Amester

I'm on day 8 after detoxing off heroin at home. I feel ok, not the greatest but I spent all last week in bed. Not eating, showering, talking to anyone much. Now I have a week ahead with nothing to really do. I don't have to spend the day sick in bed anymore.

I've been trying to connect with sober people especially women in my area cuz I dont really have any friends left. No clean female friends anyway. I'm in the suburbs with no vehicle.

Can anyone suggest any hobbies or activities I can do at home or anything on my iPad like good apps or games, something good to read or watch? I have iBooks and Netflix, Hulu, amazon video...

Just any help to get thru week 2, even someone who'd be willing to message with me and chat a bit or check in everyday?

Soberwolf

Reading ?

Well done on day 8 Amester

lonelynn

My husband made it through the wd's by running every morning...once the initial hell was over, I mean. He drank lots of water and just tried his damnedest to sweat as much as possible to detox, while detoxing.

Try18

Have you tried one of the fellowships? It would be a good way to meet more women in recovery, and if you call your local helpline they may be able to arrange for someone to come pick you up?

Amester

Actually i called the NA helpline today and they're having technical problems and I couldn't speak to anyone. I was disappointed, I'll keep trying though.

MavisTheFairy13

Well done on day 8!!!
I come on SR a lot and that really helps
I love my hypno cds too for stress relief and positive thinking.
I'm a huge Buffy fan and I don't really have time to watch these days but I could easily sit and watch the whole series back to back!
You are doing great! Keep posting!

Dee74

There must be something in here that will get your mind working amester

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ething-do.html

D

happyandfree

I watched tv series on netflix. ....the sopranos, breaking bad, orange is the new black, true detective, nurse jackie...until I felt better and felt like getting active again. And I ate a lot of ice cream

DefconOne

Great question and fill it up with something. I'm a reader and walker. I am very comfortable in the company of myself. I don't get bored. Early in recovery I liked walking to the local library, reading and walking back. I fill up a back pack with fresh water and fruit and just go. At home, I'm into movies, sports, cooking, politics, internet chat sites and I go to meetings at least 3 times a week. Now that I have a part time job I drive more. I'm thinking of getting a full-time job then living as close as possible to the job so I can walk back and forth.

Amester

Tonight I suddenly panicked that I can't do this, stay clean, have a normal life. I've been an addict my whole adult life, I can't stand the feeling of being in my own skin. I tried reaching out to some women in recovery today and no one called me back.

My dad's a functional alcoholic so there's over a dozen bottles of different kinds of alcohol in the house. And my parents don't care if I drink just no hard drugs. So I'm suddenly drinking mudslides, chugging is more appropriate, cause suddenly I felt like I couldn't spend one more second sober.

I will never be able to do this.

lonelynn

Yes you can!!!

Stevie1

I feel so badly for you Amester.

I don't know what I could do to help, but I hope you find some IRL connections.

And, yes you CAN do this. You want to, that's a big part of the battle right there. You just need to find a local network of support, since apparently your parents aren't all that. When you get your head straight again, start brainstorming for other avenues that can help you. Very few of us do this all on our own, you know. We all need help. You just need to find yours.

Amester

Thank you so much for the support and encouragement, but my problem is, do I want to?

The idea of spending the rest of my life with no drugs and alcohol makes me want to completely give up right now. My own counselor said all I care about is seeking drugs and the people in my life may need to start accepting that I will never get better.

Stevie1

What do YOU think? Do you think your counselor is too negative, or full of it?
It's all up to you, really.
The idea of spending the rest of my life straight and sober isn't all fairy rainbow farts and delightfulness either, to tell you the truth. But I do realise that continuing the way I was, was killing me. I'm not doing AA but "one day at a time" is working for me so far.

It's a free country and it is your choice. Do you want to give up now and get high into oblivion, or do you want to keep (and possibly die) fighting?
Pick one or the other.

Amester

honestly that's a tough question to answer. continuing to get high would mean being thrown out of my parents' home, probably not on the streets but living on the couches of junkie friends and that sort of thing. I wouldn't last long, my heroin habit is bad, I even mix in other drugs, an OD would happen probably within the next few months. and to support my habit I'd be back into prostitution. it's not a pretty picture.

do I want that? mostly no, but honestly part of me think thats just where I'm going to end up and I'm not worth more than that. People die of heroin on the streets all the time, I'm no better than any of them.

I'm 32, I'm on disability, I have no kids or boyfriend or any of that. Nothing really to get out of bed for. I have parents, family, and friends who love me to death and would do anything to make sure Im ok. But sadly that's never been enough to keep me clean. I just feel like there"s not much to live for or stay clean for at this point.

Stevie1

I've had friends who blew it on drugs and gave up and died because they thought they weren't worth fighting for. In each case, I disagreed - they (and you) were articulate, valuable, smart people.

