Please Tell Me What To Do....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Lindale
Posts: 10
Please Tell Me What To Do....
My daughter is in a 35 day rehab for a pain pill addiction that started when her PCP prescribed her pain pills for migraines about a year ago. The good news, she came to her and dad and I and told us about her addiction and checked herself into rehab. Unfortunately, the first rehab she went into was over 700 miles away. She called us begging for us to get her out of that place, so, I found a rehab that is closer to where we live. It it is private and the staff seem to be very caring and compassionate. My daughter has been there about 8 days (she was at the other place about 5 days total). She calls her dad and I every night begging us to come and get her. She swears up and down that she is finished with the pills and doesn't have any cravings any more and will never touch a pill again. She says if she stays in that place she will end up in the psych ward.
The psychiatrist at the rehab called me today and told me that we need to set a firm boundary with our daughter that we love her, but cannot allow her home unless she completes rehab. She assured me that my daughter is just manipulating her dad and I and that she is safe and being taken care of by a very caring staff. She recommended that we not answer the phone for a few days to avoid talking to her.
She is my only child and I am so torn. I want her to get better and put this addiction behind her. My mother died due to years of pain pill abuse. I don't want to see the same thing happen to my daughter. How do I know that what she is telling me is not the truth? She is so hysterical when she calls - she cries and begs for the entire time shes on the phone. It is really wearing her dad and I down. We don't know what to do.
Please help!
The psychiatrist at the rehab called me today and told me that we need to set a firm boundary with our daughter that we love her, but cannot allow her home unless she completes rehab. She assured me that my daughter is just manipulating her dad and I and that she is safe and being taken care of by a very caring staff. She recommended that we not answer the phone for a few days to avoid talking to her.
She is my only child and I am so torn. I want her to get better and put this addiction behind her. My mother died due to years of pain pill abuse. I don't want to see the same thing happen to my daughter. How do I know that what she is telling me is not the truth? She is so hysterical when she calls - she cries and begs for the entire time shes on the phone. It is really wearing her dad and I down. We don't know what to do.
Please help!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 205
I'm sorry you are going through this. Are you familiar with Nar-Anon? It is affiliated with NA - it is the program for loved ones of addicts. It has been incredibly helpful to me.
Since you asked, I definitely would not believe her when she says she is through with pils. She's not, she's just through with rehab. She will say ANYTHING to get out of there and get back to using. Like her counselor said, do not answer her calls. And please check out Nar-Anon if you're not familiar.
Since you asked, I definitely would not believe her when she says she is through with pils. She's not, she's just through with rehab. She will say ANYTHING to get out of there and get back to using. Like her counselor said, do not answer her calls. And please check out Nar-Anon if you're not familiar.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Originally Posted by Frightened 
Thank you Hope. I just checked for Nar-anon meetings locally and the closest meeting is about an hour and a half drive away. I don't think I would be able to make that after work.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Lindale
Posts: 10
Thank you LS. I checked and we do have Al-Anon meetings locally. I also found a FA meeting that is not too far. The FA meeting is tonight, I missed the Al-Anon meeting as it was last night.
Thank you all so very much. This is the hardest thing my husband and I have ever been through. I have read so much on this board the past few days. I think my husband and I have been doing everything wrong. It's so hard.
Thank you all so very much. This is the hardest thing my husband and I have ever been through. I have read so much on this board the past few days. I think my husband and I have been doing everything wrong. It's so hard.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 205
Yes, Alanon is also a good resource. Same concept. The Nar-Anon website has a forum also and they do online meetings several nights a week.
There are no right or wrong answers when it comes to how you deal with your addict but what helps is not getting caught up in their addiction. It is easy to lose yourself and become completely consumed by your daughter's addiction and enable her. You don't know any better but now you can learn.
