Step 4 is so hard for me!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Colorado, USA
Posts: 433
One place to start is, with a list of your strengths. Don't know your strengths? Ask your friends, consider the things you enjoy doing, what do those things require from you? Creativity? Persistence? Kindness? Energy? Calm? Sense of humor? Organization? First make a list of your strengths/what you like about yourself/what others like about you and keep adding to it when you think of something else. Keep it handy and read often :-).
Another place some people start is journaling. Start anywhere with anything. What are your fears about the step? What are your hopes? ... Or, simply list a timeline of your life events from birth to now. If that's too much, write down one thing for every five years of your life until now. Still too much? Jot down a list of your favorite things. Start where you can start. Look at it as listing the facts, like taking inventory of what's on the store shelf. Step back, look at what's on the shelf, scribble it down. Just start, simple as that.
Some people use the columns method from the Big Book. First column is - make a list of all people, places, things that you resent/bothers you/hurt you/etc. Just a list. It's only a list. 2nd column is - what they did. 3rd column - how it affected you. 4th column - what was your part? In Al-Anon, some of us add a fifth column - What would my (compassionate and loving) higher power say to me? It really, really helps to work the steps with a sponsor; keeps you on track, catches your pitfalls and blindspots.
There are many ways to approach Step 4. It's not a one-time deal and you're done. Every time I do Step 4, I learn something new, peel back another layer, have a new insight, go deeper than I could the first time. It's progress not perfection. Start where you are with what you can. It's easy :-). Sometimes I use Step 4 every day, now that I know how to do it - first time with a sponsor's guidance.
It's a great journey! Best wishes to you....
Another place some people start is journaling. Start anywhere with anything. What are your fears about the step? What are your hopes? ... Or, simply list a timeline of your life events from birth to now. If that's too much, write down one thing for every five years of your life until now. Still too much? Jot down a list of your favorite things. Start where you can start. Look at it as listing the facts, like taking inventory of what's on the store shelf. Step back, look at what's on the shelf, scribble it down. Just start, simple as that.
Some people use the columns method from the Big Book. First column is - make a list of all people, places, things that you resent/bothers you/hurt you/etc. Just a list. It's only a list. 2nd column is - what they did. 3rd column - how it affected you. 4th column - what was your part? In Al-Anon, some of us add a fifth column - What would my (compassionate and loving) higher power say to me? It really, really helps to work the steps with a sponsor; keeps you on track, catches your pitfalls and blindspots.
There are many ways to approach Step 4. It's not a one-time deal and you're done. Every time I do Step 4, I learn something new, peel back another layer, have a new insight, go deeper than I could the first time. It's progress not perfection. Start where you are with what you can. It's easy :-). Sometimes I use Step 4 every day, now that I know how to do it - first time with a sponsor's guidance.
It's a great journey! Best wishes to you....
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
It took me months.
I too closed each writing period with my positives. The journal I used also recommended to just focus on your big 10 faults and at least 10 positives. This really helped not get too overwhelmed. It does make sense if you manage to address and eventually let go of 10 poor behaviors/attitudes/beliefs That is pretty life changing - especially when you emphasize your positive things!
Good luck!
I too closed each writing period with my positives. The journal I used also recommended to just focus on your big 10 faults and at least 10 positives. This really helped not get too overwhelmed. It does make sense if you manage to address and eventually let go of 10 poor behaviors/attitudes/beliefs That is pretty life changing - especially when you emphasize your positive things!
Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Do you have a sponsor guiding you?
When I was workin on my 4th step I was rockin on it. Gettin everything on paper and not just the resentment list but the fear and sex inventory,too. Then I heard at a meeting one day someone comin back after drinking. They said they got to their 4th step and drank. I realized I had been hearing that a bit, so asked an old timer after the meeting.
"why are these People sayin they got to the 4th step and drank and I'm rockin on it??"
"because you did the first three steps" was his reply.
When I was workin on my 4th step I was rockin on it. Gettin everything on paper and not just the resentment list but the fear and sex inventory,too. Then I heard at a meeting one day someone comin back after drinking. They said they got to their 4th step and drank. I realized I had been hearing that a bit, so asked an old timer after the meeting.
"why are these People sayin they got to the 4th step and drank and I'm rockin on it??"
"because you did the first three steps" was his reply.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 765
Usually, fear stops people from doing the 4th step.
Those who drink might not he ready yet or they aren't having a real spiritual
Solution being built as they go along in their writing.
There are other variables too of course, sometimes they get into a relationship or a lived one dies, but the first things I mentioned are usually the case.
I did my 4th step out of AAs Big Book. It includes my codependnecy and adult
Child issues. It's slow but very effective
If someone guides you, you can see the Book from a set of Alanon eyes.
Same disease, different addiction
Those who drink might not he ready yet or they aren't having a real spiritual
Solution being built as they go along in their writing.
There are other variables too of course, sometimes they get into a relationship or a lived one dies, but the first things I mentioned are usually the case.
I did my 4th step out of AAs Big Book. It includes my codependnecy and adult
Child issues. It's slow but very effective
If someone guides you, you can see the Book from a set of Alanon eyes.
Same disease, different addiction
It`s ok to stay sober
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Central NC
Posts: 20,902
I used the big book and met weekly with my sponsor and he and I went over the work to check my progress and to make sure I was on the right track.
The fight you are having isn`t against the work,it is a battle against self.Self is resisting you making progress and causing you trouble.By doing the work you are trying to kill self and it don`t like it.
Keep doing it and see it thru
The fight you are having isn`t against the work,it is a battle against self.Self is resisting you making progress and causing you trouble.By doing the work you are trying to kill self and it don`t like it.
Keep doing it and see it thru
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
I used the Alanon Blueprint for Progress workbook. I set a goal to work on it for 20 minutes a night. Sometimes I had to close the book and walk away after 10, other nights I'd get on a roll and go for a half hour or 45 minutes. Both those things were OK. Just answering one question is a step forward. It took me about six weeks and I was pretty good about working on it daily. I wanted to be very thorough. I wrote out the results in my journal for that time period since I journal daily. I use composition notebooks so I blocked out several pages at the end to use for my inventory. I ended up with about 20 handwritten pages, front and back.
It was grueling and upsetting at times, but it made a huge difference in my recovery. Big hugs, I know that this is a tough step, but any time spent working on you is time well spent.
It was grueling and upsetting at times, but it made a huge difference in my recovery. Big hugs, I know that this is a tough step, but any time spent working on you is time well spent.
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