Having trouble with HIS recovery??
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: WA
Posts: 61
Having trouble with HIS recovery??
I hope I can make this make some sense...
My AH has been gone for 2 weeks and as soon as he left he entered a intensive outpaitent program. He has had a problem with alcohol almost his entire life and seems to be trying to work this thru.
He is working hard at work, (which he has always done) and seems so happy. He has already lost 15 lbs since he left and is eating right and exercising. Everytime he comes by the house he seems to be on cloud 9.
I on the otherhand am not doing so well. Although I am happy to not have to worry about his drinking as that was making me unhealthy, I am having a hard time holding "my" life together. It is so hard to just sit back and "work on me" The kids are 5 and 3 and quite a responsibility- I fee like he just comes over when it works for him and I am left to handle all of the responsibilities just like before. My AH doesn't barely acknowledge that I am in the room, and definately doesn't try to be even the least bit supportive that this is all hard on me too. I feel like I have been thru so much crap with him thru all of this and he is still just being the selfish guy he always has been. Maybe he just can't give at all to me right now because of his own recovery, but I am not sure how long I can hold onto this love for him and try to keep this family intact! I am so tired of coming last- heck I would even settle for 4th or 5th, I don't even think of coming first! Am I just supposed to let him walk all over me?
Al Anon seems to be saying that I have some responsibility for where we have been with all the dysfunction of his drinking, but I feel as tho' I did the best I could with what he dealt out. What would any person do if they found out the person they loved had a problem with alcohol? At first I tried to just let it go- thinking maybe it was my attitude since my mom was/is an alcoholic, then I got angry and did the "I am leaving if you don't quit" then I did the "okay I accept you for who you are, can we just have some boundaries on the drinking" ie. not more than two on a week night, and no driving, ect." (worked for not even 1 day!) Finally I said "you need to get healthy and because I love you and I want our marraige to work- you need to leave"
(sorry this is so long winded, I just need to get this out!
)
He tells me now that he just needs time because he has been so unhappy in our relationship and he thinks that is why he has had to be on antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds and why his drinking got so bad! He even went so far as to say "I have always been an alcoholic, but it has only gotten bad since we have been together- doesn't that say something" I was so hurt and shocked.
He isn't wearing his wedding band, and seems so happy without me....I am so scared of losing my marraige. I don't want to be a single mom, and I come from a broken home and don't want my kids to have to deal with all of that!
I feel like I need to give him time, but I am so sick of how he is treating me. My feelings thru this matter too! Isn't recovery a time to work together to solve the problems? I thought recovery would bring us together to work this out, not ruin what was left of this relationship. Help!!
Di
My AH has been gone for 2 weeks and as soon as he left he entered a intensive outpaitent program. He has had a problem with alcohol almost his entire life and seems to be trying to work this thru.
He is working hard at work, (which he has always done) and seems so happy. He has already lost 15 lbs since he left and is eating right and exercising. Everytime he comes by the house he seems to be on cloud 9.
I on the otherhand am not doing so well. Although I am happy to not have to worry about his drinking as that was making me unhealthy, I am having a hard time holding "my" life together. It is so hard to just sit back and "work on me" The kids are 5 and 3 and quite a responsibility- I fee like he just comes over when it works for him and I am left to handle all of the responsibilities just like before. My AH doesn't barely acknowledge that I am in the room, and definately doesn't try to be even the least bit supportive that this is all hard on me too. I feel like I have been thru so much crap with him thru all of this and he is still just being the selfish guy he always has been. Maybe he just can't give at all to me right now because of his own recovery, but I am not sure how long I can hold onto this love for him and try to keep this family intact! I am so tired of coming last- heck I would even settle for 4th or 5th, I don't even think of coming first! Am I just supposed to let him walk all over me?
Al Anon seems to be saying that I have some responsibility for where we have been with all the dysfunction of his drinking, but I feel as tho' I did the best I could with what he dealt out. What would any person do if they found out the person they loved had a problem with alcohol? At first I tried to just let it go- thinking maybe it was my attitude since my mom was/is an alcoholic, then I got angry and did the "I am leaving if you don't quit" then I did the "okay I accept you for who you are, can we just have some boundaries on the drinking" ie. not more than two on a week night, and no driving, ect." (worked for not even 1 day!) Finally I said "you need to get healthy and because I love you and I want our marraige to work- you need to leave"
(sorry this is so long winded, I just need to get this out!
