Big trigger for me
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 2,459
Big trigger for me
My Brother and I haven't communicated in almost a year. Last time I spoke to him was on Halloween last year. Earlier that year, his daughter wrote me a very nasty email stating that I was not a very good aunt to her and she has "disowned" me. I feel sorry for her because she has been "dragged" up (not raised) by my alcoholic brother and many, many different women. Her real mother died of a heart attack at age 38. So, I know this girl has many issues and she is unstable. I was hurt by the email as I know I have tried to be there for her as much as possible, but I live 2000 miles away. Her mother's sister lives 5 miles away and has lavished this girl with just about anything she wants... trips to Hawaii, Disneyworld, Europe, bought her a new car for graduation. You get the picture. How could I compete?
So, when I talked to my brother about my niece and told him about the nasty email, he took her side. He agreed that I was a lousy aunt, etc. So we argued, he hung up on me and that was it.
His current GF is an enabler and I tried to stay in touch with her for awhile, but her enabling and making excuses for my brother made me crazy. He is abusing her in all ways, including physically, yet she stays.
Anyway... she texted me last night. Just a "hello" text. I didn't want to get into anything, so I kept my reply curt and to the point. Then she tells me how my brother is "so complex" and "an enigma" and "worthy of my understanding' etc. I did not even reply to that...but, I got very angry. The GF and my brother and my niece all set me off in a big way. Major trigger.
I know the logical answer is to cut off ALL communication with them, but I fear that if I do, I will never know if anything major happens to my brother (who is drinking himself to death on purpose).
Sorry for the long post...
So, when I talked to my brother about my niece and told him about the nasty email, he took her side. He agreed that I was a lousy aunt, etc. So we argued, he hung up on me and that was it.
His current GF is an enabler and I tried to stay in touch with her for awhile, but her enabling and making excuses for my brother made me crazy. He is abusing her in all ways, including physically, yet she stays.
Anyway... she texted me last night. Just a "hello" text. I didn't want to get into anything, so I kept my reply curt and to the point. Then she tells me how my brother is "so complex" and "an enigma" and "worthy of my understanding' etc. I did not even reply to that...but, I got very angry. The GF and my brother and my niece all set me off in a big way. Major trigger.
I know the logical answer is to cut off ALL communication with them, but I fear that if I do, I will never know if anything major happens to my brother (who is drinking himself to death on purpose).
Sorry for the long post...
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Yew-Kay
Posts: 279
It sounds like these people are hurting you more than enough, without you adding to it by losing your sobriety 
I have come to realise recently, that people who are hurtful are themselves hurting, as people who are genuinely happy, want the same for those around them.
It's hard, but I just don't reply to the texts etc, at least until I've calmed down - it's not worth 'giving them what they want'
Don't go punishing yourself by drinking - rise above their taunts - you will know if anything happens to your brother - trust me xx
I have come to realise recently, that people who are hurtful are themselves hurting, as people who are genuinely happy, want the same for those around them.It's hard, but I just don't reply to the texts etc, at least until I've calmed down - it's not worth 'giving them what they want'
Don't go punishing yourself by drinking - rise above their taunts - you will know if anything happens to your brother - trust me xx
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Join Date: Sep 2010
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You can walk off the crazy bus, or continue to ride it. If you stay on for the ride, develop the coping skills you need to deal with your disfunctional family situation without drinking.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,855
Morning, ArtFriend!!!
Your relationship/situation with your brother, your niece and your brother's girl friend is difficult and complex.
I understand the desire to not want to cut off all means of contact, thereby closing the door forever. (I am in a similar situation with my brother where I struggle to understand his actions). However, I believe that maintaining your sanity and sobriety should be your #1 goal. Limiting your exposures to your brother, etc. to text messages or e-mails might be helpful; in this way, you can choose when to read the messages (when you are feeling strong) and can choose when to respond (after you considered the message and measured your response). We cannot control other people but we can learn to control our response.
