Do you confront?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Iowa
Posts: 15
Do you confront?
Say your AH said he was only going to drink one beer tonight. He looked you straight in the eye and said he would only just have one. ( ya ya I know never happens) he lies and drinks another and another. Do you confront him? What do you do or have done? Honestly I'm so fed up I lost my cool tonight. I don't know how much more I can go through.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
Confronting him won't do any good. It will just start a fight and then he'll have an even better excuse to drink more. You know he's going to do whatever he wants to do, so you have no options other than to take care of yourself and your children, if you have any.
Have you considered attending al-anon meetings? They can help you learn to detach from his actions and concentrate on your own well being. You don't have to allow his actions to make you miserable. You deserve better. (((HUGS)))
Have you considered attending al-anon meetings? They can help you learn to detach from his actions and concentrate on your own well being. You don't have to allow his actions to make you miserable. You deserve better. (((HUGS)))
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
I used to, and it led to a big blowup every time. Nothing out of my mouth was ever going to penetrate his denial, but I kept trying anyway. That was MY denial and MY disease. Alanon really helped straighten out my thinking.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I did before I learned better in recovery. Now I think I would handle it better, but we all have our limits & handle things better or worse at times. Don't stress over what is done, put that effort into changing what hasn't yet happened. 
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Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Southeastern Michigan
Posts: 137
No--but the next time he says that, I'd say, "Don't lie to me--we both know that's not a promise you can ever keep."
And the the next day I'd again reinforce and tell him I'm not interested in being lied to anymore.
At least it's a common decency he can give you.
The lack of these little dances of deception seem to bring more peace of mind to me.
And the the next day I'd again reinforce and tell him I'm not interested in being lied to anymore.
At least it's a common decency he can give you.
The lack of these little dances of deception seem to bring more peace of mind to me.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
BJB did he lie in response to you suggesting he shouldn't drink? His focus would have been to get the first down the hatch and after that he just couldn't stop.
It's probably going to continue until he sees the need for treatment, so think about what your relationship's going to look like in the future and what you'll put up with.
It's probably going to continue until he sees the need for treatment, so think about what your relationship's going to look like in the future and what you'll put up with.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 64
Originally Posted by cazzap06 
I knew my AD was lying , she knew she was lying , she even knew that I knew she was lying , but still she couldn't help lying
In my experience not having a negative or confrontational reaction had a WAY bigger impact on my AH then actually reacting. By not reacting, he was unable to use arguing and fighting as a distraction from the real topic. I would usually go upstairs, get on my phone and start reading up on addiction and co-dependency. (This is before I found SR, which has been invaluable help for me). It would be a constant reminder that he is sick, and not doing things to intentionally hurt me...it was all part of his addiction. (It takes practice-I know it's very hard to not take it personally)! If he would approach me, I would kindly tell him I really didn't feel like talking about this tonight, or I would feel more comfortable talking to him tomorrow. By my reaction, or lack of one for that matter, he had to focus on himself. What he chooses to do with that is unfortunately out of our hands. We can only control what we choose to do with it for ourselves.
Just like cazzap06 said: you know he is lying,he knows he is lying, and he knows you know he is lying. Don't give him the opportunity to blame you or twist something you say.
You have every right to be angry and frustrated. But that is where the part of getting yourself help will be effective. You will learn through research and programs like Alanon how to set healthy boundaries and take care of yourself. By reading and educating myself about addiction, has really helped me not be so angry at him but at his disease. I stopped playing the Mom role...he is a grown, capable, educated adult. I started taking care of myself and things started falling into place.
Keep posting and reading!! You will really get some invaluable advise here! Deep breath! You can always pm me if you need to talk
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Iowa
Posts: 15
Honestly I don't know what to do for myself. Sounds bad but it's the truth. It was a bad morning here. After I confronted him (stupidly, I shouldn't have done that, anger took over) He took off to the bar. 7 am rolls around and he isn't up for work. I wake him up and it starts again. I asked him when he came home last night and he said he didn't remember, then I asked how much money he spent and he wouldn't tell me. Then he started screaming about how I am MAKING him do something he doesn't want to do. I guess he is right, I don't know why I even waste my time.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Nope, he is not right. He is manipulating you to feel guilty so you will shut up. I am sorry, that sounds very harsh, but it's the truth. Unless you held him down and poured booze into his mouth, you DID NOT cause him to drink.
I suggest Alanon or Celebrate Recovery so you can have face to face support and some self care. I also benefitted in a huge way by seeing a therapist that specializes in helping families who struggle with addiction.
You did not cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it.
I suggest Alanon or Celebrate Recovery so you can have face to face support and some self care. I also benefitted in a huge way by seeing a therapist that specializes in helping families who struggle with addiction.