There are no right or wrong answers when it comes to how you deal with your addict but what helps is not getting caught up in their addiction. It is easy to lose yourself and become completely consumed by your daughter's addiction and enable her. You don't know any better but now you can learn.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Lindale
Posts: 10
Yes Hope, when the psychiatrist at the Rehab called me today, she told me that my husband and I have to learn to set firm boundaries. She said we need to tell our daughter that out of love we have to ask her to stay in rehab, that she can't come home if she leaves. That is an extremely difficult thing to do, but I know it is the best for her. Doesn't make it easy though. My daughter is very good at manipulating - I never realized just how good she is until this happened. My husband and I were so blind to her addiction. Of course, looking back, we can now see the red flags that were there. I do believe she is in a good rehab and that she is being taken care of, so my husband and I are just going to ignore her calls for now.
My daughter can leave the rehab any time she wants though and I am scared she will do that. She's in the middle of no where, with no money, no phone, nothing, except her clothes. I guess she could call someone to come and get her. No one knows she is there except her closest friend and she supports her being there.
For those of you that pray, please pray for God to grant my husband and I the strength to follow through with what we need to do.
Thank you all very much for all your advice. It is sincerely appreciated.
My daughter can leave the rehab any time she wants though and I am scared she will do that. She's in the middle of no where, with no money, no phone, nothing, except her clothes. I guess she could call someone to come and get her. No one knows she is there except her closest friend and she supports her being there.
For those of you that pray, please pray for God to grant my husband and I the strength to follow through with what we need to do.
Thank you all very much for all your advice. It is sincerely appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Nashville, Tennessee
Posts: 348
Hello, Frightened.
I have a son, 37, who's addicted to pain pills. His first time in legal trouble for it was about five years ago. He got caught for doctor shoppping. I took him to jail for him to turn himself in, although on the ride down there he said he was not guilty of what he was being charged with. His father and I had been divorced for 17 years and I asked his father to not get him out of jail, to leave him there and let him detox in jail and let him see what it was like. I shut off my phone, as the professionals advised me to do, but his father would not. My son begged and cried and called him, I guess, all day and all night. My husband went against all advice from the professionals and bailed him out of jail, put his house up in order to get the money, and ended up losing his home. What my husband did and what I've done to try and save and fix my son has not changed anything because my son is not ready to change. I know how helpless you feel and how scared you are.
I cannot advise you on what to do. I did take the advice of the professionals.
I attend AlAnon meetings and I couldn't have made it without the support from those parents. I encourage you to get to a meeting as soon as you can.
This is a progressive disease and I as my son's mother am not equipped to handle it on my own.
Prayers to you and your family.
I have a son, 37, who's addicted to pain pills. His first time in legal trouble for it was about five years ago. He got caught for doctor shoppping. I took him to jail for him to turn himself in, although on the ride down there he said he was not guilty of what he was being charged with. His father and I had been divorced for 17 years and I asked his father to not get him out of jail, to leave him there and let him detox in jail and let him see what it was like. I shut off my phone, as the professionals advised me to do, but his father would not. My son begged and cried and called him, I guess, all day and all night. My husband went against all advice from the professionals and bailed him out of jail, put his house up in order to get the money, and ended up losing his home. What my husband did and what I've done to try and save and fix my son has not changed anything because my son is not ready to change. I know how helpless you feel and how scared you are.
I cannot advise you on what to do. I did take the advice of the professionals.
I attend AlAnon meetings and I couldn't have made it without the support from those parents. I encourage you to get to a meeting as soon as you can.
This is a progressive disease and I as my son's mother am not equipped to handle it on my own.
Prayers to you and your family.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
You daughter has no coping skills yet without the pills, and that's partly why she's begging to get out of there. It's no surprise to me that she wanted to be closer to home as I'm sure she's scared and feeling very alone.
It's a really good sign that she came forward and admitted a problem. She has so much to learn and you can't teach her any of it. She has a disease, needs to learn how to manage it, and the professionals will teach her how to do that. I typed that not so much for you, but maybe as something you can remind her of the next time she cries out for help.
It's also very good that you're open to recovery programs for loved ones. Whether you choose to participate in any of those programs and or see a therapist, it's most important that you do something.
"Work the program you wish she would" and be a part of the solution, not the problem. The more support you have, the better your chances are of making positive contributions to you and your daughter's recovery.
It's a really good sign that she came forward and admitted a problem. She has so much to learn and you can't teach her any of it. She has a disease, needs to learn how to manage it, and the professionals will teach her how to do that. I typed that not so much for you, but maybe as something you can remind her of the next time she cries out for help.
