How much do we HAVE to put up with?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 45
How much do we HAVE to put up with?
Just when you feel things might look brighter..the clouds roll in!! My AH has been sober for 29 days and now he wants to help his alcoholic brother!!! Of course nothing has changed in our marriage! I was not home overnight this week b/c of a work meeting. I even set up for my sister to watch the kids to give my AH a night without everyone. And do you think he took care of the things around the house that I asked him to do??? NO!!! How hard is it to take out the dirty diapers, put the clothes from the washer into the dryer so they don't mildew or return the videos to blockbuster b/c they were already a day late? To him it was impossible!!! I don't get it!!
So just like before the 29 days he's been clean I do EVERYTHING!!! And now he comes to me and says he wants his brother to move in with us for a month so he can get help??? WHAT??? What about taking care of his responsibilities for his marriage and kids? His brother lives 400 miles from us and is 26 y/o and is going through alot... fiance left him on his birthday after 6 years, dog passed away, has NO money because he was out of work for over a year because he was VERY sick- eventually had his large intestine removed. My husband can get him a job where we live for good money but he wants to have his brother STAY with us to get his feet on the ground. And at the same time his brother wants to get clean from drinking as well.
Please tell me... is this setting my marriage up for disaster or is it just me being selfish? I told my husband that it is a bad idea and I can not support it b/c our marriage is not doing well and just b/c he is 29 days clean that does not change the past 9 YEARS of crap I put up with! I really need some advice on this one. My AH will not let this go and feels really strong about helping his brother- which I CAN understand but I just think this is the time he NEEDS to take care of himself and his family! I don't feel this is the time for him to HELP others?
So just like before the 29 days he's been clean I do EVERYTHING!!! And now he comes to me and says he wants his brother to move in with us for a month so he can get help??? WHAT??? What about taking care of his responsibilities for his marriage and kids? His brother lives 400 miles from us and is 26 y/o and is going through alot... fiance left him on his birthday after 6 years, dog passed away, has NO money because he was out of work for over a year because he was VERY sick- eventually had his large intestine removed. My husband can get him a job where we live for good money but he wants to have his brother STAY with us to get his feet on the ground. And at the same time his brother wants to get clean from drinking as well.
Please tell me... is this setting my marriage up for disaster or is it just me being selfish? I told my husband that it is a bad idea and I can not support it b/c our marriage is not doing well and just b/c he is 29 days clean that does not change the past 9 YEARS of crap I put up with! I really need some advice on this one. My AH will not let this go and feels really strong about helping his brother- which I CAN understand but I just think this is the time he NEEDS to take care of himself and his family! I don't feel this is the time for him to HELP others?
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: indianapolis, in
Posts: 81
Gabigoo,
Sounds as if you are just full into your roll of co-depency----i wouldn't so much call what you are doing as selfish--but when we are in the eye of our storms--the characteristic of control always can become overwhelming. our desire for things to go well are overwhelming...after you look at so much dysfunction it is almost impossible not to desire things to be done in a normal manner. i don't know how much of the posts you have read regarding our (co-dependents) behavior and the addicts behavior, this may bring clarity to a lot of things for you. then you must not be evasive of the facts that exists in the characterists and behaviors of men and women all by themselves...we can't blame everything on addiction. unfortunately we can't control anyones anything---so you might want to just let it go--you spent 9 years trying to get him where he is and can you really reward yourself with his 20+ days of sobriety....there is a rumor in the Alan-non room that they sometimes blame the nag of the woman for their relaspes...so you may want to get ahold of yourself and take a good look at what "you" are doing and let him be who he is---that is the way that it all boils down to be anyway isn't? anything can set a relationship up for disaster---not just reaching out to help others....try to focus on you and get the recovery in this situation that you need....my husband expected me to be the savior in our situation too, but that is really a figment of imagination to great extent........
i know what your husband is suggesting seems to be out there---it is hard to argue the "family loyalty" thing...you have decide for yourself what your boundaries are and know what you can and can't live with. no one else can decide that for you - not even your h. all we can hope for is that things work out...and hopefully he can stand for a rational compromise in conversation...when people have bad habits it is hard to put anything past them...you just never know---but we can change or expectations of them and let it all go in one way or another....that's less stress for us.
praying for your journey and just know that rollercoster emotions, thougts and actions is just apart of this, whatever we want to call it.....take one day at a time and don't judge yourself so harshly--you will make it through and things will turn out the way that they are....try not to stress out about them. i know i throw these things around lightly--but it is possible.
Sounds as if you are just full into your roll of co-depency----i wouldn't so much call what you are doing as selfish--but when we are in the eye of our storms--the characteristic of control always can become overwhelming. our desire for things to go well are overwhelming...after you look at so much dysfunction it is almost impossible not to desire things to be done in a normal manner. i don't know how much of the posts you have read regarding our (co-dependents) behavior and the addicts behavior, this may bring clarity to a lot of things for you. then you must not be evasive of the facts that exists in the characterists and behaviors of men and women all by themselves...we can't blame everything on addiction. unfortunately we can't control anyones anything---so you might want to just let it go--you spent 9 years trying to get him where he is and can you really reward yourself with his 20+ days of sobriety....there is a rumor in the Alan-non room that they sometimes blame the nag of the woman for their relaspes...so you may want to get ahold of yourself and take a good look at what "you" are doing and let him be who he is---that is the way that it all boils down to be anyway isn't? anything can set a relationship up for disaster---not just reaching out to help others....try to focus on you and get the recovery in this situation that you need....my husband expected me to be the savior in our situation too, but that is really a figment of imagination to great extent........
i know what your husband is suggesting seems to be out there---it is hard to argue the "family loyalty" thing...you have decide for yourself what your boundaries are and know what you can and can't live with. no one else can decide that for you - not even your h. all we can hope for is that things work out...and hopefully he can stand for a rational compromise in conversation...when people have bad habits it is hard to put anything past them...you just never know---but we can change or expectations of them and let it all go in one way or another....that's less stress for us.
praying for your journey and just know that rollercoster emotions, thougts and actions is just apart of this, whatever we want to call it.....take one day at a time and don't judge yourself so harshly--you will make it through and things will turn out the way that they are....try not to stress out about them. i know i throw these things around lightly--but it is possible.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 45
2Sunshine- Thank you for the wakeup call!! WOW!!! I have to admit that I started going to Al Anon and only went 2 times and I let it slip away without even noticing! But from your message I realize I need to go and my head on straight! I was trying to control the situation and use the family card on my husband! It is so easy to slip into our "co-dependency" roles. I am reading Codependent No More and I really like it- but it just shows that we are so conditioned to react that I let everything that I learned slip without even realizing it! So thank you so much for the wakeup call!! I know now that I need to get to a meeting and just how important they are!
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
((gabi))
I am so glad that I have support. Even having the knowlege to change isn't enough for me. My mind goes on auto pilot when I don't have a constant input of recovery. Life can get very tought very fast when my old tapes start playing. Take that time to get to that meeting. And keep posting. Hugs, Magic
I am so glad that I have support. Even having the knowlege to change isn't enough for me. My mind goes on auto pilot when I don't have a constant input of recovery. Life can get very tought very fast when my old tapes start playing. Take that time to get to that meeting. And keep posting. Hugs, Magic
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