This is going to sound hackneyed and trite, Amester: but you sound depressed. This is treatable. Your view of your current circumstances is not grounded in reality and you may be mentally ill. You did not ask for or want this, and it is not your fault. Repeat that, OK? Call it brain chemistry, call it brain cooties, call it whatever you want but saying here's not much to live for is disordered thinking and you can get better.

I'm not blowing smoke up your ass here. PM me if you want to vent, but know that your current thinking is valid, but not real, OK?

Hereandnow2

I feel awful for you. There is so much more to life than getting high. You said what your choices are prostitution or death or being sober, doesn't this sound like a crazy thing to even consider? It really is crazy because that is what our addictions do to us ! Your addict voice is talking to you and your listening! Tell it to F off and focus on getting through the next hour. That's it. Try not to get ahead of yourself. Praying for u. You can pm me too

Meraviglioso

Amester, this is heartbreaking to read. You are 32, you have years ahead of you in which you could find a boyfriend, have children, have a happy, healthy life.

Have you seen this story? She was able to get clean and make a life for herself: I went from heroin addict to PTA mom - CNN.com

Instead of using this week, I would suggest getting your heads on as much literature as you can about drug addiction. There is a section here on recommended books about alcoholism, drug addiction and other subjects of interest to people like us.

I would highly suggest finding a new counselor. I am angry and appalled on your behalf that they said your family should accept you will never get better. You absolutely can get better.

I don't think now is the time, but soon you should also start looking for legal work as well. What are your skills? Do you have a degree? What would you like to do?

I am truly sorry to hear that no one called you back when you reached out for help. Please continue to come on here. Feel free to PM me anytime you need. I am in and out throughout the day (and several hours ahead of you) but I will respond every time you write.
We also have a lovely member here- who hasn't been around as much lately, but I hope she is ok. She is an alcoholic, trying to stay clean and has worked to pay her bills by stripping. You might find the two of you have some things in common. As for your work as a prostitute, try not to get back into that. You have nothing to be ashamed of. I might be in the minority here, but I believe work is work and you do what you have to do. But although it is not something to be ashamed of, it is also not the healthiest of professions- both for your self esteem and the fact that often drug use an alcoholism is rampant in those environments. You are a person of value. You are intelligent and well spoken. You have more to offer than just your body and your sex.

What do you want Amester? What is the life you dream of when you allow yourself that hope? Would you like to be a vet? A lawyer? A teacher? A cook? A secretary? A fashion designer? A mom? A custodian? An astronaut? Ok, you are 32, it is probably too late for that! But you can be the other things. Do you want a house? What does it look like?
It seems impossible now, but it isn't. You can have a like that you love. But you have to stay clean. Heroin will prevent you from having anything and everything.

You are here and I absolutely see something in your words that you are trying. It ain't easy my friend, but it IS possible.

MavisTheFairy13

You can do this. I think you need to talk to your family and make sure they are 100% behind you. They could make the house an alcohol free zone. You are doing so well to be clean for 8 days!! Its normal to be scared and have doubts. You just have to push through them. For me Rational Recovery is really helping. Might be worth a read? You need to find the right way for you. Keep posting and getting support. You must be incredibly strong to have made 8 days without heroin. So you can definitely do this. My life is getting much better and less complicated since I realised that alcohol isn't necessary to make me happy/make me feel better/numb my feelings etc etc. It's taken a few tries but I'm getting there. You can get there too

Meraviglioso

Oh, I forgot to add some other ideas of what you can do with your time.
I have found that in my darkest moments of depression and cravings that putting all of my energy into doing something kind and loving for myself instead of harming myself has been helpful.
And let me be clear that I understand you. You might not feel like you love yourself right now, but think of your body and your heart and your soul as something outside of you- a child or a pet or another person to care for you. Fake it until you make it kind of deal.

Do you have a bathtub at your house? You can take a long bath, add epsom salts to pull the toxins out of your body and soothe your muscles. Paint your toenails. Put olive oil in your hair and sleep with a shower cap on, then wash it out and do your hair the next day. Get some inexpensive facial masks from the store and do one of those to clean your skin. Take vitamins. Make a smoothie. If sexual release is important to you and something you feel comfortable with, masturbate, treating yourself with the care you deserve. Light scented candles and do some stretching or meditation (If you know how, I have no idea how to meditate but people say it is great!). Listen to music that you like. Put lotion on your skin every day. Pluck your eyebrows. Take a walk or do some light cardio at home. Cook yourself a healthy meal or order some food from a restaurant. Brush your hair and put on some makeup. Buy antibiotic creams and scar creams at the store and put them on your track marks. Change your bedsheets, shower and take a nice, long nap.
You deserve all of this.