KCrazy

My XABF has been sober for a couple weeks now... But bc of SR and Alanon, I am NOT jumping for joy yet... I understand the long road ahead, the process... I understand that neighbors don't understand, won't understand, can't understand, and so I'm being shunned... He's sober and wouldn't/won't b around us otherwise... He's been hanging around the past few days, spending time, helping w chores... I came home tonight, alone, no XABF, and my two lady friends (?) couldn't get inside fast enough, as to escape having to speak to me, so I texted my bestie and asked what was going on... She came right out and said that if he came back, she would b staying away... He left over 2 months ago after a physical altercation, he was drunk of course, he slapped me... But I'm confused, she has/had been so supportive of us getting help, working on ourselves, his sobriety, the possibility of us being together again... Now we r being treated as if he's a monster and I'm a disease, not to mention, my child being told their children can't play w her... I see the logic behind SOME of it, but not all... Why not talk to me? Ask me what's going on? How I'm doing? Why not let your children play w mine while you supervise them, as you usually would... You say you care and this is how you tell us? Show us? How are we supposed to be the friends we were BEFORE he chose sobriety? It just seems so backwards!!!

53500

Perhaps your friends think you should not give this guy who slapped you another chance. It's not for them to say of course, it's up to you. But just as you are free to give him another chance, they are free to not like that you're doing so.

Time will tell. Keep yourself and your kids safe.

lillamy

Honestly? I can come at this from two different directions:

1) When I left AXH (after violence and death threats), I lost one of my best friends. She didn't say anything either, just disappeared, but I heard from mutual friends that she had simply helped too many abused women get out of their relationships, let them cry on her shoulder, and supported them through breakups only to see them get right back into the relationships again with the same guy. She said "I'm done, I can't handle it anymore." And it hurt, but I get it. I got it. She couldn't know that I was done, because that's what the other women she had helped had said, too...

2) Where I am now, I would say to you exactly what your friend said. I'll be here and support you and help you in any way I can -- but if you get back together with him, I'm done. Why? Because abusers don't get better. A drunk might get sober, but a man who has it in him to hit a woman, in my experience, is a bad person who will continue being a bad person whether sober or drunk. I don't want to deal with another abuser, I don't want my children exposed to a potentially dangerous person -- I care about you, but not enough to put me and my kids in danger.

Is your ex working any kind of program? Has he been to rehab? How do you know he's been sober?

Hopeworks

Unless the A has been in locked down facility or is carrying and blowing into a soberalert Breathalyzer every four hours there is no way to determine if he is actually been abstinent from alcohol. Abstinence or the absence of alcohol does not equal recovery and in most cases is short lived...what sticks for a lifetime of authentic recovery is when a program of action is diligently pursued by the A and the motivation for that is often to have a chance to restore damaged relationships.

My experience with my own XA that my quickly mounting him back up in the saddle brought his sense of entitlement and assurance that he ALWAYS could talk his way back through the door with his endless promises and of course...that he was "sober".

And sober he was...when his happy home was at risk or we dealing with the aftermath of his alcoholic insanity (never violence as he was more at risk from me than I from him...another story there) HE was MR. PERFECT... so sweet and darling until the heat was turned down a bit. He could go a few months and even as long as 6 or 8 but he would get real thirsty and eventually he was off and running on another binge until he broke out in handcuffs or a hospital bed.

2 weeks. Its easy to stop drinking...real easy. The hard part is staying sober for a lifetime and becoming a great dad, husband and human being while being sober. Learning to live as a loving unselfish person without the drink or drugs...that's the tough road that takes more than promises.

Your neighbors and friends probably have an A or addict in their own family...most of us do... and they are worried that you are moving too quickly with a person with a violent history and a substance abuse problem.

redatlanta

From your post 9/2013 - Hello everyone, been reading all of your thoughts and feelings for about a week now, thought it was time to post my own... Been with my xabf for 8 1/2 years, on and off... He's left too many times to count, days, weeks, months, at a time, but always to return, make amends and false promises. I found alanon about a month before the incident that resulted in him leaving AGAIN, he's been gone almost 2 months now.

Your friends have lived this journey with you. Like anything we become accustomed to things, and the insanity of your relationship becomes normal to those closest to us. Your last break up resulted in a physical altercation. I think your friends have drawn the line and see that once again you are letting this person back into your life who has minimal sobriety, and a very long history of treating you poorly. By your own admission he has left you more times that you can count. I'm sure there is much more to the story as living with an Alcoholic is always drama central.

What your friends are doing is setting boundaries. Those boundaries are for them and while you are taking it personally (and I get it), they don't "not care" about you anymore. There has been a period of peace this time with him gone - you have gone to Al Anon, you have made strides to help yourself. What they are seeing is the same behavior that they have seen for years, and have opted not to participate anymore. They don't owe him an opportunity to make amends and get it right. Neither do you - but that is up to you.

In my experience Friends and Family are way less forgiving than we are ourselves when it comes to the people we love and the actions they take that are detrimental to us. Because their sight is not clouded by "love" they can see things unbiased, and how the situation really is, rather than how we who love the person want the situation to be.