He will never know the damage...

Old 10-31-2014, 08:23 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
iamthird's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 609
He will never know the damage...

...he has caused.

Today I am sitting in my Dr office because my hearing is horrible resultant of the damage of the radiation and chemo I had last year. Cancer may be in remission but I still have other physical challenges as a result. It is very hard to engage with children, at work and socially when I cannot hear much. People have to yell for me to hear them. It is rough on me and everyone around me.

This morning is DD6 first Halloween parade at school. She was so excited. However my dr is one of the best in California and always overbooked and his nurse pushed my appt up to today because she knows how I am struggling and how I fought the cancer as a single mom. So she scheduled me this morning before everyone else, so I had to take appt or I cannot get in until January. So needless to say nobody would be there today to watch her. Coming from a parents who never attended anything I know how that feels to look for parents and not see yours.

So like an idiot I reached out to separated AH last night to see if he would mind going so she would have at least one parent there. He gave me an attitude and said its my fault hes not going and if he had his daughter regularly, he wouldnt mind going today. He said that he doesnt want the first time he sees her in awhile to be at her parade. (He doesnt have any visitation right now until custody issues are worked out as I am asking for supervised visitation).

Its like I have the most minimal contact with him right now and every time he has any way to hurt me, he does. I know I made the mistake by reaching out yesterday. I just have to resolve myself to the fact that he just does not care about our daughter's feelings or emotions. He does not see that he is doing the same thing to our daughter that his alcoholic father and drug addicted mother did to him.

Anyway, the world isnt over and we will still have a Happy Halloween. I will pick her up early today and I am working our church festival today which she is so excited about and we will make it a great one. I just had to vent this out here because I know only you guys understand what I am feeling this morning. If it wasnt enough that I am going through all the physical challenges of not being able to hear, being a working single mother, I am also dealing with emotional sadness of the reality and mourning of my husband that has been lost to this disease.

He will never know the damage he has caused to everyone around him. Or he knows and does not care. Not sure which is worse....
iamthird is offline  
Old 10-31-2014, 09:01 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Thumper's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Awww Sending warm thoughts out to you and your daughter today. (((hug)))
Thumper is offline  
Old 10-31-2014, 09:02 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
hopeful4's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Awe sweetie, I am so sorry about this situation and about your hearing. I hope you get good news today from the doctor.

There are a couple of kids in my DD's class who don't get to have a parent at events. There is always an extra parent that adopts them in and they always have a blast. So, don't beat yourself up about this. She will have a great time today and tonight too!

Tight Hugs, Happy Halloween!
hopeful4 is offline  
Old 10-31-2014, 09:27 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Hollywood, FL
Posts: 86
What hopeful4 said.

My daughters father doesn't get the hurt he caused her and never will. His mental capacity is stunted. Daughter is an adult now and her father still will not acknowledge any of his wrong doings. She doesn't he's dense.

Do the best you can and make friends with another single mom that is going through the same type things. We understand each other and support each others kids when needed.
FeliciaM is offline  
Old 10-31-2014, 10:16 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
FireSprite's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Aw, I'm sorry for DD. If it's any consolation to you I have to pick & choose which events I can attend at my DD's school - there's no way I could be present for everything that they do all year long. It stinks but it's reality.

It's stinks that he's really trying to hurt YOU but is striking out at DD instead.
FireSprite is offline  
Old 10-31-2014, 01:10 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Good for you going to the Doctor and getting looked at. I am sure that she will never remember that you didn't make it to the party. Us mom's live with such guilt!!

Don't worry, I bet you are the best Mom and your daughter knows that and is blessed to have you!! Enjoy your trick or treating and be grateful for today!!

Happy Halloween!!
maia1234 is offline  
Old 10-31-2014, 03:47 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 113
Originally Posted by iamthird View Post
He will never know the damage he has caused to everyone around him. Or he knows and does not care. Not sure which is worse....

He knows and does not care. That's worse for me and I think that is my stbxh. He has said to me I know I know it's my fault and I blame you but i do it all. He does say it every now and then so somewhere in there HE KNOWS!!!!!

BIG HUGZZZZ
mischa1 is offline  
Old 10-31-2014, 09:59 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
iamthird's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 609
Well DD6 is sound asleep now! We had a fantastic day and night. She had so much fun at our church carnival, candy in abundance, games galore and a hayride!!! I am so peaceful tonight as head hits pillow. Started off a little emotional but ending confidently knowing I am doing the right thing!

Thank you for the support!!
iamthird is offline  
Old 11-01-2014, 05:58 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
CodeJob's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Dear heart,

You have fought so hard to literally survive. Your daughter at some level likely understands that you fought death to be here with her now - today. It is OK to miss an event here and there due to work or a health matter. I'm not sure exactly when we (meaning moms) thought we had to be at EVERY event to show support. What a stupid and unrealistic cultural expectation!

I think it was kind of you to reach out to Your A on behalf of your daughter. The refusal and backlash is just the disease. Flush it like the vomit it is - no reason to spend time studying it.

