Just told to get over it
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 399
Just told to get over it
I'm angry because I was just told to get over it and move on by a social worker. let the father just come back into his sons life and get on with things.. **** no one knows the pain I'll leave behind.. It seems like it will never be validated .. And the ex gets everything he wants while I am left to suffer .. Is any of this fair.. Does anyone care?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 399
Maybe this is what's wrong with me I have emotion and empathy.. Maybe I should just be a robot like the rest of the damaged people in this world and pretend that I'm making a big deal out of my life... And maybe I really just need to get over it.. Seeing as no one else seems to care .. Just get over it I will and become a bitter piece of work damaging more lives
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 113
People just don't understand what it's like. They don't live the craziness and it's hard to believe until you see it. Then it's way too late. Can you get a new social worker? It's just never ending madness. ::::big hugs:::::
Mischa
Mischa
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 609
Killer,
This hurts. I understand. We are left with the damage they have created. Life is not fair at times...I have been where you are so desperate for some validation. My husband walked out on me, to the bed of his enabling mistress, I got Stage 4 cancer, went on disability soon thereafter. I thought I was just going to curl up and die. I thought life was so cruel and there I lay ill with cancer alone barely being able to take care of myself let alone children and he was living it up, partying with the new enabler....my thoughts are almost embarassing to say out loud the actions that crossed my mind during those dark times!
I stand here now more healthy than I have ever been. It takes time and hard work. I had to stop looking for validation from others that my alcoholic husband was an awful person. I knew he was/is to this day in his active alcoholism. You know what he has done. Easy for someone else to say "get over it"....do not let those comments into your head. Surround yourself with people who lift you up and not tear you down.
I care. We care. We know how harsh the wrath of an alcoholic is and what it is like for them to selfishly create chaos and us being left to pick up the pieces. It is not fair but it does not matter. You have to be stronger for your son. The days you just want to give up remember your child. Be strong for your child until you can be strong for yourself. The one thing that stayed with me is if I didnt take care of myself what would happen to my little girl?
We will validate you and support you and be the loving resource you need. Do not give up!
This hurts. I understand. We are left with the damage they have created. Life is not fair at times...I have been where you are so desperate for some validation. My husband walked out on me, to the bed of his enabling mistress, I got Stage 4 cancer, went on disability soon thereafter. I thought I was just going to curl up and die. I thought life was so cruel and there I lay ill with cancer alone barely being able to take care of myself let alone children and he was living it up, partying with the new enabler....my thoughts are almost embarassing to say out loud the actions that crossed my mind during those dark times!
I stand here now more healthy than I have ever been. It takes time and hard work. I had to stop looking for validation from others that my alcoholic husband was an awful person. I knew he was/is to this day in his active alcoholism. You know what he has done. Easy for someone else to say "get over it"....do not let those comments into your head. Surround yourself with people who lift you up and not tear you down.
I care. We care. We know how harsh the wrath of an alcoholic is and what it is like for them to selfishly create chaos and us being left to pick up the pieces. It is not fair but it does not matter. You have to be stronger for your son. The days you just want to give up remember your child. Be strong for your child until you can be strong for yourself. The one thing that stayed with me is if I didnt take care of myself what would happen to my little girl?
We will validate you and support you and be the loving resource you need. Do not give up!
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
While stern and not the way I would have said it, the advice is correct. You gotta get over it and move on. Maybe he is or is not suffering no way to know. You are making assumptions you don't know - you have no contact with him.
But let's just say he is doing ok, lets say he has cleaned up his side of the street and things are ok. Do you expect him not to? Do you wish him harm? Do you hope he is still an active alcoholic and drug addict? This is the father of your child and that will never change. Is it your hope that he does not get well and will forever be a poor father to your baby, a failure which brings untold misery and harm to a child's development?
It seems to me the old adage that "misery loves company" is apropos to your situation. No, you will never get validation for the misery you are in right now because though you view it as his fault the fault is your own. You refuse advice and aren't putting the work in to heal yourself. That man only has as much power over you as you give him. and whether you believe it or not he still has all your power even though he does not have contact with you.
Please understand I am not not observing he did horrific things to you. I know that he did - I know that it took a lot for you to leave him and I know that it has taken a lot for you to remain no contact. The best case scenario here for all involved is that he DOES get his sh!t together. Would you rather he still be banging on your door at 2 am and having to call the police to haul him off to jail?
The best revenge is doing well. It truly is. Remaining in victim mode is only going to sink your ship. No one can, or is going to save you. Like the alcoholic, only you can save yourself.
But let's just say he is doing ok, lets say he has cleaned up his side of the street and things are ok. Do you expect him not to? Do you wish him harm? Do you hope he is still an active alcoholic and drug addict? This is the father of your child and that will never change. Is it your hope that he does not get well and will forever be a poor father to your baby, a failure which brings untold misery and harm to a child's development?
It seems to me the old adage that "misery loves company" is apropos to your situation. No, you will never get validation for the misery you are in right now because though you view it as his fault the fault is your own. You refuse advice and aren't putting the work in to heal yourself. That man only has as much power over you as you give him. and whether you believe it or not he still has all your power even though he does not have contact with you.
