Briar

I’m feeling a little better this morning after my terrible hangover yesterday. I still threw up this morning, but I think that was because of anxiety. I think the anxiety is my worst hangover symptom. It’s awful on its own, and it makes everything else feel 100 times worse. But I’m back and ready to move forward and figure out what went wrong and what I can do to address that. It’s hard to gather up the strength. I have to do the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and I have to do it when I’m at my weakest. I feel like I’m in a cage with a hungry lion. When it’s not on me, it’s sitting there growling at me. I’m trying to get stronger and smarter with each slip, but it’s hard not to feel weaker and dumber each time I discover a new way it can get me. But if I want to live, I have no choice, I get that. So I’ll get up and keep fighting. I hope everyone has a good, sober day.

SoberLeigh

We have to know and understand the enemy to beat it. You are headed in the right direction, Briar; it gets easier with time. Don't give up - ever. Sobriety is worth every second of the time and every ounce of the effort - I promise.

ccam1973

Fight through this Briar. Living life sober, actually LIVING versus just going through the motions of a drunk existence is so worth the effort.

You can do it and never have to feel like you do today or yesterday again.

Best of luck!

Ghostlight1

The anxiety would be all over me like a wet suit after a drunk, too.
Just remember you never have to feel this way again if you don't take that first drink.
Keep in mind how you feel now. Believe me, things can get worse. They don't have to, though.
I went through ten years of how you feel now. It was a nightmare.
It's been over three years sober for me now, and I was a serious drunk, and things are great. I've learned how to live again. You can, too. As you say, get up and keep on trying. It took me many attempts. But this can be your last.
Best to you in the fight.

least

Never give up!

sprout50

You can do this! And remember, if you don't drink again,you won't have to feel that horrible anxiety anymore.

PurpleKnight

Hang in there Briar!! You can do this!!

Briar

Thanks guys. I'm about to head home from work in a few minutes, and I'm so anxious about going home by myself (with my little daughter, but no other adults) with so much to do at home after a long day at work. This is always my main trigger. I think I'm going to order a pizza and try to stay distracted. I absolutely hate going home to my house in the evening and switching to wife/mother mode. It should be the best part of my day, but it's the worst. It makes me feel SO alone.

Briar

And I'm getting a cold... I can think of a thousand negative things. Maybe I should start a gratitude journal, that has helped before. I have so many things to be happy about if I can just get myself to accept them.

SoberLeigh

Why des going home make you feel so alone, Briar?

melki

Briar, I know! Being a mother is EXHAUSTING! It's exhausting enough without the raging addiction in the mix. When we think alcohol will dull the pain or relieve the stress, that's true for a very short-lived moment. In the long run, it takes so much life force out of you and only makes everything worse. Start healing yourself little by little. Start small. When you're tired, go to bed. You need to start treating yourself with kindness. Start that gratitude journal for sure if that helps you. And above all don't drink.

melki

Also, you may feel guilty about not enjoying motherhood. I didn't either when I was in the throes of addiction. I was rushing through the bedtime reading just to get to my booze. I can tell you it gets easier when there's no alcohol in the mix. You will start enjoying your child more and you will be stronger to handle the curve balls the little darling throws at you too.

Ordering a pizza and staying distracted sounds good! Get through tonight first. Not every day will be fabulous, but every day you get through it without drinking will be a victory.

Briar

I've been thinking about that a lot - why do I feel so alone and overwhelmed at home? My home is not hard to maintain, I only have one child to raise (which is our choice, we aren't trying for any more), I have a wonderful family, I am very blessed. And I have a difficult day job that I can handle just fine, so I don't know why being a wife and mother seems so hard. It started when I had my baby and has been a problem for 3 years. I stayed home with her for 6 months, which was an amazing privilege, but I was very depressed. I woke up every morning and cried because I just wanted the day to be over. I looked at my precious baby and felt nothing but fear and shame. I was nursing, so I didn't drink much, but it was slowly starting to escalate. I had friends and family nearby, but I couldn't bear to face anyone or ask for help. I was relieved when I returned to work because it felt so much more controllable, but I continued to struggle, and since then I always hate coming home. I tried antidepressants after I stopped nursing, but I didn't find them to be helpful. So that's how I came to hate coming home and chugging vodka in the garage the second I pulled in (before I even unbuckled the car seat). I don't know how to undo this feeling that I wish my beautiful, perfect daughter had been born to someone else because I can't do this.

melki

Oh, Briar, this is such a burden to carry. I am not a natural caregiver either and motherhood is not easy for me. I'm a lot more comfortable handling professional challenges. I was never a babies and little kids person, but I found children a lot easier to handle and relate to as they grew older. You are at a difficult age right now, it will get easier. Do you do something at night that you enjoy? Anything you can look forward to after you put your daughter to bed? Other than vodka of course.

Briar

I need to find some things I enjoy doing in the evening. Everything is tied up with drinking right now. I've done everything drunk for so long, I've kind of tainted everything. I've always enjoyed cooking, though, and did that a lot when I was sober last year. I don't cook well when I'm drinking for obvious reasons. I did cook drunk all the time because dinner wasn't going to cook itself, but it's a way different process when I'm sober. So there's that. I'm sure things will clear out a bit with time. Right now nothing feels safe.

melki

You're still down from recent drinking. You will find things you enjoy again and everything will start sorting itself out. As soon as you remove alcohol from everyday life, I promise you it will. It was very scary for me too as it was a huge part of my life for so long, tied to everything. You can do it.

I enjoy cooking too, but being the only person responsible for all meals got to me after awhile. We made a deal that my husband now cooks one meal a week, it could even be breakfast, and even that one little change made a difference. How's that pizza?

In the evenings, I now look forward to some treats like ice cream or special foods, good book or show, and SR. I also go to bed before midnight now.

Briar

Good ideas, thanks. I even find that having the TV on helps. It stops me from thinking so much (which is why my mom always said it was bad for us kids ). It also is comforting just to hear a voice in the house. I keep a journal too but have been writing such miserable stuff, I want to take a break from it. I just need to figure out how to get out of my head and relax.

instant

I found the way forward for me was to stop fighting and crawl out of the cage- the lion had won and was getting stronger and I was the reverse- it would never end well,

Briar

I didn't think of actually being able to get out of the cage, only of being trapped in there forever. Thanks for giving me another way of looking at it. I don't see my options sometimes (okay, often).

SoberLeigh

Briar, my sincere apologies for asking a question and then disappearing; I fell asleep. (But there's the beauty of SR at work; Melki and instant were there with wisdom, understanding and support).

On the surface, motherhood seems so simple but the reality is that it is complicated and challenging despite its blessings and rewards. I suspect that many Moms experience the feelings and concerns that you have expressed (especially as they adjust to it) but don't have the courage to admit it.