Aellyce

Hi, friends.

I will do here something I've never done before. Well, I did. I came here and asked for help in 2011 and 2012, being in some specific mental states... I was drunk when I did it back then. I am sober now, and have been for over 9 months, but these mental states still seem to haunt me. I wrote about it here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post4985747

I think I'm right in the middle of another episode, and I can't even express how hard it is for me to even type these words. I really only want to disappear, but my head is full of... stuff. And we don't want to have a look into it.

OK, so what should I do? I am in therapy (I think not intense enough right now) and I have an appointment with a psychiatrist on Monday. I went to a few AA meetings, but never worked the program. I've introduced many new and very meaningful activities into my recovery regime. I just don't know what else?

Soberwolf

Hi Haennie i would say stick close to us here at SR your not alone were all here with you

Your doing great at 9 months and you got your apt monday thats good

hang in there my friend

enfinthechange

You can talk to people on here, it helps.... And u are doing so well! Keep on helping yourself!

Fly N Buy

Haennie,

Sorry for the way you're feeling. That sucks.....
All I know is what I do, daily. It is mentioned in your list, and surely not trying to be pushy - just sharing what pulls me out usually.

When I go to meetings I find it does a couple things for me; First, provides me a with a purposeful place to be where I am welcomed = structured support. Next, it is service to others - simply by being there and listening. For me this helps me grow in many different areas of my life. Opportunities seems to arise when least expected for all sorts of things......

Many times I see, hear and find the grace I needed right then. When I feel particularly bad I force myself to go to meeting. 9 time of 10 I am much better and hour later......

Glad you posted and thinking about you...
peace
Fly

silentrun

9 months was marked for me with what I can only call dissociation. I don't have any experience dealing with mental health issues or any knowledge like you do. It was so bad I looked it up online and took a test. I scored in normal range but I just couldn't understand what was happening to me. I was experiences strong pattern recognition and it seemed like messages were embedded everywhere. Luckly for me it was all about love and compassion but it was as unnerving as hell because I'm really not into that religious calling kind of thing.
I noticed when it was happening I was also experiencing a complete lack of focus. Certain things your brain does like awareness of time and keep you on task was completely shut down. Sounds, smells, colors just came at me without being filtered into what was important and what was background.
It was scary! It passed. I don't know what my brain was rewiring at the time. I looked up some things and it could have been a dopamine surge. When it was over I could appreciate things like I wasn't able to when using. Breeze on my arm or getting excited about mundane things. Music sounded better. Life just seemed 3D and enjoyable.
One good thing that came of it was that I was turned so upside down that I was forced to grab for what was real and hang onto that. Everything that was false about my perception was shook free and fell away within days. It would have taken me years to figure all that out if I tried to pick it apart notion by notion.
Wow! What the hell did we do to ourselves anyway!

Dee74

I think you've been through a lot of emotional upheaval over the last few weeks and you're still worried about your dad - all that is perfectly normal - as is a desire to run away and wish it wasn't happening.

Be gentle on yourself Haennie

d

SoberLeigh

Haennie, caring for my Mom (at various levels of intensity) during the last two years of my herlife was not only physically draining but psychologically and mentally overwhelming. You are just back from visiting your Dad, assessing his status, and witnessing first hand his deterioration.

Be gentle with yourself; this is a very challenging time in your life.

ArtFriend

I second what SoberLeigh said. It is devasting to watch your parent become incapacitated. I took care of my mother for the last few months of her life and watched her die in my living room on hospice care. It ripped me to pieces. I am still dealing with the after effects. Like Leigh said, be gentle with yourself and get as much support as you can handle.

JanieJ

(((()))) No useful words, but look after yourself x

heartcore

H - I recognize in you that when you think or feel strongly, you need to know the "why" and address the thought or feeling, explore it until you understand what's happening.

Sometimes there are no answers and this doesn't work.

My experience and advice is to abandon the thinking about the thinking or the feeling about the feeling and live in the body for a bit.

That might mean working out really intensely, getting massage, swimming, dancing, getting cosmic body attentions (like energy healing), having sex, going on a hike which is a bit longer than what you can handle...

Turn off the brain for a moment.

Watch comedies that have no deeper significance.

Go to a restaurant and order only desserts.

Whatever. Just shake it up, and have a three or four day moratorium on actually understanding yourself further...

I think you need a "vacation from your problems" (if you've never watched the movie "What About Bob" so that you understand that reference, that should be on the top of the list!)

EndGameNYC

Yes, I noticed something like this in your recent comments. Oftentimes our greatest strength can be our greatest weakness.

As Heartcore and others have said or suggested, this might be a great time to take a vacation from the intensity with which you analyze your thoughts and feelings. It sounds as though you're experiencing a kind of cognitive overload, and the more you fight it (including attempts to wrestle it to the ground with understanding), the worse it seems to get for you.

When I studied Philosophy in college, my goal was to better understand the Universe and what it means to be human. It was only many years later that I came to understand that my efforts were also a defense against coming to know myself. (Dealing with the ultimate nature of Being and of Reality can do that for a person.) I was frequently frustrated that my questions led to either a dead end or more questions. My thinking has tended to level out over time; whether it's due to being sober or a byproduct of aging and experience I cannot say. It may also be due to other things I do and have done in my life, so I'm content with knowing what I know.