)He tells me now that he just needs time because he has been so unhappy in our relationship and he thinks that is why he has had to be on antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds and why his drinking got so bad! He even went so far as to say "I have always been an alcoholic, but it has only gotten bad since we have been together- doesn't that say something" I was so hurt and shocked.
He isn't wearing his wedding band, and seems so happy without me....I am so scared of losing my marraige. I don't want to be a single mom, and I come from a broken home and don't want my kids to have to deal with all of that!
I feel like I need to give him time, but I am so sick of how he is treating me. My feelings thru this matter too! Isn't recovery a time to work together to solve the problems? I thought recovery would bring us together to work this out, not ruin what was left of this relationship. Help!!
Di
Member
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: houston, tx
Posts: 323
Alcoholics drunk or sober tend to be the most selfish people on this earth. Do not accept any of this blame crap he is trying to dump on you. Nothing you did made him drink or drink more. When he is first getting sober he will probaly not have much time for you. Nothing good can happen unless he stays sober. However him being cruel and saying hurtful thingsa to you is not part of a healthy recovery. Be glad he is going to meedtings but because he is not wearing his wedding ring should be a red flag. Lots of unaccetable behavior goes on in AA. Women and men going beyond 'sharing' on getting sober. Try to make yourself part of his recovery. Ask if you might attend some open AA meetings with him. If things are on the up and up, this should be ok with him. hugs dax
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Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Yreva,
I am afraid of two things about your post. Your fear of losing him, and your guilt over what may have been your part. Those two things leave you vulnerable to being hurt. In recovery you can gain the self esteem you need to not be afraid to take a stand if that is what you choose.
The boundaries you mentioned were all about him...how much he drinks, when and where. My boundaries are about me...I am not conversing with a drunk (I find something else to do), I am not fighting with a drunk, I don't accept any abuse and I do not participate in any drama caused by the drinking.
One more thing...don't let Dax scare you..she had a bad experience. That is the exception not the rule.
Dax...I can't stand it when you cause people to worry any more than they already do. I am sure you have positive experiences in recovery that you can share.
Hugs,
JT
I am afraid of two things about your post. Your fear of losing him, and your guilt over what may have been your part. Those two things leave you vulnerable to being hurt. In recovery you can gain the self esteem you need to not be afraid to take a stand if that is what you choose.
The boundaries you mentioned were all about him...how much he drinks, when and where. My boundaries are about me...I am not conversing with a drunk (I find something else to do), I am not fighting with a drunk, I don't accept any abuse and I do not participate in any drama caused by the drinking.
One more thing...don't let Dax scare you..she had a bad experience. That is the exception not the rule.
Dax...I can't stand it when you cause people to worry any more than they already do. I am sure you have positive experiences in recovery that you can share.
Hugs,
JT
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Although we all did the best with what we had before Al-Anon, alot of our actions and reactions did cause us more drama and chaos. Unless we can take a real honest look at that, we are doomed to keep repeating the same things. There is no solution in blame and self pity.
Learning to care about ourself, doing things to raise our self esteem, keeps us from taking others' blame so personally. When my husband decides to blame me for whatever emotions he is feeling at the time, I can realize that it has nothing to do with me. Realizing that I have my faults, but that I am an attractive, warm, lovable, smart, reliable (the list goes on) person keeps me from falling into the guilt traps that people set for me to take responsibility for what is theirs. It takes time, and work to build that relationship with self. The tools Al-Anon give us are to help us get there. There are no quick fixes.I just try to look for the progress I'm making instead of focussing on not reaching a certain goal in a certain time. I decided that it is a waste of time to get mad at what others are doing. It doesn't change them, and I'm not happy. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. What am I doing today to change me? Hugs, Magic
Learning to care about ourself, doing things to raise our self esteem, keeps us from taking others' blame so personally. When my husband decides to blame me for whatever emotions he is feeling at the time, I can realize that it has nothing to do with me. Realizing that I have my faults, but that I am an attractive, warm, lovable, smart, reliable (the list goes on) person keeps me from falling into the guilt traps that people set for me to take responsibility for what is theirs. It takes time, and work to build that relationship with self. The tools Al-Anon give us are to help us get there. There are no quick fixes.I just try to look for the progress I'm making instead of focussing on not reaching a certain goal in a certain time. I decided that it is a waste of time to get mad at what others are doing. It doesn't change them, and I'm not happy. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. What am I doing today to change me? Hugs, Magic
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: No where
Posts: 79
Yreva
We have spent so long worrying about them that it is really hard to turn it around and think of ourselves, but that is what you have to do. Think of yourself and do what is best for you. Read literature, go to alanon. It takes time. I am fairly new here too and I remember being sooooo angry, I thought my husband was having an affair because he spent so much time at AA. Now I try to go along when I can (not always because sometimes I need that time just for me. I post here often and read lots and lots of posts. I found at first his recovery drove us apart but we are slowly coming together. It's a long process but it seems to be working. Hang in there and think of you.
