Calmwater

Hi. I've been reading a lot on the forum and trying to work things out in my own head this last week. About a week and a half ago, found out AH is in trouble again. I've had pretty minimal contact with him in the last few months, and he has again managed to lose everything he had gained. He was basically living on friend's couches and in his truck, which the police took one night when he stayed with his mom. I don't know, and don't want to know, exactly what he's been up to. This is so crazy. He did actually admit to using meth to his mom, and agreed to enter treatment. They texted to tell me that they (he and his mom) where coming over so he could say goodbye to the boys. My oldest called me upset and I ended up having to leave work to deal with the situation.

I believe he is now facing multiple felony charges. He was a mess when he came to the house, asked the boys for forgiveness, talked to them for a few minutes, then wanted to talk to me. He was crying, begging me to hold him, telling me how sorry he was, how scared he was. I hugged him and let him fall asleep on my bed, and then went and talked to his mom. I guess they are trying to get him into a treatment center, but there are waiting lists when you have no money. I thought when they left that would be at least a break for us, but for the next week he called every day wanting me to come over, or bring the kids, so he could have company.

I kept making excuses. I'm not proud of that, but every time I tried to talk to him about what we needed, it got buried under his overwhelming need, and he would get angry and start the guilt and manipulation. So Saturday morning he shows up and asks if we could please go to breakfast and talk. It was more of the same, more what he's entitled to, more threats about his rights to see the boys when he wants, how I'm to blame for this situation as well (I'm not saying I'm not, mind you, but really??? I made my choices too, however deflecting blame onto me doesn't sound like someone who's in recovery) After being clean all of 5 days, he gave me pamplets from NA, told me I needed to learn to let the past go, and explained that I needed to be a parent to our boys, not their friend. OMG... I did ok, didn't throw my plate at him, and was firm on my boundaries. I did finally lose it on the way home, and raised my voice, at which point he told me that triggered something in his head and I couldn't do that because it made him him feel like burning my house down. Then he said he wouldn't ever hurt me or my family, he just got really upset sometimes. Who says that?!!

So he calls later in the day and apologized for his behavior, asks if I want to try again the next day. No thank you. This ended with him telling me that he was going to come out of this better and stronger then ever and I was going to regret not standing behind him. Since then we're in no contact, at least for two weeks.

His mother's partner also sends me a text saying that she and his mom can't really afford all this and that I should take some ownership of the situation because "don't I still care about AH and his mom?" Really??? I'm living with my parents right now! We have nothing! I had gotten some money and AH asked to borrow some to pay for a lawyer and I said no, so I'm greedy. I can buy my kids some new beds, get the braces two of them need started, and have a little in savings, or gee, I could take "ownership" of AH's problems.

I was doing pretty well, taking a deep breath, grateful for the couple weeks of respite, and hoping that my lawyer got back to me, when I got a text from his mom today. It was really nice, she loves and misses us, happy Halloween, and AH is doing very, very well. It made me feel invaded. I don't care how he's doing right now. I want space to breath. I don't want this drama in my life anymore. I haven't responded, I put the phone down and went back to what I was doing.

My AH is not well, he is a toxic person right now, to himself and to us. I am trying to work through feelings of sadness, frustration, maybe even some guilt, fear, lots of stuff... This relationship lasted over 20 some years. I'm working with a counselor and a support group. I need to tell him that, at least for now, I'm done, I just can't do this anymore. I thought I'd feel better if he got into treatment, I thought maybe we could work though things, but I just can't. I am horrified with who he has become, and the things he has done on this path. I am getting stronger all the time, but it's so darn hard. I wish I had more time and space without all this pressure. I can choose to not answer, but we will eventually have to come to some agreement with the kids, even if it's just supervised visitation. I know it's awful, but there's a part of me that thinks, well, maybe he'll just get arrested, and I and the boys can be free of all this, just for awhile.

Sorry this was so long, I am having trouble sleeping tonight and just needed to get some of this out of my head.

Xtreem

I would hate to sound condescending, but all I can think to say is ....

God does not give us more than we can handle one day at a time.

I doubt that's much comfort now, but it has always seemed true in my life.

Some times I think, he thinks, I can handle more than I think I can ;-)

I really enjoyed reading the post and wish you the best. not much wisdom I can offer, I just hope the venting helped...at least a little.

djlook

Hello, Calmwater

Thank you for sharing your story in depth. There will be many people here shortly who will share their experience, strength, and hope with you, and please keep posting.

I attend AlAnon meetings, have for a year, and they have helped me tremendously, along with reading a lot here at SR. SR is a forum of ladies and gentlemen who are brutally honest, and their unselfish sharing has been unbelievably healing for me, especially in the wee hours of the morning. They each have something unique to contribute.

Children do not deserve to suffer the brunt of an addict's choices. My son is doing the same thing to my grandchildren but there's nothing I can do about it. They're not in my custody. Children can't protect themselves. We have to protect them. I had my 8-year-old twin grandchildren stay with me earlier this month and they're already being affected. They make excuses for their dad losing his job, not being able to go to work because of _______ (fill in the blanks).