My empathy, ArtFriend; family relationships can be difficult.
Your relationship/situation with your brother, your niece and your brother's girl friend is difficult and complex.
I understand the desire to not want to cut off all means of contact, thereby closing the door forever. (I am in a similar situation with my brother where I struggle to understand his actions). However, I believe that maintaining your sanity and sobriety should be your #1 goal. Limiting your exposures to your brother, etc. to text messages or e-mails might be helpful; in this way, you can choose when to read the messages (when you are feeling strong) and can choose when to respond (after you considered the message and measured your response). We cannot control other people but we can learn to control our response.
My empathy, ArtFriend; family relationships can be difficult.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 2,459
Thanks Leigh...you make a good point. I am not strong enough these early days to deal with my brother's issues. I need the reflection of the forum to see that. In my mind I think I can handle anything... but I am only fooling myself I guess.
I think also why this is so hard for me is that it is one more loss in my family. That coupled with the unfairness of the way I have been treated...
I know sobriety is supposed to be first and foremost, but I find that I can easily put it on the back burner at times. Not good.
I think also why this is so hard for me is that it is one more loss in my family. That coupled with the unfairness of the way I have been treated...
I know sobriety is supposed to be first and foremost, but I find that I can easily put it on the back burner at times. Not good.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
I go with the flow in terms of my relationship with my sister, I may not speak to her for months and then maybe talk twice in one week, she lives in England and I in Ireland so there's that physical barrier.
You can only do what you can do, when we can interact with them then do your best to encourage good relations, and when you don't see them then don't beat yourself up, my sister didn't give any thought to moving hundreds of miles away, and so we're not responsible if relationships become strained by distance.
Hang in there!!
You can only do what you can do, when we can interact with them then do your best to encourage good relations, and when you don't see them then don't beat yourself up, my sister didn't give any thought to moving hundreds of miles away, and so we're not responsible if relationships become strained by distance.
Hang in there!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 819
Artfriend, I know how you feel. The family I was born into is very dysfunctional and even the ones that don't drink have used me as their scapegoat my whole life. My mother doesn't drink but she is an expert at throwing guilt and blame on me for things that I have nothing to do with. My brothers drink-it's my fault because I should help them, my sister refuses to get a job-it's my fault etc....
It's sad to say but the only way I could get sober myself and not live with their misery is to stay away from them. I send my mother a birthday card and christmas card every year and that is it. I can't change them but I ould change the way they effect me.
You don't owe your neice anything. Don't allow them to emotionally blackmail you and derail your progress.
It's sad to say but the only way I could get sober myself and not live with their misery is to stay away from them. I send my mother a birthday card and christmas card every year and that is it. I can't change them but I ould change the way they effect me.
You don't owe your neice anything. Don't allow them to emotionally blackmail you and derail your progress.
Life is an unlikely miracle.
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: England
Posts: 1,859
Hurtful stuff indeed.
Protect yourself first, deal with them, if you want to deal with them at all, on your terms and when you are ready.
It does not matter what they think of you.
Not your circus, not your monkeys.
Protect yourself first, deal with them, if you want to deal with them at all, on your terms and when you are ready.
It does not matter what they think of you.
Not your circus, not your monkeys.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
I fear that if I do, I will never know if anything major happens to my brother (who is drinking himself to death on purpose).
I still get to hear all the headlines....
D
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Illinois
Posts: 230
I had to cut off all ties to my brother and his family as well (2 nieces) Sad, because he is the only family I have left. But toxic is not something I need in my life.
And yes, Dee is correct. You will find out. I just heard from someone that my brother is once again drinking......his choice. I can't fix it. All I can do is pray for him and wish him well. I lost my younger brother to this, and I can't go through that again.
Good luck
And yes, Dee is correct. You will find out. I just heard from someone that my brother is once again drinking......his choice. I can't fix it. All I can do is pray for him and wish him well. I lost my younger brother to this, and I can't go through that again.
Good luck
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