Hold your head up high. Blast that awful Eye of the Tiger song and have a dance party dressed up in tiger striped pjs. So you can't hear so great? Oh well. If the music is loud enough, you can feel it in your throat, through the floor... Have a conga line and your own silly hallway parade.

Would learning to sign or read lips be a useful skill where you work? Maybe it's time to put energy into a new skill? You are here and present in your daughters life. All will be well.

You really are no longer third. You too, I declare, need a name change!
CodeJob is offline  
Old 11-01-2014, 06:53 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
iamthird's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 609
Thank you Code Job!

Yesterday at the dr. He scheduled me for another tube placement procedure in both ears. He had to submit authorization for that, so now I am just waiting for it to be scheduled. That should improve things for my hearing!

As for work, I emailed most of the people I work with to please have some patience with me and to call my extension, email me or just walk over and tap me on the shoulder versus the "over the wall" cubicle talk. I think that will be a temporary fix at work.

With kiddos, it is a little more challenging. DD6 is so hilarious at times and will get tired of repeating herself so in her little 6 yr old way will say with attitude "just forget it!"...lol! I tell her to pls have patience and she would not make fun of someone who was in a wheelchair, etc..She is pretty good most of the time.

BTW, My name doesnt mean I am Third in life. It is my belief that I serve God first, others second (volunteerism and community, not separated AH) and then myself. Thank you for defending me though, nobody else does! Hee hee!

Of course separated AH quacked and got annoyed that I email him pictures of her on Halloween because then he says I am throwing it in his face he does not have her. However, if I didnt send pics, he would say I am being selfish. I can never win with him, so I just stopped trying!

I am grateful. I am thrilled to be alive. It is very humbling and being ill with Stage 4 cancer for so long is something that will affect me (positively) forever!
iamthird is offline  
Old 11-01-2014, 08:30 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Hollywood, FL
Posts: 86
Third, I admire you! Yes, you are doing right by your daughter. Kids are very smart, they see what the adults in there sphere are doing.

Sounds like the two of you had a wonderful day. Hugs to you!
FeliciaM is offline  
Old 11-08-2014, 05:40 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
iamthird's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 609
I am sitting in church right now crying because I cannot even here the pastor speak because of my hearing. I know this has nothing to do with separated AH, but it is just so isolating when I cannot engage socially. I tried to get out and take DD6 to movie thinking I could hear since it would be loud but there was a lot of dialogue so I could not hear.

Meanwhile, separated AH just goes on, unscathed. This is the part I still struggle with. If he was the partner I needed, I could have him with me to support me through this time. Instead he is circling the drain of his addiction with his enabling gf.

I know I am doing all the right things. I just have sad moments like tonight. Bare with me. It will pass I am sure. Meanwhile, just needed to vent.

I have another ear surgery scheduled for Nov 21st so hopefully that will improve things drastically.
iamthird is offline  
Old 11-08-2014, 06:45 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
FireSprite's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Sending you lots of love & light tonight iamthird...... this feeling will pass & you will overcome it like you have with EVERYTHING else!!!..... but in the meantime ((((((HUGS))))) I will be praying for you on the 21st, GOOD LUCK!
FireSprite is offline  
Old 11-08-2014, 06:47 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
Dojang's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: VA
Posts: 142
Ditto!!! Please take care & I hope all goes well on the 21st.
Dojang is offline  
Old 11-10-2014, 11:09 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
iamthird's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 609
separated AH sends me an email saying because he doesnt have DD6 right now (divorce in process) that he hopes I don't die during my surgery and that if I do die whoever has DD6 on that day should have his number.

He is awful.

This just gives me will to fight harder and keep moving forward. What kind of person says that? Heck I know I think some atrocities at times but to say it!

Anyway, I will update you guys again on the 22nd and hopefully I will be giving a positive report!
iamthird is offline  
Old 11-10-2014, 12:41 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
CodeJob's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Stay positive,

Check out to see if any of these apps can help you? Kind of cool about the Ted talk subtitles. Also liked the CaptionFish...

Top 10 iPhone Apps for People Who Are Deaf or Hard of Hearing | The Accessible Technology Coalition

I'll pray your surgery will be a great success. To be frank, I only listen to the first 5-7 minutes of my pastor. Would he/she be willing to send you the text of his homily so you can read it?

All the best...
CodeJob is offline  
Old 11-10-2014, 12:57 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
sending a hug....
meggem is offline  
Old 11-10-2014, 01:14 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
 
hopeful4's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I hate to say this, but save that text in case you need it for court.

I am so sorry. Praying all things go well for you!
hopeful4 is offline  
Old 11-10-2014, 03:07 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
iamthird's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 609
Yes I have the email. He is blocked on texts. Email is open to have some open communiction in regards to DD6.
iamthird is offline  
Old 11-10-2014, 04:02 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
 
Rosiepetal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
Gosh you have been through an incredible journey & I can say this:
You are a great Mum
You are stronger than you think
You can get through this

I'm so glad you ended up enjoying some of Halloween.

Praying that your hearing will improve in the future.

PS: Being a solo mum is challenging, but it can also be very rewarding & the moments we share with our children are priceless.
Rosiepetal is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:51 AM.