I attended a recovery meeting last night and the topic was about the alcoholic/addict being a tornado roaring through people's lives, and that's exactly what my son does. He's seductive and charming when he wants something, but then as soon as I or anyone else doesn't dance to his music and refuses to give him what he wants he turns on them and totally cuts them out of his life, only to reappear with more of the same. He is so cruel.

I've learned through my attendance at AlAnon meetings and from the people here at SR that I don't have to live in fear, anxiety, sadness, frustration, getting my hopes up only to be disappointed. I came to the point to where I had to get off the merry-go-round.

I'm going through a rough time right now too so I've picked up on my meetings and have been reading more here on the forum because I just can't do this by myself.

So it's not all about my son today. It's more about what I need to do and can do for myself and my husband. My husband is my son's stepfather and he doesn't deserve what I've allowed my son to do to our lives.

I will pray for you and your children.

Ann

Calmwater, meth users often experience paranoia and can become quite dangerous, not even aware of what they are doing. Before I say anything else, I need to strongly suggest you keep yourself and your children safe from this man. He may love you all but when the drugs distort his mind, you are not safe. Nor is his mother or anyone else who may be seen to be "against" him....when that is not even close to the truth. My son used meth and for that reason alone I gave up all contact with him.

What helped me through all the bad times and continues to help me today, is live meetings. Al-anon, Nar-anon and CoDA are three similar fellowships that have helped many of us here find our balance and reclaim our lives. Please seek out some meetings in your area and give them a try...you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

If he wants help, when he wants help, help IS available to him. Salvation Army Rehabs are free, long term and very good. It doesn't take money to get clean..and money cannot buy clean if the addict is not willing.

The real help is out there for him, free rehabs, NA meetings, detox and even counseling at shelters.

So please do not feel guilty letting go. It may be the kindest, most loving thing you ever do for him. Now it's up to him to do something for himself...and he can...when he is ready and willing.

Big hugs and lots of prayers for you and your family.

zoso77

When sick people use NA or AA in this manner and not the way those programs are meant to be used, it really tells a lot about that person and how they think.

< rolling eyes >

Next time your mother's partner pulls something like this, simply tell her what goes on between you and your AH is none of her business. I mean, really? It's bad enough that she stuck her nose where it doesn't belong. What makes it worse is she doesn't know WTF she's talking about. Speaking personally, I have no patience for people like that. You shouldn't, either.

If you want to be done with your AH's act, at least for now, then simply be done. That's what you tell him. And then get your life back together through counseling and support groups. My guess is your AH is nowhere near ready to embrace recovery. And that's what you have to assume going forward.

Keep us posted.

Calmwater

Thank you all so much for the support and replies. It can all be so overwhelming sometimes, and it helps to talk it through. My support group has been wonderful, but that's only once a week. Maybe I do need to look for more, but I only have so much time and energy. I'm taking some online classes, working full time, helping the boys with their schoolwork, just busy lol! I've also been trying to make sure we all have some fun in our lives, it can't all be about this.

We do go to counseling sessions, and talk about everything when the boys need to. They are all old enough to know what's going on, so I try to be honest, without saying anything derogatory about their dad. They are very frustraited too. They are all teens, my oldest is 18, so they have their own opinions and thoughts. My youngest really wanted to dye his hair purple, so I finally caved and let him, lol. I think that's why I was accused of being a friend and not a parent. That and the fact that I don't make them see him. I agree Ann, meth is a terrifying drug. My AH doesn't even seem sane some days. My counselor has advised that as another boundary I tell him that he is not allowed just to show up again, and if he does we will have to call the police. I hate the fact that this is probably going to get very ugly. I, like most codependants, hate conflict. He has never physically hurt any of us, I just don't know who he is anymore though. Keeping the boys safe is my highest priority. They are all a a lot bigger then me at this point, but they are still my babies. They should not be having to deal with this!

I do need to find a way to reconcile the past AH with the present one of the last couple years. I still love the person I married. I don't even like or respect the person I'm dealing with now. I don't even know if, (big if) he got clean, and somehow managed to return to the person he was, if I could get past all this. He's hurt us all too much, I think, at this point, and I'm mourning that. I've told him that he shouldn't even be worrying about our relationship right now, he should be focasing on himself. That's what I'm trying to do. He is not a reasonable person right now though. I feel very much as if the kids and I are just a security blanket for when he's sad, or scared, and you know what? We're worth more then that.

Thank you all again. I am listening to all the input I get here, and it helps so much.

Ann

Those are very wise words. I would also talk to your own lawyer and get advice on what your rights are, what you can and cannot do to protect your children and to protect yourself.

I am so glad you are with your family, bless them for helping you through this. Just keep doing what you are doing...courses and working and recovery, and one day soon you will find that life is not as frightening anymore and you and your children can live in peace.

And, not that all addicts fall into this category, but my son had lots of clean times, once as long as 3 years. It was hanging on to it and staying on a good path that he could never seem to do. So he left 2 children and several broken hearts behind him each time he decided to start using drugs again.

Thinking that "this time it will be different" is rarely the case. Some DO find and keep recovery, we have many here at SR who have done just that, so it's not hopeless....but it's not worth risking your life and the lives of your children to wait and see how it all turns out for your husband. It could be a long and dangerous wait.

I truly do pray for you and your family, you are doing your part and I know God will do His part to take care of your needs ahead.

Hugs