Day 11 thoughts
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 1,462
Day 11 thoughts
This could very well be my 20th day 11 over the past couple of years but I'm really trying to do things differently, I'm tired of succumbing to my urges at various stages of sobriety.
I am home after a long, stressful, noisy day at work. As I was leaving work, I took a last minute call from my student loan collection agency telling me that my monthly payment was increased.. To an amount I am unable to pay. Add to my stress. So my daughters are in their rooms now and I have an hour before I have to ask my mom if she can pay my rent because my ex has decided to stop paying child support for the past 3 months and I'm at the end of my rope. Then off to a softball game with kids.
My father was just diagnosed with cancer and we are waiting to learn of our options. My stress level is through the roof.
The quiet is nice in my house right now but I am uncomfortable in my skin, don't know what to do with myself. I want to drink: to quiet my head, to calm down, to escape briefly. I know that drinking will not take any of those things away or solve my problems. I won't drink, but I'm trying to be mindful of these feelings. I reminding myself that drinking stifles me- I don't handle feelings or emotions, I stuff them when I drink and they resurface just when I wake up feeling hungover and full of self hate for drinking.
I want to stay sober. I want to have the clarity to handle what life throws at me and set an example for my girls. I don't want to hide bottles and find excuses To go to the store. I want to be strong and stay with my commitment to finish 2014 sober, each and every day.
I'm uncomfortable pouring all of this out here but something tells me I need to. If it helps me, if it helps someone else, then it is worthwhile.
I am home after a long, stressful, noisy day at work. As I was leaving work, I took a last minute call from my student loan collection agency telling me that my monthly payment was increased.. To an amount I am unable to pay. Add to my stress. So my daughters are in their rooms now and I have an hour before I have to ask my mom if she can pay my rent because my ex has decided to stop paying child support for the past 3 months and I'm at the end of my rope. Then off to a softball game with kids.
My father was just diagnosed with cancer and we are waiting to learn of our options. My stress level is through the roof.
The quiet is nice in my house right now but I am uncomfortable in my skin, don't know what to do with myself. I want to drink: to quiet my head, to calm down, to escape briefly. I know that drinking will not take any of those things away or solve my problems. I won't drink, but I'm trying to be mindful of these feelings. I reminding myself that drinking stifles me- I don't handle feelings or emotions, I stuff them when I drink and they resurface just when I wake up feeling hungover and full of self hate for drinking.
I want to stay sober. I want to have the clarity to handle what life throws at me and set an example for my girls. I don't want to hide bottles and find excuses To go to the store. I want to be strong and stay with my commitment to finish 2014 sober, each and every day.
I'm uncomfortable pouring all of this out here but something tells me I need to. If it helps me, if it helps someone else, then it is worthwhile.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 6,831
forabetterlife, I'm so sorry you have so many stresses coming at once, it does seem that they tend to come in waves....and often at the times we feel unprepared to deal with them. It's certainly understandable that drinking enters your mind, but as you stated the problems will still be there. I'm proud of you for hanging in there for yourself and your girls.
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