Please understand I am not not observing he did horrific things to you. I know that he did - I know that it took a lot for you to leave him and I know that it has taken a lot for you to remain no contact. The best case scenario here for all involved is that he DOES get his sh!t together. Would you rather he still be banging on your door at 2 am and having to call the police to haul him off to jail?
The best revenge is doing well. It truly is. Remaining in victim mode is only going to sink your ship. No one can, or is going to save you. Like the alcoholic, only you can save yourself.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
It is appalling, it is horrific, it is true the unbelievable amount of damage an alcholic can leave in his or her wake.
You have suffered. You continue to suffer. Your suffering is real, and it needs to be validated. And honored. That is the gift of SoberRecovery; for me, this is one of the few places where people truly "get" what happened to me.
For a social worker to say "get over it and move on" has, to me, two messages. The first is disrespect and/or incomprehension of what you have suffered.
The second message is, that we do need to move on. But feelings stuffed and/or not acknowledged can make it harder to let go; they become shadows of pain that cast their darkness on the light inside of us. We lived them; we get to feel them because they are real. It was/is hell.
I think it is Lillamy who has the Winston Churchill quote in her signature: "When you are going through hell, keep going".
I think when we own and honor ALL of our feelings, they gradually have less power over us. They get expressed and when shadows are brought into the light, they are less powerful and eventually can disappear.
So long term, you will be happier when your frame of reference is no longer your ex partner and is yourself and your own health and happiness.
I believe there is another saying attributed to Buddha about negative thoughts and energy: "Acknowledge them, but don't invite them to tea."
Take care, we hear you,
ShootingStar1
You have suffered. You continue to suffer. Your suffering is real, and it needs to be validated. And honored. That is the gift of SoberRecovery; for me, this is one of the few places where people truly "get" what happened to me.
For a social worker to say "get over it and move on" has, to me, two messages. The first is disrespect and/or incomprehension of what you have suffered.
The second message is, that we do need to move on. But feelings stuffed and/or not acknowledged can make it harder to let go; they become shadows of pain that cast their darkness on the light inside of us. We lived them; we get to feel them because they are real. It was/is hell.
I think it is Lillamy who has the Winston Churchill quote in her signature: "When you are going through hell, keep going".
I think when we own and honor ALL of our feelings, they gradually have less power over us. They get expressed and when shadows are brought into the light, they are less powerful and eventually can disappear.
So long term, you will be happier when your frame of reference is no longer your ex partner and is yourself and your own health and happiness.
I believe there is another saying attributed to Buddha about negative thoughts and energy: "Acknowledge them, but don't invite them to tea."
Take care, we hear you,
ShootingStar1
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 113
I think we all heal in our own time and in our own way. I don't think you can persuade the anger to leave. I know killers story a little more than most. She is broke. Worse than paycheck to paycheck. There is no therapy for her. There is no money. I know what it feels like to be left by your babies father for him to party and not carry any financial or otherwise burdens of the child he created. To only drag you to court over and over and then just disappear. You feel so damn desperate for some help but all over the world resources are scarce and hard to get.
I love you killer. I'm so sorry your going through this. As you son gets older it does get easier. You will be able to eventually get everything together on your own. It took me 10 years but I did it. I was living in the projects and I worked and struggled and at 28 years old I bought us a house. I had my son at 18. His father got me pregnant to keep me. I left anyway and did it on my own with him fighting me the whole way. It was hell. It took a lot of really hard work and sacrifice on my part. I had no life at all for 19 years. Nothing for me. I'm still wearing clothes that are 10 years old. I will never be rich but I will be happy.
You have me and all of us here and we support you. Your doing great. You really are. I know it doesn't feel like it but you are doing what you hVe to do to take care of your child. It pays off big time when they are grown. My son is my beys friend and I wouldn't change anything now. The payoff was worth it. Unfortunately it feels so far away for you right now that you can't see it. But you will see it. Stay the course. Forget that jerk.
I started painting and it's really therapeutic. It's helped me a lot. Abstracts. You will be really surprised what you get and what you see in those paintings. I'm always here for you. You know how to get me. If you need to talk we can schedule a time. Your strong and your a wonderful mother and person. A little broken right now but super glue can help fix that. Your son is that glue.
I wish you al the love and light In the world beautiful woman.
I love you killer. I'm so sorry your going through this. As you son gets older it does get easier. You will be able to eventually get everything together on your own. It took me 10 years but I did it. I was living in the projects and I worked and struggled and at 28 years old I bought us a house. I had my son at 18. His father got me pregnant to keep me. I left anyway and did it on my own with him fighting me the whole way. It was hell. It took a lot of really hard work and sacrifice on my part. I had no life at all for 19 years. Nothing for me. I'm still wearing clothes that are 10 years old. I will never be rich but I will be happy.