We have a limited amount of psychic energy, including the energy we allocate to our feelings, so there is a limit as to how much we can handle at any particular moment in time. Just as you wondered here whether or not you were letting down your students and colleagues should you leave them to see your father at around the time a particular project you planned was taking place, your essence, your being, your self will adapt, perhaps even flourish, without your ever-present watchful eye and your complete and unconditional participation.

Lift your foot from the accelerator. As Dee wrote, it's time to be gentle with yourself.

Verte

Dear Haennie, my friend, it sounds as if despite your best efforts you may be suffering. Everyone on SR is here for you.

You need to shut down the mental/emotional hyperdrive. There are things that cannot and need not be figured out at this moment. You have travelled far and had great emotional intensity. Perhaps a part of your response originates with a lifetime of being the only child and caring intensely, super-focused, for both of your parent's emotional experience.

You do not need to figure things out right now and maybe you need permission to just shut it down. Care deeply for your emotional experience right now and this is OK.

Are you eating? Borscht or goulash would be great for this weather. Ski socks, fingerless gloves, warm blanket on the couch with 'duh?' television like we all take comfort with, giant glass of room temp water. Bring it all back down. Is there someone non-intrusive who can just come and sit next to you or sleep on the couch for the night?

Please do not hesitate to call the on-call Doc if you are struggling and need help, advice or feel the need to give yourself permission to go the ER. Many things just cannot be figured out alone.

Stay on SR with your friends. We can have an SR slumber party. Wishing you peace, Haennie.

Nuudawn

Hey I'm with Dee, Heartcore, Endgame and LeTheVerte on this...

You are a wildly cerebral firecracker. And its' awesome..but I'm sure it can also be..well, a walk in dark city park after midnight sometimes.

Last night... a recovery friend to me said..more than once...with a smile
HEY...everybody every use the word "overintellectualize" with you????
Er um...well, no...but "ya ya I get it".

I'm a big fan of the shame researcher Brene Brown. In one of her Ted Talks she explains how she has always identified herself as a "scientist and researcher". It was only in exploring therapy and her own vulnerabilities did she see that her ever curious researching mind was just another mechanism for her to find CONTROL.

Oh my did I resonate with that. I am no scholar but I am a GOOGLE queen. I am always looking up everything regarding "the human condition"...and I mean everything. Relationships ,intimacy, addiction, mental illness, psychology...oh just about everything under the sun when it comes to ...WHAT THE HECK I MIGHT BE DEALING WITH.

It is my effort to try and find CONTROL...when I cannot control something.

I have spent the last two weeks..crying..and googling...endlessly.

I don't know if any of this resonates with you...

But maybe you do need a good dumb laugh..
Maybe you need down to roll your body down a big grassy hill (remember doing that as kids?)
Bouncy castle?
Knicky knicky nine doors?

Something real stupid...the sillier the better.

Aellyce

Guys and gals... thanks so much for all the responses and insight. Each and every one of you is so right in ways that would take me many pages or writing to acknowledge...

My current reality though is that I still feel the same, and worse. So I am just about heading to the ER. Killing myself (what I feel like doing) is not an option. I hope they will have something to change this state of mine.

SoberLeigh

Haennie, you are so very loved here. Yes, please go to the ER if you are having those thoughts.


We are real and we love you.

FreeOwl

haennie....

I'm just beyond 10 months and am a mess.

I'm generally remaining positive, but lots of emotional upheaval. Disturbing memories. Problems with my body. Confusing challenges ranging from simple every day interactions to frustrations in the bedroom. I want it to go away. I want to 'fix' it. But the more I chase "what could be wrong" the more it just seems to plague me.

So I think the best thing we can do is accept it. Just observe it. Just let it happen and keep in mind that everything changes, it is a process. We are FEELING, we are working toward HEALING, and we need to have patience.

Maybe you could consider working the steps. I've begun that process and I think it's helping. Also talk with your therapist about cognitive-behavioral therapy. It might be helpful depending on some of your underlying beliefs that could be at play.

But above all.... know that you're not alone. You're not strange. There's nothing "wrong" with you..... you are a human and you are in recovery and you are evolving.

I am finding it helpful to just keep reminding myself to have faith, to accept what is going on, trying not to obsess over it, focus on getting exercise and developing myself and using my creativity and getting time with friends and healthy time alone and good nutrition and ride it out.

Hang in there.

EndGameNYC

You're doing the right thing, my friend. What a frightful loss and how terribly heartbreaking it would be for so many people here and IRL to move on in life without you, to say nothing of a very good life not playing itself out to its natural ending.

You are very much loved and admired, and you still have a great deal to do for yourself and for the people you care for.

Please update us when you have the opportunity to do so. All of us are with you.

biminiblue

May you find peace, my dear haennie.

razor15

I have no advice for you Haennie. I just want to say that I care about you and we are here for you. We all want you to be well and I'm happy to see you seeking the care you need. Hugs.

afloatsober

In my opinion AA is the program, the steps. Give it a go. So many (like I did) decide it don't work before they have 'worked it'.
The meetings are fine but just targeted therapy if I the only thing that I do is attend meetings.
Just a suggestion
G