It's also very good that you're open to recovery programs for loved ones. Whether you choose to participate in any of those programs and or see a therapist, it's most important that you do something.
"Work the program you wish she would" and be a part of the solution, not the problem. The more support you have, the better your chances are of making positive contributions to you and your daughter's recovery.
Recovered
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 1,129
Rehab is not easy. I begged my parents to come get me (they didn't). I wasn't done with pills, so that's how that went. I got sober 20 years later. My parents and I have a very close relationship today and I would not trade how they "handled" me and my manipulations back then. They did the right thing. I might be dead otherwise.
Guest
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 609
I wouldn't let her give this up for anything in the world were I in your shoes.
She's on them one year for migraines.
In rehab she'll be able to find other ways to
handle migraines and other pains- emotional and physical.
She may never get another opportunity to do this again.
I'm not a huge believer in across the board judgements when it comes to pain medication. Taking them doesn't make every person a addict.
Not craving them isn't that huge of a deal.
She came to you both to talk about this and is 700 miles away in a place she choose to go to. I'd give her the respect that a adult deserves and let her see this through.
In order to help her, you need to help yourself and I think not being on tap with the nightly calls would be #2 on the list of things you can do now. #1 would be to connect with others.
take care
Edited to add - Holy cow! bunch of replies came in before I typed. Nice to see
She's on them one year for migraines.
In rehab she'll be able to find other ways to
handle migraines and other pains- emotional and physical.
She may never get another opportunity to do this again.
I'm not a huge believer in across the board judgements when it comes to pain medication. Taking them doesn't make every person a addict.
Not craving them isn't that huge of a deal.
She came to you both to talk about this and is 700 miles away in a place she choose to go to. I'd give her the respect that a adult deserves and let her see this through.
In order to help her, you need to help yourself and I think not being on tap with the nightly calls would be #2 on the list of things you can do now. #1 would be to connect with others.
take care
Edited to add - Holy cow! bunch of replies came in before I typed. Nice to see
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Lindale
Posts: 10
Went to a FA meeting last night - I think it will be very helpful. Also, my daughter seemed to be calmer when she called last night and said she realizes that she needs to stay in treatment. So, overall, yesterday was a better day. That could all change when she calls today. She is on an emotional rollercoaster I know. We just have to take it one day at a time. Thank you all again.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Frightened, my son is an addict also, lost somewhere in his disease.
What saved my sanity...and believe me, it was broken...was live meetings and coming to SR anytime I needed support from those who had been where I was.
I'm glad you have found meetings and support here too. Hang in there and know you don't have to do this alone. We are all walking with you and keep you and your daughter in our prayers.
Hugs
What saved my sanity...and believe me, it was broken...was live meetings and coming to SR anytime I needed support from those who had been where I was.
I'm glad you have found meetings and support here too. Hang in there and know you don't have to do this alone. We are all walking with you and keep you and your daughter in our prayers.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
Frightened, I have been in your shoes a couple of times, and also talked with many other parents at NarAnon meetings who have experienced the roller-coaster of emotions that rehab brings on. Remember, you do not have to take her calls just because she calls. Let a few days pass, maybe. When she calls, take a second before answering and check in with yourself--is this a good time to hear her complain and cry, am I strong enough to listen to her, etc. If you don't answer and get a voicemail, that's okay. It is really healthy to give yourself a little space, too. You may even find that after some time, maybe tomorrow, maybe in a few years, you will get a voicemail with her telling you she loves you and is doing better, and maybe even says, "I just wanted to see how you are doing, Mom." In the meantime, do your own recovery work, as Chino said; it really works if you work it.
Great advice here, as always, and so much support--take advantage of it! Like Ann, SR & my NarAnon meetings have been a lifeline through some terrible days. Welcome to your new support system!
Great advice here, as always, and so much support--take advantage of it! Like Ann, SR & my NarAnon meetings have been a lifeline through some terrible days. Welcome to your new support system!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am so sorry.
Just remember, allowing her to come home will get her no where. There is a big difference between detox and actual recovery work. She needs to be there. I would consider telling her you cannot accept her phone calls until she accepts she has to be there.
