Still trying to understand

Old 10-30-2014, 12:39 PM
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Still trying to understand

I just don't understand why my abf would just vanish from our baby's and my life. Never cheated nor lied and have always been there for him. He always said he loved me more than I know. He was still in-love with me and wanted to marry and grow old with me. Then poof gone. There was no fighting no indications. I am devastated. it has been 2 weeks today since I have heard from him. I thought it would get easier but every time I think of him I cry. I wish he would just contact me and let me know he is ok. I hope this gets easier .
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Old 10-30-2014, 01:34 PM
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High order addiction simply CONTROLS them. Free will
doesn't seem to get any traction against it.
We cannot hold our breath for 10 minutes---the urge
to respirate is too powerful.
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Old 10-30-2014, 02:10 PM
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I just have it in my mind if he came home I could make it better. I have never been through this nor been subject to such an addicting drug. I have no clue what this drug does. I just dont understand how a drug can make you leave everything behind and not care.
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Old 10-30-2014, 03:02 PM
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Originally Posted by mistyeye View Post
I just have it in my mind if he came home I could make it better. I have never been through this nor been subject to such an addicting drug. I have no clue what this drug does. I just dont understand how a drug can make you leave everything behind and not care.
It's chemistry and biology, Misty. And psychology, too. There's a lot of factors at play.

But at the end of the day, he's made some very bad choices. He was the one that gave himself permission to get into that stuff in the first place. And once that stuff gets a hold of someone, it doesn't let go easily.

Addiction is a very, very selfish condition. The only thing that matters to the addict is maintaining the feeling while they are intoxicated. And towards that end, they will lie, cheat, steal, and use people without remorse.

I know you're very, very hurt about this, but you need to ask yourself is this the sort of people you want to raise a kid with.

Even if he were to come back and attempt to get clean, he wouldn't have the emotional bandwidth to be a responsible partner, or parent. That's why I believe, in some way, he did you a favor by taking off. He has shown you he's not fit to be a partner or a parent. And now it's your responsibility to take charge and raise your son as best you can.

Keep reading, keep posting, keep learning. And in time, it will be OK.
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Old 10-31-2014, 09:36 AM
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Awe honey, an active addict is not thinking about any future, just getting their next fix. So so sorry. You and your baby deserve more.
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Old 11-01-2014, 10:09 AM
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Trying to Start over.

I haven't cried in 2 days. That is saying a lot. He has been gone for 16 days now without one word from him. Not even his family has called me. You really see people's true colors through hard situations. As long as his mom and sister (who are alcoholics) keep enabling him he wont stop the drinking or the meth. I am relieved he hasn't come back because I am in a vulnerable place right now. I am starting to understand it is not my fault nor in my control. I still miss him and how he made me feel so loved before the drugs took him away from me. I look at our son and thank the Lord for him everyday. It wasn't suppose to go this way. We were going to get married and raise our son and grow old together. I waited 39 years for this man and he was what I prayed for. In 4 months after he relapsed it isn't the man I knew. This sucks. He missed his sons first Halloween. I know these holidays are going to be hard because I wanted to share all our son's firsts together. There is a reason for everything and I need to believe that. Sorry I am just venting because I really don't have anyone to talk to since he left.
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Old 11-01-2014, 11:21 AM
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You can always come here and talk, we are listening.

It's hard to go through all this and lose your dreams of what might have been. It's not your fault they disappeared when drugs came into the picture.

Better tomorrows and new dreams await you, just keep moving forward and doing what is best for yourself and your child and I promise that one day soon you will find new beginnings and happier times.

Hugs
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Old 11-01-2014, 11:48 AM
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I'm really glad you are learning a lot from posts here. It's important to come to terms with the reality of your situation. Addiction is hard to understand. I too thought I would grow old with my XABF, but his addiction changed all that. It's hard to let go of that dream, but it's important to realize that an addict isn't capable of giving me that dream. Feel free to vent, sometimes it feels good to just get feelings off your chest. Keep your head up!
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Old 11-01-2014, 12:08 PM
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I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with crying, Misty. You've suffered a loss, and now you're grieving. You feel what you feel.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to allow yourself to feel the whole rainbow of emotions. Don't try to deny that they're there.

You really see people's true colors through hard situations.
Ain't that the truth.
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Old 11-01-2014, 12:21 PM
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Meth...it makes people mean and nasty. They have no feelings. The brain shuts them off. I am sorry. My AH doc is meth. But his days sober are getting longer and longer. It is a very hard drug to walk away from. I am sorry, but you and your little baby don't need what is about to come. Stay strong.
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