You did not cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Originally Posted by BooJudeBoo
Honestly I don't know what to do for myself. Sounds bad but it's the truth. It was a bad morning here. After I confronted him (stupidly, I shouldn't have done that, anger took over) He took off to the bar. 7 am rolls around and he isn't up for work. I wake him up and it starts again. I asked him when he came home last night and he said he didn't remember, then I asked how much money he spent and he wouldn't tell me. Then he started screaming about how I am MAKING him do something he doesn't want to do. I guess he is right, I don't know why I even waste my time.
I have learned through my own recovery in Alanon that I can only change my own behavior and control my reactions. I am powerless over other people, places and things and a lot of the misery in my life stemmed from trying to make life look a certain way because I thought that would make me happy.
Now I find happiness in my life as it is. I accept what is out of my control and change what I can. I ask myself "how important is it?" and let go of little things. I have stopped taking responsibility for other people's self created problems, and I keep a quarantine zone between myself and other people's drama.
Keep going to alanon, read the literature, talk to other members. I am a very shy person irl and it took me some time to really feel like part of the group, even though everyone was so nice and welcoming. I am involved in service and have made many friends and become more outgoing as a result.
Start looking at what makes you happy, even just one small thing, and take a step toward it. None of this stuff happens overnight, but the process starts when you start making little changes for yourself.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
Confronting my AH just makes it worse, as everyone else has said. Mine just continues to lie about it, no matter how obvious it is, and that makes me even more furious. It is really hard for me to not confront him, becuase I get SO angry, and I feel like if I don't, then he thinks I don't know and he gets away with it, and I just can't stand that! But.... the times I have held it in, I am always glad that I did....
Hang in there
Hang in there
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 76
Originally Posted by Kboys
Confronting my AH just makes it worse, as everyone else has said. Mine just continues to lie about it, no matter how obvious it is, and that makes me even more furious. It is really hard for me to not confront him, becuase I get SO angry, and I feel like if I don't, then he thinks I don't know and he gets away with it, and I just can't stand that! But.... the times I have held it in, I am always glad that I did.... Hang in there
Sending you hugs!
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I had one sit down with my X when he was sober. Told him to just listen to me for a few mins. I told him I knew he was actively drinking and that lying about it just made it much worse. That I did not know where it was going to go from there, but that lying would make it much worse.
He continued to lie, but I felt like I had my one say about it, which was good. I reminded him of this when we divorced b/c it did progress as alcoholism always does.
Basically he would drink and one of two things would happen. I would find his empties (on accident, I had stopped searching for them MUCH earlier as I quickly found out that drove me to the brink of insanity), and I would simply sit them on the table for him to see. He knew I knew. There was no point in discussing it.
The other possibility is that he would lie, I would know. I would look at him and simply state, Ok, and walk away. There was no point in going through the whole song and dance just knowing that it would happen again two days later.
It was not until I changed myself and my expectations of what I could and could not tolerate that anything actually changed. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.
He continued to lie, but I felt like I had my one say about it, which was good. I reminded him of this when we divorced b/c it did progress as alcoholism always does.
Basically he would drink and one of two things would happen. I would find his empties (on accident, I had stopped searching for them MUCH earlier as I quickly found out that drove me to the brink of insanity), and I would simply sit them on the table for him to see. He knew I knew. There was no point in discussing it.
The other possibility is that he would lie, I would know. I would look at him and simply state, Ok, and walk away. There was no point in going through the whole song and dance just knowing that it would happen again two days later.
It was not until I changed myself and my expectations of what I could and could not tolerate that anything actually changed. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Ancaster, ON
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by Sikofit
No--but the next time he says that, I'd say, "Don't lie to me--we both know that's not a promise you can ever keep."
And the the next day I'd again reinforce and tell him I'm not interested in being lied to anymore.
At least it's a common decency he can give you.
The lack of these little dances of deception seem to bring more peace of mind to me.
And the the next day I'd again reinforce and tell him I'm not interested in being lied to anymore.
At least it's a common decency he can give you.
The lack of these little dances of deception seem to bring more peace of mind to me.
Keep on getting support for yourself and learn as much as you can.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I don't know why I even waste my time.
you have three small children and a desire to provide them with a stable happy household. that's why you try. the problem here is your AH is not interested in any of that....he's verbally abusive to you at every turn, not that long ago when your 18 mo old was left in his care, he was drunk and had some strange off the street person to party with. he goes out and gets drunk when he has work the next day. he makes it your fault.
it's not like he's even half-assed TRYING to change....he's just the opposite, determined to keep doing what he's doing, damn the consequences. and that makes you and the kids collateral damage. and it makes him a complete @ss.
you have three small children and a desire to provide them with a stable happy household. that's why you try. the problem here is your AH is not interested in any of that....he's verbally abusive to you at every turn, not that long ago when your 18 mo old was left in his care, he was drunk and had some strange off the street person to party with. he goes out and gets drunk when he has work the next day. he makes it your fault.
it's not like he's even half-assed TRYING to change....he's just the opposite, determined to keep doing what he's doing, damn the consequences. and that makes you and the kids collateral damage. and it makes him a complete @ss.
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