I am so sorry. XXX
Just remember, allowing her to come home will get her no where. There is a big difference between detox and actual recovery work. She needs to be there. I would consider telling her you cannot accept her phone calls until she accepts she has to be there.
I am so sorry. XXX
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: liverpool, england
Posts: 1,708
i read your first post op and my first thought was this
what would your daughter be able to do if you nor her dad was around anymore ?
how would she get help ?
you have to try to pretend your not around anymore and let her find her own feet,
she is so lucky to have you guys around her but sometimes it can become a safety net were if they dont like something they can simply call out and someone will come running.
dont get me wrong any parent would do anything to try to help or save there kids, i know this as i lost my own son at just 16 years old and there isnt anything in the world i could of done to help him other than to sit back and help him with is pain while he was dying etc
if i could of given my own life i would of, if i had to rob a bank to get him treatment that would save him i would of done that i would do anything in the world to save him but had to face it that there is no cure for his illness
your lucky your child has a way out and it might be uncomfortable hearing her cry out she doesn't like it but at least there is a long term aim and if succesful she will go on an live a good clean life
so you have to be strong and be prepared to be cruel to be kind
i hope it all works out for you and your daughter, so please try and dont give in when she cries and wants to come home etc otherwise sadly in time she will just end up going back again and again and he life will get worse with more trouble that will lay ahead
so it really is important that you can understand the being cruel to be kind side of it and i know just how hard it is to hear your child cry that they dont like it or want to be home
my child cried he didnt want to die
what could i tell him ?
you will be ok in a few weeks time ? no
take this medicine it will make you better ? no
its a place no parent should be in yet sadly its going on the world over daily so lets hope thiings work out for you and her
keep your chin up and plod on
what would your daughter be able to do if you nor her dad was around anymore ?
how would she get help ?
you have to try to pretend your not around anymore and let her find her own feet,
she is so lucky to have you guys around her but sometimes it can become a safety net were if they dont like something they can simply call out and someone will come running.
dont get me wrong any parent would do anything to try to help or save there kids, i know this as i lost my own son at just 16 years old and there isnt anything in the world i could of done to help him other than to sit back and help him with is pain while he was dying etc
if i could of given my own life i would of, if i had to rob a bank to get him treatment that would save him i would of done that i would do anything in the world to save him but had to face it that there is no cure for his illness
your lucky your child has a way out and it might be uncomfortable hearing her cry out she doesn't like it but at least there is a long term aim and if succesful she will go on an live a good clean life
so you have to be strong and be prepared to be cruel to be kind
i hope it all works out for you and your daughter, so please try and dont give in when she cries and wants to come home etc otherwise sadly in time she will just end up going back again and again and he life will get worse with more trouble that will lay ahead
so it really is important that you can understand the being cruel to be kind side of it and i know just how hard it is to hear your child cry that they dont like it or want to be home
my child cried he didnt want to die
what could i tell him ?
you will be ok in a few weeks time ? no
take this medicine it will make you better ? no
its a place no parent should be in yet sadly its going on the world over daily so lets hope thiings work out for you and her
keep your chin up and plod on
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Lindale
Posts: 10
Thank you Desypete and everyone for your kind posts. I'm sorry Desy for what you have had to go through. I cannot imagine losing a child for any reason. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family.
I sat in that FA meeting last night listening to gut-wrenching stories of parents and grandparents tell about the lives of their loved ones struggling with addiction. It's such a horrible, horrible disease. I lost my mother to addiction and a nephew committed suicide last July due to addiction. When my daughter came to us and confessed she was addicted, I just couldn't believe it. I would have never dreamed my daughter would be an addict, but I'm sure there are a lot of parents and grandparents who thought the same way. I keep trying to console my husband and myself with the fact that she did confess and ask for help. I'm just hoping that she sticks it out and learns how to deal with life without the pills and can live a happy life from now on. I guess that's what everyone wants.
Desy, you are correct, we can't rescue our children from everything. We have to allow them to suffer the consequences of their actions - no matter how hard that is. I think rehab has been an eye-opening experience for my daughter - one that she desperately needed.