We have spent so long worrying about them that it is really hard to turn it around and think of ourselves, but that is what you have to do. Think of yourself and do what is best for you. Read literature, go to alanon. It takes time. I am fairly new here too and I remember being sooooo angry, I thought my husband was having an affair because he spent so much time at AA. Now I try to go along when I can (not always because sometimes I need that time just for me. I post here often and read lots and lots of posts. I found at first his recovery drove us apart but we are slowly coming together. It's a long process but it seems to be working. Hang in there and think of you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: houston, tx
Posts: 323
JT- I have had a lot of positive experiences in recovery which I have shared. My children grew up in a stable 2 parent home due to my H getting sober when they were still young. But by any stretch it was not a normal home- my h was gone so much to meetings. I grew very indepent though which is good. I learned not to base my happiness on him. However when two people work their programs, often the relationship suffers. So much seperation is taught. Which is why I recommend the spouse go to open meetings with the alcoholic.
But it is not good to stick your head in the sand and paint an all rosey picture of the program.. This may lead to a disallusioned person many years down the line. Like me. I always recommend a person living with a drunk go to alanon. I just don't agree with every concept in the program. dax
But it is not good to stick your head in the sand and paint an all rosey picture of the program.. This may lead to a disallusioned person many years down the line. Like me. I always recommend a person living with a drunk go to alanon. I just don't agree with every concept in the program. dax
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Inappropriate behavior is not one of the concepts of AA, though it does go on. It goes on in every group of people that gather, from church to work. If someone is seeking recovery, they will stick with the winner, not he and she, and make an effort to get better. That is with Al-Anon too. There are no guarantees on any relationship, period. If someone is going to cheat or find someone else, following them around isn't going to stop that. We can only hope that others will treat us with love and respect, but we can learn to treat ourselves that way and that is a guarantee. M
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Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: houston, tx
Posts: 323
Maigic- i think just hoping others will treat us right is not going to work. You have to earn a person respect- and that often means letting them know you are on to their unacceptable behavior. An through the whole affair and the huge upheveal when I found out. both my husband and the other woman managed to stay sober. So that part of the program worked. I do not believe in let go and let God. I think God helps those who help themselves. I have become cynical after 25 years of AA and alanon meetings. The program is the best thing around for staying sober. But in my opinion [and a lot of other peoples's] it is a fertile field for infidelity due to addicted people talking and sharing a common problem. The y will say the alanon can not relate because we have not been there and had the addiction. My marriage counselor,also in AA, told me this. dax
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
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People are either going to respect you or not. If they don't respect themself, how can they respect you. I am sorry that you had a bad experience, but it wasn't brought on by AA or Al-Anon, whether you want to believe that or not. Individual people made an individual choice to have an affair. If two people in a church have an affair, is it the church's fault? If two people at work have an affair, is it the workplaces fault? There is no solution in blaming and holding on to resentments. I am sorry that you chose to be cynical. I guess you have your reasons for holding on to that anger. I just don't think that is an example I want to follow. M
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
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Dax
Some men have affairs, some sober men, some drunks, some upstanding citizens and some scum of the earth...and I'm sorry yours did.
But don't paint all men with the same brush. You man was unfaithful, and probably would have been whereever he was, and I really AM sorry. But to generalize about AA, as you have done in the past and are doing now, does a great injustice to a wonderful organization.
With love in my heart I am saying, please knock it off with the AA bashing. Post about you, what works for you and how you are working your program today. I really don't want to hear you speak anymore about how AA is a breeding ground of unfaithful people. It's simply not true, and as stated above you will find good people and bad people everywhere you go, and if some of them find their way to AA well maybe they will learn something from the other 99% of wonderful people there and stop.
But enough already with the bashing.
Tolerant Hugs
Ann
Some men have affairs, some sober men, some drunks, some upstanding citizens and some scum of the earth...and I'm sorry yours did.
But don't paint all men with the same brush. You man was unfaithful, and probably would have been whereever he was, and I really AM sorry. But to generalize about AA, as you have done in the past and are doing now, does a great injustice to a wonderful organization.
