic. Someone needs to reach out to them.


I'd love to be a newcomer at one of desypete's meetings. I have a feeling he knows what to do. His point is well made that if no one reaches out, how will the newcomer learn to do it himself? Behavior needs to be modeled by a more seasoned member, IMO.

FreeOwl

That's unfortunate. I know that sometimes a meeting chair forgets to ask and welcome newcomers. I always try to keep and eye out for new faces and welcome them, ask if they're new.

Our primary purpose is to stay sober and carry our message to the alcoholic who still suffers. It's a shame when that is forgotten.

I hope you'll give AA another shot. Hopefully that meeting was an anomaly. It is a powerful program and if you stick with it I really believe you will find that this experience was an unfortunate standout from the norm.

desypete

everyone in aa should be able to remember how scard they was when they came to there first meeting
should they be differnt than a drs rooms or on a bus dam right they should
you dont get on a bus to get help with a personal problem like drinking, and your certainly not going to go into a drs waiting room and expect to find help from others sitting there with you about your drinking problem

people come to aa for help with a drink problem and its down to each member to remember what they were like in there first meeting and to offer out that hand of friendship

if no one helped me when i first came into aa i wouldnt be sober today i would of stayed in my flat and just carreid on drinking as no one cared

but the care and love i got from the people in aa when i first went in blown me away
they not only welcomed me to the meeting but they sat with me they talked with me, they gave me there phone numbers
i didnt have a phone back then but at least they offered, and some even gave me lifts around meetings and introduced me to people
some came and kept me company in my flat as i was alone and in a mess and they gave me money for food etc

thats what should be given out at least in an aa room, its part of working there 12th step, like i have said not many seem to understand that side of the steps as they focus on steps 1 - 11 which is all about them

silentrun

I went to one AA meeting at a year sober just so I could remind myself out loud that yes I really do have a problem. It ended up being a step meeting and they broke off into groups. Nobody helped me figure out anything. I was wandering around trying to figure out where to go. I was OK with that because I was actually afraid people would be all over me because I was new.
It's going to be up to you to figure out what you need. Nobody else is responsible for reading your situation and filling in. You are going to need help along the way and you will have to learn to speak up and ask. I didn't feel the need to go back but if you do walk in and tell someone you are new and would like some help.

gippy1968

I've had this happen a few times. I travel a fair bit for work and love to hit meetings in different cities. I always make it a point to introduce myself to the group if not asked to during the preamble.

People are people everywhere and some just have plain old bad manners.

Keep going and try introducing/identifying yourself to the group.

Mountainmanbob

Some of these AA groups (I hate to say) are a little clickish.
It may take some time to meet and be close to ones there.
Remember, they are not all well.
We should be able to relate to that.
You deserve a seat there just as much as anyone else - if wanted.
MM

Dee74

Just for the sake of clarity:

It's not against the rules to discuss AA here - you might be confusing the issue with the secular forum, Heath?

Discussing AA or any other recovery method is fine in the Newcomers forum - debating/arguing/flaming about those methods is not, and that's what the rule is about.

Hope you find a meeting where you feel welcome Bryan

D