Wanting a Real Relationship

Old 11-01-2014, 07:34 AM
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Fez
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Wanting a Real Relationship

I have been married for 23 years until this past June to an AH. It was over a long time before the papers were filed. I totally shut down with him. I am- I think- ready for a new relationship. However, I want it to be a healthy one. I want what I've wanted for years. I know I don't need a relationship to make me whole. I want one. I don't need anyone to take care of me, I can do that on my own. I am self supportive- independent, all those things. My ExAH helped very much in developing my independence.

Lately I have been on those internet dating sites. I have went out with two men. Both nothing I would have for long term. I am frustrated that its not happening as fast as I would like. I want a boyfriend.

Am I being silly, or unrealtistic? Is it ok to want a boyfriend. I know I can live without one. I want the total package though and will not settle for anything less. I tend to find that most of the men on these dating sites are looking for just sex.

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Old 11-01-2014, 07:42 AM
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Originally Posted by Fez View Post
I have been married for 23 years until this past June to an AH. It was over a long time before the papers were filed. I totally shut down with him. I am- I think- ready for a new relationship. However, I want it to be a healthy one. I want what I've wanted for years. I know I don't need a relationship to make me whole. I want one. I don't need anyone to take care of me, I can do that on my own. I am self supportive- independent, all those things. My ExAH helped very much in developing my independence.

Lately I have been on those internet dating sites. I have went out with two men. Both nothing I would have for long term. I am frustrated that its not happening as fast as I would like. I want a boyfriend.

Am I being silly, or unrealtistic? Is it ok to want a boyfriend. I know I can live without one. I want the total package though and will not settle for anything less. I tend to find that most of the men on these dating sites are looking for just sex.

Good for you for getting out in one piece! You sound very strong.

No, you are not unrealistic or silly to want a real relationship. I don't think you should settle as I don't settle and know many women who also have not settled. It just takes time to meet people and "click."

I know 1 person who met her now husband on an internet dating site, but I know 5 people who have had TERRIBLE experiences on dating sites. In my observation of my friends internet dating isn't a good place to meet people, but I have never tried it so I don't know much about it other than those examples. Are you meeting people other ways?

You know, dating post-alcoholic-relationships could be a WHOLE NEW FORUM.
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Old 11-01-2014, 07:48 AM
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Fez.....I think it is normal to want a boyfriend.

At the risk of sounding like an old fossil....I would like to put in a word for finding a partner the old fashioned way.
That means putting yourself into target-rich environments and being involved in life, yourself. This is where you can meet the quality men---and, have the ability to inspect the stock up close before engaging with them.
This helps to avoid dates with people that you wouldn't want to be caught dead with.

I'm not saying that something good can't possibly come from internet dating....but, regular methods can help to avoid all the duds.

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Old 11-01-2014, 07:52 AM
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be very wary of internet dating i tired it and ended up dating a good few women from there i soon found out the hard way that all is not what it may seem with internet dating and the people who we meet from there

i have come to the conclusion that its just not safe, as people pretend to be what there not online on those sites and its very easy to be taken in

i will go one step futher and sorry if this offends anyone but i think you will be far more likely to end up finding someone with huge problems on those site that there not doing anything to address than out in the real world

but i had to find this out at my own cost i was about 4 years sober at the time when i thought i needed a female in my life
today i dont need anyone in my life other than my kids there my life and my aa of course i am quite happy being on my own when it comes to living with someone else

beside i have my own problems myself once anyone gets past the roses stages and that feeling of infatuation dies whats left ?
2 people with habbits and ways of life that will either drive you nuts or you can cope with
can anyone cope with my snoring ?
what about my farting in bed ?
these are the things that i dont want pretty ladies to know about me and i would try to hide them until its to late lol

all joking aside please be careful you would be better off joining some sort of club that you have an interest in and finding someone who shares that interest rather than online
good luck to you
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Old 11-01-2014, 08:00 AM
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I am with you on wanting a boyfriend. In January I joined one of the sites for a year. Then met XABF, through my hairdresser. He and I were on and off for 8 months until last month.

I've been heartbroken but not destroyed. I am giving myself time to grieve and going to Al-anon. I have not given up hope to find the right man for me.

Fez, you are strong and resilient. Let us know how things proceed.



My eyes and heart will not be fooled again. I will proceed with caution, an open heart and humor.
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Old 11-01-2014, 08:12 AM
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can anyone cope with my snoring ?
what about my farting in bed ?


lol Desypete!