With love in my heart I am saying, please knock it off with the AA bashing. Post about you, what works for you and how you are working your program today. I really don't want to hear you speak anymore about how AA is a breeding ground of unfaithful people. It's simply not true, and as stated above you will find good people and bad people everywhere you go, and if some of them find their way to AA well maybe they will learn something from the other 99% of wonderful people there and stop.
But enough already with the bashing.
Tolerant Hugs
Ann
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: WA
Posts: 61
Dax- If there is one thing I am NOT worried about it is my husband having an affair. Thanks for the advice tho'
I am feeling better today- I think I just need to learn that right now I need to find some other place or person to talk to about all of this---my AH cannot be there for me thru this...I am just making myself unhappy hoping for him to be what I need.
I have learned alot from Sober Recovery and all of you. Thank you so much!
I am scared to share in Al Anon, but I went to my 4th meeting tonite and probably will keep going. I am thinking of talking to a counselor to try to work thru some things of my own- I still have alot of things in the past that bother me, and my mom is still an alcoholic, and refuses to admit the problem even tho all of my siblings (1 brother and 2 sisters and me) all sat her down about 4 weeks ago and told her we thought her drinking problem was keeping us from having a good/healthy relationship with her. I still have alot of feelings of inadaquecy from her drinking. As a child I always felt like my mom chose her "friends" at the bar and the drinking over us kids. When I was 12 she even went with her boyfriend to Reno- she left before we woke up Christmas morning! All 4 of us kids woke up to find that she was gone and we had no Christmas. I still remember thinking that if I had a chance to talk to her before she left I could have talked her out of leaving. (Always trying to control the uncontrolable- some things never change) As a Mom now myself I can't even IMAGINE doing that to my kids.- Thanks again for the chance to vent. I may not sound to serene :-) but I am taking baby steps towards a better me and better choices.
Di
I am feeling better today- I think I just need to learn that right now I need to find some other place or person to talk to about all of this---my AH cannot be there for me thru this...I am just making myself unhappy hoping for him to be what I need.
I have learned alot from Sober Recovery and all of you. Thank you so much!
I am scared to share in Al Anon, but I went to my 4th meeting tonite and probably will keep going. I am thinking of talking to a counselor to try to work thru some things of my own- I still have alot of things in the past that bother me, and my mom is still an alcoholic, and refuses to admit the problem even tho all of my siblings (1 brother and 2 sisters and me) all sat her down about 4 weeks ago and told her we thought her drinking problem was keeping us from having a good/healthy relationship with her. I still have alot of feelings of inadaquecy from her drinking. As a child I always felt like my mom chose her "friends" at the bar and the drinking over us kids. When I was 12 she even went with her boyfriend to Reno- she left before we woke up Christmas morning! All 4 of us kids woke up to find that she was gone and we had no Christmas. I still remember thinking that if I had a chance to talk to her before she left I could have talked her out of leaving. (Always trying to control the uncontrolable- some things never change) As a Mom now myself I can't even IMAGINE doing that to my kids.- Thanks again for the chance to vent. I may not sound to serene :-) but I am taking baby steps towards a better me and better choices.
Di
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Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: houston, tx
Posts: 323
Counseling can certainly help. Our counselor who we had when our teenage daughter was giving us trouble, saved our familythen. And again through marriage counseling when the affair happened. Between that time she had gotten into AA herself. So she was really in tune with our problems. hugs dax
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Hey Di,
I got into counseling along with Al-Anon and it has been a great outlet for me. You are taking care of you and trying new things that may help you. That is the most important thing. Everyone finds their own tools that work in their life. We just have to be willing to give things a try and see if they fit. If not, nothing lost. If they do, we have put another tool in our recovery tool box. Big hug and good luck. Magic
I got into counseling along with Al-Anon and it has been a great outlet for me. You are taking care of you and trying new things that may help you. That is the most important thing. Everyone finds their own tools that work in their life. We just have to be willing to give things a try and see if they fit. If not, nothing lost. If they do, we have put another tool in our recovery tool box. Big hug and good luck. Magic
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
ladies - how did you hook into a counselor? thru networking in al-anon or your dr.? just curious - i may want to explore this option also. i do have an eap counselor at work that i can probably start with. thx cwohio
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
I went through my insurance company. They gave me a list of counselors that were covered. Luckily the first one I went to was great, but I was willing to try more to get one that would be able to help me. M
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
magic - thanks - it may be best for me to go thru my eap counselor at work and since they are affiliated, they probably have a list of counselors who are covered by the company. i hope i am as lucky as you and find someone i like right off the bat
thx again for all your input
cw
thx again for all your input
cw
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Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: houston, tx
Posts: 323
Our neighbors down the street recommend this counselor who had been counseling their 3 grandchilren[teenagers] who lost their mother to cancer. Of course we have sent several people to her including several in the program. Ask your friends. dax
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: WA
Posts: 61
Update---
Well I still haven't called the counselor, but I have a name of someone who specializes in alcohol/addiction related counseling.