You have me and all of us here and we support you. Your doing great. You really are. I know it doesn't feel like it but you are doing what you hVe to do to take care of your child. It pays off big time when they are grown. My son is my beys friend and I wouldn't change anything now. The payoff was worth it. Unfortunately it feels so far away for you right now that you can't see it. But you will see it. Stay the course. Forget that jerk.
I started painting and it's really therapeutic. It's helped me a lot. Abstracts. You will be really surprised what you get and what you see in those paintings. I'm always here for you. You know how to get me. If you need to talk we can schedule a time. Your strong and your a wonderful mother and person. A little broken right now but super glue can help fix that. Your son is that glue.
I wish you al the love and light In the world beautiful woman.
Baby Steps
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
I agree the social worker was harsh, it's not as easy as moving on and getting over the damage and hurt they have caused. The social worker obviously doesn't have any experience in dealing with addiction or understanding into the aftermath.
People move on when they are ready and I don't think we ever get over the hurt they have caused we just learn to manage it better, I may be wrong? Your recovery is at your own pace keep the focus on you and what is right for you and your child, your a strong amazing person please try and remember that.
Tight hugs
People move on when they are ready and I don't think we ever get over the hurt they have caused we just learn to manage it better, I may be wrong? Your recovery is at your own pace keep the focus on you and what is right for you and your child, your a strong amazing person please try and remember that.
Tight hugs
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
This....
Tight hugs my friend. I am here, reading this, I support you!!!!
Tight hugs my friend. I am here, reading this, I support you!!!!
Originally Posted by readerbaby71 
It is not fair, but staying stuck in the past and holding resentment and anger is hurting no one but you. Intensive therapy may help you a lot right now. I'm so sorry you're hurting.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Naples FL
Posts: 61
Get yourself another counselor as soon as you can. The wrong ones can cause more damage than good. I fired one and went to another and it has been an amazing support and my entire family goes, individual and marital counseling! Family counseling will begin when all are ready~Everyone working on issues. Alanon also big help~HUGS!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
KI- WE all understand the hxll that you have gone through. We validate that, as we all have gone through our own hxll. They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
Good for you to post here as we all understand and when you are strong enough and ready you will move on. But only when you are ready, as only when the addict is ready to get sober, they will!!
Stay strong, you can achieve anything you set your mind out to do!!
Good for you to post here as we all understand and when you are strong enough and ready you will move on. But only when you are ready, as only when the addict is ready to get sober, they will!!
Stay strong, you can achieve anything you set your mind out to do!!
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
You do need to move on. I'm suspecting you kind of know that. And I think the role of a social worker or therapist is to help provide you with the tools you need to do that. Telling you that you need to move on without giving you the tools is sort of like a doctor telling you you've got a broken leg without giving you a cast and a set of crutches.
I don't think you need to "get over it" however. I think, like Shooting Star said, you need to get through it. Which means -- using the same analogy -- that you will be in pain and you will be hobbling for a while before you can start moving on without crutches.
And that's OK. It won't always feel this way.
I don't think you need to "get over it" however. I think, like Shooting Star said, you need to get through it. Which means -- using the same analogy -- that you will be in pain and you will be hobbling for a while before you can start moving on without crutches.
And that's OK. It won't always feel this way.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 399
Thanks guys I am doing everything in my power to 'get over it' working more than one program and have been for a very long time.. There really isn't anything else I can do to 'get over it' other than wait for time to pass. I have a doctor, three counsellors and am working the alanon program.. What more can I honestly do??????????!!!!?????!!!!! How is that not trying to change... And make myself a better person? People have some insane expectations that are impossible.. If I could snap out of it don't they think I would... Or do they think I just love feeling down and hurt and depressed... Don't people realise it's a process ???? I feel so angry because I've been through so much and there all these expectations for me to be perfect over night it's a expectation that's impossible to meet. Does anyone know of anyone who's just gotten over it the minute someone's told them too?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Killerinstinct....it just sucks that some people are just insensitive and don't have much empathy. Don't worry killerinstinct...Karma will take care of her!
Personally, I would take her off m y Christmas card list!
Try to remember that there are some really good and kind people in this world, also.
(thank heavens).
dandylion
Personally, I would take her off m y Christmas card list!
Try to remember that there are some really good and kind people in this world, also.
(thank heavens).
dandylion
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Sorry to be a dissenting voice here, but how long has your social worker been trying to encourage you to move on? If you are stuck, maybe they had to resort to being more "in your face."
I think we have all seen people in these programs who attend meetings, but stay stuck in the same place for 20 years. How does recovery really happen to us? I think it is nothing short of a miracle, just like an addict going sober for life.
I think we have all seen people in these programs who attend meetings, but stay stuck in the same place for 20 years. How does recovery really happen to us? I think it is nothing short of a miracle, just like an addict going sober for life.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 399
Three months EAUCH.. However this is five years I've been in this situation. Well if she's just sick and tired of hearing me complain she isn't in the right job if you ask me... She's got not concept and I dare anyone in hear to tell someone who went through the holocaust to get over it... They wouldn't... So why is my situation any different... I am traumatised you can't just snap out of trauma.
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