I sat in that FA meeting last night listening to gut-wrenching stories of parents and grandparents tell about the lives of their loved ones struggling with addiction. It's such a horrible, horrible disease. I lost my mother to addiction and a nephew committed suicide last July due to addiction. When my daughter came to us and confessed she was addicted, I just couldn't believe it. I would have never dreamed my daughter would be an addict, but I'm sure there are a lot of parents and grandparents who thought the same way. I keep trying to console my husband and myself with the fact that she did confess and ask for help. I'm just hoping that she sticks it out and learns how to deal with life without the pills and can live a happy life from now on. I guess that's what everyone wants.
Desy, you are correct, we can't rescue our children from everything. We have to allow them to suffer the consequences of their actions - no matter how hard that is. I think rehab has been an eye-opening experience for my daughter - one that she desperately needed.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Lindale
Posts: 10
My husband, daughter and I had our first family counseling session at the treatment center yesterday. It was good to get to see my daughter. I was so afraid that she would lose it when we left and want to come home, but she didn't. The visit went much better than anticipated.
The counseling session was helpful. The folks at the treatment center really do push sober living recovery after she completes this treatment. My daughter is terrified that we will want her to go to a long term treatment facility. She does not want to do that. The counselor asked her what her plans were after she leaves rehab and she said that she will continue treatment, wants to get a sponsor, will attend meetings, and will submit to home drug tests, etc. It all sounds good, but when she's saying all that, I am thinking, does she really mean it or is this the addict saying what she thinks we want to hear? She told us that she wants to get back into school and start enjoying her life again. I want that for her too, I'm just terrified that when she does start her new life, she will not be equipped to handle the triggers and the cravings she will inevitably get. Will outpatient therapy and attending meetings be enough when she is released from this treatment?
We have another family therapy session soon and I am going to continue to attend the FA meetings.
The counseling session was helpful. The folks at the treatment center really do push sober living recovery after she completes this treatment. My daughter is terrified that we will want her to go to a long term treatment facility. She does not want to do that. The counselor asked her what her plans were after she leaves rehab and she said that she will continue treatment, wants to get a sponsor, will attend meetings, and will submit to home drug tests, etc. It all sounds good, but when she's saying all that, I am thinking, does she really mean it or is this the addict saying what she thinks we want to hear? She told us that she wants to get back into school and start enjoying her life again. I want that for her too, I'm just terrified that when she does start her new life, she will not be equipped to handle the triggers and the cravings she will inevitably get. Will outpatient therapy and attending meetings be enough when she is released from this treatment?
We have another family therapy session soon and I am going to continue to attend the FA meetings.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Nashville, Tennessee
Posts: 348
Hello, Frightened.
I don't have experience with my son, in particular, being offered a sober living recovery facility. I've been in recovery for 17 years, and from my experience if it's suggested by the facility that she do that, then I would most certainly support the facility in their suggestion. They're the experts and probably have some pretty sound statistics on success rates of those who do and do not follow suggestions.
My son is a pain pill addict also, he's now 37, and I will tell you, out of all of the substances I've read and heard about, the pain pill addiction is a monster. It is truly unbelievabe what they've done to him.
So I would say she's going to need all the treatment she can get, and especially now since she has the opportunity to continue on with inpatient. She needs to take advantage of that.
If your gut is nagging at you and you're wondering if outpatient and meetings will be enough, maybe you need to pay attention to that as maybe being manipulative, and go with what the counselors suggest. That's what I'd do.
I don't have experience with my son, in particular, being offered a sober living recovery facility. I've been in recovery for 17 years, and from my experience if it's suggested by the facility that she do that, then I would most certainly support the facility in their suggestion. They're the experts and probably have some pretty sound statistics on success rates of those who do and do not follow suggestions.
My son is a pain pill addict also, he's now 37, and I will tell you, out of all of the substances I've read and heard about, the pain pill addiction is a monster. It is truly unbelievabe what they've done to him.
So I would say she's going to need all the treatment she can get, and especially now since she has the opportunity to continue on with inpatient. She needs to take advantage of that.
If your gut is nagging at you and you're wondering if outpatient and meetings will be enough, maybe you need to pay attention to that as maybe being manipulative, and go with what the counselors suggest. That's what I'd do.
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