mischa1

So I hired this woman process server. She was reasonable. 55.00. Unlimited attempts. She comes to my house and picks up the paperwork for me. She was In the area. She's really interesting. We talked for an hour. She left here just before 9pm. She calls me at 945. She tells me he was served at 932 tonight. She said he was pretty drunk stumbling up the sidewalk. I'm sure it was a Saturday night buzz ball run at the liquor store. The timing is right. She walks up to him and cheerfully says . His name and he says yes. And then she says his full name and he says yes. She say. Congratulations. You have been severed temporary restraining order. Then he's says. This is the real **** isn't it? She says yes it is. Then she filled out her paperwork and filed it at the police station. Texted me just now that it's all done.

I feel sad for him. He's clearly not doing well and I hate that. It's so hard to have to protect yourself from someone you love and is supposed to love and protect me. I hope this is a big wake up call for him. I hope he gets some help. I hate that it looks like he's going to be homeless soon. I hate a lot of things. Especially all the abuse and manipulation he so freely dished out to me all day and all night. He wasn't all bad and we had some good times. We laughed a lot but we were not happy. I don't understand what happen. I have no idea why he turned on me and I have to accept I will never have any closure. I will never understand. He will never care what he did to me and what he put me through. He will never be sorry.

honeypig

Mischa, I think this is likely true, and your path forward can't depend on understanding what happened or getting closure. I can't imagine how hard it must have been to go thru all the steps of taking out the TRO--you've shown strength and persistence in taking action in this way. Keep on taking care of yourself.

FeelingGreat

Mischa, you did what you had to do, hurtful as it is (to you). It will be good for him to be given some limits so he can stop banging his head on a brick wall.

Please enjoy your peace, guilt free.

LexieCat

I'm glad he was served. Now you must ENFORCE that order--report any and all violations immediately. One thing that a lot of abusers do when they are served with an order is to test your willingness to enforce it. They dance around and come as close as they can, eventually crossing the line. Give them an inch or even a hint that you don't really mean it, and it can escalate quickly into a very bad situation.

It's fine to feel compassion for his situation, but he has the ability to change it. His behavior is what caused you to get the order. If I were you, I'd keep it in place until he has not only been sober for a substantial period of time, but also completed (successfully) a batterer's intervention program.

Santa

I do, and it's not difficult. All I have to do is read your posts over the past few months to know this man is mentally ill -- very seriously mentally ill. Once you internalize that FACT, you might have better success getting closure.

If you have any ideas about not calling the police if/when he violates the PFA order, expect further chaos at the hands of a deranged man. ONE call, ONE text, ONE drive by your place is a violation. A PFA only works when you insist on enforcement. As a gotcha or scare tactic, it's nothing. Good luck to you.

mischa1

I just told my apt manager that I have restraint order for DV. I told him if he sees him to call 911. So even if I'm not here my place is being kept an eye on. I will call 911 ASAP If there is ANY interaction at all. Having him attempt to FORCE me to kiss him while his arm is wrapped around my throat squeezing as I resist and say no was enough for me. What if we had been at his place alone (we were I his car when he strangled me) and he wanted sex and I said no. It would be rape time for Mischa. No thanks. I'm all good on the rape. Don't need that. As sad as I am I am equally fearful. He is completely out of control of himself and there is no limit to what he could do. I feel confident that he will end up in prison and I feel confident that he will force me to put him there. Honestly. It might be the best place for him. Kind of a forced time out. Idk what will happen to him but I know I will keep myself safe. I will react appropriately to his actions and will not feel guilty for doing what I have to do. He doesn't feel guilty for all the insane abuse he has put me through. And that is that. Life WILL go on and this too shall pass.

FeelingGreat

Well said Mischa. Although it sounds like we're talking about a toddler, enforced boundaries and time-out is how you deal with out-of-control behaviour.

love4menotu

I have closure in a different way mischa...

My closure is that I never have to be frightened in my own home, verbally abused on a weekly basis and afraid about how my children will be damaged from witnessing their mother being screamed at again and again.

I have no idea how my xh lives now, and I don't care. I'm happy every day that I got away from that person. He lives in a hell of his own making, and I'm free of it.

That's my closure. worth every penny I spent on a lawyer.

You are very brave. Keep going, one foot in front of the other. It does get better. A year after my divorce I am happily in another relationship.. The happiest of my life. If I had stayed with x, I would be a shell of a person. Instead? I'm finally who I've always wanted to be. Me!!!

L

mischa1

Thank you for the support. It's so much harder than you think once it's done and you start thinking for yourself again. I'm having a hard time leaving the house but in a few months when it's all through the courts and we are no longer married things will be easier. This next week will be hard but I'll get through it and it will get better and better.

amy55

mischa, I know it is really hard, but you are doing great. Just know you are not alone. We are here with you.