I had a "talk" with my AH tonite, and to sum it up he said at this point he is happier out of the house and doesn't see "us" working it out. Basically he said he "doesn't have any love left for me." I am so confused and hurt. I feel like I have done nothing to deserve all of this. I am a great mother, a hard worker, a fun, outgoing woman, and last but not least a GREAT wife. I have stayed and tried to work on our marraige thru soooooo much. I can't believe he is willing to throw away 10 years of marraige and I am so worried about what a "seperation" or divorce will do to my little boys! I know it is wrong, but I feel like such a failure! I am having a hard time seeing what is going on right now....I keep asking myself if this is really my life.
I feel like all of this is just crumbling around me. We have been going thru a tough time financially, and a divorce/separation would force us to put the house up for sale....I am sad about all of that too! I am trying not to freak out about all of these things, but I feel like this "One day at a time thing" makes sense when you aren't falling apart at the seams!! I can't detach from the fact that my marriage might be over, or that I will have to stop being a part time working/stay at home mom to a full time working/ single mother!!!
Is this a "normal" part of a recovery for an alcoholic...3 weeks sober and in intensive outpatient treatment....I thought I would see him working with me and trying to regain what we had lost, but it seems as if he is just throwing it all out the window!
I am glad I have this place to come and vent...I don't want to burden friends/family with my crying and venting! Thanks to all of you for being there!
Di
I had a "talk" with my AH tonite, and to sum it up he said at this point he is happier out of the house and doesn't see "us" working it out. Basically he said he "doesn't have any love left for me." I am so confused and hurt. I feel like I have done nothing to deserve all of this. I am a great mother, a hard worker, a fun, outgoing woman, and last but not least a GREAT wife. I have stayed and tried to work on our marraige thru soooooo much. I can't believe he is willing to throw away 10 years of marraige and I am so worried about what a "seperation" or divorce will do to my little boys! I know it is wrong, but I feel like such a failure! I am having a hard time seeing what is going on right now....I keep asking myself if this is really my life.
I feel like all of this is just crumbling around me. We have been going thru a tough time financially, and a divorce/separation would force us to put the house up for sale....I am sad about all of that too! I am trying not to freak out about all of these things, but I feel like this "One day at a time thing" makes sense when you aren't falling apart at the seams!! I can't detach from the fact that my marriage might be over, or that I will have to stop being a part time working/stay at home mom to a full time working/ single mother!!!
Is this a "normal" part of a recovery for an alcoholic...3 weeks sober and in intensive outpatient treatment....I thought I would see him working with me and trying to regain what we had lost, but it seems as if he is just throwing it all out the window!
I am glad I have this place to come and vent...I don't want to burden friends/family with my crying and venting! Thanks to all of you for being there!
Di
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Hi Di,
His decision has little to do with what you did or didn't do, or what kind of person you are. If he has decided to move on, the only thing you can do for yourself and your children is to handle this with as much serenity and saneness as possible. This is a time when you can reach out, to a therapist and an Al-Anon group, get as many tools as you can to get through this, and try to realize that God doesn't close one door without openning another. I am not that great at letting things go and openning my mind and heart to the next gift my life brings. I struggle to hold on to what is impossible to hold on to. Al-Anon has taught me ways to let my life flow like it is supposed to, with less struggle and pain. Nothing will remove the pain of a dying relationship, but there are things you can do to prevent it from tearing you down, and help you recover. And you don't have to do this alone. Hugs, Magic
His decision has little to do with what you did or didn't do, or what kind of person you are. If he has decided to move on, the only thing you can do for yourself and your children is to handle this with as much serenity and saneness as possible. This is a time when you can reach out, to a therapist and an Al-Anon group, get as many tools as you can to get through this, and try to realize that God doesn't close one door without openning another. I am not that great at letting things go and openning my mind and heart to the next gift my life brings. I struggle to hold on to what is impossible to hold on to. Al-Anon has taught me ways to let my life flow like it is supposed to, with less struggle and pain. Nothing will remove the pain of a dying relationship, but there are things you can do to prevent it from tearing you down, and help you recover. And you don't have to do this alone. Hugs, Magic
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