I've been trying to meet people though clubs, politics, dogs, special interests...... it's crazy out there. Many acquaintances I know, did meet their current spouses on line. Yes, you do meet losers, so be smart and careful. Online dating is not all bad.

Eternal optimist & cynic,

FeliciaM

Last edited by FeliciaM; 11-01-2014 at 08:13 AM. Reason: spell
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Old 11-01-2014, 08:13 AM
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I agree with the others that just living your life and getting involved with groups, etc can help you meet people and feel less alone.

As for relationships, I get that, too. A year ago I would have said, "Scr*w men. I'm done with them." But, I know that I will eventually be looking to date in the future(once I'm well into my single hood) and I have the same concerns as you. Last weekend, I took my dog hiking and at the base of the trail is a large grassy park. I was standing in the shade of a tree working with my dog on some commands and a guy came over with his dog to compliment my well behaved dog(yeah, right, LOL). We stood and chatted for about 15 minutes and he asked for my phone number. Seriously??? I think I knew his dog's name but not his, LOL!
Anyway, my point is: just living life and getting out there is a great way to meet people.

Have you tried a new sport lately? Tennis is popular and I play and have met lots of great people at clubs in our town. What about joining a hiking or running club? A singles group that is activity based?
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Old 11-01-2014, 08:55 AM
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Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
I agree with the others that just living your life and getting involved with groups, etc can help you meet people and feel less alone.

As for relationships, I get that, too. A year ago I would have said, "Scr*w men. I'm done with them." But, I know that I will eventually be looking to date in the future(once I'm well into my single hood) and I have the same concerns as you. Last weekend, I took my dog hiking and at the base of the trail is a large grassy park. I was standing in the shade of a tree working with my dog on some commands and a guy came over with his dog to compliment my well behaved dog(yeah, right, LOL). We stood and chatted for about 15 minutes and he asked for my phone number. Seriously??? I think I knew his dog's name but not his, LOL!
Anyway, my point is: just living life and getting out there is a great way to meet people.

Have you tried a new sport lately? Tennis is popular and I play and have met lots of great people at clubs in our town. What about joining a hiking or running club? A singles group that is activity based?
Liz, you made me laugh. Once you are single, you will be hit on a lot doing outdoor dog activities. Dog parks, the beach, mountains, you name it. If its an outdoor place with dogs, there are single men somewhere around. In that world, I found that men split into 2 categories: the mature ones and the immature but fun ones.
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Old 11-01-2014, 09:10 AM
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I'm looking for a girlfriend...??????

a girlfriend will be next on my list. going through this alone is no fun.
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Old 11-01-2014, 09:13 AM
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As strong as I am, Popeye still needs an olive oyl.

just a little humor

"I am what I am"
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Old 11-01-2014, 11:55 PM
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I met Mr. Grits on match.com. I was a single mom working full-time and didn't have any spare time to speak of. But in all of my years of dating, I met a ton of men I'd never consider relationship material. I made some good friends who are happily married to other women now, and I'm grateful for those friendships. Even when I met my husband, I wasn't in a good place, and I pushed him away. I didn't want to suck him into the family drama with AM. When I decided my life didn't revolve around her anymore and started working on myself, things started falling into place. He was actually the one who made first contact after a year, and I said that if God was bringing him back to me for a reason, then who was I to say no? It went where it went and we're together almost five years later with our big, crazy family (2 kids each from our first marriages, and our 2yo girl). Anyway, online dating is a minefield, but you can find someone there. You just have to have the backbone to say "Next!" when it isn't working out.
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Old 11-02-2014, 10:51 AM
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Of course it's normal to want a bf. There are many options for meeting one and online is one of the options. When I was newly single (after 20 years) I thought of online dating as a numbers game. Most dates would not lead anywhere but a certain percentage would.

I had a couple of bfs from online, then eventually started dating a man at work and we are together and happy for 15 years.

My dad passed away four years ago. After his death, my 82 yo mother dated men from online but has settled into a steady relationship with a man she met at a dancing class.

Don't give up! Be careful, open minded and keep a sense of humor about it. Good luck to you.
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Old 11-02-2014, 11:57 AM
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Amusing . . . .

Amy Webb: How I hacked online dating - YouTube

Published on Oct 2, 2013
Amy Webb was having no luck with online dating. The dates she liked didn't write her back, and her own profile attracted crickets (and worse). So, as any fan of data would do: she started making a spreadsheet. Hear the story of how she went on to hack her online dating life -- with frustrating, funny and life-changing results.
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